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Dating for a Trans person?


ShawnaLeigh

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OK disclaimer.  I am not.  I am also not looking here by no means.  I am not really ready nor able to at this time but it has been in back of my mind from the very beginning when I came out to my wife and was told, at that very moment, my marriage was over.

Soon afterwards I felt as if dating or falling in love was a long past memory and something I would never enjoy again.  I had serious doubts anyone would want to be with me or could possibly love me for who I really am and my self worth was at a all time low. (I admit I still feel this way in some small way.)

Since coming out and then going full time as my true self I am surprised to see that I am at least attractive to a few folks and of both genders.  All of which are Cis.  I do not know any trans people in my area.  This of course has thrown a bit of kindling on the dying embers of what I could call falling in love again one day.

 

Ok so my past history with dating is "colorful" and the results basically put me through four divorces, 5 children and a 30 year stint of crippling child support.

I'm past all that now thankfully but I have an issue about what the heck to do now when I am ready to date.

I don't really have a great dating/married resume sort to speak.  LOL

 

I met my current/soon to be ex wife on eHarmony and we were matched very closely.  Scary close really. I can not blame eHarmony for not getting it exactly right though since I was not being my true self.  

Does anyone else use online dating sites or have? 

I feel they do help "weed out" those potential bad apples one would meet in a bar or in public randomly.  Which I do not do anymore so my dating potential is probably no more then a 30 minute grocery store trip once every two weeks.  LOL

So I suppose my question is, are there safe, well managed, trans friendly sites that deal more with us or do you just throw your towel in the masses and hope for the best?

I know that brutally honest is the way to go on any site but I fear attracting the wrong element on the wrong site.

 

 

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If I were ever thrown back into the dating pool, I don't think I would ever use a dating service, online or otherwise. 

 

The only time I ever "successfully" dated (i.e. more came of it than just a movie or a dinner) was when I decided to get involved with group activities that involved doing things that resonated with my values.  Worst case, I would be doing something that I enjoyed doing.  Best case, I would meet someone with shared values.

 

It worked because I could get to know people without the pressure of dating.  We were all there for the activity, not for matchmaking.  And it worked because of the shared values.  There would always be something important that we had in common. 

 

In my case, it was a hiking club, where everyone shared a love of the outdoors and being in nature.

 

I know that doesn't directly answer your question, but I thought I'd give you an alternative.

 

Kathy

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Shawna. You could always go back to that garage? You remember the guy that was getting the courage to ask you on a date ?

 

Personally I met my man in an online game. Yes corny i know. Playing games at my age. But this was about 6 years ago so can i be excused?

 

 

If you have little else then i would say a dating site or even a dating agency. Its much better than just throwing yourself out there i think. As you have demostated in another thread theres some bell ends arounds. who just want to get down and dirty and thats all.

They are 2 to a penny.

 

But Im going to agree with Kathy a little. There is clubs etc that even if your not looking for anyone. Someone may come your way who you click with.

 

For goodness sake never use one of those apps that for some strange reason some women of our leaning go to.. More meat for the grinder as they say.

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49 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

The only time I ever "successfully" dated (i.e. more came of it than just a movie or a dinner) was when I decided to get involved with group activities that involved doing things that resonated with my values.  Worst case, I would be doing something that I enjoyed doing.  Best case, I would meet someone with shared values.

This is the method I only knew for many many years.  I am not so good at it apparently.  The thing is you may someone who enjoys a few of the same things but not on a level were you may wish to share a life together.  I am still a pro dating site fan as you kind of weed threw all the information and "getting to know each" phase well before you ever meet face to face.  My wife and I messaged a good few months before we ever met face to face for a planned 45 minute total date.  (in case it was not happening you weren't stuck more then that)

Our first date lasted 8+ hours and it did not include anything physical at all other then holding hands and a hug/peck kiss good bye..  Best date ever in my life.

 

42 minutes ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

Shawna. You could always go back to that garage? You remember the guy that was getting the courage to ask you on a date ?

 Oh believe me this incident has not left my memory at all.  LOL  But realistically I do not know this guy nor why he is so interested.  He may be a perfect gentleman or a scum bag looking to "try it out".  I'm getting to old and crotchety to play such games.

44 minutes ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

Personally I met my man in an online game. Yes corny i know. Playing games at my age. But this was about 6 years ago so can i be excused?

