Mis-gendering yourself!

[ShawnaLeigh]

This is getting to be an issue for me.

99% of everyone that knows me has used the correct name and pronouns.  Without fail and I have been so grateful to all of them.

My wife still insists on calling me Shawn, he/him and most of all Dad with our four dogs and my daughter.

Now I suppose I can keep Dad as I am one to a few children and these dogs will not understand one way or the other. But they do know who Dad is.

 

But my wife just can not do it yet.  She has not even seen Shawn in a few months now as I have been full time in the house since January.  Its not like I look like Shawn and I do not dress male or anything.either when around.  She has even commented a few times that do look very female and do an excellent job with my makeup.  She has yet to call me pretty though.  LOL. 

I am Shawna full time everywhere now and still at home for sure.

 

Still she just keeps making the mistake.  Though she has yet to call me Shawna even once in casual conversation so can I even call it a mistake?  Not really, it seems more intentional.

NOW the problem is I have been referring to my self as he/him in the house while talking with her too.  

Something she is vey quick to point out.  Every time.

I plan to have a serious talk about this with her and basically ask her as nicely as I can once and for all to stop.  If she continues I will have to elevate this request was harsher tones.  (Maybe even pouting.  LOL jk)

In the end does it matter?  Yes to me it does.  A lot!

She does not get it or understands what it does to us the be called a dead name (I prefer birth name) for referred in the wrong gender.  She has fully admitted she will never fully understand about trans as she is not one.  But I hate to think she understands what it really does to me and still does it on purpose.

Is there an article I can send her so read or something? 

I am not getting threw to her.

[Jani]

34 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Still she just keeps making the mistake.

Its not a mistake.  This is what she choosing do.  Get used to it.  You have to see yourself as she as well.  You're still young at this (I misgendered myself for a while too) and it will sink in eventually.  

[Emily michelle]

She chooses to call you by your birth name. It’s too bad she is because she is missing out on a lot. I have not been on this journey nearly as long as you have and I know how bad it hurts me to be misgendered now and I can’t even pass. I could only imagine how bad it hurts and how discouraging it is. I would recommend sitting down and having a nice easy conversation with her and hopefully she may make an honest attempt to use the right pronouns.

[Jackie C.]

Don't underestimate the power of a good pout. Use it wisely.

 

Honestly it sounds like she's just being spiteful. She doesn't think she needs to change her behavior because that's what she's always called you and you were fine with it then. Of course she's also still referring to you by your... let's go with previous name... and pronouns with her friends, co-workers and family too, right? So there's no reinforcement in her head about, "This is not how you refer to Shawna," except when you complain. Then it's back to you being OK with being called "Shawn" last year, so what's the harm?

 

She should be making the effort. That she's not says a lot about her and it's not especially nice. For example, I just had a law firm... I think she's a paralegal... apologize all over herself because she had to use my deadname on a legal document. This person I just met... on the phone... is trying harder than your soon-to-be-ex wife. That's not OK.

 

Also the dogs don't care if you call yourself Azathoth the Immortal Squid Lord so long as you've got treats and head skritchies. Dogs very much live in the moment.

 

Hugs!

[Susan R]

8 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

If she continues I will have to elevate this request was harsher tones.  (Maybe even pouting.  LOL jk)

Sometimes humor is the best way to deal with frustration.  I have no articles specifically dealing with this issue but only my humble advice.  I would be sitting her down and seriously make the effort to reason with her.  Make an event of it away from kids, TV, music, etc..so she knows this is a big deal and something needs to change.  I think it would be important to keep all other issues out of the conversation and in a nice way explain to her why and how much this means to you.  You might ask her what you need to do to help make this happen...don’t expect a quick response.  Let her know how much this hurts when she calls you you’re birth name when you’re presenting as Shawna.  If that doesn’t work, there’s likely not going to be any resolution any time soon.  Communicating your needs in a polite, logical and calm manner usually works with reasonable individuals who are not vindictive or petty.  Let’s hope your wife is neither.

 

Susan R?

[ShawnaLeigh]

"Please stop calling me that."

I say this phrase a million times per week at home. 

