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Trans or crossdresser?


ThrowAwayName

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Hello,
 
I hope all is well with everyone today.  I'm new here (and new to all such forums).  Please be forgiving if I accidentally break some rule that I am not aware of.  I come here with no ill intent or desire to offend anyone.
 
I also realize that, by posting this, I'm kind of sort of asking for information that would be better handed out by a therapist.  I'm not there yet.  I need additional validation before I can sit down and talk about this with another human.
 
Since I was very young (late elementary school to early middle school), I've had the desire to dress up as a woman (I'm biologically male).  I started off using my sister's old swimsuits and latex gloves filled with water for breasts.  I'm now in my mid 30s and am much better at it.  I know less is more when applying Hollister adhesive to breastforms.  I am pretty good at makeup (eye makeup at least).  I can put on a coat of nail polish without getting a bit on my skin.  I've done this all in secret for decades, have never been caught and the only ones who "know" are the people I buy supplies from.
 
It feels like I'm living a double life and I would like some answers.  I'm curious as to whether I am transgender or if I'm simply a transvestite.  My understanding of the terms is that a transgender person actually wants to be the opposite gender while a transvestite is someone (often a straight male) who simply has a fetish for wearing women's clothes.
 
 
 
 
A bit more about my double life....
 
As a male--
 
When im going around normally, I am a more or less straight male.  I am attracted to women only and enjoy being with women sexually.  I have had successful relationships with women that have lasted years.
 
Regarding my masculinity... It's a mixed bag.  I'm not very effeminate but not really macho either.  When I take a woman out on a date, I always pay for her meal except if she insists otherwise.  Also, I've been out with girlfriends I've had, someone has started something with them and I immediately stood up for her and started a fight, which I imagine is a pretty male thing to do.
 
There are a lot of things about masculinity that are either just not me and kind of rub me the wrong way.  I find <sexual exploit>  bragging to be incredibly annoying and piggish.  When I see a guy trying to pick up a girl at a bar and he starts in with the hokey lines, imagining me doing that always makes my skin crawl.
 
Regarding that... I'm not sure if it's relevant to mention, but I've never "picked up" a woman.  I've had relationships, but they've all been ones where she came to me OR they've been ones where we were just kind of talking and one thing led to another.  I very much prefer partners coming after me, which I guess is a female characteristic.  Hell this one time, a girlfriend and I went to a gay bar.  At some point I was alone and, during this time, not one but TWO guys asked me to dance.  I said "to hell with it... When in Rome".  They both gave me their numbers, which I thought was AWESOME.  I wasn't interested in getting with them (I had a girl at the time and I was in my male skin after all).  It just felt better to be on the receiving end of the sexual advances.  I wondered how great my sex life would be if women acted the way these gay guys did.  
 
As a female--
 
.as I said before, I understand the difference between transgender and transvestite is that the transgender person is "stuck in the wrong body" and the transvestite just has a fetish.
 
I'm not going to lie, there is a sexual element to this, I do get somewhat aroused wearing women's clothes and that I do crossdress "sexier" than most women walking around (e.g. using large breast forms, wearing thong underwear, wearing low cut tops, etc...).
 
That being said, I am not sure if it's just something I get off to or if there is something more to it.  It definitely used to be more exclusively sexual... Perhaps that's because I was younger and young people can't stop thinking about sex.
 
But anyways, I prefer to wear women's clothes almost all of the time... Even when I'm not sitting back and fantasizing.  I like wearing them when I'm cooking meals, watching TV, going to sleep, surfing the internet, etc... Basically if I'm in a place where there's no one around to catch me, I'm almost always "dressed up".
 
I mentioned earlier that when I'm male, I'm exclusively interested in females.  The opposite is true when I'm dressed as a woman.  I have no interest in lesbian relationships and, when I do fantasize, it's about men.  Perhaps this means I'm really bi but can only deal with the attraction to males when I'm in the "proper attire".  I'm not sure if that's the case because my male self literally feels nothing in terms of being attracted to other men.  Please understand that I'm here seeking help and am being as honest about this as I can be.
 
