“The Game”

[Jennifer T]

17 years ago I wrote this. I may have shared it here before. With the impending invasion of Iraq, I was in a funk where internal struggles were only beginning to come to light. I was only beginning to share my heart with a counselor, very tentatively, and the complexities of struggle, whether on the international scene or in a very personal level, were crashing in.

 

There is a ‘triple’ entendre in these 17 couplets that embraces my life.

 

 “The Game”

 

With fevered brow and thoughts of war

Redeeming time, a settled score;

 

Again she calls, panicked and strewn

Her mind tormented, seeking too soon

 

What I cannot give. Yet in her state

Seeks resolution, but can’t abate

 

The childhood games; one up on you,

A repertoire played right on cue.

 

The phone still rings, forlorn at night

I close my eyes, ignore the plight.

 

And yet my heart does yearn to see

Her mind at rest, but can it be?

 

When life deals cards, we each our hand,

And calls to play a final stand

 

It beckons, “call,” as time draws near

and in its wake we loathe, we fear.

 

Knowing full well we cannot see

What we cannot hold or cannot be;

 

That shade of loss, a fearful plight

Someone of flesh of thought and sight

 

Whose vision clears and thoughts dispel;

A game surreal, we seek to quell.

 

I touch the pad; a familiar tone

It softly rings, “Noone at home.”

 

So for this night I lay to rest

Resolve and dread of my own quest.

 

And with the morrow I pray to see

A path more fair, a way to be

 

That light she needs, serene and calm;

And play the game, a reasoned psalm.

 

But with weary heart and wounded soul

And spoken truth my only goal

 

I pen these words, a hope to be

Much more than my soliloquy.

 

-Jennifer T,  March 17, 2003.

 

It wasn’t until October, 2009 that I came out to my wife. It’s been roughly 11 years since then.  My how time has passed.

 

And here I still exist with ‘T’ at the helm. 

 

Today, in light of our world’s current struggle, I find within myself that the old pain still thrives; that I still long to be so much more than I appear to be. But I believe I am doing as I must.

 

I will stay my course

and pray to be

beautiful in eternity.

 

Peace.