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An... unconventional way of looking at things


Benway

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A bit of a long-winded post, but here goes, just please bear with me...

 

So when I was in high school, someone I knew told me it seemed like I was trans. I'd never really thought about it much, but I agreed with him. Over the course of that summer I gradually began to put together a plan to begin transitioning as soon as I could. That was 2005, I graduated high school in 2006 and stopped thinking about being transgender for a very, very long time. 

 

The years went by and I gradually found myself behaving in the manner of a gay man. It took me until 2016 to have any sort of relationship (in this case, a passing fling) with another man because of my self-hatred of my own sexuality. I want to note, I am not a religious person, nor was I raised by a bigot. I hate myself all on my own, there's no religious reason for it there.

 

One day about ten months ago, I woke up and had this weird realization that my life would have made so much more sense had I been born a girl. And for the last ten months, I've been thinking about it on and off, how much I would have preferred to have been a girl. I don't know if this makes me trans, or if it makes me an Ed Gein type where I just think I'm trans. 

 

I don't think I could ever transition, not at my age. I know people of all ages transition, but I think I should have struck while the iron was hot back in 2005-6 and focused on it then. I don't really have dysphoria or anything like that. I do like to wear women's clothing from time to time but it's purely for my own gratification. So I don't know.

 

...sorry if I offended anybody. I don't know all the proper lingo and etiquette when it comes to this, I just have an unconventional way of looking at things. 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Benway.  Welcome.  I moved your post to Introductions where I think it will get more views.  

 

Thank you for sharing your story.  Its never too late to become happy and no I don't think you've offended anyone.  Please join in.

 

Cheers, Jani

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1 hour ago, Benway said:

I don't think I could ever transition, not at my age. I know people of all ages transition, but I think I should have struck while the iron was hot back in 2005-6 and focused on it then. I don't really have dysphoria or anything like that. I do like to wear women's clothing from time to time but it's purely for my own gratification. So I don't know.

Hello Benway, welcome to the forum. It’s nice to have you join us and telling us a little about your journey thus far. The whole transition thing is a bit of a process. There’s a lot of mental processing especially at the beginning.  Right now you are comfortable in your body (thus no dysphoria) so there is no reason to medically change it would seem.

 

My question for you is—What is it that you feel needs changing to rid yourself of this “self-hatred” you mention? Can you be happy with being a casual crossdresser who is gay?  There are likely many individuals out there who find this fulfilling or at least live life without hating themselves. Where is this self hatred coming from specifically?  You don’t need to answer here, of course...I’m asking for your self reflection mainly.

 

If it’s your belief you are doing wrong somehow due to societal indoctrination and propaganda then you may want to do some further research or at least get some gender identity counseling to better understand it. You are a person and have desires like us all. Your desires may not be identical to each of us but they are just as valid and true.

 

Anyways, I can appreciate your reaching out and know how hard it can be revealing a part of yourself. Just know you are not alone.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

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Welcome Benway. I had wished I was born a girl many times. You should seek a gender therapist and talk with them about your feelings. You should not have to feel self hatred about yourself. There is nothing wrong with being transgender nor is there anything wrong with being a cross dresser you have to do what ultimately makes you happy.

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4 hours ago, Susan R said:

Hello Benway, welcome to the forum. It’s nice to have you join us and telling us a little about your journey thus far. The whole transition thing is a bit of a process. There’s a lot of mental processing especially at the beginning.  Right now you are comfortable in your body (thus no dysphoria) so there is no reason to medically change it would seem.

 

My question for you is—What is it that you feel needs changing to rid yourself of this “self-hatred” you mention? Can you be happy with being a casual crossdresser who is gay?  There are likely many individuals out there who find this fulfilling or at least live life without hating themselves. Where is this self hatred coming from specifically?  You don’t need to answer here, of course...I’m asking for your self reflection mainly.

 

If it’s your belief you are doing wrong somehow due to societal indoctrination and propaganda then you may want to do some further research or at least get some gender identity counseling to better understand it. You are a person and have desires like us all. Your desires may not be identical to each of us but they are just as valid and true.