What does everyone think?  Do I sound trans or transvestite?  I've never had a conversation with another human being about this before and I appreciate and respect any answers.
 
I do intend on changing things depending on the responses I get here.  If I'm a transvestite I will probably just keep doing it in secret or maybe try to stop for the right girl.
 
If I'm trans, my next step would be to talk to a counselor who specializes in such things 
 
Thanks in advance and I apologize for the long post!
Edited by VickySGV
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Welcome to the Forums, your story fits you in with the crowd here where we do have people from 13 years up. 

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40 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

Welcome to the Forums, your story fits you in with the crowd here where we do have people from 13 years up. 

Thank you for your response. I'm a bit confused by the wording, though.  Do you vote trans or transvestite?

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Also, it may be important to note that I also do have some underlying mental health condition.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar and all of the doctors have gone with that diagnosis.  I'm not sure if I am bipolar... The medicine doesn't seem to help much.

 

Another one that gets thrown around a lot is Asperger's.  I've never been formally evaluated for it, but a few laypeople and one therapist has suggested it.  My long time psychiatrist has told me I don't have it.

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Your story is remarkably similar to mine.  I, too, dressed in women's clothes all the time when I was at home, and I underdressed when out in public.  And, although I did find some sexual gratification in it, it quickly became apparent that there was more to it than that.  I dressed because I felt better that way, not because I got off on it.

 

Many, perhaps most of us come to recognize ourselves as transgender by way of cross-dressing.  So there is nothing in your post that would suggest that you aren't transgender.  There is enough to suggest that you are to recommend seeing a gender therapist.

 

Whom you are attracted to is not a factor at all.  There are gay, straight and bi transgender people, just as there are gay, straight and bi cisgender people.  Sometimes people change their orientation when they transition, sometimes they don't.

 

I am not going to tell you that you are or aren't transgender.  But I will recommend seeing a therapist to investigate further.

 

Regards,

Kathy

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As you've pointed out, there is also bi-gender, bisexual, genderfluid... A good friend of mine identifies as bi-gender, though he mostly dresses socially. It comes down to what you get from it. I'll talk about being trans because that's where I'm at so I know it the best: I absolutely hated being a guy. I was walking around in this "guy suit" I'd constructed way back in the day so I wouldn't get bullied. My female behaviors got buried and buried deep. I cultivated some male behaviors I could trot out so people wouldn't think I was too weird and tried to live my life.

 

Now, my bi-gendered friend spends time as "Jennifer" when she's stressed and needs to get away from her life. It's not a sexual thing so much as she enjoys being out and about as Jennifer as a release valve from the pressures of day to day. She also enjoys costume design and cosplay. While she'll run errands as Jennifer, she prefers to do housework as a guy. As far as sexual attraction, I'm not sure she has any either way. As far as I know, neither of them has dated and certainly never introduced me to a boy or girlfriend.

 

So you can see there's a lot of different ways to be trans or straight or bi or cross-dress or whatever. I'd see about talking to a therapist for sure though. It's recommended that we see someone for at least a year before we consider any additional steps. After all, while being trans does not mean you have a mental illness, plenty of us develop mental illnesses from hiding that we're trans.

 

Hugs! 

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After five posts you are no longer on mandatory full review although our Moderator and Admin Team are very active members who keep an eye on things as a "soft review" after that and may pull posts that go outside our Forum rules or the Admin/Mods interpretation of the rule.  In those cases you will be notified of what has happened if the post "disappears".  You can PM any of us on staff if you have questions about posting something or just have a question you feel is too personal for the open forums.  We do have people as young as 13 on this forum and we need to keep things at that level as far as terminology goes.  Usually our "dirty word" filter takes care of that for us but staff can make edits when we see it, usually without penalty.  It is for that reason we do not allow self editing but again the Mod / Admin staff can be contacted for help if you want something changed.

 

Transvestite is an old term that is not used due to some very hurtful usage and hatred in the past.  The term used now is Cross-Dresser or CD for short.  The word Transsexual is also out of favor because many people over associate it only with deviant sexuality problems, and being Trans or Transgender are not principally about sexuality, they are identity issues.

