Need Advice Please

[SamSuperman88]

Hi everyone. I am new to this site. 

I am hoping to get your advice on a situation I am dealing with. I'm going to try to be as detailed as I can, so thank you in advance for your help and patience. 

I have been friends with someone for about 6 months now. Before that, they were kind of like my mentor and we had known each other for about a year and a half. Once we had known each other for about 6 months, I told them that I was trans. They were really cool about it. However about 4, 5 & 14 months after that they misgendered me.

I also need to add in here that I realized that I do have a crush on them also. I noticed that about 3 months before we became friends. Also, we live over 1,000 miles away from each other also. 

The first time, I laughed it off, and made a joke about it, and they apologized. The 2nd time, I was a little more upset, but they apologized and we moved on. The 3rd time happened at the beginning of this month (March) after we have been friends for about 6 months now. I also need to let you know that all of these events happened during a business meeting where other people were present. I was hurt, embarrassed and quite a few more adjectives. They apologized, but it was falling on deaf ears this time because I had heard it so much in the past. 

I couldn't understand how my friend could be doing this when another person that I also have a business meeting with, that I am not technically friends with, but we're still cool, never did it. I told them to leave me alone, but with quite a few expletives added. Once I had spoken to another friend about the situation, they advised me to have a talk with my other friend, so I did. We talked for about 2 hours. 

They told me that they were truly sorry and they felt bad that they had hurt me. However, during the conversation, it seemed to me as though they were trying to make excuses about why they had messed up. They mentioned a couple of creative projects that I do from time to time and called them girly, they said it would help if my voice was deeper and I had facial hair. I recently found a video of them saying what they would say if they saw a hot girl. I edit videos, so I came up with a great idea, I sent them a video of what they had said, and added text of what I would say to the video and sent it to them. They didn't comment though. 

However, I asked them about a project they were working on last year and they told me that they didn't know what they were doing with it, so it is kind of at a stand still right now. They asked if I wanted to do a phone call and chat about ideas for the project. I told them "possibly". 

I used to love having phone calls and video chats with them, but ever since we got off the phone that night something changed. Now, only half of me wants to do a call with them, and the other half doesn't. Every time I think about having a phone call with them, I get really anxious and nervous. It's like it makes me hyper aware of the body I am stuck in. I really don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell them or not, and if I do, how and would it change anything? I have so many thoughts flying around in my head right now that it makes it difficult to work. 

I guess the main question is 
How can I make this go away?!

Once again, TIA. 
-SamSuperman

[Jackie C.]

4 hours ago, SamSuperman88 said:

I have been friends with someone for about 6 months now. Before that, they were kind of like my mentor and we had known each other for about a year and a half. Once we had known each other for about 6 months, I told them that I was trans. They were really cool about it. However about 4, 5 & 14 months after that they misgendered me.

 

Some people have trouble with pronouns. I'd think they'd have it down after fourteen months, but sometimes people are slow. I never correct anyone, especially if they apologize but they DO get my withering, "What part of me suggests a guy?" look.

 

4 hours ago, SamSuperman88 said:

I also need to add in here that I realized that I do have a crush on them also. I noticed that about 3 months before we became friends. Also, we live over 1,000 miles away from each other also. 

 

Crushes complicate everything.

 

4 hours ago, SamSuperman88 said:

The first time, I laughed it off, and made a joke about it, and they apologized. The 2nd time, I was a little more upset, but they apologized and we moved on. The 3rd time happened at the beginning of this month (March) after we have been friends for about 6 months now. I also need to let you know that all of these events happened during a business meeting where other people were present. I was hurt, embarrassed and quite a few more adjectives. They apologized, but it was falling on deaf ears this time because I had heard it so much in the past. 

 

Again, I don't correct people. I'm not that high strung. So long as they're trying, they're cool with me.

 

4 hours ago, SamSuperman88 said:

I couldn't understand how my friend could be doing this when another person that I also have a business meeting with, that I am not technically friends with, but we're still cool, never did it. I told them to leave me alone, but with quite a few expletives added. Once I had spoken to another friend about the situation, they advised me to have a talk with my other friend, so I did. We talked for about 2 hours. 

 

OK communication is good. Different people are better about trans etiquette though. Three mistakes in fourteen months isn't terrible. I'm starting to think you just might be mad at this guy because he was your mentor and because of your crush you hold him to a higher standard.

 

4 hours ago, SamSuperman88 said:

They told me that they were truly sorry and they felt bad that they had hurt me. However, during the conversation, it seemed to me as though they were trying to make excuses about why they had messed up. They mentioned a couple of creative projects that I do from time to time and called them girly, they said it would help if my voice was deeper and I had facial hair. I recently found a video of them saying what they would say if they saw a hot girl. I edit videos, so I came up with a great idea, I sent them a video of what they had said, and added text of what I would say to the video and sent it to them. They didn't comment though. 

 

It still sounds like he's trying to me. I also think that, while he considers you his friend, he's not as into you as you are into him. I also agree that presentation helps. There's a reason most trans-men grow facial hair and most trans-women wear their hair long: It's a great way to give people raised in Western Culture a, "Hey! This is a man/woman!" signal. Without it, people are going to screw up occasionally. Pobody's Nerfect.

 

4 hours ago, SamSuperman88 said:

I used to love having phone calls and video chats with them, but ever since we got off the phone that night something changed. Now, only half of me wants to do a call with them, and the other half doesn't. Every time I think about having a phone call with them, I get really anxious and nervous. It's like it makes me hyper aware of the body I am stuck in. I really don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell them or not, and if I do, how and would it change anything? I have so many thoughts flying around in my head right now that it makes it difficult to work. 

 

It sounds like your crush is really, really making this complicated for you. Maybe now isn't the right time for a collaboration. Give your crush some time to die down or confess to him. Either way, it's done and you can go back to treating him like your friend/mentor instead of your crush.

 

4 hours ago, SamSuperman88 said:

I guess the main question is 
How can I make this go away?!

 

There's no magic undo button for life unfortunately. The only two paths forward with this guy seem to be, "Confess your crush," which is a problem because he doesn't seem like he's into guys (I'm using the "What I Would Say to a Hot Girl" video as evidence, I admit I don't really know him) or, "Give it some space until your crush goes away." Sorry sweetie, but unrequited love both sucks and makes things weird for a while.

 

Hugs!

[SamSuperman88]

Thank you Jackie. He is no longer my mentor, just my friend. Unfortunately I don't have the option of letting my crush die down because we are in the same field of work, and therefore see each other a lot. 

You are right though, it does make it very complicated for me, smh. 

I also appreciate your detailed answers. 

[Jackie C.]

Anything for a fellow Superman fan. ?

 

Hugs!

[SamSuperman88]

Lol, I'm not a fan, I'm a fanatic. 99% of my clothing is Superman, I own all 10 seasons of Smallville, all 4 seasons of Supergirl, the 1st season of Krypton, 2 sets of the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, as well as many other Superman items, including but not limited to replicated props from Smallville and Supergirl. Oh, and I have kryptonian tattoos.