Am I being “too much”?

[ShawnaLeigh]

I just had a fairly hurtful conversation with my wife.  I won’t go into my usual detail but suffice to say she tells me I am just being to much for everyone right now.  That no one wants to hear all these nice things about me or my positive experiences I am having lately.  This was said with no kind words nor a loving touch by no means.  In short just shut up about being transgender and enjoying it.  

I didn’t say much nor even defend myself.  She might be right after all.  Crappy way to tell me but I’m use to her form of “tough love”.  

So feeling a bit down about this I text my sister to ask her.  
She agreed with my wife and told me they had just been talking about this the other day together.  At least she was much more gentle about how she said it.  She understands that this is all new and exciting for me but everyone does not need to know everything every day.  
 
So now I’m concerned that I have put off my friends here too.  
If so please accept my sincere apologies.  I do tend to get over enthusiastic and carried away over some things.  I always have when I get excited over anything.  
Experiencing all this positive in a world I expected nothing but negative In is a huge relief but can be overwhelming to say the least.

Being who I’ve always wanted to be is a dream come true. Some never achieve it or still struggle to get there.  I feel I’ve broken passed that barrier and though I have no idea what to expect each day I am enjoying it all. 
I get what they were saying though and I’ve decided to just not tell some folks anything or keep it tapered way back.  
Again sorry if I put you off.  

[Lexi C]

F that..If they can't coupe that's on then. I swear Cis women sometimes. Girl your LIVING YOUR DREAM...as Lizzo would say. "It ain't my fault that I'm out here gettin lose. Gotta blame it on the Goose, Gotta Blame it on my juice ."  You go and BE Proud and KICK ASS...I am here for you if you want to speak. I can't speak for everyone else, but this place is not build on hate, its build on people like you who are willing to share the good and bad. PEACE

[ShawnaLeigh]

32 minutes ago, Alex C said:

F that..If they can't coupe that's on then. I swear Cis women sometimes. Girl your LIVING YOUR DREAM...as Lizzo would say. "It ain't my fault that I'm out here gettin lose. Gotta blame it on the Goose, Gotta Blame it on my juice ."  You go and BE Proud and KICK ASS...I am here for you if you want to speak. I can't speak for everyone else, but this place is not build on hate, its build on people like you who are willing to share the good and bad. PEACE

?Thank you.  It’s good to know I’m not pushing everyone away. 

[Susan R]

7 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

That no one wants to hear all these nice things about me or my positive experiences I am having lately.

ShawnLeigh, I can empathize with how you may be feeling right now.  My children did the same thing to me.  After I first came out, I decided to send weekly, sometimes biweekly updates about my milestones and changes.  Some of the updates were very short and some were several paragraphs in length. Through the grapevine (ok, my wife), I found out that my oldest daughter wanted to know why I was sending her these updates?  Well, that was all I needed to hear.  I immediately stopped those updates and now I never bring up the topic...of course, I rarely see them so it’s quite easy now.  The only place I talk about trans related topics these days are on trans forums, trans support groups, my PCP, my therapists, and my wife, and rarely but sometimes a friend or two will ask something trans related.

7 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

So now I’m concerned that I have put off my friends here too.  
If so please accept my sincere apologies.

Don’t be worried about this at all.  You never need to apologize for posting.  Personally, I enjoy reading your posts and always look forward to reading your next one.  People like yourself are what make this whole forum thing run like a well oiled machine.  Keep the topics coming girl!

 

Susan R?

[Emily michelle]

I think you have every right to share your experiences. Just my opinion I could be wrong I’m sorry if I am, but your wife sounds jealous. All of this is new to you and exciting and there is nothing wrong with it. I love hearing your stories it gives me hope one day I could share similar stories. So continue to share I love hearing them

 

hugs Emily 

[Lexi C]

nana happy to list to all that r taken a risk and making a change. Hugs

 

[DeeDee]

Shawna, even if it is too much for others rest assured you can share your milestones here. They cannot understand what they mean to you, or why certain things they have done their whole lives are a big deal for you to experience. They simply do not share your frame of reference.  A kid trying chocolate for the first time has a much bigger reaction than the adult who has eaten thousands of cocolate bars. Neither is wrong for reacting the way they do. ?

[ShawnaLeigh]

37 minutes ago, DeeDee said:

Shawna, even if it is too much for others rest assured you can share your milestones here. They cannot understand what they mean to you, or why certain things they have done their whole lives are a big deal for you to experience. They simply do not share your frame of reference.  A kid trying chocolate for the first time has a much bigger reaction than the adult who has eaten thousands of cocolate bars. Neither is wrong for reacting the way they do. ?