It is confusing when you are first coming out and can sometimes throw us more seasoned folks for a loop.

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Oh I apologise for using that word.  It's the word I've been taught to use.  I didn't realize it was a loaded term.

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1 hour ago, ThrowAwayName said:

If I'm trans, my next step would be to talk to a counselor who specializes in such things

I want to preface this...Therapy is certainly a good ‘next step’ because despite what anyone posts, only you can know for sure.

 

Your story has many similarities to mine with just a few very minor differences. I wanted to be like my sisters and their girlfriends at the much earlier age of 4 but remember thoughts about it even before that. If you had this desire to be feminine before puberty and sexual desire, then that is an important to put your focus especially with a good therapist.
 

I say this because by age 11, puberty really started confusing things for me in regards to my identity as a man or woman.  And as @KathyLauren pointed out, it gender identity has very little to do with sexual orientation.  It can muddy things up a bit. I was suddenly attracted to woman and I believe the desire to dress was mixed in with the desire to be them to some degree.  I wanted not only them but to have everything they had...their beauty, their feminine movement, their voice, the attention they received, the clothing and makeup, and so much more.  You wanted similar things but at that point you may not have been able to separate these desires...at least that how I believe it was for myself.


We both have had desires for male attention but it does in itself have anything directly to do with your gender identity.  At 13, I was groomed by a man which confused me even further. I didn’t ‘come out’ to him and reveal I wore women’s clothing until 17 for fear of embarrassment...lol  I know how crazy that sounds. For a time, I thought this alone had to mean I was female, I was with a man and wore ladies clothing.  But these were just factors that convoluted the issues.
 

Another key difference between your experience and mine...I wanted a lesbian relationship while presenting female. I secretly stayed in this sexual relationship with this man until age 23.  Like you, I was much more attracted to him as a woman.  I had been playing the guy role in my life the best i could up until that relationship ended.  
 

Then I started publicly dressing for the next 10 years after moving further from family. It was then that I felt no sexual desire to present female...I knew I wanted to be female at that point but could not commit to (or afford) a transition in those early days.  So you might ask yourself, if there was no societal pressure or stigma for gender conformity, would you want to become female and all that entails exclusively or just wear the clothing for sexual gratification?  The answer reveals a little about yourself.

 

Shortly after starting hormones, my libido decreased substantially but my desire to continue toward becoming myself increased. I knew without any doubt at that point that I wanted more than just the clothing...I still wanted it all in just the same way I did when I was a child.


I hope you can pull something out of that mess of a post but I’ve got so much going on right now and had about 20 interruptions while writing this.  I wanted to welcome you too and look forward to reading more about you down the road.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

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1 hour ago, ThrowAwayName said:

Also, it may be important to note that I also do have some underlying mental health condition.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar and all of the doctors have gone with that diagnosis.  I'm not sure if I am bipolar... The medicine doesn't seem to help much.

 

Another one that gets thrown around a lot is Asperger's.  I've never been formally evaluated for it, but a few laypeople and one therapist has suggested it.  My long time psychiatrist has told me I don't have it.

I came here presuming I was simply MtF and labeled myself such.

After numerous discussion with my gender therapist it was suggested a better label for me is gender nonconforming  (non-binary). By the time I got to that place, I had decided that labels really don't fit me and I was just going to be "me".

I don't think anyone else can accurately pick what you are because they're not you. Figuring that out is part of the growth process, but you shouldn't feel pressure to pick a label and wear it. Many people seem to evolve gradually. And that's really okay.

I'd also suggest that meeting with a gender therapist doesn't require getting your "story" ironed out first. In fact those sessions are how you get yourself figured out.

TA

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Thanks for the thought experiment.  If there were no societal pressures, I would definitely go with female.  Not just for sexual pleasure.  I feel more comfortable in female clothes.  Hell, I'm in them right now and am certainly not getting off talking to you all :-p.

 

the fear of being labeled as something is quite bad.  If I ever come out to my family, I'll almost certainly need something to calm me down first.  I don't expect anything ridiculously negative.  There are openly gay members of my family, they are fully accepted and their sexuality is a non issue.

