Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Carolinexd

The worst of two worlds

Recommended Posts

Carolinexd

I'm presenting myself: I'm Caroline, MTF pre-transition. 

I'm 41 and Im married and I have 3 kids.

The title of this post reflects my actual situation, and relates to coming out, intimacy and more.

 

In middle 2018 i have a insight that clearly mark that im trans. Then i recall moments of my life that remark that, only shaded by negation,guilt, and sobrecompensate many times. I thougt that i'm too old to transition, but since that day i never could go back. In april 2019 in a near dead situation i decide that the life is one and that i need to transition.  I read much and decide to start transitioning secretly, then i start with very basic HRT (almost placebo for feeling like i doing something) and seek for a Gender oriented psycologist.  Then i'm start thinking the best way to come out, with who, everithing like i read in the posts. But all can't be so good...

 

Mi wife open my backpack withou my permission and found a envelope for psycologist (needed because of derivation) and read all my case, all my thougs, without my permision. Not only that, she tells EVERYONE, yes EVERYONE, to my direct family (my parents, her parents), my cousins, my friends (ALL my friends, not only best friends). No intimacy any more... 

 

For other part, she activate my guilt (with my kids), then i prefer to accept a "reasonable doubt" to be -crappy- father, then i discard gender oriented therapist and go with her to a Psychiatrist, the psychiatrist says that (old scool) i have "a personality disorder"  but is political incorrect to say but treat me with Quetiapine and Sodium divalproate.  

 

Really i only accept all this by guilt, and because my wife threatened me with no seeing my kids anymore.... And then for the sake of not receiving more and more higher doses of Quetiapine and Divalproate I say that i'm better.  

Thats not true in any form. I'm not better, but I not want more psychiatric drugs in my organism. I'm slow and sleepy.  

 

In this moment im not doing any transition, not accepting my reality, i missed my intimacy, lose part of my family and friends, and almost broke mi marriage. Worst of both worlds, the problems of transition without doing it. How can I continue with this? I'm feeling lost.

 

Sorry for my english, is not my language.

Caroline

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.

I'm sorry Caroline, but you've just highlighted a big part of the trans experience. There is no guarantee that anyone in your wife will accept you for who you really are. Transitioning means weighing what you stand to lose (physical intimacy with your wife, friends, access to your children, you job, etc...) against what you have to gain, which is living as your authentic self.

 

In my case, and for others, the choice came down to either coming out and living as a woman or finding a way to kill myself that still let my wife collect my death benefits. That's not entirely true; not everyone was concerned about their wife collecting benefits. That wasn't much of a choice, so I talked to a therapist and then came out to my wife.

 

A few years later I'm talking to you. I've been undergoing HRT for about eighteen months now. I had my bottom surgery in February. My legal name is feminine. I was working on gender markers when COVID hit, so that's on hold until the government opens again. My wife is supportive and I've made a bunch of new friends. That said, I'm very, very lucky. If you look around the site, you'll find people who suddenly found themselves homeless, divorced or worse.

 

So yeah, you've seen what you stand to lose. You know what you have to gain. There isn't a cure to being transgendered. You need to ask yourself what you're willing to give up to live as yourself. I wish I could give you an easy answer or make it go away with a wave of my wand. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that.

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh
39 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

So yeah, you've seen what you stand to lose. You know what you have to gain. There isn't a cure to being transgendered. You need to ask yourself what you're willing to give up to live as yourself. I wish I could give you an easy answer or make it go away with a wave of my wand. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that.

This is correct.  
Some manage to get through coming out with a wife that fully supports them.  Most do not. I’m one who is looking at Ann eventual divorce but by far in a stressful or difficult situation.  We have worked it out and doing thing together for now.  
Im sorry you were outed like that. That’s truly Terrible to have your whole world told that way with nothing from you.  This places you in defense mode not seeking friends loved ones or allies. I’m so sorry. 
But like JackieC said you can survive this.  
Now is the time to decide what you need.  What will be healthy for you and to protect yourself and your kids.  But know this.  Being transgender is not a choice. You were born this way and there is nothing to be ashamed of.  You have every right to be who you are and who you want to be.  Do not negotiate away your basic human rights to make others happy comfortable or nicer to you.  You deserve you.  Jmo

Share this post


Link to post
Carolinexd
19 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

In my case, and for others, the choice came down to either coming out and living as a woman or finding a way to kill myself that still let my wife collect my death benefits. That's not entirely true; not everyone was concerned about their wife collecting benefits. That wasn't much of a choice, so I talked to a therapist and then came out to my wife.

