Trans or crossdresser?

[ThrowAwayName]

Hello,

 

I hope all is well with everyone today.  I'm new here (and new to all such forums).  Please be forgiving if I accidentally break some rule that I am not aware of.  I come here with no ill intent or desire to offend anyone.

 

I also realize that, by posting this, I'm kind of sort of asking for information that would be better handed out by a therapist.  I'm not there yet.  I need additional validation before I can sit down and talk about this with another human.

 

Since I was very young (late elementary school to early middle school), I've had the desire to dress up as a woman (I'm biologically male).  I started off using my sister's old swimsuits and latex gloves filled with water for breasts.  I'm now in my mid 30s and am much better at it.  I know less is more when applying Hollister adhesive to breastforms.  I am pretty good at makeup (eye makeup at least).  I can put on a coat of nail polish without getting a bit on my skin.  I've done this all in secret for decades, have never been caught and the only ones who "know" are the people I buy supplies from.

 

It feels like I'm living a double life and I would like some answers.  I'm curious as to whether I am transgender or if I'm simply a transvestite.  My understanding of the terms is that a transgender person actually wants to be the opposite gender while a transvestite is someone (often a straight male) who simply has a fetish for wearing women's clothes.

 

 

 

 

A bit more about my double life....

 

As a male--

 

When im going around normally, I am a more or less straight male.  I am attracted to women only and enjoy being with women sexually.  I have had successful relationships with women that have lasted years.

 

Regarding my masculinity... It's a mixed bag.  I'm not very effeminate but not really macho either.  When I take a woman out on a date, I always pay for her meal except if she insists otherwise.  Also, I've been out with girlfriends I've had, someone has started something with them and I immediately stood up for her and started a fight, which I imagine is a pretty male thing to do.

 

There are a lot of things about masculinity that are either just not me and kind of rub me the wrong way.  I find <sexual exploit>  bragging to be incredibly annoying and piggish.  When I see a guy trying to pick up a girl at a bar and he starts in with the hokey lines, imagining me doing that always makes my skin crawl.

 

Regarding that... I'm not sure if it's relevant to mention, but I've never "picked up" a woman.  I've had relationships, but they've all been ones where she came to me OR they've been ones where we were just kind of talking and one thing led to another.  I very much prefer partners coming after me, which I guess is a female characteristic.  Hell this one time, a girlfriend and I went to a gay bar.  At some point I was alone and, during this time, not one but TWO guys asked me to dance.  I said "to hell with it... When in Rome".  They both gave me their numbers, which I thought was AWESOME.  I wasn't interested in getting with them (I had a girl at the time and I was in my male skin after all).  It just felt better to be on the receiving end of the sexual advances.  I wondered how great my sex life would be if women acted the way these gay guys did.  

 

As a female--

 

.as I said before, I understand the difference between transgender and transvestite is that the transgender person is "stuck in the wrong body" and the transvestite just has a fetish.

 

I'm not going to lie, there is a sexual element to this, I do get somewhat aroused wearing women's clothes and that I do crossdress "sexier" than most women walking around (e.g. using large breast forms, wearing thong underwear, wearing low cut tops, etc...).

 

That being said, I am not sure if it's just something I get off to or if there is something more to it.  It definitely used to be more exclusively sexual... Perhaps that's because I was younger and young people can't stop thinking about sex.

 

But anyways, I prefer to wear women's clothes almost all of the time... Even when I'm not sitting back and fantasizing.  I like wearing them when I'm cooking meals, watching TV, going to sleep, surfing the internet, etc... Basically if I'm in a place where there's no one around to catch me, I'm almost always "dressed up".

 

I mentioned earlier that when I'm male, I'm exclusively interested in females.  The opposite is true when I'm dressed as a woman.  I have no interest in lesbian relationships and, when I do fantasize, it's about men.  Perhaps this means I'm really bi but can only deal with the attraction to males when I'm in the "proper attire".  I'm not sure if that's the case because my male self literally feels nothing in terms of being attracted to other men.  Please understand that I'm here seeking help and am being as honest about this as I can be.

