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Aubrey

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I’m kind of new here so about me I think I’m trans not sure yet I’m only happy as a girl my wife supports me ish. And idk if I would have had the confidence to get this far without her but I want to go farther but I don’t want to make her upset and she means the world to me but I don’t want to be depressed all the time. I think of suicide all the time except when I am a girl and idk what to do

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Sarahnr1
1 hour ago, Aubrey said:

I’m kind of new here so about me I think I’m trans not sure yet I’m only happy as a girl

 

my wife supports me ish.

 

And idk if I would have had the confidence to get this far without her but I want to go farther

 

but I don’t want to make her upset and she means the world to me but I don’t want to be depressed all the time.

 

I think of suicide all the time except when I am a girl and idk what to do

 

First  warm wellcome  Aubrey 

 

If youre wife supports you  thats  half of youre battle  alredy won.  have you also asked  her  how she  would  feel IF  you inded  some day   become a woman ?      

 

To go further  this road  you need to be 101  %  shore   and ready for it   (ie in this case  get a  evaluation to see  if you are indeed  a TS  and IF so are you able to cope with this  transition  as its  not easy  and sadly for may (NOT all )   there is price to pay  for this.    

 

I think you just anwerd  youre own question with  how you feel depressed  all the time.

 

First  of all  you have  choose  the  right first step coming  in here   that takes  ALLOT of   mental strenth.

 

Second  you NEED  to talk to youre wife  how  miserable you feel about  having to live as  man   when you feel as you are woman   BUT also how much you love youre wife   and  you dont whant to hurt  her  or risk loosing her

 

Third   DONT  repeat  DONT take the step and try to suicide its not  have not ever  ,will not ever be the right  choice  (TRUST me on this  ive been sucidal most of my life   and recently upgraded  to Severly Sucidal due to some BS  )   And Yet  here i am   still fighting  and SO CAN YOU  . YOURE NOT alone  anymore   and im right here   ready to talk  as are all of us  (TRUST me when i say you NEED to talk to others  that have been there & understand  were youre at at  this stage )                  

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sleepinflame

This feeling is just a moment in time.  Think of all the years ahead.   Those years won't be filled with this feeling because it is about a particular issue.  You feel you are in an impossible place where you feel can't be a man and you feel you can't be a woman.   Life is long and this time where you are dealing with this decision is just a fleeting moment compared to the fullness of life.

 

I'm almost sixty and the last time I felt suicidal was when I was 17.  I did not see at the time that there is so much wonderful life to live after the crisis passes.  There is a plaza in Rome which holds ancient ruins.  And cats.  So many cats that people feed as a feral colony.  Go see Rome.  As a woman.  With your wife if she's willing.  With someone else if that's the way the chips fall.

 

Find a good therapist.  Talk.  Talk with anyone who will listen and don't be afraid to bleed on them (figuratively).  I found some of the best friends I've ever had when I was in crisis and had to find people who I could talk with.

 

I'm no expert on how to help people, but I saw your post and couldn't not reply.  I hope this helps.  You can write about your feelings here and I'm sure that will help.

 

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Charlize

Welcome to Trans Pulse Aubrey,

 I remember the time when i was just in the position you describe.  As i found a path towards being myself i found hope and today, peace.  My time reading and sharing here helped me, as did time with a gender therapist.

If you are feeling overwhelmed please reach out at our chatrooms on Discord or reach out to either the Trans Lifeline or the Trevor Project.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Thanks everyone I would love to go to a therapist but I just left the army and have no job and I’m not 100% sure I’m trans because there are times that I like being a man. About 60% of the time I feel like a woman and 40% of the time I feel like a man and I know my wife would tolerate me transitioning with some stipulations but I know she’d be miserable with it. And my entire family would disown me I’m sure of it maybe not my mom. But they are hard core Christian my dad would probably throw up if I told him something like that I just don’t know what to do because I don’t want to not be a man again but I just get so happy being a woman much more than man

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Susan R
1 hour ago, Aubrey said:

I would love to go to a therapist but I just left the army and have no job and I’m not 100% sure I’m trans

Have you looked into the VA resources for therapy?  There are many threads and I’ve heard good things about it in my local support groups.  It may well be worth looking into.  Also, very few of us know for sure early on that we are trans.  It does take time, research, and a lot of soul searching with and without a therapist to figure that out.  IMHO..A good therapist specializing in gender identity issue can better help you get to the point of knowing who you are faster in many cases than doing it alone.

 

1 hour ago, Aubrey said:

I know my wife would tolerate me transitioning with some stipulations but I know she’d be miserable with it.