 

TBH, I'd much, much rather come out as gay.  There doesn't seem to be as much stigma behind that one... And "I want other guys" seems pretty easy to explain.

 

not only does transgender seem hard to explain, id also have to explain that I'd been lying to and manipulating them for decades.

 

As I said, I've been doing this for decades and have never been caught.  I think that makes me a pretty good liar and manipulator.  The weird thing is that other than this (and a drinking problem I had for a few years), I don't really lie about much.

 

Then again, coming out would make some of my behaviours make more sense.  Examples:

 

Where is my money going?

 

(Some family members think I have a drug problem.  The truth is I use but only soft stuff and moderately... I've really been spending my money on female clothes, breast forms, wigs, etc... That I have to replace as I occasionally throw out when I get too paranoid) 

 

Where do I go at night when I'm away from home?

 

(I've told my family (well my dad at least) that I've been hooking up with floozies for one night stands that I met on the internet.  Truth is, I sometimes want to be feminine with ZERO worry about getting caught so I go to a hotel and lock the door... Also... See: where has my money been going... Some of it has been going to cheap hotels).

 

Why do you lock your door when you live with family?

 

(So you don't catch me dressed as a girl or go snooping about and find things... You know how I told you it's because of paranoia and an intense desire to have space that is "mine"?  Guess what?  Also not true!)

1 hour ago, Susan R said:

I want to preface this...Therapy is certainly a good ‘next step’ because despite what anyone posts, only you can know for sure.

 

Your story has many similarities to mine with just a few very minor differences. I wanted to be like my sisters and their girlfriends at the much earlier age of 4 but remember thoughts about it even before that. If you had this desire to be feminine before puberty and sexual desire, then that is an important to put your focus especially with a good therapist.
 

I say this because by age 11, puberty really started confusing things for me in regards to my identity as a man or woman.  And as @KathyLauren pointed out, it gender identity has very little to do with sexual orientation.  It can muddy things up a bit. I was suddenly attracted to woman and I believe the desire to dress was mixed in with the desire to be them to some degree.  I wanted not only them but to have everything they had...their beauty, their feminine movement, their voice, the attention they received, the clothing and makeup, and so much more.  You wanted similar things but at that point you may not have been able to separate these desires...at least that how I believe it was for myself.


We both have had desires for male attention but it does in itself have anything directly to do with your gender identity.  At 13, I was groomed by a man which confused me even further. I didn’t ‘come out’ to him and reveal I wore women’s clothing until 17 for fear of embarrassment...lol  I know how crazy that sounds. For a time, I thought this alone had to mean I was female, I was with a man and wore ladies clothing.  But these were just factors that convoluted the issues.
 

Another key difference between your experience and mine...I wanted a lesbian relationship while presenting female. I secretly stayed in this sexual relationship with this man until age 23.  Like you, I was much more attracted to him as a woman.  I had been playing the guy role in my life the best i could up until that relationship ended.  
 

Then I started publicly dressing for the next 10 years after moving further from family. It was then that I felt no sexual desire to present female...I knew I wanted to be female at that point but could not commit to (or afford) a transition in those early days.  So you might ask yourself, if there was no societal pressure or stigma for gender conformity, would you want to become female and all that entails exclusively or just wear the clothing for sexual gratification?  The answer reveals a little about yourself.

 

Shortly after starting hormones, my libido decreased substantially but my desire to continue toward becoming myself increased. I knew without any doubt at that point that I wanted more than just the clothing...I still wanted it all in just the same way I did when I was a child.


