Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

VickySGV

Found An Old Diary Type Thing I Wrote

Recommended Posts

VickySGV

I am actually going to use my Stay At Home Time to pull some things together that I have written over the years and maybe try and make it into an actual book about special parts of my Transition.  In doing this I ran across a memory I wrote two years before I actually came here on the forums that I think may be fun for some of you to read.  11 years ago I was where many of you are now --- LOL

==================================================================

Written May 20, 2009

I have been working on Vicky's public appearance for a few weeks here, and I think I did it too well this past weekend!!! I had a moment when I surprised myself BIG TIME.

BACKGROUND
For about 3 months here I have been having "cravings" to be in female mode that have made me a little reckless in some of my outfits and some of my makeup techniques. This has resulted in some "feedback" from the people I have been out with that has actually been helpful, but at the time was pretty harsh. (OK, I looked pretty awful now that I think about it too.) The positive item is that I have found that my earlier fears about going out in girl mode at all have disappeared for the most part and I am no longer feeling as conspicuous as an elephant in a tea parlor.

THE DAY
On Saturday at about 2 pm I actually put on a new sun dress, and did my makeup in a MUCH MORE subtle way than usual, and found myself liking what I saw much better. I have a very nice breast length streaked blond wig that I bought about 3 weeks ago on a day when my hair choice had been a short red wig, that was bit clown fluffy. Since our weather was running in the mid 80's I tried putting the blond wig into a banana clip pony tail that got the hair off my neck. I thought it looked very good, and it was quite comfortable. I went out the front door of the house VERY confidently (feeling wonderful) and drove back to the scene of my fashion crimes, a "T VERY FRIENDLY" store in North Hollywood. The fun started when I walked into the store where I am known in both male and female mode. The owner herself first asked "May I help you miss?" and did a double take and then realized who I was. Even two of the other girls I know had to look twice to be sure I was their "sister" Vicky. The only critical comment on my makeup was to try just a slightly more brownish color of eye shadow. My hair styling came up for a little more comment, and I got a lesson on how to pin up that wig, since "the banana clip can tear up and tangle the hair". I liked the result actually. It was more formal than the pony tail, and still felt great.

None of the girls were going out to dinner that night, so I called a couple of "family" members that know both of me and asked if they could take a visitor. The answer was yes, and they did not care which of me came. As I started to go, I handed the phone back to the store owner who also knows them, and heard her telling them they would not believe how good Vicky looked!! When I got to the house, about 60 miles away in the high desert area north of LA, both of my "family" members were happy with how I looked too.

We actually went out to a neighborhood Persian restaurant as three ladies, and were treated that way. I was having such a good time talking that I actually forgot how I looked. I felt so darn good and natural, just clothed and not "dressed". Two glasses of iced tea though, and it was restroom time!. One of the other patrons of the restaurant pointed me over to the Women's room on his own call!!! I had gotten too close to turning toward the Men's restroom for his comfort!!!

My real shock was when I opened the door to the Women's rest room and saw what I thought was another very nice looking blond woman coming out!! WRONG -- it was a mirror facing the door, and it took me about three seconds to recognize MYSELF. WOW!! This was a "high" so much greater and more wonderful than ANYTHING I ever got off of alcohol or stuff of that nature. I am still getting little shivers of happiness when I think about it. (About 4.8 on the Richter earthquake scale since these are "aftershocks".)

I'm not on HRT, but if that is what you get on hormones, get out of my way, here I come!!!!

 

==================

At the store I went to, we had a "sorority" that the regulars were inducted into, hence the "sister" comment up there.

I actually began my HRT three months later on July 6, 2009, but did not go full time until March 2011, and even then not in all places.

Share this post


Link to post
Alex C

wow Vicky that a pretty amazing tell. I remember that feel. God I wish it would last for ever, but it doesn't. Ty for share really like..Be careful 

Share this post


Link to post
Susan R

@VickySGV, What an interesting glimpse into your life way back when.  I guess we all start similarly...less confidence than now, inexperience, and it sounds like there was a newness to it all.  You’ve come along way since those days.

 

10 hours ago, VickySGV said:

My real shock was when I opened the door to the Women's rest room and saw what I thought was another very nice looking blond woman coming out!! WRONG -- it was a mirror facing the door, and it took me about three seconds to recognize MYSELF. WOW!! This was a "high" so much greater and more wonderful than ANYTHING I ever got off of alcohol or stuff of that nature.

This is a great story, VIcky.  I understand perfectly what you mean by the “high” after it happened.  I’m sure we all eventually have that feeling when this happens. 
 