Try not to get the cart before the horse.  Your wife, in her current state of understanding and acceptance, may be miserable with it.  She must transition along with you in order for this thing to have any chance at success.

Sadly, I started HRT almost 3 months before actually telling my wife because I had this same belief.  Every night I promised myself....”tonight is the night I’m going to tell her. I will do this”.  I cried in the bathroom several times in the middle of the night because I backed down and woke up sad in the morning because another day had started.  I became very depressed.  You don’t want this to happen to yourself and if it has...something needs to change.  It’s simply not living!  You need and deserve to have a fulfilled life too.  Boxing it up and pretending it doesn’t exist is never a longterm solution and neither is suicide.

 

Thanks you for sharing part of yourself with us here. I hope we can offer you support and guidance.  I know we’ll try our best!


Susan R?

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Sarahnr1
53 minutes ago, Aubrey said:

Thanks everyone I would love to go to a therapist but I just left the army and have no job

 

and I’m not 100% sure I’m trans because there are times that I like being a man. About 60% of the time I feel like a woman and 40% of the time I feel like a man

 

and I know my wife would tolerate me transitioning with some stipulations but I know she’d be miserable with it.

 

And my entire family would disown me I’m sure of it maybe not my mom. But they are hard core Christian my dad would probably throw up if I told him something like that

 

I just don’t know what to do because I don’t want to not be a man again but I just get so happy being a woman much more than man

 

Thats  indeed  problem  and i also know sadly a very common problem. What you could try is tio see  if there are  any  TS  support  groups  around  in youre area.

 

What you first need to find out is HOW do you feel about this. for some it  comes   at a young age  for others  it takes  up to adult hood (and you'd  be surprised   how  many TS   that comes  from the military of all  brands  )

 

Again you need to actually dare talk to her  about how she really feels   not only how YOU think she feels  about this  Aubry. At first  she might be  somewhat  aqward with all this  BUT  if you give her  time  she MIGHT  be able to accept (if you so choose  )  youre desition.

 

Again this is a story i had to read  oh so many times  with familys  that are religous. what i dont  understand  is   how  those  that  disown or misstreat   there family members  just because of  something  like this cant get in there  heads  that  NOWHERE  in the  good  book   is it said  its a sin to be a woman / or a man  born in the wrong  body. and i know of MANY  religous Ts both over here  as well as  around the globe. BUT again you DONT know this Aubrey you think so  . They also might need some  time  to get all this thru there head   

 

Been there  done that  and its  a very tough time indeed . what i did   i started to search the webb   and more or less  vacume   the webb for information about what Gender dysforia  and  Tranexuality really is. Also what you need  (and trust me on this  i KNOW  what im talking about  ) someone (and of course  us in here      you can talk to   that you can   vent  all youre  inner feelings  reg all this   so that you can get out  all the  feelings  trapped  inside you  so as you cant  affoard  profetinal  help right  now   USE US    neither one  of us are pro´s    BUT we  have been there  so we  do understand  what youre going  thru Aubrey. This  is  bacikly what the pros  do and use as well   only difrence is   they get payed  for  it we do it for free.

 

Not  many can go thru all this all alone Aubry  (me included  i had  full support  from my then TS  mentor  during my 2 years  of living  nightmare of nearly going insane  before i had to accept i needed  to start  my evaluation (ive known im a Ts woman since  i was  young  but i fought hard not to   go this route as i had  more then enogh problems as it was )    

 

Youre not alone anymore Aubry were all here ready to read  and  try our best to support  you.

 

And until you get  youre Pm priveligies  (not shore how that works  these days )  im right here ready to help as best i can   and  when you gotten them feel free to IF you whant to  Pm me as well.               

 

                            

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I’ve talked to my wife about it and she doesn’t like it but would never go against who even if she doesn’t like it but I feel bad and my family I know it there’s been another far off family member that was just gay and they called him an abomination and never speak to him and always talk -crap- about about him and how disgusted they are by him I just know the only support I’ll have is online and my wife

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VickySGV

In North Carolina, you have a wonderful chance to find a Chosen Family that will accept you and your wife.  I consider a few of them to be my distant Chosen Family since I am in So. Calif.  You are going to have to take some small risks, but I know the people are there and are super great and loving.  Joining a support group is your first step. Take the step, you will like it.