I hope you can pull something out of that mess of a post but I’ve got so much going on right now and had about 20 interruptions while writing this.  I wanted to welcome you too and look forward to reading more about you down the road.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

 

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Hi T.A.N, that whole, "am I or aren't I?" question can be really confusing.  I had just assumed that I was a crossdresser for my entire teen and adult life and that it was just a shameful part of myself that stayed firmly hidden, internet purchases being bought and worn for thrills and then thrown out when I was paranoid about someone finding them.  At 40 I kind of reached a crisis moment in my life, my wife left me and told me I had issues I needed to confront about myself.  Just a few weeks later I went out as a female in fancy dress to a D&D party (I took it way too seriously) and realised at the end of the night I did not want to get changed back into my male clothes. Since then I have been doing a lot of soul searching, the first thing I did was buy normal female clothes to test and explore the fetish side, turns out not so much. I really just love being DeeDee, quite a lot of blogging and experiments later and I am currently trying to speak to a therapist and try HRT to see how I feel without all the T coursing through me, but while a lot of the journies I have read here are similar, some folks know straight away and others don't. Thats why it is so important to find someone you can trust to talk to about it. Also, pleased to meet you! :) 

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How was telling your parents and friends?

 

Where do I find a gender therapist?  Can I just go on psychology today and select "transgender" as the reason or is there more to it?

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Hey TAN..everyone above has valet points. We all at one point face your challenges. When we you say you never be caught its sounds like what I would of said. Cause we all thought that we were doing something wrong. Dee and Tammy have the right approach. Fig out you. GT is a great way to start, but a trusting mental health official is also good. I began CD at the age of 5, but my late teens's I was convince I was going to hell and there's was something mentally wrong with. I didn't what to hurt or embarrass my family so bye my 20's I took off. I fought with what I though was a mental illness until someone recommend a therapist. Unfortunately. He was not G.T and convince me that it was just a fetish, Bi-sexual and would need to come to terms with it....It took another 4yrs to finally find the LA.Gender Center and they have help enormously. So find someone who will help, listen and guide you to becoming a better you. Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

 

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1 hour ago, ThrowAwayName said:

How was telling your parents and friends?

 

Where do I find a gender therapist?  Can I just go on psychology today and select "transgender" as the reason or is there more to it?

You’ll find mixed responses from every person here regarding your question of how it was telling parents and friends.  Some of my family accepted, some didn't.  It went particularly bad with my children but my wife is an angel.  It’s a crapshoot.

 

You can locate a therapist using the PsychologyToday search engine.  My health portal for mental health uses the same PsychologyToday engine and I just found one earlier this week.  I typed in the term “Gender Dysphoria” in the “Search Condition” field.  It’s somewhat accurate and up to date but you’ll still need to call several therapists off the result pages.  You’ll need to find out several things— e.g.; if they’ll accept your insurance, accept new patients (some aren’t accepting even though it says they are on the results), specialize and/or are certified to deal with gender identity issues,  and some therapists require you to have an ‘in-network’ Primary Care Provider. You might want to ask if they offer online video conferencing option (Telehealth) if you plan to do this anytime soon.  I’m starting with a new therapist tomorrow.  She requires one ‘person to person’ visit and the rest of the sessions will be done through Telehealth.  Otherwise, I would’ve had to wait awhile before getting in.

 

3 hours ago, ThrowAwayName said:

As I said, I've been doing this for decades and have never been caught.  I think that makes me a pretty good liar and manipulator. 

You are like many here...including myself.  Many of us lived our lives and had to lie by omission as a protective measure.  It wasn’t done with any ill intent or malice.  You should not feel bad about hiding a part of yourselves that many would not have been supportive in your youth.

One other thing...after sharing my secret, I found that I did not hide my secret as well as I thought. A few people that I thought had no idea, had found out but said nothing to me all those years. 
 

Susan R?

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14 hours ago, ThrowAwayName said:

Trans or crossdresser?

 

No one really asked this question. To me your original post was fundermentally without direction.

 

To make it clearer could you define your interpretation of Trans or transvestite?

 

What do you think they mean?

 

Before any answer be given in reality the question has to be understood.

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Well I made a first step and told my therapist.  I've never told a person I actually know before.  She's just a general therapist, but it's a start.

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On 3/27/2020 at 4:17 AM, Maid In Bedlam said:

 

No one really asked this question. To me your original post was fundermentally without direction.

 

To make it clearer could you define your interpretation of Trans or transvestite?

 

What do you think they mean?