 

Anyways, I can appreciate your reaching out and know how hard it can be revealing a part of yourself. Just know you are not alone.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

Remember the person who I said thought I was trans? He's a source of great pain for me. He's also a homosexual. I never explored my sexuality before I met him (I never had intercourse with him) but he put all these ideas in my head and they were new and exciting at the time and now that I'm older I wish that those doors had remained shut. But he became my worst enemy and it KILLS me knowing that I share a sexual orientation with this person, who, had I never met him, I might not even be aware that I'm a homosexual at all and could have a normal life with a family by now. It makes me sad, because I know it'll never happen. I resent homosexuality as a whole (despite the fact that I'm homosexual) and want it to be taken out of me. I know that sounds really weird, but I'm not one of these newfangled homosexuals born marching in a gay pride parade. One of the therapists I saw specialized in LGBT and was a gay man, and he said that in my case, just in my particular case, being gay was a fetish. And I really agree with him on that. So the question I'm always trying to figure out the answer to is: "How do I get rid of a fetish?" Forgive my abrasive nature but you have to believe me because this is all true. Most people say I'm lying when I tell these stories because they simply can't accept that there's someone who's unhappy being gay.

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2 hours ago, Benway said:

I'm older I wish that those doors had remained shut. But he became my worst enemy and it KILLS me knowing that I share a sexual orientation with this person, who, had I never met him, I might not even be aware that

Hello Benway, I hate to inform you but this person is not likely the reason you are gay. You can blame him every day but in the end it will only reopen the wound. The wound I’m referring to is your belief that his bringing up this topic is the sole reason you are who you are.

 

2 hours ago, Benway said:

I resent homosexuality as a whole (despite the fact that I'm homosexual) and want it to be taken out of me.

I am sorry you feel this way and I can’t assist you in changing your sexuality. I’m a bisexual trans woman and I’m not necessarily proud or unhappy.  I’m simply who I am.  I can’t change who I am inside and will not ever try to again. I spent the better part of 56 years trying to change the inner me and it just can’t be done.  Acceptance of yourself is the first step to healing. No one forced this on you. It’s not a disease that spreads on contact. This information would have likely made its way to you at some other point during your life.  It is up to you, what you do with that information. It’s called free will.

 

I wish you luck. You’re on a very difficult path with many potholes. I hope you find your way home.  It’s a long road my friend.

 

Susan R?

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Hi Benway,

Its understandable to self hate and sabatoge yourself. Its easier to cast blame at society, or in this case an individual rather than face up to your own fears, your own choices. I get all that, in fact my old yahoo email address was ndenial. I was unhappy for so long, until I finally admitted to myself that it was me who made these choices. I was never gay, I was bisexual and prefered women for relationships. Now who is fooling who, obviously I am gay but its amazing the symantics you can claim isnt it. Happily now I am transitioning, I finally know who I am, the point being you have to decide who you are and accept yourself. Whether that person is gay, hetrosexual, a man, a woman, gender nonconforming the choice as always will be yours. I hope you find your path and can be happy with whoever you choose to be.

Hugs Traci Lynn

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Ben way welcome aboard!

I'm not certain it's possible for another person to "make" you gay. Seeds don't sprout and grow when planted on bare rock, only when planted in fertile soil.

Like you, I wish I had transitioned back when I would have made an attractive woman instead of waiting until I was 70 years old.

I spent years hating and fearing my sexuality, hiding and running from my desires and my nature. In the end all we can be is ourselves.

TA

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Hi Benway,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

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13 hours ago, Susan R said:

Hello Benway, I hate to inform you but this person is not likely the reason you are gay. You can blame him every day but in the end it will only reopen the wound. The wound I’m referring to is your belief that his bringing up this topic is the sole reason you are who you are.

 

I am sorry you feel this way and I can’t assist you in changing your sexuality. I’m a bisexual trans woman and I’m not necessarily proud or unhappy.  I’m simply who I am.  I can’t change who I am inside and will not ever try to again. I spent the better part of 56 years trying to change the inner me and it just can’t be done.  Acceptance of yourself is the first step to healing. No one forced this on you. It’s not a disease that spreads on contact. This information would have likely made its way to you at some other point during your life.  It is up to you, what you do with that information. It’s called free will.

 

I wish you luck. You’re on a very difficult path with many potholes. I hope you find your way home.  It’s a long road my friend.

 

Susan R?

Susan said it best.  I feel this is truth and describes many folks in your same position.

Accepting the inner truth of who you are is the first step.