 

Jackie, in my life had two suicidal attemps ended in intensive care (last only saved by miracle), in the last year i had suicidal ideation of exactly same as you comment (how to simulate cardiac arrest with Q-T interval prolongation plus digitalics) for not voiding life insurance.

Is incredible how much all us are almost a mirror, and how difficult is that everyone else understand us.  In this moment, thanks to future planning and some part of therapy, i left the negative thoughts behind.

 

Thanks to you and Shawna for your supportive words, it's what I need for continue. Last months (november to today) was difficult, I gain 30 pounds in two months and half, moving away from my more feminine image... I expect i could loss those pounds in the next year o so...  How difficult is to advance and how easy is to come backwards...

 

19 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

So yeah, you've seen what you stand to lose. You know what you have to gain. There isn't a cure to being transgendered. You need to ask yourself what you're willing to give up to live as yourself. I wish I could give you an easy answer or make it go away with a wave of my wand. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that.

 

I'm transgendered, its easy and simple, but, in the best conversations, my wife does not claim me for what I am but when I decided to do it, she asks me at least to wait for my children to be older, but ask me too much, she ask me for more than 5 years... and in my interior the time counts in days, then ... desesperate....

 

19 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Now is the time to decide what you need.  What will be healthy for you and to protect yourself and your kids.  But know this.  Being transgender is not a choice. You were born this way and there is nothing to be ashamed of.  You have every right to be who you are and who you want to be.  Do not negotiate away your basic human rights to make others happy comfortable or nicer to you.  You deserve you.  Jmo

 

Thanks for you words, i'm trying to reach to this point. I'm processing my guilt for my auto-acceptance. 

 

My country has two very distinctive things: a VERY GOOD (or THE BEST) Gender law in the world, and EXCELLENT health cover for surgeries and treatments (all free of charge), but the downside of very transphobic society.  Then is very easy to access to change documents and all health treatments, but difficult to go out to streets if you not pass very well. 

 

Thanks to both for kindly words!!! I'm glad to reach this forums.

Caroline

 

Share this post


Link to post
Susan R
On 3/26/2020 at 8:04 AM, Carolinexd said:

Not only that, she tells EVERYONE, yes EVERYONE, to my direct family (my parents, her parents), my cousins, my friends (ALL my friends, not only best friends). No intimacy any more... 

Hi Caroline, I wish there was an easy answer how to fix this mess your wife expedited.  It’s a very complicated situation. One thing for sure, your wife did not expose you out of love for you...it was vindictive. This is playing dirty and a rotten way to treat a spouse.  I don’t care how hurt she may have been, that was completely over the top.


The reply from @Jackie C. was perfectly on point. There is a choice we (trans individuals) have to make.  Your wife apparently wants you to wait for the children before you act on this or make any changes.  That’s a major compromise.  If my wife treated me the way yours treated you, I’d ask her to join me to couples therapy and find out if the marriage is still viable.  There should be more compromise in a marriage than ultimatums and threats.  I’d want to know why she did such a hurtful thing causing so much long term damage to all your relationships.  I can only speak from a point of view of what I’d do.  I know your situation is much different, especially with younger children involved.  Mine are all grown up and have little impact on our daily life. You have some very difficult choices coming up.  Try not to make all the compromises and put yourself back into a box...we all know how that ends. You’re the one that needs to stick up for your own well being...your wife certainly doesn’t seem to.  You need to be happy too.

 

And btw...Welcome! 👋😄

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   9 Members, 0 Anonymous, 53 Guests (See full list)

    • ShawnaLeigh
    • michelle_kitten
    • JoniSteph
    • Jocelyn
    • Jackie C.
    • Emily michelle
    • jae bear
    • Gender Phoenix
    • Traci Lynn
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      70,370
    • Total Posts
      637,149
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      6,543
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Addie1312
    Newest Member
    Addie1312
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Claire
      Claire
    2. CodePoetSarah
      CodePoetSarah
      (55 years old)
  • Posts

