I Fell Apart

[MetaLicious]

This quarantine has been... unkind to me.  My wife is struggling to write her PhD thesis while trying to get an important paper published in a prestigious science journal.  I'm a stay-at-home parent with a workload that suddenly doubled with the school closing, so now I am caring for an ADHD 8-year old in addition to my infant.  Also, I've just began transitioning (I assume that needs no elaboration here).

 

I knew it would be a long process, but suddenly everything was put on hold.  I have been anxious to begin HRT, but this is so not the right time...  The stress of everyone being in tight quarters was bad enough, but those few excursions out only made things worse. Particularly my dysphoria. I tried not to look at every ciswoman I encountered, but that urge to analyze and compare is just too strong.  All the ways I come up short of my self-image began to consume my thoughts and energy.

 

My wife was noting that I had not exactly been holding my own weight in the parenting department, and the dam broke.  I started crying uncontrollably. At first, all I could do was choke out, "I'm hurting!" Eventually, I calmed down enough that we could talk.  While I did not bring up HRT specifically, I did admit that "I want curves of my own." I also mentioned that my therapist had suggested I try breast forms.

 

The next morning, she was enjoying a badly needed theraputic soak in the tub.  Before she was done, she told me to look in our Amazon cart.  There were dresses, camis, tights, and a pair of B-cup breast forms.  Inexplicably, there was a 6-pack of mens' underwear.  I added a 6-pack of my own - black cotton boyshorts with 5% Spandex.

 

As time went on, I became nervous.  I had been wanting - no, craving - breasts, but I assumed they would be my own, and that they would grow gradually, allowing the people in my life grow accustomed to them.  How would I manage going from flat-chested to a B-cup overnight?  For the first time, I even began to wonder what the neighbors would think!  Also, I had been wearing womens' pants and feminine shoes, and had even taken to wearing headscarves, but dresses?  Now we're moving into "forbidden to males" territory!

 

What if I found myself too timid to wear these things?  What if my own sense of womanhood was not as strong as my fear? What if I had been deluding myself all this time, and that I couldn't live my life as a woman?  What if all I could handle was being a slightly effeminate man?  What if, what if, what if...

 

The day finally came, and my wife was eager to have me try on my new breasts.  I thought they looked huge on me, but I had never had breasts before, so I guess they were huge compared to what I was used to.  She assured me that they looked fine on my frame.  Then she had me try on different outfits, putting on a fashion show. She took pictures and sent them out to the family.  I had tried on many womens' tops before, but they all looked wrong on me.  Everything my wife had bought looked great.  I felt great.

 

I wore my new breasts for the rest of the day.  I was sad to take them off, but you are not supposed to sleep in them.

 

The next day, I was up before everyone else, and the first thing I did was put on my breasts.  I struggled with the bra strap, but eventually got it hooked.  I had a few shy excursions from the house, but mostly stayed indoors, as has become the pattern of late.

 

The following day, same thing, only I had an easier time with the bra   I chose to wear a dress, and since the weather was nice, I took my boys out for a walk.  Ran into my neighbors, and one asked why I was dressed like my wife.  "I'm trans!" "Oh.  New name?" "Misha." "Cool." It was a great day.

 

Today, even easier time with the bra.  Boldly leaving the house (for approved purposes, of course.  Head high.  I am full of pride.  I am me, and I love it.

 

Now I know.  Deep in my heart, this is who I am, and who I was meant to be.  I no longer just believe HRT is right for me.  I know it is. Those dreams I had where I became a woman and proudly went about by business are becoming my reality.  I don't think I have ever been happier.

[Patti Anne]

Hi MetaLicious.  I think that the quarantine has been a challenge for everyone. Especially with 2 children, one being very young. But I have to say that your wife's gesture with the Amazon shopping spree, was so incredably sweet. And it sounds like it did as intended.... picked your spirits up. 

 

The breasts, no matter how fast they grow, it's always too slow. I've been on hrt since 1/1/20 and mine are coming along nicely, but I had a head start, as I had gynecomastia to begin with. I finally figured 'why fight it'? LOL. In almost every reading I've done, it says that you can take whatever cup size your mom or sisters have, subtract one cup size and thats what you can expect with hormones. They were all D-cups which is fine, I can live with a C-cup. But I also do a few extra things to move the progress along. I take an herbal.  But I also drink Bust Tea, and use a breast enhancement cream daily.  The biggest thing I do is use a vacuum breast pump for about an hour a day. If you Google it, some sources will say It's very effective, some will say you're wasting your time. I feel like it definitely helps. And watch some good trans movies. If you haven'y seen Boy Meets Girl, I'd highly recommend it.