Wow. This is so wise.  Thank you.  I suppose I did not look at it from that perspective.  
 

[ShawnaLeigh]

Thank you all.  I was told by my therapist to definitely post all the positives that I can as so many trans folks struggle and live life with a lot of negatives.  He said reading my successes and triumphs are encouraging to other trans folks who sometimes question if it is all worth it. Is there a positive to all this.  I was one of these folks at one time.  

I just know I can be a bit self promoting and I do have a healthy ego so I have always tried to not go to overboard about how much I love me.  Lol

I was really worried I had said to much or came off as bragging.  I don’t want it to sound like that at all. 
So yea I’m just excited about my life now that I’m full time.  

 

[JustineM]

@ShawnaLeigh personally I love reading about your experiences. It’s always great to hear the positive, especially with all the negative in the world today. You’ve got the right to be proud and happy. Live your life! And to steal @Alex C line keep on kicking ass.

[Patti Anne]

No! It's nice to hear positive stories like yours. It's a good example of putting a positive face on the trans community. 

[KymmieL]

Shawna, my sister. DeeDee is correct, You are having experiences that cis females take for granted. Most just blow it off. For most transgender people it is a new and fascinating thing happening.  

I enjoy reading about new experiences that we have. It gives me a perspective on what may happen and how one handles it.

 

Kymmie

[TommieAnne]

ShawnaLeigh you are not "too much" here for me.

I appreciate you sharing, as I trail along behind making my slowly along a similar path.

I can understand how those who have been used to your old male self might say it is "too much" but I think that is reflection of them trying hold onto the old you. Still, it indicates they are trying, so it's a sign there's hope you can pull them forward into your new life.

All I can say is you are one hell of a juggler to manage all this.

TA

[Jackie C.]

Not at all! I enjoy hearing about your triumphs, even if I do get a little jealous (your therapist, for example, is a treasure). By all means keep us in the loop. Success stories like yours can help people who maybe aren't so lucky through the hard times. Besides, we're all in this thing together. We need to support one another.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I appreciate this girls.  I really do.  
I sincerely felt the positive winds just ripped from my sails when she told me that and then my sister, who has been my biggest and first supporter, confirmed her thoughts.  
I am so very glad to be apart of this community and on this forum in particular.  
it truly is a magical place of love and support.  
 

[Emily michelle]

Before I joined this forum It seemed like I was the only one with gender identity issues. To find this place and be able to hear everyone’s stories good or bad made me realize there is hope for me and the countless others in this community. Please continue with your stories they are great.

[Patti Anne]

Good morning Shawna. If you want my 2 cents worth, I think that any trans people, with some exceptions, are living around people, especially wives, who, while being outwardly supportive probably harbor some resentment about the transition. To them, their husband has died and now they have to deal with a divorce if they can't adjust to the new status quo.  I guess when one person makes a life change of the magnitude that we have, theres bound to be some fallout. And when you're talking to a cis person, a lot of the time what we might be talking about, well, they just don't relate. but there's a time and a place to share our little victories and milestones.

 

Once several years ago, I worked in an operating room with a nurse who was M2F transgender. I was her friend before (and after) she transitioned. One day she was prepping a patient for surgery. Amid the usual O.R. banter, she was going on about her plans for the weekend, what dress to wear and some other details that were TMI. But who cares? Then the patient's BP tanked and we nearly lost him. That's when we had to redirect our focus.

 

But Shawna, I totally understand your hurt. For me, the only people who has the capacity to hurt me are those to whom I've given my heart to. And there's only one person I've done that to. My ex wife, and while I'll never do that again is beside the point. But I think your wife has the  same capacity with you. So I guess that the bottom line is be careful what you say to her.

 

In hindsight, it's probably a good thing that you didn't tell her about what happened at the car repair shop. 

[MetaLicious]

Shawna, you may count me among those who do not think you are being "too much" at all.  I think the other women here are correct - this is all new and exciting to you, and it is A Big Deal, but the cis-women in your life have no basis for understanding.  My own wife, as supportive as she is, just doesn't understand why I become ecstatic when others call me "ma'am" or "lady".  This is something she just takes for granted, and doesn't see why I should even care what a stranger thinks of me.  It is a part of the aspect of cis-womanhood that I call "being effortlessly female" - no matter what struggles a woman might face, being seen as female is not likely to be a problem for them.  Even when not being seen as "feminine enough," they are stll being seen as female  without having to put any effort into it.