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Sarahnr1
4 hours ago, Aubrey said:

I’ve talked to my wife about it and she doesn’t like it but would never go against who even if she doesn’t like it

 

but I feel bad and my family I know it there’s been another far off family member that was just gay and they called him an abomination and never speak to him and always talk -crap- about about him and how disgusted they are by him

 

I just know the only support I’ll have is online and my wife

 

Well then as  i hoped  and  thoght based  on how you said she said  before she  loves  you for WHO you are. As i also said  give her  some  time  as well DONT try to push on her  any more  (talk about this oh yes   but  the rest  leave that for now  she still needs  time  )  

 

First  that BAD  Second  that was  as  you say a FAR  of  family so easier to  do this  to him. and also YOURE  there  flech and blood   there is a HUGE difrence. and  IF they decide to go that route   youre better of without them  Aubry if ANY of my family members  had  done this   or threatend me  when i transitioned i would  have  cut them right of   from day one  (luckily in my case  all have stood behind  me as they have alredy known i was a  girl since i was  little  aparantly and just waited for me to come out  ,Same with the  few REEL friends  i have in life  )  

 

Well if thats the case belive me when i tell you that  you have WAY more support then many others  in youre  situation.

 

ALL the doughts,  feeling of guilt, Felling  of   this  isent  right  , i cant  and most defenetly shouldent do this etc....  Ive been there Aubry  (that was my period i mentined  earlier i belive when i was nearly going  bananas  and for me it lasted  nearly 2 years  i might add and it invoulved  MULTIBLE  phone  sessions HOERS at a  time pretty mush every day  with my TS  mentor  (older alredy transitioned  all the way ) and  multible  tripps  to her  (by car  roughly 2 hoers  drive  one way )

 

What you now have to do is  take this SLOW  and ONE thing at a  time  DONT try to rush things  this  HAS to be alowed to take time  Aubry  (ive lost count  on how many  i have talked  to over the years  that have  tried  to rush things  and  crached  and burnt  due to it  )                       

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Sally Stone
16 hours ago, Aubrey said:

I’m not 100% sure I’m trans because there are times that I like being a man. About 60% of the time I feel like a woman and 40% of the time I feel like a man

Aubrey,

I just want you to know there are others that feel the way you do and it's okay if you don't feel as though you want to transition full-time. Ultimately, transition may be the answer for you, but I can tell you from experience that expressing femininity only part-time, can be an effective way to keep yourself sane, happy and fulfilled.  I think the most important thing is that you take the time to explore and understand what you really need.  I lead a very fulfilling feminine life expressing myself part-time.

 

You've come to a great place for some of the answers you seek.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally  

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Sarahnr1

As Susan R & Sally say & also others i agree. And  let me also add that NOT all TS transition its NOT a  criteria to be a TS nor does ALL TS  that do transition go ALL the way.  More and more decide to stop were ever on this road they are from all kinds of valid  reasons  and thats  also okey . Youre gender  comes  from WHO you think you are   NOT the outside.  Its all a  question on how YOU want youre life to be and in what gender role  and what makes YOU happy Aubry.         

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  • 3 weeks later...

I like being a boy sometimes and a girl sometimes I know it’s not right to tell someone who they are but can you point me in the right direction what am i

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Sarahnr1
57 minutes ago, Aubrey said:

I like being a boy sometimes and a girl sometimes I know it’s not right to tell someone who they are but can you point me in the right direction what am i

 

Im afraid  only YOU can determan what you are Aubrey . what i can say   is   that  Gender dysforia   comes  in  " attacks " (ie  they come  in periods   when the attacks  of  feeling  like the other gender  is  stronger then before  , who then again recides  to more   manurable  feelings again ) this  is  also highly individual how  strong  and   how  long  periods  and even the time frame.

 

This said  from what i have read  about  you so far  in here  it MAY be that youre in the denail and  confused  as well as fighting  with youre own self   (i was  in that stage  nearly 2 years  and i was that close to go compleatly  bananas ) Bacikly its  youre brain   that in its  own belives  so to say trying to save  you  from this  conflicting  feelings =  youre going  back and forth  from so badly want to do this  but then the  doughts   begin to settle  in and  you start doghting youre self again & then the  dysforia  cicks  in again and  around  it goes.

