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Gender Phoenix

I am afraid of my own depression, it's getting worse.

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Gender Phoenix

I've spent a large part of my life on forums all over the net trying to talk people out of sucicide, why? because I feel similar to many of these people.  I too have wanted to end my life many times.

 

I've never carried out a plan nor made attempts, but I had gotten as far as a plan before changing my mind, not always for the same reasons.

 

I suffer from anexity issues, depression, and low self esteem.  I'm transgender, not transitioned yet, 32, and may have a few mental and personality disorders from years of emotional abuse. 

 

I have 4 close friends, two of which I have feelings for, neither have them back.  I have made a lot of progress towards improving myself because of all the love and support of one of them.  I'm not always open with how I feel about much of any thing but i tell her every thing, she is one of only three people who know I've considered suicide in the past.  She's my primary confidant and bedrock keeping me sane and alive.  

 

Today I found out she's dating one of my bullies, that's known me for all of my life and hadn't started to be nice to me till recently.  I had a crush on her, I've nearly hated him, now i feel shocked, confused, devastated, on top of being worried about my future, my friends, and on top of my already existing depression and issues I have against my own body, I now have this running through my mind too.

They have only told me, because they say they can trust me, but the other group of people our other friends think their both in happy relationships with other people and this bully is bffs with one of her exes.

 

I don't want to think or deal with any of this, I haven't worked at all, i am running out of money because of the virus, I hate myself, I just wish I could feel happy for her, I feel like a horrible person for not being able to.  My other best friend wouldn't even talk to me for two days and does this from time to time.

 

I want to die, except to my horror, I've learned from the mistakes of those I know who survived or where stopped, I having spent all my life trying to prevent others from sucicide find myself considering it.

 

I'll tell no one any thing, shut down emotionally, and never come back, or at least that's what I'm afraid of.  A part of me still wants to live, I just don't want to feel suffering or pain any more.  but I can feel the grip of the despair growing more powerful than ever before, so I ask some one please help me, please give me advice, some one save me.

 

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Jackie C.

Depression is a powerful thing. The kind of crushing weight that won't let you breathe. What worked for me... coming out, HRT and being myself... won't necessarily work for you. The first thing I'd do is find a therapist. Depression is a very big thing, don't face it alone.

 

Don't say anything about social distancing. My therapist is online and we talk via a video app. No excuses. Get some help.

 

Next up: Support your friend. The kind of people who bully other people aren't the kind of people who make good partners. She's going to need you when enough of the novelty has worn off that he starts acting like himself again. You don't have to pretend to be happy for her, but you also don't need to nag her about it. Express your concerns if you have to. Once. Then drop it. You don't need to be hurting her. Be there when she needs someone to help pick up the pieces. Don't say, "I told you so."

 

You're allowed to be sad about the money thing. A lot of people are in the same situation right now. Try to make plans for "What happens if the money runs out?" Where will you live? What will you eat? Who will pat you on the head and tell you that you're pretty? You know, necessities.

 

In the meantime, we're here if you need to vent. We're pretty good at the emotional support group thing. I think you know that suicide isn't the answer. You'll get through this.

 

Hugs!

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Sarahnr1
55 minutes ago, Gender Phoenix said:

I've spent a large part of my life on forums all over the net trying to talk people out of sucicide, why? because I feel similar to many of these people.  I too have wanted to end my life many times.

 

I've never carried out a plan nor made attempts, but I had gotten as far as a plan before changing my mind, not always for the same reasons.

 

I suffer from anexity issues, depression, and low self esteem.  I'm transgender, not transitioned yet, 32, and may have a few mental and personality disorders from years of emotional abuse. 

 

I have 4 close friends, two of which I have feelings for, neither have them back.  I have made a lot of progress towards improving myself because of all the love and support of one of them.  I'm not always open with how I feel about much of any thing but i tell her every thing, she is one of only three people who know I've considered suicide in the past.  She's my primary confidant and bedrock keeping me sane and alive.  

 

Today I found out she's dating one of my bullies, that's known me for all of my life and hadn't started to be nice to me till recently.  I had a crush on her, I've nearly hated him, now i feel shocked, confused, devastated, on top of being worried about my future, my friends, and on top of my already existing depression and issues I have against my own body, I now have this running through my mind too.

