Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Coming Out


Ella Mae

Recommended Posts

Hi...

 

this is a huge step for me...I don’t know how to do this...I don’t even know if I dare saying it out loud...but I have been carrying a burden since I was 5 or 6 years old. Now I’m pushing 50. 
 

My life has been on and off of depression and anxiety for many of those years. Filled with shame and fearing that someone would find out. Doing my thing where no one would ever get to know. Buying stuff, and putting it in the trash the week thereafter.

 

When I was 5, or maybe 6, I knew something was wrong with me. I have a memory of thinking what would things be like if I was a girl. I pictured myself wearing dresses. I knew it was not mainstream thinking like that, I knew I had to keep it a secret. Years went by and when I found women’s clothing I did everything I possibly could to find a chance to be putting them on. No one knew. I think. 
 

When I got older I was in and out of this, and at times I thought I was cured. 
 

In my late 20s or early 30s I started putting my thoughts down in writing, just to shred it immediately after. I was so down and out I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was writing stuff where I was a woman, I was making drawings of myself as a woman and I created an account on the internet where I could interact with people being a woman. No one ever suspected that I wasn’t a female. It came naturally to me. Of course, I had to decline whenever someone wanted to get to know me better. But it was sure better than nothing. I think this was what kept my sanity and even my life safe. Just being treated like a woman by others. I even made female friends. We had so much fun. 
 

Then I met my wife. I thought I was cured again. I wasn’t. I continued my life as a woman on the internet, and I knew I had to start wearing female clothing or I would go crazy. It sucks writing this, but I have to. I can’t take this anymore. 
 

I knew I had to tell my wife. But how? One night, after some red wine, I managed to find courage to tell her. She took it better than I thought. She wasn’t thrilled about it, but she didn’t get hysterical or anything. The following days she was going from being angry to being okay and back again. I couldn’t blame her. It must have been terrible. 
 

At first she was very protective of her clothes and makeup. I’m only 2” taller than her, so we can switch clothing easily. But after some time she let me borrow her things. She encouraged me to it. 
 

As the years passed, she changed her ways and became more and more accepting of me. I have today no doubt that she fully understands and accept me.

 

But what my wife can’t get to comprehend is that this isn’t just about me and her. She thinks everything is okay if she and I are okay with it. But there’s kinfolks, work, kids, church to consider too. I would love to live my life in a way where I can be Ella whenever I want, maybe even on full time, but society won’t let that happen. We’re smack in the middle of the Bible Belt, and folks around here thinks being transgender will bring you straight to the lake of fire...as goes for anyone accepting transgenders.

 

 I know that I one day will have to move, but that day hasn’t come as of now. 
 

I will write more later. Writing this made me feel exhausted.

 

Best wishes, Ella

Link to comment

Welcome Ella Mae.  My own story is a lot like yours - the allowing yourself to be you for a moment then purging, the hiding who you are.  i totally relate. You will find that to be true of many of us.  You will find lots of support here.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome, Ella!

 

I was in a very similar position to you.  The shame, the buying, dressing, purging.  Like you, I thought I was cured when I got married.  But the urge to dress again got so strong that I knew something had to change.  My wife, luckily for me, was understanding right from day one.  However, she got there, you are lucky to have your wife's support now.

 

Being out in public is actually less scary in reality than it tends to be in our imaginations.  I won't deny that you have reason to be concerned in a "Bible belt" area, but the reality may be less dire than you think now. 

 

I live in a rural area, in a community that has less than 300  people spread over a large area.  The people are farmers, fishermen and hillbillies, all redneck-y and religious.  I feared the worst, and had plans to move if things went poorly.  Almost exactly three years ago, I stood up at the weekly community coffee gathering and announced that I was transitioning.  Henceforth, I would appreciate being referred to as she/her/Kathy, and I would be living as a woman.  I got a few surprised looks, but more importantly, I got expressions of support.  I have been full-time since then, and I have not had a single negative experience.  I suppose some people probably talk about me behind my back, but never to my face.

 

I am not going to promise that it will be the same for you.  Obviously, you have to consider your safety, and should plan accordingly.  But over and over again, I hear similar stories: that it might not be as bad as we imagine.

 

I would encourage you to seek out a gender therapist to discuss your goals and to plan how to achieve them.

 

Regards,

Kathy

Link to comment

I just want to be Ella. I am Ella. I don’t want to make a fuss about it either. I just want to blend in as an ordinary girl. I know it’s not possible, but that’s what I’m wishing for. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Ella and welcome.  Thank you for sharing your story.  You are not too different than many of us.  Please join in the conversation.  We'd love to hear from you.

