I am so confused.

[CreepyConfusedKid]

I've been feeling a lot of dysphoria lately.
I keep thinking that I might be trans.
Now here's the problem:
Some times when I feel like a girl, a few minutes later I'll deny it and feel like a boy again.
I am so confused.
Sometimes I want to be a girl but sometimes I want to stay a boy.
I keep saying things like "I'm too boyish to be a girl but I'm too emotional to be a boy".
I am pretty muscular for my age and I have a very deep voice and I hit puberty at 9 so that's why I feel like I can't be a girl.
But I feel like I can't be a boy because I act very feminine.
I'm so confused.
Help pls.

[ShawnaLeigh]

Welcome to TP and you my friend are in the right place to learn all about yourself.  Now we do not like to label anyone and none of us are licensed therapists but in my opinion you sound like you are in the middle road of being nonbinary.  You are both and this can swap back and forth all the time.  I am not nonbinary so I may not be the best person to talk with about this but there are many here who are and hopefully they chime in.

For now just take a breathe and know you are no longer alone and dealing with this all by yourself.   There is lots of acceptance and love and tons of support here.

So read and ask and learn but be patient with yourself as a transgender journey has no limits and timelines and defiantly no owners manual.  

[Chrysalis]

I'm an Androgyne and you so very much sound like me!

 

Wikipedia defines Androgyny as: the combination of masculine and feminine characteristics into an ambiguous form. Androgyny may be expressed with regard to biological sex, gender identity, gender expression, or sexual identity.

 

I would suggest that you might look into it a bit on line and then look back into yourself.

Hope this may help you.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, CCK.  I see you talking about "can't be" and "feel like".  What about "want"? 

 

Who do you want to be?  In a perfect world, would you rather be a boy or a girl?  Or is some kind of non-binary identity what you want?  This isn't about who you have been in the past or the present.  It is about who you want to be in the future.

[CreepyConfusedKid]

I want to be what my heart tells me to be.

I want to be a girl.

But it's all because of religious and social issues that I'm trying to deny it.

I've struggled trying to figure out my sexuality for years and now I've finally found out. But gender is a lot bigger than sexuality to me.

I'm just worried that once I find the gender I'm comfortable with, I might regret it later.

For about 2 weeks I thought I was bigender but changed my mind back to male for some reason. 

The reason I'm hesitant to identify as a specific gender is that I don't want it to change my life completely (I have a phobia of change)

[KathyLauren]

You should see a gender therapist to work on your fears and come to terms with your identity.  Your heart knows the answer, but your fears are holding you back.

 

I totally understand the fear.  It held me back until I was 62 years old.  You are, I think, starting at an earlier age, so you have a better chance of conquering it.  
 

Just consider that accepting a non-binary identity that isn’t what you really want, out of fear, is not much different from staying in the male identity that you don’t want, out of fear.

[ShawnaLeigh]

32 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

You should see a gender therapist to work on your fears and come to terms with your identity.  Your heart knows the answer, but your fears are holding you back.

 

I totally understand the fear.  It held me back until I was 62 years old.  You are, I think, starting at an earlier age, so you have a better chance of conquering it.  
 

Just consider that accepting a non-binary identity that isn’t what you really want, out of fear, is not much different from staying in the male identity that you don’t want, out of fear.

Great advice.

 

Your never to old to reach for the brass ring.  Sometimes its on the other Merry-Go-Round though and you need to get off one and get on another to get to it.  You are who you are in the end and a gender therapist can and will assist you with these questions and choices...

Mine did.

[CreepyConfusedKid]

55 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

You should see a gender therapist

We don't have any here...

 

Many of my friends say I might be genderfluid because my gender usually changes a lot.

Sometimes I think I should be a girl.

Sometimes I think I'm non binary.

Sometimes I think I'm bigender.

And sometimes I'm happy as a boy.

[Emily michelle]

I would suggest a gender therapist I too struggled with my identity since I was a kid but most of that was because I kept trying to deny who I really was. Just take your time and don’t be afraid to talk and ask questions. Eventually you will figure it out.

 

[BrandiBri]

There are gender therapists that do it online or even by phone. For me, I was hesitant to seek help, but it was the best move I made.

I understand the confusion, for me, it came after I began transitioning. The thought that I wasn't a boy because I didn't think or want to act or talk like a boy, but that my body gave me away not being a girl. I identify as female, but I still sometimes wonder...  Imho, I tend to think that we are to some extent genderfluid. This goes for cisgender people as well.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[CreepyConfusedKid]

Hey guys sorry I haven't been online in ages.

