You'll never satisfy a woman.

[Denisenj]

My wife was very mean to me and the last month's while I was there she stated to me you will never satisfy a woman. Granted I had an ED problem due to type 2 diabetes and I'm rather on the smaller side anyway. I still want to go through with HRT and after today's phone meeting with the behavioral health counselor he said he didn't see any red flags.Tuesday he wants to ask me a few more questions and he says he's going to recommend to my provider to start me out on HRT because my blood work came back good. Yes, do I like the female image and am I attracted to females yes. I have never been attracted to the male image.  I feel  I'm going to get the top surgery someday but what's the sense of getting the bottom surgery if I'm not going to use it for sex. I don't have to really tuck now, and  in a tight pair of panties little Dennis hides...I could wear leggings without showing any bulge. Can I be attracted to a trans woman whose doesn't get bottom surgery.  Yes ...

The truth is I will make a woman a good wife someday either Cis or transgender. I'm just used to being the submissive one and care giver . I'm just wondering will my feelings change after being on HRT for year or 2.. I was always unsure and had low self-esteem around women. In the beginning I did satisfy my wife but after years of abuse I lost my love for her and my sex drive plummeted from the constant belittling and degrading of me. I was always afraid of rejection. I don't know where I'm headed in my life but starting on HRT will make me feel complete. I hope I didn't get to explicit here I'm just stating how I feel.

[BrandiBri]

1 hour ago, Denisenj said:

I'm just wondering will my feelings change after being on HRT for year or 2..

I haven't had this happen, but I have heard of that happening.

 

As far as being explicit, in my opinion, I don't think that you were being to explicit. It's good to express you feelings, even if it's just to get them off your chest. btw, you are a very beautiful woman! I can only hope to look half as good.

[Maddee]

Denise I am glad you are not living in the abusive hurtful situation right now.  You can always go back, or find a new one.  Please beware. 

 

You are not sharing too much info for me.  I can relate since I was in heavy meds for years that I believe impacted my T levels and therefore my drive.  My T was 17 before starting HRT without a blocker.  It's actually one of my favorite things about being me!!   But time and time again in the past I failed to maintain a relationship because, unless I was killing myself with effort to try and satisfy them, they said they had no purpose for me in their lives and that I had no value. 

 

No value as a human being.  Even if I was caring or helped out other ways in their lives.   Because of how I was born, or if due to meds that I was originally forced on.  Worst part is that they, and their support networks, actually believe this about the value of men.  Unless the men have money they can share.  To many women apparently it's ok to treat others this way, all the while considering themselves oppressed. 

 

Some people may bristle reading when I post my feelings and experiences.  I'm sorry to cause any pain, but I'm not sorry for communicating experiences that I believe are every bit as valid as yours, theirs, and anyone else's.

 

Hopefully better things in store for you!!!

New life.  In a future beyond the current pandemic.  For me too.  I'm visualizing goodness now.

[Denisenj]

Thank you for your positive and encouraging response. I know it's going to be hard for me as I progress forward but I know I'm a good, caring , and empathetic person. Like you I hope good will find me someday.

[ShawnaLeigh]

Ok here goes.  A lot of what you said I lived.  Same same same. My marriage was very unaffectionate and very little intimacy. Not a stressful or fighting all the time thing just really really unloving environment. Although she never berated me about the sex she never said or did anything either.  Being ignored constantly was hell.  
im am secretly thankful she claims to not be attracted to women nor will she stay married to me as a women.  

I too am very attracted to women but now I have zero ability to use my male parts for sex.  I mean at all.  Believe me dear there are other ways to please a women.  Which I will not go into but it was my main means to please my wife when we did do stuff.  I could never ever bring her to an O in the traditional way.   I myself could never last long enough for that process to amount to anything.   Again she said nothing.  Ignored me seconds afterwards.  However doing things in “other ways” she was extremely satisfied though it was not easy to tell by how she acted afterwards.  
 

I can tell you that my attractions are changing the longer I am on HRT.  Even a few months ago I would not even consider a man in that way.  Only women.  Now I still prefer women but men are definitely on my radar now and it’s very exciting for me as they are paying a lot of attention to me now.  
So we will see.  
My marriage is over but I am remaining friends with my spouse now roommate.  One day soon I hope to be able to support myself and move on.  
I look forward to future relationships with either gender or a transgender.  My playing field just tripled!   Lol

[MetaLicious]

@Denisenj, please let me assure of this: your wife cannot speak for all women, only for herself, and for her to make such a claim can only serve one purpose - to inflict hurt. As Shawna said, there are (ahem!) other ways. Please don't let one person's nasty, vindictive, and spiteful proclamation get to you.

 

Honestly, you sound like you have the right attitude, and that attitude will serve you well.  You will make some woman happy.  You will make a great wife. Just keep on believing in your own true self!