 

What does everyone think?  Do I sound trans or transvestite?  I've never had a conversation with another human being about this before and I appreciate and respect any answers.

 

I do intend on changing things depending on the responses I get here.  If I'm a transvestite I will probably just keep doing it in secret or maybe try to stop for the right girl.

 

If I'm trans, my next step would be to talk to a counselor who specializes in such things 

 

Thanks in advance and I apologize for the long post!

Edited March 26, 2020 by VickySGV
See rules on language suitable for under 18 members

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums, your story fits you in with the crowd here where we do have people from 13 years up. 

[ThrowAwayName]

40 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

Welcome to the Forums, your story fits you in with the crowd here where we do have people from 13 years up. 

Thank you for your response. I'm a bit confused by the wording, though.  Do you vote trans or transvestite?

[ThrowAwayName]

Also, does anyone know when my posts will no longer require moderator pre-authorization?

[ThrowAwayName]

Also, it may be important to note that I also do have some underlying mental health condition.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar and all of the doctors have gone with that diagnosis.  I'm not sure if I am bipolar... The medicine doesn't seem to help much.

 

Another one that gets thrown around a lot is Asperger's.  I've never been formally evaluated for it, but a few laypeople and one therapist has suggested it.  My long time psychiatrist has told me I don't have it.

[KathyLauren]

Your story is remarkably similar to mine.  I, too, dressed in women's clothes all the time when I was at home, and I underdressed when out in public.  And, although I did find some sexual gratification in it, it quickly became apparent that there was more to it than that.  I dressed because I felt better that way, not because I got off on it.

 

Many, perhaps most of us come to recognize ourselves as transgender by way of cross-dressing.  So there is nothing in your post that would suggest that you aren't transgender.  There is enough to suggest that you are to recommend seeing a gender therapist.

 

Whom you are attracted to is not a factor at all.  There are gay, straight and bi transgender people, just as there are gay, straight and bi cisgender people.  Sometimes people change their orientation when they transition, sometimes they don't.

 

I am not going to tell you that you are or aren't transgender.  But I will recommend seeing a therapist to investigate further.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Jackie C.]

As you've pointed out, there is also bi-gender, bisexual, genderfluid... A good friend of mine identifies as bi-gender, though he mostly dresses socially. It comes down to what you get from it. I'll talk about being trans because that's where I'm at so I know it the best: I absolutely hated being a guy. I was walking around in this "guy suit" I'd constructed way back in the day so I wouldn't get bullied. My female behaviors got buried and buried deep. I cultivated some male behaviors I could trot out so people wouldn't think I was too weird and tried to live my life.

 

Now, my bi-gendered friend spends time as "Jennifer" when she's stressed and needs to get away from her life. It's not a sexual thing so much as she enjoys being out and about as Jennifer as a release valve from the pressures of day to day. She also enjoys costume design and cosplay. While she'll run errands as Jennifer, she prefers to do housework as a guy. As far as sexual attraction, I'm not sure she has any either way. As far as I know, neither of them has dated and certainly never introduced me to a boy or girlfriend.

 

So you can see there's a lot of different ways to be trans or straight or bi or cross-dress or whatever. I'd see about talking to a therapist for sure though. It's recommended that we see someone for at least a year before we consider any additional steps. After all, while being trans does not mean you have a mental illness, plenty of us develop mental illnesses from hiding that we're trans.

 

Hugs! 

[VickySGV]

After five posts you are no longer on mandatory full review although our Moderator and Admin Team are very active members who keep an eye on things as a "soft review" after that and may pull posts that go outside our Forum rules or the Admin/Mods interpretation of the rule.  In those cases you will be notified of what has happened if the post "disappears".  You can PM any of us on staff if you have questions about posting something or just have a question you feel is too personal for the open forums.  We do have people as young as 13 on this forum and we need to keep things at that level as far as terminology goes.  Usually our "dirty word" filter takes care of that for us but staff can make edits when we see it, usually without penalty.  It is for that reason we do not allow self editing but again the Mod / Admin staff can be contacted for help if you want something changed.