Honey I play on an Xbox One just last weekend and a Xbox 360 with my wife earlier this week.  Its not the only gaming platforms we have either.  Plus a sweet 80" HDTV with surround sound too.  Nothing wrong with those sorts of games.  Though now she understands why I always was a female character.  LOL 

 

47 minutes ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

For goodness sake never use one of those apps that for some strange reason some women of our leaning go to.. More meat for the grinder as they say.

This I am certainly NOT interested in.  I have never had a "hook up" or a one night stand EVER.  As a mater of fact I have disappointed a few by not making any moves when the opportunities were obvious.  I'm not a fast Playa!

 

In the end I feel comfortable with a paid online dating site who has extensive applications and questions even before submitting a profile.  I may go this route but good god I am scared to death at times to do this.

 

The last time I did an online site I met up with my ex wife doing the same thing.

Yea she lied about everything she likes and looks for in her profile.  LOL

She wrote what every guy would be looking for and nothing she said was the truth about herself. (which is what made me leave her-the lies)

I know to this day she is still lonely.

 

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I am no help in the world of dating. I never dated while in school. My one date was a total failure. While she didn't say so I can look back and see it. I took her to flipping burger king then talk at a local beach. romantic it wasn't.

 

With my wife it was easy I've known here since we were 6. After joining the service, I got back with her to have someone to write to while in basic. Then our romance was long distance. Only to go out when I was on leave. and most of that was after I popped the question.

 

Even now I still have no idea on dating. IF and when,  if ever I get to the point of being single again. I don't know if I will date. Plus with being a trans lesbian ( is that even something, LOL)  Who would date a weird creepy Harley riding, car loving transgender me. It almost makes me rethink why I am doing this.

Sorry if I wasn't any help.

 

Kymmie

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I have been wondering the same thing. Not about dating sites, I don't use those, guess I'm just old school like that. But about the willingness to date a trans person. 

 

I get a lot of compliments from cis women. I think it's just girl on girl compliments though. I have a couple flirty guy friends who are bi or gay. But then I wonder if they really see me as a woman, or just a crossdresser who having sex with with would be like having sex with a man... 

 

I had these concerns when I started transitioning and wondered if I would ever date again. But surprisingly I started dating a trans woman right after up to a few months ago. With her we didn't have those concerns, we both have that understanding we're women. I'm bi or pan, but I'm kinda drawn to other trans women particularly. I feel like there's a sense of comradery, we share a similar experience. 

 

Anyway, you're pretty cute, and that's just a compliment btw not a come-on. I'm sure you'll be able to find someone. 

 

~Toni

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1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

I am no help in the world of dating. I never dated while in school. My one date was a total failure. While she didn't say so I can look back and see it. I took her to flipping burger king then talk at a local beach. romantic it wasn't.

 

With my wife it was easy I've known here since we were 6. After joining the service, I got back with her to have someone to write to while in basic. Then our romance was long distance. Only to go out when I was on leave. and most of that was after I popped the question.

 

Even now I still have no idea on dating. IF and when,  if ever I get to the point of being single again. I don't know if I will date. Plus with being a trans lesbian ( is that even something, LOL)  Who would date a weird creepy Harley riding, car loving transgender me. It almost makes me rethink why I am doing this.

Sorry if I wasn't any help.

 

Kymmie

Yeah Zero help.  LOL

JK 

I thought like you too.  Who the heck will want me?!?!?   I can not boost no dating growing up like I read a lot of girls here say. Its made me feel less MTF really since I was so into grls my whole life and did not keep myself from dating.   I went the polar opposite then most and was a full blown ladies man but sadly it was all an act and for the illusion of being "straight".  I had some sort of super Casanova reputation even in high school for being some great lover.  I never once did anything like that or even close until I was 19 or so, well past high school.  I have no idea who or how that started but it reinforced my act as a guy with all my guy friends so Meh whatcha gonna do. 

I did develop strong emotions for a few women and married them but chose poorly as you have read in other posts.  

 

43 minutes ago, ToniTone said:

I get a lot of compliments from cis women. I think it's just girl on girl compliments though. I have a couple flirty guy friends

Yes I have had a lot of very nice and kind compliments from cis women and mainly older one.  I seriously do not get a "I'm interested in you" vibe from any of them. LOL

The men are confusing me really.  I too have a lot of male friends or acquaintances that knew me for a year before transitioning that are treating me WAY differently then before.  Again I am not getting a "I'm interested in you" vibe from then either but definitely without a doubt flirtatcous.  