They have only told me, because they say they can trust me, but the other group of people our other friends think their both in happy relationships with other people and this bully is bffs with one of her exes.

 

I don't want to think or deal with any of this, I haven't worked at all, i am running out of money because of the virus, I hate myself, I just wish I could feel happy for her, I feel like a horrible person for not being able to.  My other best friend wouldn't even talk to me for two days and does this from time to time.

 

I want to die, except to my horror, I've learned from the mistakes of those I know who survived or where stopped, I having spent all my life trying to prevent others from sucicide find myself considering it.

 

I'll tell no one any thing, shut down emotionally, and never come back, or at least that's what I'm afraid of.  A part of me still wants to live, I just don't want to feel suffering or pain any more.  but I can feel the grip of the despair growing more powerful than ever before, so I ask some one please help me, please give me advice, some one save me.

 

 

Like you i am and have been Sucidal since i was  little  (recently upgraded to Severe  as well as upgraded   Severe depression and Anxiety  Disorder )  Due to some BS  in RL last year ) And i have gazilion NP  diagnosis  as well.     

 

This said only to let you know i DO understand  you better then you might think.  

 

First you DONT want to die thats obvius and thats good. And you SHOULD be very scared  of this route  as well as its not even close to as peacful or painless  as you are led to belive from those claiming it is. Its quite the opposite.  USE  those feelings  of  DONT whant to die  and  being scared   to take this step  

 

What you need is someone to talk to  and im here if you want to get to know me better or give me chance either out here  / Or by Pm /or both. You also NEED to somehow get profetional  help  ASAP.  

 

And last  belive me  i KNOW  how  down you must be right now  in youre obvius  DEEP  Depression  as i have been there MANY times  in my life BUT TRUST me on this  Suicide is NOT have not / will not ever  be the right  solution.  It WILL  get better again   so you HAVE to  KEEP ON  FIGHTING  for youre life  and youre goals   with every  breath you take   my friend  IT CAN be done

 

YOURE NOT  alone   my friend     

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Gender Phoenix

Thank so much for your responses.

I feel better today.

 

But I will have to tell my therapist about this next session, we usually have them every Monday but we have to skip this week do to her being overbooked, We've been doing phone sessions which I have weird quirks where phone conversations make me anxious as hell so it's been a test of my will power.  I really want to start hormones some day though, so I'm not going to let my anexity over talking on a phone instead if in person stop me.

 

My depression and anxiety feel like waves or a rollercoaster,  some one keeps saying I should have bloodwork done to see if I have some sort of hormone imbalance in addition to the gender related issues about my body, but I don't know if there right or not, I have mentioned that to my therapist last session.  Some times I'll randomly have a feeling of pure Bliss, some times a feeling of pure despair, some times they will come on after another while other times my Depression or Anexity are manageable with the coping skills I've taught myself.

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Sarahnr1
3 hours ago, Gender Phoenix said:

Thank so much for your responses.

I feel better today.

 

But I will have to tell my therapist about this next session, we usually have them every Monday but we have to skip this week do to her being overbooked, We've been doing phone sessions which I have weird quirks where phone conversations make me anxious as hell so it's been a test of my will power.  I really want to start hormones some day though, so I'm not going to let my anexity over talking on a phone instead if in person stop me.

 

My depression and anxiety feel like waves or a rollercoaster,  some one keeps saying I should have bloodwork done to see if I have some sort of hormone imbalance in addition to the gender related issues about my body, but I don't know if there right or not, I have mentioned that to my therapist last session.  Some times I'll randomly have a feeling of pure Bliss, some times a feeling of pure despair, some times they will come on after another while other times my Depression or Anexity are manageable with the coping skills I've taught myself.

 

Youre wellcome  and  im glad  youre starting to feel better  again

 

Good you need to take this up with youre   therapist  (nodding head  )    

 

To me it sounds  like  you MAYBY  (only cert  evaluation can determan this  )  you might be like me  (told you had  MULTIBLE  NP diagnosis &  Gazilion CO morbid to those  )  Bi Polar so you should  try to get this checked     

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