I say it soft and with heartfelt compassion for her reasoning why she struggles with it.

I say it in anger when its over and over and over....

I say it when we are having a super fun time together.

I say it when she is mad at me and I have no idea why..

I think I have even said it to one of the dogs the other day.

I am so weary of saying it.

 

The thing that hurts is not hearing it.  Its that she is the one person in my whole world who I love, adore, trust and admire and she is the only person who still calls me this.

I don't even want to start on the wrong pronouns.

She has never adopted one of those cute pet names couple call each other.  No Honey, Hon or Babe.  Always just my first name. (birth name)

 

Hell every guy on the planet knows to call every single women he falls in love with the same pet name he always uses.  So as not to call your wife/GF/ SO the wrong name.  Mine name for all of them was "Hon".

Though I have called her my ex-wifes name a time or two and got hell for it.  Ussually during a fight or high stress and loud conversation.  (Yeah.  It didn't help me much.)  

She never made that mistake nor has changed calling me Shawn since we met in 2008.

She even tried to play it like, "Shawn is just a nick name for Shawna".  Yeah, Save it!  Its not.

 

I do plan to try and have another heart to heart with her over this.  In the times her and I are living and the situation we are in with respects to are failing marriage and ongoing living situation.  I certainly do not want to "start anything" but this is not about that.  Its about simple respect for someone you say you love and want to remain friends with.

 

 

 

[Traci Lynn]

Dear Shawna, its not always about spite. She has had to deal with losing her husband, the man she married and had children with. Mine still calls me Trace after 8 months, its frustrating yes. But its also in some ways hard for someone to let go of that other person they fell in love with. I dont know your full story though, mine never signed up for marrying a woman. Give her time and talk to her, time to mourn Shawns loss and get to know Shawna. Thats my approach with mine, right, wrong, it doesnt matter, she is the woman you fell in love with, we are the ones that changed, even if into our real selves.

Traci Lynn

[ShawnaLeigh]

2 hours ago, Traci Lynn said:

dont know your full story though, mine never signed up for marrying a woman. Give her time and talk to her, time to mourn Shawns loss and get to know Shawna.

Well it’s not an uncommon story but in some ways it is.  I’ve been confused by her two sided view on what “accepted” means.  On one hand she said from the very first minute that she would walk this path with me and support and accept me in every way but only as a friend.  She will not be in a lesbian marriage.  To her it would be regardless of the real deal.  I understand this and she has the right to feel this way. I can deal with that eventually. 
But then she will not tell her side of the family and has made every demand negotiation and set rules in place to prevent her family and coworkers from knowing.  
Fast forward and I’m now full time snd it’s all over Facebook now.  Everyone knows or if not they will however our home life has not changed even though the marriage is fading away and our divorce is pending.  We have separate  rooms but ever other aspect of our life together has not changed.  We are remaining roommates and friends going forward. 
Still just tonight she said it and I asked her a bit loudly to please not call me that.  She again tried to say Shawn is just a short version of Shawna. I told her to Save It I’m not buying it.  
Then she said she could call me -professor- instead.
Nice right.  

This is my struggle.  

 

[Traci Lynn]

My apologies, you are quite correct. Your way past that point. Mine said the same thing, she is not into a lesbian relationship. We are as well in a roommate type relationship, she wants to date but keep it outside our home. We have triplet 2 year olds, so she wants to remain married at least for the time being. In the behinning she said i am happy for you and support you in this. That is not really true, but I dont blame her. It would be nice to have her help me along the way, but thats not ever going to happen. Good luck

[Cheyenne skye]

I can totally sympathize with you. Of course it was my wanting to transition that precipitated my divorce . But what's worse is that nearly six years after my legal name change, every single member of my family refuses to call me the correct name or pronoun. Needless to say, I avoid interacting with my family as much as possible. 

As an example, my mother died this past December. The day we went to the funeral home to make the arrangements, my brother in law suggested we go for a drink later. I said sure,especially since he said he would pay. I was a little hungry so I ordered some wings too. I told my brother in law that I would pay for the wings. When the bartender brought the check, my brother in law tells him, "He"? will pay for the wings ? -what the heck-.