I sadly do not know and transwomen but I share this with you too.  They of very interesting to me in this way but again don't know you within 100 miles of me.  

 

 

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Once the current crisis is over, you could try joining some clubs where you'll meet people with mutual interests and get to know them. Relationships that naturally  develop over time without pressure can be really successful. For me I've always been a bit wary of men who are on dating sites looking for trans people as it's often, but not always just a sex thing and they're not interested in the real relationship stuff. I've come across a number of guys over the years who are using trans women to try and make themselves feel better about their gay or bi tendencies. Luckily, I met a lovely guy when I wasn't expecting or looking for it and we are still together four years later so I'm making the most of it. He had to have a lot of patience with me. I can't comment on women as they're not my thing relationship wise but, I do know a couple of people who are happy in relationships with other trans people. I suppose that does make things easier in some ways. 

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33 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I did develop strong emotions for a few women and married them but chose poorly as you have read in other posts. 

 

 

can i just make an observation here Shawna if i may.

 

You said above. You have been through 4 divorces from women. Do you think deep down in your mind you had always just attempted to love women but in reality you was actually. Not gay but a hetrosexual female? As ive said in a previous thread somewhere. You brain gets rewired. Which many of us Including me are very familer with.

 

Quote

Taking female hormones changes what little male brain you were born with to a female brain.  it means that you will, in fact you will start thinking more like a woman. You will cry at commercials, you will ditch the porn collection you may have had.  Remember those stupid movies your then wife and girlfreind liked to watch endlessly? Pretty woman, Dirty dancing. Etc They will now captivate you. You will carry around tissues and have a stash in every room in the house because you will cry at the drop of a hat.

 

If your brain was more female than anything else to begin with which most Transsexuals are then it stands to reason you were actually not attracted to females but just contiued a charade as the average male. I sort of "I love you lets get married and have kids"

As this was the standard male persona?

 

Just a thought

Theres nothing wrong with being a hetrosexual female. I actually enjoy it myself. yes i have been where you are. I was married to a woman also. That didnt end well for me and its something i try very hard to forget. Did i ever really love her? or was it just the standard thing to do. Granted I got abused. Which im not going to ever make a issue of as it happened, i learned and moved on. But some of what went on does still haunt me to this day.  It would seem a transsexual normality. Im not saying its wrong to be a lesbian but what i am saying is not all Transsexual women are the same. Like anything else in life we are all unique in our outlooks and expectations. I like men. But did it just come naturally or was it always there?

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33 minutes ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

you said above. You have been through 4 divorces from women. Do you think deep down in your mind you had always just attempted to love women but in reality you was actually. Not gay but a hetrosexual female? As ive said in a previous thread somewhere. You brain gets rewired. Which many of us Including me are very familer with.

Yes I have pondered this very thought recently with what I am calling my new shift in attraction.  Was I ever really in love with these women?  Was it all part of an act I fell for myself?  I certainly was in love with the women I married and many more that I did not marry and felt totally crushed when each relationship crumbed apart.  I recall the unbelievable heart break being so powerful I did not know how anyone could live threw such pain.  But I did and continued the cycle over and over and over.  I know now it was due to my insecurities about being alone and powerful need to be loved.   I did not have that in childhood. 

Maybe deep down someplace in my mind I was truly hetrosexual female and I was always forcing myself to play the male role.  It certainty wound explain a lot to me about certain feelings and interests.  I can not say for sure but I know I felt true love for all of them and my attraction to women seems very strong still.  Being a transgender women who feels this way feels like I would be classed as a lesbian but honestly down deep I do feel like that either.

On the reverse I have never thought of men in this same way.  I only now see them as being attractive, and very recently since I have come out full time but my mind still can not wrap itself around the thought of being in a loving romantic relationship with them like I ad shared with past women.  I thought maybe my new feelings were just all about the very positive reactions I was getting from men but I see now its way more then that.  Right now it is simply an attraction but one I can not stop thinking about.  I found myself just today checking out a guys butt and it struck me as "OMG I am interested in men." Like I am still not sure but trying to talk myself into it.   I truly do find him attractive, funny, tall, V shaped and with a super nice smile and yes he is one that has been overly nice to me since coming out.

 

Though this is not something that was there before and just covered up.  A least I do not think so. 

 

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For me, if you'd have asked me that question a year ago, my reply would have been "absolutely not!" But now? Who knows? I still have a preference for women, but not as set in concrete as before. And thats after 3 months of hormones. And the research says that some M2F's experience a variable shift. Some a 180 degree shift, some less.