 

Jani

Link to comment

I have a lot of mixed feelings stocked up over decades. It’s a whirl storm right now. The pressure that has been building up over years has finally started to subside. 
 

I still don’t know where to go from here. I have suppressed Ella over so many years that I don’t know what she wants. I have been afraid of letting her take space, mainly because I have been scared of her intentions. Maybe she wants it all, and I am not ready for that...or my surroundings isn’t. I don’t know if I am. I know one thing. If I let her get a week, my life will never be the same again. Then what? This scares me. Anyone else experienced the fear of what the girl inside is capable of?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I felt the opposite fear.  I looked ahead 25-30 years to see what my life would be like.  I'd be in my mid to late 80s, likely in my final years.  I realized that, if I didn't transition, my life would be so dark and bleak that I knew I wouldn't be able to stand it.  I have never been suicidal, but that look into the future showed me that I could not guarantee to stay that way.  I was terrified of not transitioning.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
5 hours ago, Ella Mae said:

When I got older I was in and out of this, and at times I thought I was cured. 
 

In my late 20s or early 30s I started putting my thoughts down in writing, just to shred it immediately after.

Welcome Ella Mae, it is a pleasure to meet you. We share many experiences in our early journey through life. The quote of yours above is just one example you mention. I never really ever mentioned writing my thoughts down but sometimes I felt compelled to do it just to collect all my thoughts after a specific trigger or event. I would usually keep my writings until the next purge. On that note...It always seemed crazy to me that when I would purge, at that moment in time, I really believed, with all my heart, it was going to be my very last purge. Of course, I would again repeat those steps all over again in the not too distant future. does any of that ring true with you?

 

4 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Being out in public is actually less scary in reality than it tends to be in our imaginations.  I won't deny that you have reason to be concerned in a "Bible belt" area, but the reality may be less dire than you think now. 

This is so true.  In our minds, we visualize everyone knowing instantly that we’re out in public crossdressed and their focus is on nothing but us.  In reality it’s usually just the opposite.

 

5 hours ago, Ella Mae said:

As the years passed, she changed her ways and became more and more accepting of me. I have today no doubt that she fully understands and accept me.

 

But what my wife can’t get to comprehend is that this isn’t just about me and her. She thinks everything is okay if she and I are okay with it.

You’ll sooner or later have to communicate this to her. You two need to be on the same page so that your stress about it is reduced and she can actually begin to process the idea. It’s a lot to process so if you decide to move forward in your transition and she agrees that you should, be cautious and take it slow with her.  Pushing too much too fast is almost a guarantee for some pull back from your wife.  Her knowing you’re moving forward and actually seeing you do it are very different things.  I only mention this because I found it to be true in my relationship with my wife and have many trans women friends who have experienced this tug of war in their transition.  Eventually, you’ll get there...but make sure you’re standing there standing next to your wife when you arrive.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

Link to comment
46 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

I felt the opposite fear.  I looked ahead 25-30 years to see what my life would be like.  I'd be in my mid to late 80s, likely in my final years.  I realized that, if I didn't transition, my life would be so dark and bleak that I knew I wouldn't be able to stand it.  I have never been suicidal, but that look into the future showed me that I could not guarantee to stay that way.  I was terrified of not transitioning.


I can totally relate to that.

 

Seeing myself as an old person, who has been living the big lie, I don’t know if I can handle it. Or even the thought of it. 
 

Im turning 50 come fall, and I have already wasted many years of my life to this. 
 

I have a daily struggle not to act like a woman. It’s tough. It’s exhausting. It’s devastating. 
 

I wish I had the guts to come totally clean with the entire town, but I haven’t. 
 

I haven’t...

 

How much wouldn’t I give for people to call me Ella...
 

Love, Ella

 

 

 

 

Link to comment

Yesterday was a roller coaster ride. My emotions went crazy and I wrote some crazy stuff. I was planning on taking it easy, but once I got started there was no stopping me. I am relieved for doing that too, because now it’s done, it’s done:) 

 

 I’m feeling better now, and I hope to engage in the convos here in a good way from now on.