 

Transvestite is an old term that is not used due to some very hurtful usage and hatred in the past.  The term used now is Cross-Dresser or CD for short.  The word Transsexual is also out of favor because many people over associate it only with deviant sexuality problems, and being Trans or Transgender are not principally about sexuality, they are identity issues.

It is confusing when you are first coming out and can sometimes throw us more seasoned folks for a loop.

[ThrowAwayName]

Oh I apologise for using that word.  It's the word I've been taught to use.  I didn't realize it was a loaded term.

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, ThrowAwayName said:

If I'm trans, my next step would be to talk to a counselor who specializes in such things

I want to preface this...Therapy is certainly a good ‘next step’ because despite what anyone posts, only you can know for sure.

 

Your story has many similarities to mine with just a few very minor differences. I wanted to be like my sisters and their girlfriends at the much earlier age of 4 but remember thoughts about it even before that. If you had this desire to be feminine before puberty and sexual desire, then that is an important to put your focus especially with a good therapist.
 

I say this because by age 11, puberty really started confusing things for me in regards to my identity as a man or woman.  And as @KathyLauren pointed out, it gender identity has very little to do with sexual orientation.  It can muddy things up a bit. I was suddenly attracted to woman and I believe the desire to dress was mixed in with the desire to be them to some degree.  I wanted not only them but to have everything they had...their beauty, their feminine movement, their voice, the attention they received, the clothing and makeup, and so much more.  You wanted similar things but at that point you may not have been able to separate these desires...at least that how I believe it was for myself.

We both have had desires for male attention but it does in itself have anything directly to do with your gender identity.  At 13, I was groomed by a man which confused me even further. I didn’t ‘come out’ to him and reveal I wore women’s clothing until 17 for fear of embarrassment...lol  I know how crazy that sounds. For a time, I thought this alone had to mean I was female, I was with a man and wore ladies clothing.  But these were just factors that convoluted the issues.
 

Another key difference between your experience and mine...I wanted a lesbian relationship while presenting female. I secretly stayed in this sexual relationship with this man until age 23.  Like you, I was much more attracted to him as a woman.  I had been playing the guy role in my life the best i could up until that relationship ended.  
 

Then I started publicly dressing for the next 10 years after moving further from family. It was then that I felt no sexual desire to present female...I knew I wanted to be female at that point but could not commit to (or afford) a transition in those early days.  So you might ask yourself, if there was no societal pressure or stigma for gender conformity, would you want to become female and all that entails exclusively or just wear the clothing for sexual gratification?  The answer reveals a little about yourself.

 

Shortly after starting hormones, my libido decreased substantially but my desire to continue toward becoming myself increased. I knew without any doubt at that point that I wanted more than just the clothing...I still wanted it all in just the same way I did when I was a child.

I hope you can pull something out of that mess of a post but I’ve got so much going on right now and had about 20 interruptions while writing this.  I wanted to welcome you too and look forward to reading more about you down the road.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

[TommieAnne]

1 hour ago, ThrowAwayName said:

Also, it may be important to note that I also do have some underlying mental health condition.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar and all of the doctors have gone with that diagnosis.  I'm not sure if I am bipolar... The medicine doesn't seem to help much.

 

Another one that gets thrown around a lot is Asperger's.  I've never been formally evaluated for it, but a few laypeople and one therapist has suggested it.  My long time psychiatrist has told me I don't have it.

I came here presuming I was simply MtF and labeled myself such.

After numerous discussion with my gender therapist it was suggested a better label for me is gender nonconforming  (non-binary). By the time I got to that place, I had decided that labels really don't fit me and I was just going to be "me".

I don't think anyone else can accurately pick what you are because they're not you. Figuring that out is part of the growth process, but you shouldn't feel pressure to pick a label and wear it. Many people seem to evolve gradually. And that's really okay.

I'd also suggest that meeting with a gender therapist doesn't require getting your "story" ironed out first. In fact those sessions are how you get yourself figured out.