 

 

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I too, would have said two years ago, "no way", however I remember one day while watching a talk show on tv a young (late 20's or early 30's) came out on stage and I said out loud "oh, he's cuuute! this has never happened since but.....  I have not had the pleasure of anyone coming on to me and I have always wanted a woman to want me, but now I am beginning to think that having a man around to take care of me sounds pretty good. Maybe I'm bi? who knows....

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I use grinder and tinder. Everyone on grinder are teases. Tinder might be better, but they like to match me up with people all across the country. So i never paid for a subscription. zoosk and adultfriend finder are total waste of time.

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 I'm Pan. If you are beautiful you are beautiful. Cis man or Cis woman. Trans Woman or Trans Man. Gay man or Gay woman. I do prefer smooth and feminine. However I have been attracted to a bear every now and then.

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On 3/31/2020 at 10:11 PM, BrandiBri said:

I too, would have said two years ago, "no way", however I remember one day while watching a talk show on tv a young (late 20's or early 30's) came out on stage and I said out loud "oh, he's cuuute! this has never happened since but..... 

Hell I wouldn't of said this 2 months ago.  Its that recent for me but so alluring.  

I've had the "he is cute" thoughts too that slapped me in the face after the fact.  Like "WHAT am I saying!" but it keeps happening so I am just going to see where it leads.

 

1 hour ago, Chloé Rei said:

I use grinder and tinder. Everyone on grinder are teases. Tinder might be better, but they like to match me up with people all across the country. So i never paid for a subscription. zoosk and adultfriend finder are total waste of time.

Yea not exactly my cup of tea.  Any of those sites.

I'm not ready to sign up for all the over 50 Silver sites though. hehehe

I'm thinking I may look at eHarmony again.  It is a paid site which keeps a lot of the freebee trash out of it but I also found it to be very extensive with the application and questionnaire they have you fill out.  

 

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If you google it. There are sites that list the top Trans friendly sites. I don't know if these sites are paid to say this though.

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The best way to find someone is to be very content being single.  I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but people are attracted to those who are comfortable in their own skin.  Before my dysphoria hit me hard again, I was attracting women.  I was at that time quite content being single, and uninterested in anyone.  I had fairly attractive younger women come on to me.  Of course this is Atlanta where women out number men 12 to 1, but still, as a male I was never all that out of the ordinary so as to attract women.  I wondered when a couple of Uber drivers showed clear interest, if they had looked in their rear view mirrors at me.  lol.

 

You also have to be available, in the sense of being socially active.  You can't do this from home.

 

I used to know a guy who had worked for one of the major dating app/sites advertised all over.  His job had been to create fake female profiles to attract desperate men to the site and keep these guys paying in hope of landing a girl of their dreams.  After learning that, I'd never use one of those dating apps/services/site.  My opinion of most of those sites is they are predatory, preying on lonely people to make money.  I have nothing but contempt for them.

 

@ShawnaLeigh From what I have been able to see from your posts, you are a gentle person of faith, who cares about people.  That's not all that common anymore.  I am sure you will find that right someone.

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Strange thoughts, I have been bi/pan for the last 20 odd years. I always dated and had relationships with women though, men were for fun without drama in my case. 

 

I was always of the opinion that transitioning would not change my preferences for relationships. I would still prefer women for relationships and guys for fun only.

 

6 months in on HRT, my drive is practically non existant. I still feel the same about women, but my perspective has changed regarding men. I have a few guys I talk with that make me think of an actual full time relationship with them or someone like them. So now I wonder if its hormone related, perspective shift possibly. The fact that I am transgender now may very well be responsible, it hasnt changed my sexuality, but may have opened a whole new avenue, relationships with men. What a novel idea, okay for me that is.

Traci Lynn

 

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As to sites, has anyone here used fiori.co? I ran across it recently and it seems different than the run of the mill.

Maid in Bedlam, that's an excellent question. I have been through three divorces and a dozen or more other serious relationships with women. And realize looking back on life that I really was never in love. I was pretty good at 'acting' like a man was supposed to act, good enough that I lured in an awful lot of women without even trying.

As it stands now, I don't know if could ever date. Or if there's even any point to trying to date.

TA

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  • 5 weeks later...

Not quite sure why you would make this your first ever post as it is as i write this. But all the same. Quite interesting.

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    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
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