 

 

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   8 Members, 0 Anonymous, 111 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • Ashley0616
    • MaeBe
    • KathyLauren
    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • Jet McCartney
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • Stefi
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,940
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Raelyn
    Newest Member
    Raelyn
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Oh my!  I guess it just goes to show how different tastes can be. Since we don't live near the ocean, Seafood is a rare luxury. We absolutely love pickled herring! Especially my husband and my GF, I guess it's a Ferman/Russian cultural thing.  But most of the kids like it too, and a jar wouldn't last in the pantry for long 😆
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I think the key to that is just not minding eating the same thing repeatedly. Since we produce a lot of our own food here, we end up eating what is in season at the moment. So, when the yellow squash is ripening, we end up fixing squash 20 different ways. When the strawberries are ready, we eat lots of strawberries. It's kind of a different mindset to eat in season when it has become such a part of American culture but the grocery store has everything we want all the time. Like grapes in December.  My family does even things out a little bit by having a greenhouse so we have some fresh things in the winter, but it's not a 100% fix.
    • KathyLauren
      My brothers and I had to eat what was on the plate.  All of it, and nothing else.  Pickiness was not tolerated.  Some of our least favourite were liver and onions, sauerkraut, and especially rollmops (pickled herring).  We finally protested enough to persuade our mother not to serve rollmops, though she kept a jar in the pantry for years afterwards, as a threat if we didn't behave.
    • Carolyn Marie
      I'll go first.  My favorite team is the Yankees.  Loved them since I was a kid.  I was born in NYC so, yeah.  I know everyone loves to hate them, and that's OK.  I just love baseball in general.  It's a game of traditions, strategy, power, grace and skill.   Play Ball!!  ⚾   Carolyn Marie
    • Ashley0616
      I guess you do have a good point. It's just hard to try and not have the same meals over and over again. 
    • Willow
      Hi   I’ll weigh in on being picky about food.  Yes, and I was brought up that way.  We didn’t have to eat everything our parents ate.  They had a number of things they ate that they figured we wouldn’t eat, an acquired taste things or one or the other didn’t like them too.   even as an adult there are many things I won’t eat.  In my defense, there are different things my wife won’t eat.   the weird thing is that after being in E, my tastes have changed.  Sweet, sour, salty or bland, if I eat or drink too much of any one thing and I have to counter act it.   Willow
    • Ashley0616
      I have shared my doses and levels a lot and no one has said anything. Yeah I put alarms on my phone to make sure I don't miss a dose. I tend to forget a lot of stuff on what needs to be done. I have been also using the calendar on my phone a lot. I missed an appointment because I didn't put it in my calendar. 
    • Ashley0616
      Feeling better than I did yesterday
    • MaeBe
      It's official. My doctor wants me retested after the last results (too high). The test, that she scheduled, was likely too close to the dose. She did tell me to keep the increased dose instead of reverting to my old one, probably because my "too high" wasn't that high. I don't know what the forum's stance is on results, knowing full well the rules against sharing dosage, so I'll keep those under wraps until I know if it's OK to share those. Less to say, it was over the range she feels comfortable with by about 50%, but taken a day earlier than the midpoint value she was expecting. Grains of salt everywhere!   Of course I messed everything up too, missing my dose for the first time, yesterday. I had to re-reschedule the lab I setup yesterday to Monday from Saturday after taking my shot this morning to avoid the same issue with the testing. I woke up and thought, "Thursday, what do I have to do for work today? OH -crap-, IT'S THURSDAY! I missed my shot yesterday!"   Anyhoo. Question for the ladies: does anyone else get a mild zen-like high after their shots/doses? My brain feels lighter and I'm happier and I feel a lot more girlie this morning. 💃
    • MaeBe
      I'm into my fourth month of HRT and just titrated up in dosage after my last checkup. This is my life. 🤭   I have yet to grow out of my B cup bras, but I have noticed more fullness, having started with gynecomastia. I am seeing less gapping in bras with my right breast, which has always been smaller than my left. My areolae are slightly pronounced/projected now, that are larger but not vastly greater in circumference, and I have noticed little to no nipple changes beyond their painful sensitivity.
    • Ashley0616
      @Ivy that is a great point! Great post!
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      -It's not a sprint it's an endurance.  -It won't happen overnight. -Seek a gender therapist. -You might lose a lot of support but hang in there. If they truly loved and cared about you they would stay. -Retail therapy helps and plus it builds your wardrobe and shoes. -Makeup is an artwork. It takes lots of practice to do it right and watch YouTube videos on how to put it on or someone who is knowledgeable. -You are going to have roller coaster emotions so don't rush anything. 
    • Ivy
    • Ashley0616
      thrilled:  :extremely pleased and excited

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...