For most the hardest step of all.

It was for me too even though I knew the truth I fought it tooth and nail my whole life.  Four Decades of struggle.

It did not go well for me at all and I made myself miserable and hurt so many people in the process.  For me a mental break down was my final trigger and I use trigger as the gun in my mouth was NOT the final trigger.  I sought help and I am now so happy to just be me.  Yes I have struggle and hard times just like anyone who is transgender but I am at least facing it as my true self.  I love Me.

 

It may not be what your desired outcome is and as far as anything being to late that's just nonsense.  Unless you are dead and buried its never to late.

 

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Thanks for all the input everybody. I think my current therapist said it best when she said that I hate being a gay man so much that I'd rather live as a straight woman. So that certainly gives me something to think about.

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It's on my mind again. That desire to be the opposite sex. I don't just want a different gender, I want a different life, one where things turned out differently. I imagine my soul as being female and my mind and body as being male. I wonder if in some parallel universe, somewhere out there I am exactly what I want to be? I cannot say for sure, but if my spirit is female, then I suppose that there's hope. Like I said, I don't think I could ever transition and from what I understand a lot of transgender people don't transition at all-- there's a certain dichotomy here which I cannot shake but I know that it's a part of me, one that has lurked silently in the back of my mind for fifteen years or so. 

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Good morning Benway.

It's certainly important to listen carefully to your feelings, to the wishes you hope for.

As to pounding all this into a labelled box, like a square peg into a round hole, I'm not so convinced that is the best answer.

As long as you are questioning anyway, and have pushed past the bounds of male/female dichotomy consider letting yourself find your own place, call it the box labelled "me".

I have an approach to dealing with things when I feel stuck and frustrated with my life. I just kind of throw everything up into the wind then watch where it lands. Okay, not literally. It's a way of stepping back and letting things in my life find their own place and priority. Sometimes it's enough to know that how you are is how you are, without worrying so much about what you or others call it.

《《《 hugs 》》》

TA

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Hi Benway,

 

Welcome!  All the women who have commented before me, have made some really great points, so I won't rehash any of them.  You keep making a point that you cannot transition.  Not knowing the reason, I wonder if feeling as though you can't transition, you are somehow undermining your happiness.  Often, when we want something but deny it, it adversely affects us.  

 

Of course, transition may not be your solution.  There are other ways to fulfill your trans nature without feeling the pressure to fully transition.  Maybe an effective way for you to explore your feelings and determine what makes you happy, is to try being a woman on a full-time (but temporary basis).  This way, you see if being a woman is what is going to make you happy, and if it doesn't, you'll know it is something else that's driving you.

 

My other recommendation is to do your best to try and keep your sexuality and your gender identity separate.  They aren't really the same.  That said, it is possible, conceivable even, that you are gay and trans.  I think the important thing though, is to try and sort through being gay and being trans as separate issues.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

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Hi Benway, pleased to meet you. I always thought in binary - one's and zeroes, things were either one way or the other alhough life rarely is.

Sally's advice is a good starting place for you, don't worry about being gay or straight, or male or female just yet. Tht is looking for an answer before you really know what the question is.

 

Ultimately from your first post it sounds like your ideal would be to get to a place where you do not hate yourself.

 

Start small, remove the sexual element and try dressing for no other reason than to wear ladies clothes and see how you feel - I ended up ordering different clothes because the ones I had bought in the past before throwing them out were not designed to be worn for doing actual chores, or reading a book, playing online whatever... How do you feel in normal female clothes - do you like yourself more or less than when you do the same thing in your male clothes or about the same? 