 

Before any answer be given in reality the question has to be understood.

I meant trans as in transgender.

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On 3/26/2020 at 6:32 PM, ThrowAwayName said:

 

I also realize that, by posting this, I'm kind of sort of asking for information that would be better handed out by a therapist.  I'm not there yet.  I need additional validation before I can sit down and talk about this with another human

 

 

7 hours ago, ThrowAwayName said:

I meant trans as in transgender.

 

 

Before a, As you call it validation what is your own idea of being transgender is?

 

 

This may sound like a rather starange question. But peoples throughts on what they are actually defining themselves can be very diffrent.

 

An example of this would be.

 

transsexual;

 

Quote

A transsexual is a person who has decided that they want to live as a person of the opposite sex, and so has changed their name and appearance in order to do this. Transsexuals sometimes have an operation to change their sex.

 

This definition I dont actually agree with in parts but for the purposes of answeing your question is sufficent.

 

Trangender:

 

Quote

noting or relating to a person who does not conform to societal gender norms or roles.

 

 

Almost the same you would think at first glance. But in reality Two very diffrent conditions.

 

You also use the word transvestite. Which again is a very diffrent and can be classed as  outdated  in some quarters.

 

Which would relate to if you;

 

Quote

A transvestite is someone who enjoys wearing clothes normally worn by people of the opposite sex.

 

 

As i will reiterate. Before an answer you have to understand the question.

 

Just saying could i be, is just the starting point.  Logic will dictate what you could or could not be  by a process of elimination.

 

Dont even get me started on Gender fluid, Gender queer, Non Binary. The list goes on.

 

 

On 3/26/2020 at 6:32 PM, ThrowAwayName said:

I do intend on changing things depending on the responses I get here.  If I'm a transvestite I will probably just keep doing it in secret or maybe try to stop for the right girl.

 

Do you have a compelling feeling you was not assigned the right gender at birth or do you just get a feeling of sexual euphoria when dress in clothes of the oposite sex? And pardon the frankness of that questiion but if your just a transvestite then that would be a good indicator or starting point..

 

However if ihave made you think Now have i felt theres something wrong my whole life and I feel that i have been a, (And i hate to use this term) A Woman trapped in a mans body. Then i would say there is something deeper going on.

 

Remember a Man doesnt become a woman. A woman just makes herself more womanly. Ie, Transsexual.

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Well step 2 was taken

 

I told my dad and my sister.  They were both very supportive.  Not crazy supportive... They need some time to digest, but they're on my side.

 

I have a call with a gender therapist tomorrow.

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Congratulations!  Telling family is one of the hardest steps to take, and you've done it!  "On your side" is a very good start.

 

Good luck talking to the gender therapist tomorrow.

 

Kathy

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1 hour ago, ThrowAwayName said:

Well step 2 was taken

 

I told my dad and my sister.  They were both very supportive.  Not crazy supportive... They need some time to digest, but they're on my side.

 

I have a call with a gender therapist tomorrow.

Well, h*ck, it seems like you are on the right path; congrats! :0

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I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but what's it like when you first go out in public dressed up?

 

I'm actually not that worried about getting attacked.  I'm very well versed the fighting arts ... Violence is something I understand.

 

Sneers, jeers and disapproving looks would almost certainly get to me.