TA

[ThrowAwayName]

Thanks for the thought experiment.  If there were no societal pressures, I would definitely go with female.  Not just for sexual pleasure.  I feel more comfortable in female clothes.  Hell, I'm in them right now and am certainly not getting off talking to you all :-p.

 

the fear of being labeled as something is quite bad.  If I ever come out to my family, I'll almost certainly need something to calm me down first.  I don't expect anything ridiculously negative.  There are openly gay members of my family, they are fully accepted and their sexuality is a non issue.

 

TBH, I'd much, much rather come out as gay.  There doesn't seem to be as much stigma behind that one... And "I want other guys" seems pretty easy to explain.

 

not only does transgender seem hard to explain, id also have to explain that I'd been lying to and manipulating them for decades.

 

As I said, I've been doing this for decades and have never been caught.  I think that makes me a pretty good liar and manipulator.  The weird thing is that other than this (and a drinking problem I had for a few years), I don't really lie about much.

 

Then again, coming out would make some of my behaviours make more sense.  Examples:

 

Where is my money going?

 

(Some family members think I have a drug problem.  The truth is I use but only soft stuff and moderately... I've really been spending my money on female clothes, breast forms, wigs, etc... That I have to replace as I occasionally throw out when I get too paranoid) 

 

Where do I go at night when I'm away from home?

 

(I've told my family (well my dad at least) that I've been hooking up with floozies for one night stands that I met on the internet.  Truth is, I sometimes want to be feminine with ZERO worry about getting caught so I go to a hotel and lock the door... Also... See: where has my money been going... Some of it has been going to cheap hotels).

 

Why do you lock your door when you live with family?

 

(So you don't catch me dressed as a girl or go snooping about and find things... You know how I told you it's because of paranoia and an intense desire to have space that is "mine"?  Guess what?  Also not true!)

1 hour ago, Susan R said:

I want to preface this...Therapy is certainly a good ‘next step’ because despite what anyone posts, only you can know for sure.

 

Your story has many similarities to mine with just a few very minor differences. I wanted to be like my sisters and their girlfriends at the much earlier age of 4 but remember thoughts about it even before that. If you had this desire to be feminine before puberty and sexual desire, then that is an important to put your focus especially with a good therapist.
 

I say this because by age 11, puberty really started confusing things for me in regards to my identity as a man or woman.  And as @KathyLauren pointed out, it gender identity has very little to do with sexual orientation.  It can muddy things up a bit. I was suddenly attracted to woman and I believe the desire to dress was mixed in with the desire to be them to some degree.  I wanted not only them but to have everything they had...their beauty, their feminine movement, their voice, the attention they received, the clothing and makeup, and so much more.  You wanted similar things but at that point you may not have been able to separate these desires...at least that how I believe it was for myself.

We both have had desires for male attention but it does in itself have anything directly to do with your gender identity.  At 13, I was groomed by a man which confused me even further. I didn’t ‘come out’ to him and reveal I wore women’s clothing until 17 for fear of embarrassment...lol  I know how crazy that sounds. For a time, I thought this alone had to mean I was female, I was with a man and wore ladies clothing.  But these were just factors that convoluted the issues.
 

Another key difference between your experience and mine...I wanted a lesbian relationship while presenting female. I secretly stayed in this sexual relationship with this man until age 23.  Like you, I was much more attracted to him as a woman.  I had been playing the guy role in my life the best i could up until that relationship ended.  
 

Then I started publicly dressing for the next 10 years after moving further from family. It was then that I felt no sexual desire to present female...I knew I wanted to be female at that point but could not commit to (or afford) a transition in those early days.  So you might ask yourself, if there was no societal pressure or stigma for gender conformity, would you want to become female and all that entails exclusively or just wear the clothing for sexual gratification?  The answer reveals a little about yourself.

 

Shortly after starting hormones, my libido decreased substantially but my desire to continue toward becoming myself increased. I knew without any doubt at that point that I wanted more than just the clothing...I still wanted it all in just the same way I did when I was a child.