I haven't felt dysphoric in a long time but for the past 3 weeks I've been so confused and I think I'm starting to hate my own body.

[Susan R]

39 minutes ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

Hey guys sorry I haven't been online in ages.

I haven't felt dysphoric in a long time but for the past 3 weeks I've been so confused and I think I'm starting to hate my own body.

I hope your doing better. It does seem to come around when you least expect it...and sometimes hangs around much longer than you expected.?

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[CreepyConfusedKid]

I am getting overwhelmed with confusion

 

[CreepyConfusedKid]

I'm still really confused

[Kaltia_Atlas]

Confusion is ok. You dont have to understand it all at once. You just need to breathe and think for a little while. Do some reading. Google can give you lots of information. 

 

Maybe you should look up some gender therapists. Semd them a message and get a consult... It's always worth trying.

 

Hugs ❤️

Kali

[CreepyConfusedKid]

I'm still really confused

[TTheta]

I have a friend who is genderfluid and you sound a lot like them. They go back and forth between pronouns, some days they are more feminine and others more masculine, and sometimes they don't want to be either, or even both! 

 

You don't have to label yourself anytime soon, explore a bit see what you are comfortable with, no one will rush you. If someone tries to, just come get me and I'll throw hands for ya :)) 

[CreepyConfusedKid]

I want to be a girl but... Idk why I feel skeptical.

[CreepyConfusedKid]

To be honest... I have no idea what I want to be...

[TTheta]

1 hour ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I want to be a girl but... Idk why I feel skeptical.

 

1 hour ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

To be honest... I have no idea what I want to be...

Don't rush yourself, but don't lie to yourself either. Explore a bit and find what's best fot you :)) 

[michelle_kitten]

Aidan is right.  Be honest first and don't feel like you need to have an answer now.

 

Here is something you can do to help sort this out.  Start by asking yourself what you fear?  What do you fear transitioning to female.  What do you fear about remaining male?  What do you fear you might lose becoming a girl?  What do you fear you might miss out on or suffer for staying a guy?  This will help you figure out what is holding you back from making a clear choice.

 

Don't stop there, however.  Get more knowledge on what you fear.  Maybe you fear rejection if you transition.  What might really happen if you transition with friends and loved ones?  Find out what others have experienced.  Find out how others have handled the problem.  Then ask yourself which is worse, suffering dysphoria and keeping relationships or relieving dysphoria with transition and risking loss of some relationships?  What ever it is you fear, make sure you have the most realistic idea of what might happen, by getting good advice from wise people and reading what educated people have written.  That way, your fears aren't living in ignorance.  You will know for sure your fears are based in reality.

 

HRT can help with muscle mass and will probably give you greater access to emotion.  There is nothing to help with your voice, but if i can feminize my voice (which is naturally quite deep) then so can you.  You can totally be a girl, if you are willing to do what it takes to become the girl you have in mind.  Some people say fake it until you make it.  Retraining yourself is kind of a fake it until you become it thing.

 

You are stronger than you think.  You can figure this out.  You don't have to have all the answers right now.  You can call yourself gender fluid or NB or whatever until you make a choice.  There is no rule anywhere where you have to pick something at a certain age and stick with it.  If you really need a label, what about 'gender questioning'?  All you need to do is allow yourself to slow down and start getting your thoughts organized and never, never, feel bad about being confused.  I doubt there is anyone else here who hasn't been confused.

 

You got this.

[CreepyConfusedKid]

I feel like a confused potato

[CreepyConfusedKid]

Is it strange that whenever I play an online game as a female character I feel less dysphoria?

[Kaltia_Atlas]

Not strange at all. I have always played female characters on my games. It's always helped me affirm who I am on the inside... Even if I'm not on the outside

[Kian]

On 4/9/2020 at 4:02 AM, CreepyConfusedKid said:

Now here's the problem:
Some times when I feel like a girl, a few minutes later I'll deny it and feel like a boy again.
Sometimes I want to be a girl but sometimes I want to stay a boy.

First thing I want to ask is how long have you been feeling this way? Acceptance of any identity will take time to process, and perhaps you're in the denial phase right now. Instead of thinking that you may be transgender, which is a huge step, experiment with other identities. When I was first questioning, I was a lot like you, where I would deny my feelings of being male and ended up temporarily IDing as genderfluid. For me, that ID was a stepping stone to realize how I truly felt and giving myself that time to process these transgender feelings, and that was what I needed to become comfortable with myself and to not rush myself, or rush into anything.