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    • Abigail Genevieve
      The two o'clock Onshoring meeting was going well.  Taylor was leading, inviting other people up to speak on their specialties. Aerial photogrammetry and surveying, including the exact boundary, were out for contract signature  Gibson had handled that - Manufacturing was supposed to, but somehow hadn't happened.  Legal issues from Legal. Accounting reported on current costs, including all upkeep, guard salaries, etc.  Manufacturing was supposed to give those numbers, but they hadn't.   The downside was the VP of Manufacturing.  He had arrived at the meeting red-faced, his tie askew, clutching a bottle. It smelled strongly of vodka. He had never done anything in his twenty years of being VP of Manufacturing, and he did not like being asked now.   "Mr. ----, do you have the inventory we asked for?" Taylor asked politely.  VP Gibson had asked him to have his people go through the plant and not only inventory but assess the operational status of every piece of equipment.  They needed to know what they had. "I'm not going to take any f---- orders from a g-d- tra---," he snarled. "God knows what kind of perverts it has dragged into our fair city and bangs every night." "That is completely out of line." That was Gibson.  Taylor controlled herself.  That was a shot at Bob, not just at Taylor.  She was glad Bob was not there to do something stupid.  Had Mrs. McCarthy been talking? What had she said?  Was she given to embellishment?  Taylor took a deep breath. "I'm not sorry.  You f--- can take this stupid onshoring --- and shove it up your -" "That is quite enough."  This was the head of HR. "You can take your sissy ways and sashay -" "You are fired." "You can't fire me." "Oh, yes I can," said the office manager.  The VP took another swig from his bottle. "Try it."  He looked uncertain. "I will have you removed.  Are you going to leave on your own?  I am calling the police to help you leave." And he dialed the number. He stomped out cursing. They heard him noisily go down the hall.  This was the front conference room.  He actually went through security and out the door, throwing his badge on the ground on his way.  The guard picked it up. They could see this through the glass wall. "Can you fire a VP?" "The Board told me that if anyone gives me problems they should be shown the door. Even a VP.  I can fire everyone here. I won't, of course. Those were problems." "Are you alright, Taylor?" She nodded.  "I've heard worse.  Shall we continue?" And they did.   The last item was that certain business people in China had been arrested, and the corporation that had been supporting them all these years had been dissolved.  They were on their own, and the Board was dead serious on straightening things out.  After this meeting, Taylor believed it.  She did not attend the meeting to discuss how to distribute the few duties the VP of Manufacturing had done.  That was ultimately up to the Board.    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Lunch was at Cabaret, still free.  The place was quiet: it was the sort of place you took a business client to impress them, and the few other people were in business suits.  Most of the legal profession was there.   She told him of the morning's frustrations, breaking her own rule about confidentiality.  She asked Karen how the branding was going, and Karen had snapped back that she had not started on it yet - they had all these proposals.  Taylor had explained that it was important, for the two o'clock meeting, and Karen told her to do it herself.  Karen pointed out that Taylor could not touch her - her uncle was on the Board and her brother was VP of Manufacturing.  Nor would the two computer guys go out to the plant - they were playing some kind of MMORPG and simply not available. If she wanted the pictures, she should go.  Mary prayed an Ave Maria, but both she and Brenda were racing to get the proposal out. The client wanted it Friday for review.   She didn't bring up what Mrs. McCarthy had told her.  She wasn't sure how to approach it.  She thought of telling her of a 'something more comfortable' she had bought in case he ever DID show up at her door. It was in the bottom drawer of her dresser, ready to go.  Instead she talked about moving to a place with a garage.  Several of the abandoned houses had one, and they had been maintained well with China cash.   Bob had finally realized that when he was introduced as Bob, Taylor's boyfriend, that was just how things were done here. Other people had introduced each other in terms of family relationships, which were strong.  Long before you found out anything else about someone, you knew how they were related.  Family kept people from leaving Millville.    "What is the real name of this town, anyway?"   She laughed.  "I am trying to find that out.  It's 'Welcome to Millvale' when you come into town from the north, and 'Welcome to Millville' on the south.  I have counted two other variants."   "What a town. Roosevelt is like that, with the families, but there is only one spelling."  
    • Ashley0616
      Nothing wrong with that. I'm glad that you found what makes you happy! Just curious what does your wife think? If it's too personal I understand.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      – According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is Max. Other popular names include Molly, Sam, Zach, and Maggie.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      Either new environment/ not potty trained