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Sensei Mark came to the front of the room, before the big American and Japanese flags. Between them was a picture.  "I am honored to introduce to you Sensei Bob.  He is a second Dan black belt.  He has actually beaten me in tournaments.  I have known him through tournaments.  You will listen to him as you listen to me.   Sensei Bob, take the class. The two sensei bowed to each other.  Sensei Bob pointed out that Sensei Mark had beaten him, as well. Taylor was sort of standing against the back wall, scrunched up, a mouse in her crisp new beltless gi.  Her t-shirt was off white underneath it and she was hoping no one would notice. "I am Sensei Mark. You are Taylor." "Yes, sensei!" she stood at attention and shouted it. He laughed.  "This is not Cobra Kai and we are not in a Karate Kind movie.  You do that here only between bows.  Bob tells me you are a complete beginner." "That is an understatement." "Here, let me fix your gi."  She had it on a little incorrectly.  She drew back. "What's the matter?" "I am pretty touchy." "Okay.  Untie the straps in front and tie them the other way, like mine." "I don't have a belt." "There. That is right. You will get a belt after three months and passing tests on kata, kumite and karate knowledge." "I don't know what that is." "And we touch a lot here.  Not romantically. You see how Sensei Bob is going around and adjusting people's stances and arm locations." "Yes, I see that." No enthusiasm. "You are Sensei Bob's girl, right?" "Yes.  What is important to him is important to me, so here I am."  He wished her well and told her to go see Margie, who handled registration at the little table. "Hi, I heard about you." Margie began. "What does that mean?" "It means we treat everyone here with respect.  That was the wrong way to start." "I'll say. Try again." "Good morning. How can I help you?" "I want to register for the beginner class." "You are Taylor, right?" "Right." "Sensei Bob paid for your lesson today." He would. She gave name, address, age, height, weight, and they came to gender. Margie asked it twice. "Put down female." "The only other choice is male." "Then that is it." "Earlier I was thinking about tournaments, which are big here. The rules are that boys fight boys and girls fight girls - there are Men's and Women's Divisions.  I know you look like a woman, but they go by the birth certificate." This was awkward.  Really awkward.  Down at the other end of the room they were moving in unison when Bob said HAI!, turning, punching, kicking, etc. "I don't plan to go to tournaments.  One step at a time, shall we?" "Okay.  And I meant it when I said respect.  We bow to each other.  You will see. As a sign of honoring other people." Margie bowed slightly, sitting down.  Taylor returned the bow and smiled. The class moved into sparring, breaking into twos and practicing moves against each other.  Bob was moving among the pairs, adjusting positions of hands, hips, feet.  Taylor was unsure about someone touching her like that, her hips particularly.    The green belt class ended as new students came in for the beginners' class. Down at the other end the brown belt class began.  The room was large enough you could do two classes at the same time.   The other beginners, nervous, lined up at Margie's table.  People got into gis, the men in their big area and only woman in the little restroom that was for them.   Sensei Mark greeted them and showed them where to stand: on the little x's on the floor. He explained the School Code.  They would recite it at the beginning of class and they needed to memorize it for the white belt test, at which time they would, of course, receive a white belt. He explained some terms.    They warmed up with some basic, easy stretches.   They learned a kata called Taikyoku Shodan, involving blocks, punches and some movements. This was not bad.   She was now paired off with Judy.  Things were going well and this was not too bad. Judy was sixty years old and had been told to exercise by her doctor.  Taylor said her boyfriend was teaching the other class, which was impressive, and he wanted her involved.   "You remember the gedan barai - downward block?"  They did. Everyone showed him and he went around and made sure everyone had it down. "And the lunge punch?"  They did. "Now we are going to put them together. One of you will punch and the other block it. Okay?"   Taylor squared off against Judy.  Her heart was pounding.  She practiced her gedan barai as Judy practiced her lower lunge punch.  Then they faced each other. "Okay, first partner, lunge punch.  Second partner, lower block.  Slowly.  Go!" Taylor saw the punch coming at her, but instead of blocking it her eyes welled up with tears and she dropped to the floor, weeping uncontrollably. "Oh God, Oh, God, Oh God, make it stop, make it stop" she shouted to parties unseen. Fetal position, rocking back and forth. Crying hysterically. "I didn't go near her," Judy said, bewildered. "Taylor?"  this was Sensei Bob.  Both classes had stopped and were looking at her. She kept crying. "I am here, "Bob told her, not touching.  "Oh Bob you need a wife who can be a real woman to you. I am making you into a monk or something." And she continued crying at full volume. "You need someone better than me, someone who can give you kids." Everyone could hear this.  