[ShawnaLeigh]

47 minutes ago, Suzanne1 said:

You know, I was always dubious about whether a transitioning TG's sexual preferences/attractions truly change.  I always subscribed the Kinsey-Pomeroy Continuum, and thought that the reports of changing attractions during/after transition were that transition freed up latent "same-sex" attractions, attractions that had for a variety of reasons had, heretofore, been suppressed/repressed.

I can assure you my entire life I’ve only held attraction towards women.  It was one of the most confusing thing to me at an early age that I felt so female living in a male body and being so attracted to women.  I just thought I had some weird fetish of something.  I did not understand nor know anything g about LGBT back then.  I was just weird so hide it and live life with the cards I was dealt.  Even after coming out I had zero interest in men.  Gross.  
Today I get all weak in the knees when one pays attention to me. So I’m not sure but it definitely seems like a change in preference or at least an expanded gender pool to play in.  Jmo

[Denisenj]

Thank you for your positive and encouraging response. I know it's going to be hard for me as I progress forward but I know I'm a good, caring , and empathetic person. Like you I hope good will find me someday.  Shawna. How long have you been on hormones ???

[ShawnaLeigh]

3 hours ago, Denisenj said:

Shawna. How long have you been on hormones ???

Truthfully I had self medicated hrt on and off for a coupe years. More off then on due to overseas suppliers are so expensive.  
ive been on doctors supervised hrt since late November.   

[TommieAnne]

ShawnaLeigh, since reading your post and following along, I've been showing on my lips over some of what was said to you. It really pushes my buttons. In a couple of past relationships with women I've been told I'm too small and that I will never satisfy a woman. But since I was trying very very hard to do the things a man is supposed to do, I just kept at it, got my heart broken a number of times.

I feel for you. That is tough stuff to hear, especially from someone you love and trust.

In the end, we have to be true to ourselves, our feelings and our attractions.

So even though it is painful to read, I got quite a snicker out of you mentioning getting flustered when men pay attention to you. Because that same thing happens to me. All it takes is for a guy to show some interest in me and I get all melty inside.

《《《 hugs 》》》

TA

[TommieAnne]

Chewing my lips. Biting my lips. Not showing. Nuts.

I hate autocorrect.

TA

[Emily michelle]

My wife has never told me I could never satisfy a woman, but we haven’t had a sex life in a few years. I have had Ed along with some other issues. Now that I realized who I actually am that doesn’t matter to me anymore. Denise you will make a wonderful woman.

[Patti Anne]

This really seems to be a recurring theme in many of the marriages, trans or not. I hate to be jaded, but my experience has been that if you don't have anything to offer i.e., money etc, women do not have much interest. My second wife cleaned me out financially. I mean, took me for every penny, left me in chapter 13 bankruptcy, in debt to the IRS.... it was bad. She was in it for money from the get go. And ironically, both wives said at different times that the descriptives they'd use to describe me were 'kind empathetic and selfless'. But the 3rd divorce took my heart with her. And of all the losses, that was the worst. 

[Denisenj]

2 hours ago, Emily michelle said:

My wife has never told me I could never satisfy a woman, but we haven’t had a sex life in a few years. I have had Ed along with some other issues. Now that I realized who I actually am that doesn’t matter to me anymore. Denise you will make a wonderful woman. I hope you are right I want to make a wonderful woman I tried to be good at everything but I think being a woman will come easy for me cuz deep down inside I feel I am one thank you for the support I need it right now

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Patti Anne said:

This really seems to be a recurring theme in many of the marriages, trans or not. I hate to be jaded, but my experience has been that if you don't have anything to offer i.e., money etc, women do not have much interest. My second wife cleaned me out financially. I mean, took me for every penny, left me in chapter 13 bankruptcy, in debt to the IRS.... it was bad. She was in it for money from the get go. And ironically, both wives said at different times that the descriptives they'd use to describe me were 'kind empathetic and selfless'. But the 3rd divorce took my heart with her. And of all the losses, that was the worst. 

Patty I certainly feel for you.  Been there done that and I have the scars to prove it.  I was never ruined by chapter 13 or IRS (Ouch) but I did end up with 30+ of very high child support payments  the that basically removed any retirement savings I could of collected. On top of putting me in a ramen noodle category.  

[Patti Anne]

Funny you mention that. My daughter had me buy a case of Ramen a year or 2 ago. I've been eating a lot of it.

[Denisenj]

You know what ,I'm not going to worry anymore about satisfying a woman. I'm going to worry about satisfying Denise I can't wait for the nail salons to open back up. I need a mani and pedi

[Emily michelle]

37 minutes ago, Denisenj said:

You know what ,I'm not going to worry anymore about satisfying a woman. I'm going to worry about satisfying Denise I can't wait for the nail salons to open back up. I need a mani and pedi

That looks like a blast. I would love to get a mani/pedi I’ve never had one.

[Denisenj]

O m g. Between the massage chair and finding a good girl to massages your legs your feet your toes, the hot stones and the warm towels CIS girls take it for granted. You need to experience that Emily being pampered is the best.