 

The best advice i can give  you is   as i did  during  this  period  LEARN ALL you can  about  what Gender  dysforia  is all about   and same with Transsexuellity.  And if  you have someone  you feel you can trust  (incl youre wife  IF she is willing   and or can support  you)   you need to take that life line as well . and if things  go to far   and you begin to feel  that youre everyday life is  affected  you NEED to seek profetinal help ASAP  Hardly anyone  can get thru  this  ALL alone  (me included  had i not had my then TS  mentor  i would have becomed  mad  )        

 

And  you have to let this  take the time  it need   DONT try to rush this  . before IF / you take this step  of  transition you need to be  101  %  shore that this  is what you whant  and  also that you are  101 % clear  on what this  gender  switch means  and  possible   price  you have to pay (incl  both family  but  also in society in general  and most defently the  job market  )  Take  a look at  how  there  lifes  are   in ALL  aspects  and then decide   if this  gender  role  is what fits  you. IF so  well then you know  its  time to seek  profetinal evaluation  for  possible gender dysforia ( ie   transgenderd ) 

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Jackie C.
6 hours ago, Aubrey said:

I like being a boy sometimes and a girl sometimes I know it’s not right to tell someone who they are but can you point me in the right direction what am i

 

From your post, I'm... and keep in mind this is from someone who was raised by ocelots... I'm like 99% sure you're a human being. That's all that really matters. If you want to delve into your gender more deeply, I'd suggest you consult with a gender therapist. In the meantime you're almost certainly an Aubrey and that's OK. Be the best Aubrey you can be.

 

Hugs!

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Charlize

Aubrey when i first transitioned i wasn't sure how i would act or what i would do.  Of course i'd never been a woman before.  Over time i've figured out that i'm just me.  I pass as a woman and clean up pretty good for an older woman but at the same time i work the farm as i have done for years.  I  just finished repairing our manure spreader and have a smaller tractor back up and running.  Society seems to want us in stereotypical roles but today as a woman i can do what i wish and simply be myself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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TammyAnne
On 4/11/2020 at 2:02 PM, Aubrey said:

Thanks everyone I would love to go to a therapist but I just left the army and have no job and I’m not 100% sure I’m trans because there are times that I like being a man. About 60% of the time I feel like a woman and 40% of the time I feel like a man and I know my wife would tolerate me transitioning with some stipulations but I know she’d be miserable with it. And my entire family would disown me I’m sure of it maybe not my mom. But they are hard core Christian my dad would probably throw up if I told him something like that I just don’t know what to do because I don’t want to not be a man again but I just get so happy being a woman much more than man

Hi Aubrey, welcome from another Army vet!

With much hesitation I inquired at the VA about transitioning. I was completely surprised how positive and supportive they are. I have been meeting with a gender therapist for 18 months. The therapist has been quite helpful in helping me find my path in all this, including informing my primary care physician, who has been very respectful.

Your therapist will not only help you sort your own issues, do paperwork and provide guidance, they will also ask you some hard questions that will make you think about things you haven't considered. And will help you in the coming out process to find ways to say what you need to say to family members.

Also the VA will provide proper treatment for transitioning including HRT and gynecology appointments. They do not at this time provide surgery.

I'm glad you're here, that you've found us.

TA

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Sarahnr1
5 hours ago, Sarahnr1 said:

And  you have to let this  take the time  it need   DONT try to rush this  . before IF / you take this step  of  transition you need to be  101  %  shore that this  is what you want  and  also that you are  101 % clear  on what this  gender  switch means  and  possible  price  you have to pay (incl  both family  but  also in society in general  and most defently the  job market  )  Take  a look at  how  there  lifes  are   in ALL  aspects  and then decide   if this  gender  role  is what fits  you. IF so  well then you know  its  time to seek  profetinal evaluation  for  possible gender dysforia ( ie   Transgenders ) 

 

I feel i should try to clarify my earlier statemnt reg this  Gender roles  .

 

What i meant was that  society in general have  a  somewhat strickt traditional  way on how wimen  should  live there lifes and  conduct them self  etc...  . (NOT defending it  in any way  shape or form ) and i know  many TS  that have actually  being aflicted  in there working  life  and had to step down from good  paying jobs  to  less so ONLY  on the basis of them changed  gender.   So there is a risk   and all  that takes this  road NEED   to be aware of this risk

 

Now in us TS woman were even MORE strictly bound  by  traditionell gender roles  and how we  are  expected to live our lifes  and conduct  our selfs (even over here  i might add ) To be  able to be accepted  in society as wimen (as are the case  in my  situation)  

 

ALL this said  am a  X  Long haul trucker and have been in the trucking business   in all brands  and learned this job since i was 16  ( NO i dident drive obviesly ) but i learnt the job from the ground  upp  by the  old  guard of truckers willing to teach me  ALL for free .  So OF COURSE   you can have any profetion even as a  TS  woman BUT sadly  as far as i know  (and most  defenetly over in US  )  its  more common that  a Ts  woman risk loosing there job  and have to find  a  less high payed  job IF they can find  it  .  