 

So, please, Shawna, do not stop sharing your experiences here.  We want - even need - to hear of your struggles, your failures, and (especially) your triumphs.

[ShawnaLeigh]

So I had a talk with my wife about “being to much”. I started out saying I understand 

that things that are huge or exciting for me are no big deal to a lot of ciswomen. I also admitted I realize i can get over enthusiastic about these things. But to kick the ladder out from under me was uncalled for and not somethings spouses or friends do to each other.  
I told her I literally ask you all of this and that I’m told I am not being to much or expecting to much from those I love or consider my friends. That having someone to tell these things about are apart of my growth and encouragement on being myself. She fully understood and was sorry for hurting me like she did.  
Now that being said she is my wife and although she claims it’s not bothering her anymore I can only imagine it does on some level.  She may not really like to hear how awesome this is for me at times when for her it’s the end of her marriage.  She may not see it as a good thing like I do.  It was her choice to end it right from the day I came out to her. It hurt so very much but I did understand her feelings.   But at this point if she were to change her mind and want to stay married I doubt I could now.  To much has happened and changed between us on top of the previous issues we never could resolve.  
So telling her of my triumphs and positives may not be what she wants to hear but as my friend she should at least be happy for me.  If not, she can say nothing like she used to doing.    
Yes I was defensive and a bit irritated while saying all these things. 
But I concluded with telling her I will meter my enthusiasm around her and just keep things simple between us.  
I did apologize for being harsh as it’s truly not my nature to be spiteful or mean but she hurt me and she had to know it and know why.  

[Emily michelle]

I’m glad you were able to tell her your feelings on this matter. She needs to know how that made you feel, and that your thoughts  feelings have just as much meaning as hers. I hope someday she will see how happy you are now and appreciate that you are better off as Shawna. 

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Emily michelle said:

I’m glad you were able to tell her your feelings on this matter. She needs to know how that made you feel, and that your thoughts  feelings have just as much meaning as hers. I hope someday she will see how happy you are now and appreciate that you are better off as Shawna. 

I truly think she knows this and  has said a lot of things over the last few months to confirm this.  She cares for me and about me, she just can’t be in a lesbian relationship.  Friends yes but not spouses.  I’ve accepted this.  Though I’m still trying g to move on from it but it’s hard for me. 
She is a very alpha dominant personality and perhaps it’s why I was attracted to her all this time.  She is strong and confident and very emotionally stable.  A bit to much for my tastes.  
So it’s not like she is being mean to me or doing and saying things to hurt me on purpose but she still doesn’t realize I’m not the man she thought I was and my feelings are hurt much easier then she ever knew.  Especially now with us in the dying marriage that I did not want to end in the first place.  Though now I know it’s the right thing.  It’s still difficult for me.  Not so much for her.    

[Emily michelle]

My wife and I have had some similar issues. I used to be able to hide all of my emotions and now that I can’t it has been an major adjustment for her and sometimes she says things that weren’t meant to be hurtful but they are to me. Thankfully she has noticed what bothers me and tries to comfort me. She has also told me that she can stay married to me, but she has said she could never be intimate with me anymore so that scares me a bit. I wish there was something better I could say but I have not been in the position you are with your wife. I wish you the best of luck and your an amazing woman anyone would be lucky to have you as a partner.

[Patti Anne]

I'm sorry you're going through this Shawna. No matter what the circumstances, it hurts and theres no way around that.

 

I'm sorry if my comment this morning was overly analytical and less feeling oriented. It's been bothering me all day. I didn't get much sleep last night and if memory serves me correctly, I wrote that about 3 am my time. I have some big things going on right now which are making me unable to sleep. Or function clearly.  Nothing worse than lack of sleep.

 

But no. You're not too much. You're just someone who enjoys the small victories and milestones. We could all be a little more like that.

[Jani]

Patti I don't think your reply was over analytical, just honest.  Sorry to hear about not being able to sleep.  I know the feeling well.  Take care and find some time to rest.

 

Jani

[ShawnaLeigh]

12 hours ago, Patti Anne said:

I'm sorry if my comment this morning was overly analytical and less feeling oriented. It's been bothering me all day.

Oh no hon I did not take it wrong at all.  I actually respond well to tough love and sometime you just need to be told the bare bones truth by a person to finally get it.  Goddess only knows there are many here that need some tough love. 

Though what you said was nothing like that.

We are good!