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Bob was on his way home from the dojo and he "just happened" to driver by her place. It was 10:30.  Her light was still on.  He knew exactly where she was sitting.  He saw her in his mind.   A fierce wave of desire that took his breath away suddenly showed up. All he had to do was stop, get out of the car, walk to the door and knock.  She would answer, glad to see him.  She would know why he was there and what he wanted. She would invite him in, maybe get him something to drink, disappear for a moment and return in "something more comfortable."  She would lead him back. Oh, joy.   And never, ever speak to him again afterwards.  Or she would not let him in but be angry about it.  In no way, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually, was she ready for this, and he knew it, if he was honest with himself, and she knew he knew it.  She would look upon it as another assault and their relationship would be irretrievably broken.  He would have to leave town. It would devastate her. It would devastate him.    He fought himself.  He was frozen to his seat as his reason and his body fought. He was twenty four years old, a full-blooded male with normal desires; he had just worked out and he was ready.  All he had to do now was open the car door. No one would know. He held his hands, one in the other, to keep one from moving, against his reason and will, to open that door.  He did not want to be a slave of his desires.   He looked across the street.  Mrs. McCarthy, sister of his landlord, was peeking though her window.  She knew his car.  Everyone in town would know by noon the next day if he got out of the car.  Taylor did not need that, either, and she would know, if he came to the door now, what a selfish thing it would be: in his own eyes, in the eyes of Taylor, in the eyes of the town, and worst of all, in the eyes of God.   He sat there a moment longer.  He was, as he reflected, entering into her sufferings in a small way that she would be made whole, healthy and happy: what he wanted more than anything.  But this hurt.  Why had all this come on her?  He asked God again, but there was only silence. He drove home in that silence. He chided himself for even going on her street and for driving on it other nights.  He would stop that, he told himself.   ------------------------------------------   The next morning Taylor went out to her car to go to work.  Mrs. McCarthy met her before she got to it. "I thought you were going to get lucky last night, dearie," she said. Taylor was puzzled. "Why, what do you mean?" "That young fellow - you know, Bob - he's been driving around here, going up and down the street some nights, not stopping.  Well, last night he parked and sat in his car for a while.   I think he was staring at your window.  I think he was trying to get up the courage to knock on the door. I was rooting for him.   But then he drove away.  Faint heart never won fair lady, as they say. What a shame. You two are a lovely couple.  Well, have a good day!" "Thank you, Mrs. McCarthy."  Taylor knew Bob extremely well and knew what had been going through his mind.  She was more than grateful he had not gotten out of the car. Better for him, better for her, better for everybody.  Surgery "down there" sooner than later.  This was driving the poor boy crazy. It was driving her crazy, too.  But she had a lot to work through. Surgery "up here" she said, pointing to her head.  She woke up her therapist on the way to work.  They were still talking when she pulled into her designated parking spot.  That was a perk that had happened yesterday.  She took a deep breath and headed into work. It would be another wild day.
    • Ashley0616
      bittersweet: especially : pleasure accompanied by suffering or regret
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I'm thinking about some interactions yesterday I did, while presenting as male but acting as female, that were far better than I did when I was presenting as male and acting as male.  #girlunderhood. I do a crappy job at acting as male and I am giving it up.  I am not talking about feminine gestures or presentation but just relating as a woman.  People don't realize I am doing it but it is a whole lot easier to do.   You don't just put on a dress and BOOM you are a girl.  You are a girl and you put on a dress.  Or not. Whether I am in jeans or a skirt (I wish, wife would have lots to say) I am a girl.  I don't need $250 in makeup and heels and hose and all that.  I don't need surgery. Honey, I have arrived.  Now I have to work out how that best works in my life, causing the minimal damage and creating the maximum good, but I have more working room.   Oh, and I am still pissed off at everyone and everything. #Contradictory.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      @Willow it is certainly possible that my husband planned it. Placing me in the path of an opportunity....he certainly does things like that. GF has done some work for the company as an outside consultant, so I'm sure the company owner knows what potential resources are around.    It could also have just happened randomly. He has taken me to work with him before, just because he likes to have me around. I remember one time that I fell asleep with my head in his lap, and he held a meeting with his subordinates without waking me and making me move.  The company culture is family oriented and relaxed.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The photo is great.  Software is phenomenal but it also is sort of a promise of things to come. Years ago this sort of thing took a photographer and Photoshop and all sorts of things and you would say, "I can look like THIS??"   Me, I am a duck.  That's from my driver's license.  Just kidding.
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