Your story reminds me so much of one I experienced Jan. 2019. My wife and I went to our first PFLAG meeting and I needed to use the restroom at the church.  I was presenting somewhere between androgynous with a touch of femininity at the time.  I thought it would still be better to use the men’s room. This may have been the last time I stood at a men’s urinal.  When I turned around, there was a mirror right behind me that I hadn’t seen coming into the restroom.  I did not recognize myself immediately.  I saw a woman staring back...for the first time.  My jaw dropped.  I have thought about why this might have happened and haven’t come up with an explanation.  I know it has something to do with not expecting to see anyone at all in that moment but that couldn’t be the only reason.  When I know I’m about to look into a mirror at home, I think my mental expectation for what I’m about to see helps me prepare for what is actually seen. In short, I know what to expect.

 

Thanks for sharing a little of your history,

Susan R🌷

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV
1 hour ago, Susan R said:

When I know I’m about to look into a mirror at home, I think my mental expectation for what I’m about to see helps me prepare for what is actually seen. In short, I know what to expect.

 

This is also one of the places where we have trouble seeing what others see.  We have a preconceived notion of what we will look like at home and other places and we are so anxious that we do not see it and are so critical of ourselves.  I am glad you enjoyed it and I hope it helps others.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 64 Guests (See full list)

    • ShawnaLeigh
    • Willa
    • Emily michelle
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      70,401
    • Total Posts
      637,502
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      6,561
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Erynn
    Newest Member
    Erynn
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Chris Gabi
      Chris Gabi
    2. Lorry
      Lorry
  • Posts