[BrandiBri]

I agree, being pampered is fantastic! When this pandemic is over you really need to have your nails done.

[Susan R]

57 minutes ago, BrandiBri said:

I agree, being pampered is fantastic! When this pandemic is over you really need to have your nails done.

I’m coming up on my “first of the month“ nail salon visit.  But that ain’t happening this month and I’ll be going back to painting them myself until this pandemic ends.  Although, if I make a nice dinner and surprise my wife maybe I can get her to do them for me.? I’m right handed so painting the nails on my right hand take twice as long as my left. 
 

I went 56 years without needing a nail salon. Now I can’t live a single month without one. It’s funny how things can change so suddenly!

 

Susan R?

[michelle_kitten]

7 hours ago, Patti Anne said:

This really seems to be a recurring theme in many of the marriages, trans or not. I hate to be jaded, but my experience has been that if you don't have anything to offer i.e., money etc, women do not have much interest. My second wife cleaned me out financially. I mean, took me for every penny, left me in chapter 13 bankruptcy, in debt to the IRS.... it was bad. She was in it for money from the get go. And ironically, both wives said at different times that the descriptives they'd use to describe me were 'kind empathetic and selfless'. But the 3rd divorce took my heart with her. And of all the losses, that was the worst. 

Much of what you all describe sounds like you were married to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  NPDs are often attracted to kind and empathic people, because Narcissists find them easier to manipulate.  Narcissists seek people they can depend on for money, sex, and attention.  If they can't get it all from one, they get it from as many as they need to.  The selfless person is someone they are attracted to because they often don't have to bother to ask for the things they want, they are just given them.

 

On 3/27/2020 at 9:01 PM, Denisenj said:

My wife was very mean to me and the last month's while I was there she stated to me you will never satisfy a woman.

My first impression of this line was, "Wow! that was cold and cruel."  I don't know anything more about your wife than what you stated in your post, but bells went off in my head when I read that line.  Again, the behavior said narcissist.  Of course, I can't tell for sure, but that is a tactic used by narcissists to keep you available to them.  They make you feel you're lucky to have them and no one else would want you, so you stay.

 

Before I say anything else, I am so sorry for all of you who have been abused by spouses.  It breaks my heart to see this.  I totally get it.  I was married to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, and who was quite abusive.

 

Of course, I am no psychologist.  I know what I know because I was raised by a narcissist, and had to learn a lot to get past the abuse.  It might be wise to bring up the possibility with your therapists, as dealing with a narcissist is a whole different thing than just dealing with someone who is obnoxious and abusive.  There are patterns of behavior a therapist can look for in your relationship partner.

 

Estimates are 1 in 20 people have NPD.  There are three distinct types of narcissists, and not all of them are overt.  There are covert narcissists who don't seem to be narcissists until you know what to look for.  Don't dismiss someone as "they couldn't be a narcissist" too quickly.

 

Food for thought.

 

[Denisenj]

Michelle some of the comments you made ring so true. I used to love my wife but after years of abuse and meaning me make me feel like I was worthless threatening the out me to people cuz I'd like to cross-dress I couldn't take it anymore. I started outting  myself to take the power away from her. Yes I gave , even when she put me down and made me feel like dirt I'd run down and pick her up a Greek salad because she was hungry. I am grateful I found this site it helps me relieve tension..

[michelle_kitten]

7 hours ago, Denisenj said:

Michelle some of the comments you made ring so true. I used to love my wife but after years of abuse and meaning me make me feel like I was worthless threatening the out me to people cuz I'd like to cross-dress I couldn't take it anymore. I started outting  myself to take the power away from her. Yes I gave , even when she put me down and made me feel like dirt I'd run down and pick her up a Greek salad because she was hungry. I am grateful I found this site it helps me relieve tension..

I know that pain.  You are not worthless.  You are not always wrong.  If you're dealing with a narcissist, they project themselves on you and accuse you of the things they are.  So much of what my mother told me was wrong with me, or that I did was wrong wasn't true.  I have a feeling, even if you're not dealing with a narcissist, you're not nearly as bad as you've been told.  Imperfect? Yes.  We all are.  Bad, worthless, undesirable, incompetent, crazy?  No.

 

I had to remind myself, that a stopped clock is right twice a day.  No human being could be wrong as much as I was portrayed.  Even if by accident, I should be able to get something right.

 

You really need to bring these things up with your therapist.  Even if he/she is not specialized in abuse survival, then he/she should be able to recommend someone who is.  Don't try to do this alone. 

 

Think about how strong you are to have survived that.  Never think of yourself as a victim, but as a survivor.  You've survived years of abuse.  You're stronger than you think.  You've used your mind to navigate a landscape no human being should ever have to travel.  You are more intelligent than you think.  You have survived without physically destroying your tormentor.  You are kinder and gentler than you imagine.