 

SO all this said all im saying is there is a risk   NOT saying it will happen                      

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sleepinflame
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

In the meantime you're almost certainly an Aubrey and that's OK. Be the best Aubrey you can be.

That is genius advice.  I seem to be pretty fluid right now thinking I'm 50/50 and then sometimes very female.  I don't know if that will continue or if I'll settle down.  I think that the more male my mind works the less happy I am, but my feelings about that are also fluid.

 

I really prefer to act as a male with males and female with females.  In the case of acting as a male, it's mostly a disguise (a really good one!), but not one that causes me trauma, but also not something that gives me pleasure.  It's not like most men have any emotional bandwidth anyway, so what's the loss?  What really makes me happy is the company of women and talking about all of the things.  I also find that I am more feminine one-on-one and tend to revert to a more male role/voice when with multiple people or with strangers.  E.g. on the forums, I find myself sort of pompous and man-splaining.  I read what I wrote and I cringe.  I know that internally, I was trying to be crystal clear, but I'm also trying to keep the crowd at a distance.  Either way, it's good for me, but clarity is a slow thing to come by.

 

Try to be aware of how you interact with culture and family.  Try to be aware of how it's channeling your thinking and your feelings.  I have a friend who transitioned MtF and it took me a year or two to adjust emotionally to her transition.  I can look at my own reaction to that and see a little bit of how we are culture-bound.  I really love the way Jackie put it in her note.  You may find it takes yourself a year or two to come to terms with your own feelings about yourself.  I know it is taking that long for me.  Every thing I write here helps me and I hope it helps you.

 

On 4/11/2020 at 11:32 PM, Aubrey said:

I just know the only support I’ll have is online and my wife

That's just not true.  You will find other support.  It may not be from the immediate family as you wish it to be, but you will find other support.   You do have to talk to a variety of people and finding a therapist is a good start.

 

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BrandiBri

Welcome Aubrey! I agree with all that's been said, but would like to add, take it slow. This, just as life in general, is a marathon. It definitely is not a 100 yard dash! I know that since your wife knows that you want to talk about it and let all your feelings out, but you do need to give her time to assimilate what you have told her so far and let her work through her own transition to this point. Is say this because I've been there and done that. We have a tendency to free all of our emotions all at once and this can and does turn people off if we insist on talking about it all the time.

Do check out the VA, although I never served, (I didn't meet the qualifications) I have a good friend that has told me good things about them. By going to a gender therapist you can explore your feelings with someone who will listen without judging you.

3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

In the meantime you're almost certainly an Aubrey and that's OK. Be the best Aubrey you can be.

Spot on! Btw, your avatar is beautiful, I'm soooo jealous!

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Aubrey

My wife cheated on me because she said I’m only happy as a girl and she didn’t want to tell me not to do it as much because it was wrong and that’s why she cheated and now I think I might need to go to a mental hospital

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TammyAnne
1 hour ago, Aubrey said:

My wife cheated on me because she said I’m only happy as a girl and she didn’t want to tell me not to do it as much because it was wrong and that’s why she cheated and now I think I might need to go to a mental hospital

Given your circumstances, I'd encourage you to contact your local VA hospital to see about seeing a counselor. They do have in patient care as well.

You're not alone, and you're not the only vet with problems, including problems like yours. I've sat in a roomful of vets experiencing all sorts of things.

Please reach out. They will help. You earned it.

TA

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Luna Tik Clark
1 hour ago, Aubrey said:

My wife cheated on me because she said I’m only happy as a girl and she didn’t want to tell me not to do it as much because it was wrong and that’s why she cheated and now I think I might need to go to a mental hospital

I would encourage you to call the Veteran's Crisis Line at 1-800-273-8255 and talk to them. They're there to help you even if you aren't feeling suicidal. They put me in touch with right people to help me deal with my issues and they can do the same for you. Hang in there, Aubrey, you're a pretty, young woman. If your wife isn't able to deal with that, then that's her issue, not yours! Be you and be happy! Best of luck to you.

Lots Of Love, Luna

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Aubrey

I don’t know what to do I wrote a suicide note and burned it and I’ve wrote another and idk what to do 

@TammyAnne

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BrandiBri

Whatever you do,  please don't commit suicide! That is way too permanent a solution to a temporary problem. Besides that you are a valued person and think of the hurt you would be inflicting on those who love you. I won't say that everything will be alright, since I can't promise that it, just take it one day at a time. But please don't even consider suicide!

 

Hugs,

Brandi

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