    • kelly sinclair
      Is there any health issues  that I need to know about  that might  prevent  me from getting on hrt med ?  Or anything  I need to address beforehand and fix ? 
    • kelly sinclair
      Greatfuture  advice  I'm  taking notes   🙂
    • kelly sinclair
      Big hugs from me in my hidden bunker  lol
    • kelly sinclair
      Your welcome  alex and thanks everyone  every bit helps hugs: from me I'm my hidden bunker 
    • kelly sinclair
      You go girl . Always wanted to say that ..thanks maidinbedlam hugs 
    • Maid In Bedlam
      firstly. Thank you Suzanne. I do ramble sometimes but glad you got to the end   You cannot be both in reality. Either your stelth or your not in my opnion.   You cant be stelth really if you want to as you so aptly put it . wearing your TG armband and giving the salute.   Either you want to be one of the "Look at me im a tranner" populous or I just want to be a woman blend in and just live the rest of our lifes as such. The greatest and most sucessful Transition story never told.   I am part of the latter. At no point will i ever raise my arm in the tg salute. Go to a pride or wave a rainbow flag. Im not proud of being who i am. I dont see how i could be proud of it. I havent done anything to be proud of. I am just getting on with my life how in reality it should have been from the start.   Some may say you are so brave. How so? Im just doing what comes natural. Granted it was not always the case. But I was always a woman. I just come clean with myself and decided to physically make it so.   In fact the only time i raise my head above the trenches is on a couple of trans based internet sites. In the real world only 5 people know of my past one my doctor and the other my partner. Who held my hand while i blossomed and thats just the way i like it.    
    • kelly sinclair
      Thanks everyone  . Mabe my sister  can help with that  when she get used to the new me . Blind girl kelly  hugs 
    • Suzanne1
      Okay, I quit....I can't edit worth a darn at this hour; am going on a long vacation, till I recover from my embarrassment.
    • Suzanne1
      oops, it's late and I'm editing ever more poorly; scratch that last partial sentence.  Was about to state that I wanted to be an activist...bust I already wrote that, in an earlier sentence🤔.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Its a wonderful concept. But many of us crave the warmth of another human being by our side.   I know i do and i couldnt bare to be alone in the world.   yes another person in your life can be full of drama. hense why you choose your potentail partner wisely.   I was actually scared stiff of being left alone.
    • Suzanne1
      Much wisdom in that post.  I fear though, that many of us are of the narcissistic "see me" persuasion, and it seems that more than a few of us hold the consensus that "going stealth" is somehow a betrayal of the TG population.  It seems that many of us seem to want to raise our right arm in a chauvinistic Roman-salute to our exalted "Community Values," while wearing our TG-armbands conspicuously on our sleeves. Just my two-pennies worth of thought; never wanted to be an activist---self-styled or otherwise.   I heartily concur with the sentiment that one learns to be a woman by watching, listening, and hanging out with natal women.    Best wishes to all who practice reasonable tolerance and understanding.   Personally I never had any desire to be
    • Maid In Bedlam
      I cant reallly add any advise to your dilemmmas. I really wouldnt as i have never really dealt with the situation so i am neither qualified or have the capacity from any real life expreiances.   But for what its worth I do want to say. Laura, Your a lovely person and i have read your words in many of the threads you have commented on. Whatever comes of this please do make sure its for your own best outcomes. Many have tried to hide there feelings for the sake of someone else and its never really ended well for them.   I really do hope that you come out of all this Happy and in a better position than what you was when you went in.   Im gonna send you a big HUG. Keep your chin up girl
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Take a look around you. Sit on a bench and watch the world go by for a while. ( I know its impossible to do that right now but you get the idea) See what other women of your age group are wearing around you. Take a mental note. If you really want to blend in then copy there dress sense. But put your own spin on it.   Big mistake people who are planning on going stelth do is dress inappropriate for there age. an example of this would be thinking of it from a male perspective. DONT DO THAT. Such as heels you can just about walk in and a mini skirt that doesnt leave much to the imagination for grocery shopping. Its not rocket sceince. You wanna blend in then you have to wear things that everyone else is wearing. Its pretty basic stuff. Once you have established yourself then you can experiment a little. But dont run before you can walk. Most women have learnt this art from childhood. As you are  just learning therefore you need to be observant of what other woman already know.       Like what Erikka said. You blend. You dont stick out. . No one notices you because you look the same as everyone else. ( No dissrespect intended Erikka) Its not only appreance. Its a mental ideology. Stop being in the mindset of im just a guy in a dress. You are so much more than just that. You have to get into the practise of Im just a woman wearing what women do.   To coin a phrase i have used many times before.   A man doesnt become a woman. A woman just makes herself more womanly.   If your going to be a man and wear a dress then i would just stay in the realms of a cross dresser. However if you want to be your, to coin the phrase "Your true self" that you used in another thread then be in the state of mind thats what i am.
    • Suzanne1
      It's very late, and I'm very bored.  Was perusing old threads and old memories when I happened across this thread.  I realize everyone's gender reassignment surgeries have been scrubbed for the duration of the present crisis; so sorry.   I think that I would have hated for anything to have interfered with mine.  [It was bad enough for me just having to sit on the tarmac waiting on a spare part for the plane & it's installation.🤔]   For me, surgery was in Autumn of that year.  Post-operatively, I wore robes & sweat pants mostly, while at the convalescent home.  On the flight home, I wore jeans.  Reading the other posts in this thread-and thinking back to what my mates at the home said & how they behaved----I guess I must have a high tolerance for pain/discomfort, or some such thing.🤔  However, each person must look to their own needs & comfort, and dress accordingly, we're all individuals with different needs for personal comfort.   As far as assistance from airport personnel, it really wasn't all that forthcoming.  Gave up waiting for the recommended wheelchair &/or a baggage cart at the airport check-in, and carried my luggage to the flight gate.  I endured 3 separate security checks; the first 2 general/routine, with the last singling me out personally.  At the completion of the second security-check  when I asked for assistance raising my suitcase onto a conveyor belt, the screener apprised me that they were not there to help me.  The only assistance I received was from the chauffeur who provided transport to the airport.   Best wishes to all, and hopefully those who don't succumb to the "pandemic" (or the flu---I understand over 10x more worldwide have died so far this year from  the flu than from this Hunan corona-virus) will resume their so-desired courses of action.
    • Maid In Bedlam
      Do you know that song,   Girls can wear jeans And cut their hair short Wear shirts and boots 'Cause it's OK to be a boy But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading 'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading But secretly you'd love to know what it's like Wouldn't you What it feels like for a girl   Just sharing the first thing that came into my head on reading the above  post.   Why does it have to be a secret? Ask yourself this: What do you want from your life?   Sadly in the destopian world we live in people do sometimes see it as degrading. Men have always been seen as the stronger sex. mainly by other men. Ask any woman whos the better sex and im sure they will tell you. It all depends on what sex you ask you will get a diffrent answer.   This is why a lot of people like yourself never take that step. From expreiance. Its by no means a step back. I may not and have never been as strong as the next man physically. But it doesnt bother me. because i have so many more qualitys that men can never have. I have had so many expreiances that men can never have. Theres so many things on the plus side that theres no place i would rather be. Ive tried both sides of the coin and can say im in an almost unique position where i can balance one against the other. For me I know whos best. You need to judge from your own perspective. I could type for hours about the pros and cons but in the end its you that decides what you want from your life and where you want that life to go. Never go by what others tell you. At the end of the day. When you are taking your last breath do you want to reflet on all the things you could have done or all the things you did do?   I sound like a feminist 🤣
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...