Dreams

[KymmieL]

I know we all have dreams of the future. What we would like the future to hold. Things that we wanted from life or in our lives.

 

Maybe I should title this 'Dreams Crushed' Because mine seem to be heading that way again. Well most of my life dreams have crashed and burned long ago. When I was younger, I had dreams of the American Dream home ownership. With the way my life has progressed it doesn't look like it will ever happen. With being over a half century old. I doubt I could even get approved making under 13.hr. Even the lower managers are close to me. I do have my VA disability. that doesn't mean crapola.

 

Well that is old news. Now to the real point. It looks like my dreams of becoming the real me. Are beginning to start the downward spiral. It looks like with my history of blood clots, there is no way the VA will approve HRT. While I am on lupilode injections. The endocrinologist mentioned it is not a drug to be taking for the long run. I have an appointment with my GYN next week to discuss it.

 

One of the biggest things is my family. While my middle son supports me 100%. I have yet to tell my oldest son. or my mom and sister. Then there is my wife who "doesn't understand" but is willing to let me live life as my true self however not being married anymore. Then there is my next step which is name change. this will be the next step in looking for a new position with the company. Our state requires a listing in the local paper once a week for a month. I know that the SWHTF once my wife gets wind of it. Whether she sees the listing or someone tells her about it. What will happen if I don't get the new position and have to stay here. Even if I am not living with my wife & son. It is a small town. 

During one of our heated discussions. I asked my wife would she rather have a dead husband or a live spouse. She actually said dead husband. I told her that I will not kill myself to please her.

With all this building on my mind. I am almost thinking of stopping my transition. I do know that MY health and welfare also matters. my mind is in such turmoil right now it is funny. I wish I had a friend to talk to about this. I came out to my best friend from the service. I have yet to hear anything back.

 

OH, Well. back to working this out on my own.

 

Kymmie

[ShawnaLeigh]

7 hours ago, KymmieL said:

I asked my wife would she rather have a dead husband or a live spouse. She actually said dead husband. I told her that I will not kill myself to please her.

Ouch that's pretty cold but sounds like it stems from anger not her true feelings.  Id watch my back though.  Make sure she falls asleep first too.

 

7 hours ago, KymmieL said:

With all this building on my mind. I am almost thinking of stopping my transition. I do know that MY health and welfare also matters. my mind is in such turmoil right now it is funny. I wish I had a friend to talk to about this. I came out to my best friend from the service. I have yet to hear anything back.

Oh hon this makes me incredibly sad for you.  I can only imagine what it must feel like to be refused the one drug you need to be your true self on the outside.  Are there not other alternatives available?

As to your friend it may be a thing that he is having just to hard a time with and maybe feeling that loss of his buddy.  My little brother has yet to reach out to me since I came out to him and although he stated he was happy I am doing what I need to do and that I was brave to tell everyone, but that he needed time.  That was 3 months ago.

 

7 hours ago, KymmieL said:

OH, Well. back to working this out on my own.

 

Now this statement is not true and if you were here I would give you a cuff in the back of the head.

You have so many friends and people here who care and especially me since we have been messaging in private.  You know I understand what you are going through and how scary the future is with concerns to finances and failing marriages.  

I'm a bit hurt you feel like you have to do this all on your own.  Yes its not face to face with a big hug afterwards and I wish it were but we do what we can to support and care and love each other.  For some we are all they have.

[KymmieL]

The endo I saw said that he is working with a group at the CU hospital. And maybe I can get approved for an ultra low dose of Estrogen in patch form.

 

Well with covid-19 it looks like everything is a waiting game. the program is shut down. I have a feeling that all my VA appointments are going to be either video or phone. 

Since now the courts are shut down, there goes my name change right now. without the name change I can't change the name on my SSN card. So I cannot officially change it with the company. So I am stuck having to wear male shirts at work.

 

It is just a huge circle of BS. That I am stuck in the middle. At least I am not sick and no one I know has it. I am just worried about my wife as she has asthma.  Why does this s&#T always happen to me.

Kymmie

[Jani]

Kymmie, in an effort to remove some of the turmoil in your mind and life, and given all the parameters you have with health, finances and where you live, would it be better to dial back to a point where you can be satisfied without fully transitioning?  The low dose estrogen may work well to calm the noise and give you just enough physical change to make you feel you've accomplished what you need.  Concerning your name, in the big scheme of things, again given all your circumstances, is it totally necessary to be happy?  You can certainly be called Kymmie (or Kym) without the legal change.  Lots of people go by names that are unrelated to their birth name.  I did for 51 years.  Living life on a more even keel would take some pressure off your marriage, family and social relationships, your work, etc.  There are lots of people who do not socially transition because of the reasons I note.  Its not a crime.  They are living on their own terms to preserve what is important to them.  Think about this.  You've come a long way.  Decide how far you need to go.  I would love for you to be happy but to get there may require more sacrifice than you really want to pay, or want your loved ones to pay.  Give it some time and think it over.  Talk to your wife.  She's your partner in this life.  All my best to you dear.

 

Jani 

[Lexi C]

what Jani Said and can I add....Your living the dream. just need to look at it from a far. As for your wife...Hey G.F -crap- always happen until it done,. Your the  Beauty, soul and strength of your own bein...no one less...

[KymmieL]

So far I am pretty much on hold due to the covid19. So I am going to play the wait and see game. See what happens when this is over. I got a message from my speech Therapist that the VA is closed to routine, and  non emergancy appointments. So, Most of my appointments will be phone or video.

 

Kymmie

[Jani]

Hang in there and do what you can do to maintain sanity.  It sounds like you're doing well.  

 

Jani

[Maddee]

Well I'm feeling angry reading though im unrelated to your situation Kymmie.  

Reading what you say she told you, I don't feel alot of sympathy for your wife's asthma to be honest.  It's been mentioned that she is your partner in this life.  I don't know how old your kid is that's living with her.   But you aren't even living with them, why is her acceptance even relevant? She's already rejected you.

Rhetorical question. Obviously it's complicated and entangled. 

Some people have to lose everything to gain themselves, and I hope this is not you too.  If you continue transitioning through these enormous hurdles at home, work, VA, virus, etc, you are strong indeed.  Hurdles beware.

[KymmieL]

Our youngest son is still living with us. He is 22. I still have a great love for my wife. We have been  married for going on 35 yrs. I've known her for 50 years. 

 

 Kymmie 

[Maddee]

Bless you and your amazing family, hon

Sorry was mistaken to say anything otherwise.