    • Gender Phoenix
      I've spent a large part of my life on forums all over the net trying to talk people out of sucicide, why? because I feel similar to many of these people.  I too have wanted to end my life many times.   I've never carried out a plan nor made attempts, but I had gotten as far as a plan before changing my mind, not always for the same reasons.   I suffer from anexity issues, depression, and low self esteem.  I'm transgender, not transitioned yet, 32, and may have a few mental and personality disorders from years of emotional abuse.    I have 4 close friends, two of which I have feelings for, neither have them back.  I have made a lot of progress towards improving myself because of all the love and support of one of them.  I'm not always open with how I feel about much of any thing but i tell her every thing, she is one of only three people who know I've considered suicide in the past.  She's my primary confidant and bedrock keeping me sane and alive.     Today I found out she's dating one of my bullies, that's known me for all of my life and hadn't started to be nice to me till recently.  I had a crush on her, I've nearly hated him, now i feel shocked, confused, devastated, on top of being worried about my future, my friends, and on top of my already existing depression and issues I have against my own body, I now have this running through my mind too. They have only told me, because they say they can trust me, but the other group of people our other friends think their both in happy relationships with other people and this bully is bffs with one of her exes.   I don't want to think or deal with any of this, I haven't worked at all, i am running out of money because of the virus, I hate myself, I just wish I could feel happy for her, I feel like a horrible person for not being able to.  My other best friend wouldn't even talk to me for two days and does this from time to time.   I want to die, except to my horror, I've learned from the mistakes of those I know who survived or where stopped, I having spent all my life trying to prevent others from sucicide find myself considering it.   I'll tell no one any thing, shut down emotionally, and never come back, or at least that's what I'm afraid of.  A part of me still wants to live, I just don't want to feel suffering or pain any more.  but I can feel the grip of the despair growing more powerful than ever before, so I ask some one please help me, please give me advice, some one save me.  
    • Denisenj
      This is an interesting topic
    • BrandiBri
      Good Morning all. i'm just finishing my cup of joe and admiring the pics of the nails. Very nice! I work retail so I have to keep mine short. However I am now on a 30 day loa so I am going to try false ones for now. It's going to be around 60 today and pushing 80 tomorrow.
    • BrandiBri
      I agree with everyone here, It is never too late to transition. For many of us it was a matter of life or death. I began HRT at 69 and now I am at peace with myself and having so much fun!   Hugs, Brandi
    • MetaLicious
      I know.  My wife keeps talking about it like I'm "flipping a switch" and it's just not like that.  At all.  Still, when it comes to coming out, there's a temptation to treat it like a band-aid that hurts less if you just rip it off... 
    • BrandiBri
      Happy Birthday CodePoetSarah! and Claire! 🎂🍦 Have a great day!   Hugs. Brandi
    • Timber Wolf
      Good morning everyone,🐀   Happy birthday CodePoetSarah!🎂 Happy birthday Claire!🎂 Hope you have a wonderful day!   Lots of love, Timber Wolf 🐾
    • TammyAnne
      I cannot be of much help as far as presenting yourself to the world, as I am not out (yet) to more than a tiny handful of people. So I live in the closet or in "stealth" mode. However, the folkx here have given me courage, and I'm looking at ways to change all that. Progress is sometimes a tiny drip. Someday. TA
    • Suzanne1
      Certainly such feelings/symptoms are important for one's psychotherapist to know, but is it possible that one might also want to consult with a physician of one stripe or another?  
    • TammyAnne
      Good morning. I'm jealous of everyone's gorgeous nails. I have guitarists nails that are super short. Coffee almost done. Warm steamy weather ahead this week. That usually means storms and even tornadoes. Not fun. Wishing everyone a safe and happy day! TA
    • TammyAnne
      Today begins the start of your life. Every time the sun rises! TA
    • TammyAnne
      Hi Jamey! Welcome! Let me address the "too late" notion, okay? I will turn 70 this summer and still awaiting commencement of HRT. When I mentioned to my therapist about two years ago that it was too late to start or change, she ticked off a list a people who transitioned late in life, and showed me the statistics that indicates most people transitioning do so later in life. Too late? Not a chance. TA
    • TammyAnne
      Hi there Cindy! Welcome to TP. Glad you found us here. TA
    • ShawnaLeigh
      This is my total confusion on what's going on.  I am so happy to finally be me.  So thankful for being alive and to be the women I have dreamed about my whole life.  Its truly been a fairy tail come true.  My coming out and transition has been ridiculously easy and nothing but super positive and tons of love and acceptance. Yes I am in a failing marriage but she and I have come to terms with this and talk a lot about it and how things are going. We are friends and working together to make this as easy and stress free as possible.  Well beyond out marriage we have plans to still be roommates and help each other out.  I'm not in stress or anguish over this at all. Life is good all things considering. Why can I be super high on life and then plummet into bouts of crying and sadness.  I can not even think of one reason to feel this way. I don't like it to say the least and I certainly do not want this to effect my work or job.  Thank Goddess I wear waterproof mascara!  
    • Emily michelle
      I do have similar issues but I’m not qualified to decide anything or offer much advice. My episode’s seems to be mostly rooted from my dysphoria. My therapist told me it is my dysphoria which it very well could be. Maybe yours could be related to dysphoria. I hope you are able to talk to your therapist and get it figured out. I’m sorry I’m not much help.
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...