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Found An Old Diary Type Thing I Wrote

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I am actually going to use my Stay At Home Time to pull some things together that I have written over the years and maybe try and make it into an actual book about special parts of my Transition.  In doing this I ran across a memory I wrote two years before I actually came here on the forums that I think may be fun for some of you to read.  11 years ago I was where many of you are now --- LOL


Written May 20, 2009

I have been working on Vicky's public appearance for a few weeks here, and I think I did it too well this past weekend!!! I had a moment when I surprised myself BIG TIME.

For about 3 months here I have been having "cravings" to be in female mode that have made me a little reckless in some of my outfits and some of my makeup techniques. This has resulted in some "feedback" from the people I have been out with that has actually been helpful, but at the time was pretty harsh. (OK, I looked pretty awful now that I think about it too.) The positive item is that I have found that my earlier fears about going out in girl mode at all have disappeared for the most part and I am no longer feeling as conspicuous as an elephant in a tea parlor.

On Saturday at about 2 pm I actually put on a new sun dress, and did my makeup in a MUCH MORE subtle way than usual, and found myself liking what I saw much better. I have a very nice breast length streaked blond wig that I bought about 3 weeks ago on a day when my hair choice had been a short red wig, that was bit clown fluffy. Since our weather was running in the mid 80's I tried putting the blond wig into a banana clip pony tail that got the hair off my neck. I thought it looked very good, and it was quite comfortable. I went out the front door of the house VERY confidently (feeling wonderful) and drove back to the scene of my fashion crimes, a "T VERY FRIENDLY" store in North Hollywood. The fun started when I walked into the store where I am known in both male and female mode. The owner herself first asked "May I help you miss?" and did a double take and then realized who I was. Even two of the other girls I know had to look twice to be sure I was their "sister" Vicky. The only critical comment on my makeup was to try just a slightly more brownish color of eye shadow. My hair styling came up for a little more comment, and I got a lesson on how to pin up that wig, since "the banana clip can tear up and tangle the hair". I liked the result actually. It was more formal than the pony tail, and still felt great.

None of the girls were going out to dinner that night, so I called a couple of "family" members that know both of me and asked if they could take a visitor. The answer was yes, and they did not care which of me came. As I started to go, I handed the phone back to the store owner who also knows them, and heard her telling them they would not believe how good Vicky looked!! When I got to the house, about 60 miles away in the high desert area north of LA, both of my "family" members were happy with how I looked too.

We actually went out to a neighborhood Persian restaurant as three ladies, and were treated that way. I was having such a good time talking that I actually forgot how I looked. I felt so darn good and natural, just clothed and not "dressed". Two glasses of iced tea though, and it was restroom time!. One of the other patrons of the restaurant pointed me over to the Women's room on his own call!!! I had gotten too close to turning toward the Men's restroom for his comfort!!!

My real shock was when I opened the door to the Women's rest room and saw what I thought was another very nice looking blond woman coming out!! WRONG -- it was a mirror facing the door, and it took me about three seconds to recognize MYSELF. WOW!! This was a "high" so much greater and more wonderful than ANYTHING I ever got off of alcohol or stuff of that nature. I am still getting little shivers of happiness when I think about it. (About 4.8 on the Richter earthquake scale since these are "aftershocks".)

I'm not on HRT, but if that is what you get on hormones, get out of my way, here I come!!!!



At the store I went to, we had a "sorority" that the regulars were inducted into, hence the "sister" comment up there.

I actually began my HRT three months later on July 6, 2009, but did not go full time until March 2011, and even then not in all places.

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Alex C

wow Vicky that a pretty amazing tell. I remember that feel. God I wish it would last for ever, but it doesn't. Ty for share really like..Be careful 

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Susan R

@VickySGV, What an interesting glimpse into your life way back when.  I guess we all start similarly...less confidence than now, inexperience, and it sounds like there was a newness to it all.  You’ve come along way since those days.


10 hours ago, VickySGV said:

My real shock was when I opened the door to the Women's rest room and saw what I thought was another very nice looking blond woman coming out!! WRONG -- it was a mirror facing the door, and it took me about three seconds to recognize MYSELF. WOW!! This was a "high" so much greater and more wonderful than ANYTHING I ever got off of alcohol or stuff of that nature.

This is a great story, VIcky.  I understand perfectly what you mean by the “high” after it happened.  I’m sure we all eventually have that feeling when this happens. 

Your story reminds me so much of one I experienced Jan. 2019. My wife and I went to our first PFLAG meeting and I needed to use the restroom at the church.  I was presenting somewhere between androgynous with a touch of femininity at the time.  I thought it would still be better to use the men’s room. This may have been the last time I stood at a men’s urinal.  When I turned around, there was a mirror right behind me that I hadn’t seen coming into the restroom.  I did not recognize myself immediately.  I saw a woman staring back...for the first time.  My jaw dropped.  I have thought about why this might have happened and haven’t come up with an explanation.  I know it has something to do with not expecting to see anyone at all in that moment but that couldn’t be the only reason.  When I know I’m about to look into a mirror at home, I think my mental expectation for what I’m about to see helps me prepare for what is actually seen. In short, I know what to expect.


Thanks for sharing a little of your history,

Susan R🌷

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1 hour ago, Susan R said:

When I know I’m about to look into a mirror at home, I think my mental expectation for what I’m about to see helps me prepare for what is actually seen. In short, I know what to expect.


This is also one of the places where we have trouble seeing what others see.  We have a preconceived notion of what we will look like at home and other places and we are so anxious that we do not see it and are so critical of ourselves.  I am glad you enjoyed it and I hope it helps others.

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