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YharnamDreamDaddy

Handling my friends reaction

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YharnamDreamDaddy

I'll keep myself brief about my own experience.
I was coerced into sexual actions/situations I did not want by my ex partner: not in the "dramatic movie" way but through constant arguments/whining/begging until I did not have the energy to fight with them any longer and gave in. 

Yesterday me and a long term friend were speaking.
I've already brought this up at some point in our long friendship and I've never stuck under the chair with that I'm struggling with the mental scars left from my ex behaviour towards me. 

Now she's always been the type of person that... reacts hard when something happens to her but seems rather distant/aloof when things happens to others. 
She also tends to never see her fault in an "argument": last time we had a big fight, she had made pretty hurtful comments about my suggestions for where we could go eat (I suggested a simple sandwich shop because I was not very hungry and got the comment of how "that's not even real food!" which was lovely for me dealing with my body issue/self hatred. When I confronted her with this: she was more upset that I dared to call her out and she ended up doing no self reflection, instead waving it off as a "situation that just got out of hand" without even apologising (of note was: I apologised for having hurt her feelings.) 

Somehow we got tangled up in the topic of our school time, when I dated my ex. 
I made an offhanded remark that, had I had the choice, I wish I wouldn't have gone down that rout with them. 
She adds the generic comment of: "welp, then who would you be today?" 
Now generally, I tend to avoid conflict but... this time I just felt like, I couldn't roll over and constantly be a soft bellied spineless kitty, so I added "anything would have been better than them". 
Her comment just sent the ball rolling further: "Could have been so much worse". 
I will admit I hesitated for a minute, just thought if it would be worth it but well, I took the plunge and told her the only thing worse my ex could have done, would have been if they killed me. I reminded her of the information she already knew: for years this person sexually and mentally abused me. 
And her answer was "well you should have gone to the police then". 

I think I just lost my mind there. 
That's the comment I've dreaded the few times I've dared to tell people what happened to me: that push that  I was responsible for what they did to me. 
I was stuck in that relationship, no self confidence, first time relationship with sexual action in it, a complete mind wreck being told I was NOTHING and I was worth NOTHING without my partner. And let me tell you, they were smart: of course they never did anything when anyone could hear it/see it. 
So for her to give a comment on how I should stop complaining and should have just "gone to the police then", well it just broke me down completely. 

My trouble is that my brain/mind is a wreck right now: she has always been very insensitive when speaking to people about any sensitive topics (so it's not only me that has reacted) and I know that, just like with the now rather pathetic restaurant argument, if I speak to her there is a huge possibility that she won't see her own fault here and just wave the situation off. 
I guess I'm asking for advice: should I even forgive her? I'm not that social an individual and I fear becoming completely alone but at the same time I'm also stuck in the debate if it is even worth keeping someone around that hurts me like this? 
 

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KathyLauren

This person does not sound like friend.  She hangs around you because she gets what she wants from you. 

 

5 hours ago, YharnamDreamDaddy said:

I'm also stuck in the debate if it is even worth keeping someone around that hurts me like this? 
 

 

I don't know her and I don't know you, so I can't answer for you.  If it were me and someone treated me like this, my answer would be no.

 

Right now, you are angry at her.  You cannot forgive someone while you are angry; it doesn't work that way.  If you get to the point where you are no longer angry, then you can think about forgiving her.

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YharnamDreamDaddy
1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

This person does not sound like friend.  She hangs around you because she gets what she wants from you. 

 

 

I don't know her and I don't know you, so I can't answer for you.  If it were me and someone treated me like this, my answer would be no.

 

Right now, you are angry at her.  You cannot forgive someone while you are angry; it doesn't work that way.  If you get to the point where you are no longer angry, then you can think about forgiving her.

Thank you for taking your time to read this all through. 
I think you may be right and I should cool down... but I'm also starting to think that perhaps what keeps us hooked together is my fear of abandonment rather than a pleasurable friendship. 
Thanks again. 

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