They were turning away, trying to pretend they could not hear this. "I need to get her out of here and take her." Bob said, and he and Mark bowed to each other. He scooped her up and she bawled into his shoulder.  She clung to him.  First hug ever. Death grip, more like it. "Judy, would you get her things?" "I did nothing," Judy said, and moved towards the restroom, stunned.  "Nothing." "I know what she was wearing," Margie said, and got them. "I've got a gym bag. It 's red and it says Roosters on it. Can you get it? Mark got it.  He accompanied them to the car.  Taylor was non-stop crying deeply, clinging to him for dear life. Mark unlocked the car and together they managed to pry Taylor off of him, even though it took both of them to do it.  She was in the car seat and they managed to buckle her in it. "I am going to take you to your apartment," he said. "No. Emergency room," she said. "Maybe the psych ward."  He didn't doubt it. She calmed down in a few minutes on the way. "Well, that was embarrassing." "Everyone remembers their first day of karate class." "Bob, what I love about you is your sense of humor." "I love everything about you." "Even this?" "Yes. Even this." She managed to walk into the ER.  They were both still in gis. "Karate accident?" "No. I am Taylor and I am a nut. I wear a gi all the time. I make my boyfriend wear one, too." "She had a triggered event.  She's had some difficult times." "I see. Do you you know are bleeding?" "No."  Her crotch was wet with blood and the blood was seeping down both legs. She was wheeled away. "Sir, please wait here." He did.  He had no legal right to see her right now. After a while a nurse came out and said he could come on  back. There she was in a hospital gown.  "Seems like old times." "yeah.  We gotta stop meeting like this." The nurse buzzed around and left them. "They are running tests." "I bet they are." "I got an MRI. On a Saturday morning, too."  First ever. "You rate.  But why?" "They figure some of the old scar tissue - you know, from the- from the past - ripped open and they need to see what is going on." "We know what is going on,"said a doctor, stepping in. He looked at her. "I am Doctor Michaels.  They called me in.  I just happened to be in the building and they wanted me to see this and take the case.  My specialty is Disorders of Sexual Development. But what I am seeing is little in the way of disorder.  Look at this." They looked at the image. "This is a perfectly ordinary uterus." "Uterus?" "Yes, your uterus." "What?" "That is not all.  This is a cervix, and this is a vagina." "It's blocked up." "Yes.  It looks like you had surgery to do exactly that when you were an infant.  They used to do that." "This is me?" "You." "Really?" "I imagine this takes some getting used to. "Can it be undone?" "Absolutely. I mean, I cannot guarantee it, but it is more than likely. I would like to run some tests." "And the bleeding?" "It looks like the hormones you have been taking have kicked of a regular monthly cycle. Then you did a whole bunch of exercise.  Not surprising." "What?" "I want you to come to my office next week for follow-up.  Have you ever had a genetic test of any sort?" "No." "Well, your testes - one looks at first glance more like an ovary." "Ovary. Can I have kids?" "Too soon to tell.  You look happy." She did.  "Bob, you look stunned." "I am." "Given what happened earlier today we want to keep you overnight for observation.  I understand you are a trauma victim and something triggered it." "I got a punch thrown at me in kara-tay class, is all. I am a wimp." "Well, I will let you two talk for a minute and they will come and get you shortly.  No bad news here." "They are coming to take me away, hah-hah, they are coming to take me away," Taylor chanted. "Bob, I am not done with kara-tay.  I want to at least finish a first class. I mean, you paid for it and I want you to get your money's worth." "I think I got that." "Kiss me, you fool,"  she said, and he did, with energy.        
    • April Marie
      These arrived in yesterday's mail. I'm out working in the yard today so just old clothes. I'm looking forward to wearing this t-shirt dress when the weather warms up a bit more.  
    • missyjo
      Ashley I've known busty girls who wore b nice bras tl work n such then like a sift sports bra to lounge or sleep in hugs
    • missyjo
      your nails b hair came wonderful  congratulations  enjoy
    • Willow
      The one thing about this position, if you want more hours just wait and be flexible.  I’m now working until 7:30 pm instead of 4:30.  
    • Ashley0616
      I hope your head cold goes away soon! Sorry you have to cut grass with that.   Love the new t-shirt   I love that one.    What Jeep would you want to get? That is awesome about your wife getting better!
    • Ashley0616
      Welcome Mattie! I would recommend the first step is finding a gender therapist and see if you are or aren't. Then one of the biggest steps if you are do you want to start hormone replacement therapy. The decision should be thought long and hard. There are irreversible effects. Looking forward to your next post! Take care!
    • Ashley0616
      Congratulations on being able to pick up a cancellation! I hope to hear more updates about your transition. 
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