 

Well, hope you feel better. Have a good day.

Edited March 29, 2020 by Jani
removed name of known Herbal treatment

[ShawnaLeigh]

Misha. This sounds so familiar to.  Well the girly stuff not the quarantine stuff as I’m “essential”.  (Sigh)
Eatly on when I had my break down I question everything I Though and desired.  Oh so many times I j led back into my make shell and took a few breathes and tried to negotiate with my self on how being male isn’t so bad.  I even wrote out a pros x as Nd cons list.  All the time my female side cried and scratched at me to be set free.  This forum saved my life as it helped me understand so much and the biggest thing was I am not alone.  Not weird or broken.  
I still question something’s that I seem to have a hard time letting go of.  Male conditioning is a tough cookie the crack no less get rid of entirely.  But you can eventually.  I’m almost there. 
 

I can not say what it’s like to wear a dress yet nor forms.  I’ve been on hrt since late November but many on n off bouts of it prior.  I’m floating around a B cup now. (Maybe less as ones smaller then the other.  Ggrrrrr.)
I had to wear compression tank tops back when still presenting male so it’s nice to now wear bras that support “them”.

I struggled with the fears of presenting female as the time drew nearer and nearer.  I kept putting it off out of fear then had dysphoric bouts because I was still looking so male.  It was a vicious circle I could not free myself from.  
Then I forced my own hand and sent coming out letters with planned dates to both hospitals I work in.   I was so nervous that first day I basically hid in my office.  Lol

I am on cloud 9 now.  
Sometimes you just have to do it regardless of the risk or fears.  

Hard I know but if I can anyone can.  

 

[TommieAnne]

Misha, funny that I was wondering myself how everyone was doing "on hold" this morning. I'm sorry to hear that you're stressed, but proud of you for managing to nonchalantly go out and interact.

This having to wait is anxiety provoking, at least for me, since a major dysphoria producer for myself is my body hair, but I my laser hair removal provider is closed for the meantime due to the plague. And I'm all furry again darn it!

I'm feeling a strong urge to get the process moving. But also a bit of fear and anxiety over becoming more feminine. As it stands I already have very small breasts that are noticeable protruding if I wear tight fitting knits, so adding breast forms would really put me "out there." Which I have mixed feelings about.

I feel like the schoolgirl in class that is way behind her classmates in going through puberty. 《 sad face 》

TA

[BrandiBri]

3 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

 I’m floating around a B cup now. (Maybe less as ones smaller then the other.  Ggrrrrr.)

Shawna, when I asked my doctor to show me how to self examine my breasts she said that they are coming along well and that one is smaller which she said is normal. Just another sign that you are well on your way to womanhood.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Jani]

One breast being larger (the left one) is quite normal.  I'm glad you are getting the regular care we all need Brandi.

 

Jani 

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, BrandiBri said:

Shawna, when I asked my doctor to show me how to self examine my breasts she said that they are coming along well and that one is smaller which she said is normal. Just another sign that you are well on your way to womanhood.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

Yes I know.  Does make it want to grow and faster though.  LOL

Though happily they are both equally sore so growing still.

Its my left that is smaller @Jani so I am continuing to beak all the molds. 

[BrandiBri]

I guess that I too am "abnormal" as my left breast is the smaller one? It's not quite as firm as the right one either.

[MetaLicious]

It is nice to hear from others that fears like I was experiencing are not just me.  I am also reassured by all this talk of asymmetrical breasts, for while my forms are identical (almost as if they came from the same mold!), I find it difficult to place them in perfect symmetry.  I guess "abnormal" is normal...

[Patti Anne]

Asymetrical? Yikes! My right one is coming along just fine. But the left? Not so much. Over the past 10 years, I've had 2 surgeries (2 on the left, 1 on the right) for gynecomastia when I was overweight. I think that the target cells under the areola on the left were probably damaged. For one reason or another, it does't seem to be uncommon.