I hope you can pull something out of that mess of a post but I’ve got so much going on right now and had about 20 interruptions while writing this.  I wanted to welcome you too and look forward to reading more about you down the road.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

 

[DeeDee]

Hi T.A.N, that whole, "am I or aren't I?" question can be really confusing.  I had just assumed that I was a crossdresser for my entire teen and adult life and that it was just a shameful part of myself that stayed firmly hidden, internet purchases being bought and worn for thrills and then thrown out when I was paranoid about someone finding them.  At 40 I kind of reached a crisis moment in my life, my wife left me and told me I had issues I needed to confront about myself.  Just a few weeks later I went out as a female in fancy dress to a D&D party (I took it way too seriously) and realised at the end of the night I did not want to get changed back into my male clothes. Since then I have been doing a lot of soul searching, the first thing I did was buy normal female clothes to test and explore the fetish side, turns out not so much. I really just love being DeeDee, quite a lot of blogging and experiments later and I am currently trying to speak to a therapist and try HRT to see how I feel without all the T coursing through me, but while a lot of the journies I have read here are similar, some folks know straight away and others don't. Thats why it is so important to find someone you can trust to talk to about it. Also, pleased to meet you!  

[ThrowAwayName]

How was telling your parents and friends?

 

Where do I find a gender therapist?  Can I just go on psychology today and select "transgender" as the reason or is there more to it?

[Lexi C]

Hey TAN..everyone above has valet points. We all at one point face your challenges. When we you say you never be caught its sounds like what I would of said. Cause we all thought that we were doing something wrong. Dee and Tammy have the right approach. Fig out you. GT is a great way to start, but a trusting mental health official is also good. I began CD at the age of 5, but my late teens's I was convince I was going to hell and there's was something mentally wrong with. I didn't what to hurt or embarrass my family so bye my 20's I took off. I fought with what I though was a mental illness until someone recommend a therapist. Unfortunately. He was not G.T and convince me that it was just a fetish, Bi-sexual and would need to come to terms with it....It took another 4yrs to finally find the LA.Gender Center and they have help enormously. So find someone who will help, listen and guide you to becoming a better you. Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

 

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, ThrowAwayName said:

How was telling your parents and friends?

 

Where do I find a gender therapist?  Can I just go on psychology today and select "transgender" as the reason or is there more to it?

You’ll find mixed responses from every person here regarding your question of how it was telling parents and friends.  Some of my family accepted, some didn't.  It went particularly bad with my children but my wife is an angel.  It’s a crapshoot.

 

You can locate a therapist using the PsychologyToday search engine.  My health portal for mental health uses the same PsychologyToday engine and I just found one earlier this week.  I typed in the term “Gender Dysphoria” in the “Search Condition” field.  It’s somewhat accurate and up to date but you’ll still need to call several therapists off the result pages.  You’ll need to find out several things— e.g.; if they’ll accept your insurance, accept new patients (some aren’t accepting even though it says they are on the results), specialize and/or are certified to deal with gender identity issues,  and some therapists require you to have an ‘in-network’ Primary Care Provider. You might want to ask if they offer online video conferencing option (Telehealth) if you plan to do this anytime soon.  I’m starting with a new therapist tomorrow.  She requires one ‘person to person’ visit and the rest of the sessions will be done through Telehealth.  Otherwise, I would’ve had to wait awhile before getting in.

 

3 hours ago, ThrowAwayName said:

As I said, I've been doing this for decades and have never been caught.  I think that makes me a pretty good liar and manipulator. 

You are like many here...including myself.  Many of us lived our lives and had to lie by omission as a protective measure.  It wasn’t done with any ill intent or malice.  You should not feel bad about hiding a part of yourselves that many would not have been supportive in your youth.

One other thing...after sharing my secret, I found that I did not hide my secret as well as I thought. A few people that I thought had no idea, had found out but said nothing to me all those years. 
 

Susan R?

[Lexi C]

Dito What Susan said about the secret....You always the last to find out.

[Maid In Bedlam]

14 hours ago, ThrowAwayName said:

Trans or crossdresser?

 

No one really asked this question. To me your original post was fundermentally without direction.

 

To make it clearer could you define your interpretation of Trans or transvestite?

 

What do you think they mean?

 

Before any answer be given in reality the question has to be understood.

[ThrowAwayName]

Well I made a first step and told my therapist.  I've never told a person I actually know before.  She's just a general therapist, but it's a start.

[ThrowAwayName]

On 3/27/2020 at 4:17 AM, Maid In Bedlam said:

 

No one really asked this question. To me your original post was fundermentally without direction.

 

To make it clearer could you define your interpretation of Trans or transvestite?

 

What do you think they mean?

 

Before any answer be given in reality the question has to be understood.

I meant trans as in transgender.

[Maid In Bedlam]

On 3/26/2020 at 6:32 PM, ThrowAwayName said:

 

I also realize that, by posting this, I'm kind of sort of asking for information that would be better handed out by a therapist.  I'm not there yet.  I need additional validation before I can sit down and talk about this with another human

 

 

7 hours ago, ThrowAwayName said:

I meant trans as in transgender.

 

 

Before a, As you call it validation what is your own idea of being transgender is?

 

 

This may sound like a rather starange question. But peoples throughts on what they are actually defining themselves can be very diffrent.

 

An example of this would be.

 

transsexual;

 

Quote

A transsexual is a person who has decided that they want to live as a person of the opposite sex, and so has changed their name and appearance in order to do this. Transsexuals sometimes have an operation to change their sex.

 

This definition I dont actually agree with in parts but for the purposes of answeing your question is sufficent.

 

Trangender:

 

Quote

noting or relating to a person who does not conform to societal gender norms or roles.

 

 

Almost the same you would think at first glance. But in reality Two very diffrent conditions.

 

You also use the word transvestite. Which again is a very diffrent and can be classed as  outdated  in some quarters.

 

Which would relate to if you;

 

Quote

A transvestite is someone who enjoys wearing clothes normally worn by people of the opposite sex.

 

 

As i will reiterate. Before an answer you have to understand the question.

 

Just saying could i be, is just the starting point.  Logic will dictate what you could or could not be  by a process of elimination.

 

Dont even get me started on Gender fluid, Gender queer, Non Binary. The list goes on.

 

 

On 3/26/2020 at 6:32 PM, ThrowAwayName said:

I do intend on changing things depending on the responses I get here.  If I'm a transvestite I will probably just keep doing it in secret or maybe try to stop for the right girl.

 

Do you have a compelling feeling you was not assigned the right gender at birth or do you just get a feeling of sexual euphoria when dress in clothes of the oposite sex? And pardon the frankness of that questiion but if your just a transvestite then that would be a good indicator or starting point..

 

However if ihave made you think Now have i felt theres something wrong my whole life and I feel that i have been a, (And i hate to use this term) A Woman trapped in a mans body. Then i would say there is something deeper going on.

 

Remember a Man doesnt become a woman. A woman just makes herself more womanly. Ie, Transsexual.

[ThrowAwayName]

Well step 2 was taken

 

I told my dad and my sister.  They were both very supportive.  Not crazy supportive... They need some time to digest, but they're on my side.

 

I have a call with a gender therapist tomorrow.

[KathyLauren]

Congratulations!  Telling family is one of the hardest steps to take, and you've done it!  "On your side" is a very good start.

 

Good luck talking to the gender therapist tomorrow.

 

Kathy

[Zeda]

1 hour ago, ThrowAwayName said:

Well step 2 was taken

 

I told my dad and my sister.  They were both very supportive.  Not crazy supportive... They need some time to digest, but they're on my side.

 

I have a call with a gender therapist tomorrow.

Well, h*ck, it seems like you are on the right path; congrats! :0

[ThrowAwayName]

I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but what's it like when you first go out in public dressed up?

 

I'm actually not that worried about getting attacked.  I'm very well versed the fighting arts ... Violence is something I understand.

 

Sneers, jeers and disapproving looks would almost certainly get to me.