New to Trans Pulse, liking it a lot.

[Rikki99292]

My story is probably very typical, as an older male I began to realize there was a lot about being male that I was not comfortable with and/or able to accept.  I was searching for balance between my male Y chromosome and my female X.  I had been wearing female underwear for years for comfort but hadn't gone any further.  I was on the swim team in HS and college wearing Speedos while tucked and certainly saw a lot of other guys doing the same.  I got married for the second time about 17 years ago, took me a while to show my wife how I looked in tight panties tucked but she was OK with it.  After a halloween costume party with friends, two of us dressed as female, I realized my bra felt really good.  Gave me a safe feeling if that makes any sense?  I wear one often now and do have C cup breasts that are natural.  Dressing feels good and more authentic than my everyday older male balding mode.  I have been surprised to find out how many people cross dress and of course realize women can dress any way they want to and not be considered cross dressing.  If men wear a skirt they have stepped over the line, at least in the midwest.  I have a therapist that is also a psychic; talking to her about it she didn't feel it was a huge thing just me looking for M-F balance.  Not real socially acceptable to cross dress but nothing wrong with it at all.  She looked at me from a psychic perspective and saw that I had been born with a uterus that is attached to my prostate, not unusual but large.  She also saw my body has plenty of estrogen but no testosterone.  She said I had had a vaginal opening that had been sewn shut just after birth, probably without anyone's permission.  She told me I probably in this life I may not been all that comfortable having a penis.  She suggested I embrace the female side when I can and enjoy the feeling and clothing and wear some jewelry.  I was a little shook up for a while and happened to have a doctors appt. coming up.  I had been having some pain in my left testicle and I mentioned that to the doc.  She sent me for an ultrasound.  Do I need to tell you the results?  They found a large uterus attached to my prostate. The urologist told me I probably had a procedure before I left the hospital to close it.  In the 1950s they would have routinely done that without authorization.  I also have a wide pelvis which was causing some of the pain.  The urologist told me I was basically female but that he was looking at my penis and testicles.  Odd to find out this late in life.  In further conversations with my psychic she has assured me it's not an accident and to use it to further my soul's plan in this life.  I have had professional makeup done with a nice photo shoot a few times now. Several images I think are very authentic showing the real person I am.  I look at them often.  I feel I have much to learn and know I must be careful in our culture today.  Rikki

 

 

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums Rikki, we do speak Intersex here. Having both prostate and a crypto uterus at the same time is rare but not unheard of.  The important thing is that you are coming into harmony with your body and your feelings of who you are.  Read, write and enjoy yourself here. 

[KathyLauren]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Rikki!  This is a great place to explore yourself.

 

That is quite the story you have!  Typical in many ways, at least externally, but your inner story is fairly unique.  I wish you good luck in exploring who you are and who you want to be.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Rikki.  Thanks so much for sharing your story.  I know many here will relate.  Please enjoy looking around, posting and asking questions.  We specialize in good answers.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Maid In Bedlam]

Welcome to Transpulse Rikki.

 

 I wouldnt say your story is typical. Its unique to your circumstances. But it is very interesting, I will be most intrigued to read your input into the rich tapestry of what the forum provides.

 

I assume the actual diagnoisis is Persistent Müllerian duct syndrome?

 

I have researched somewhat into Intesex conditions previously as you may be able to tell ?

 

I look forwald to your posts.

 

MIB

 

 

 

 

[Oh_Kay]

Hi Rikki,

 

Your story is fascinating! I would consider the uterus and wide pelvis a gift! My mother wanted a girl and I believe that I took on that energy and identity in the womb. I fought the feelings most of my life. When I finally accepted myself, my life changed for the better. What my mother gave me was a wonderful gift!

 

Thank you for sharing

 

Kay

[Rikki99292]

That is really interesting to me, tell me more?  My parents already had two girls and I know they really wanted a boy. Thank you for saying it was a gift, I like thinking that way. 

[Emily michelle]

Welcome to trans pulse Rikki!

[Oh_Kay]

Hi Rikki, 

 

I'm at work and normally busy, but I'm waiting for a manager to make a decision, so I got some time to try and answer

 

I was the youngest of 3 boys. My mom wanted a girl. As I said, I believe I took on that energy in the womb. In my family males were expected to lift weights, play football, not show emotions. I tried to fit that role. Although I always felt in tune with others emotions and sensitive. As a teen, I started having dreams at night that I was a girl. The dreams made me feel like something was wrong with me and part of me liked the dreams. But it started an internal war in me. I kept trying to live my family role. Fast forward, I lived through some dark storms. But I have engaged in counseling, self help, meditation and it seems like it all has come together and ended my internal war. As I accepted my true self, my inner feminine spirit unfolded and came out. It has changed my entire life. Like a spiritual awakening. It's my life force. I can't transition for personal reasons, but I live my life thru my feminine spirit and feminize my body where I can. I am married to a very accepting and understanding wife which helps.

 

Kay

[Oh_Kay]

Sorry, I forgot to add this to the above.

 

I wanted to comment on my avatar. A very dear friend introduced me to Face App. My avatar is a picture of me that was run thru the app with the gender switch. I have printed out my female picture on photograph paper. When I look at this picture of me, I feel like I am looking at my soul. It's hard for me to put the feeling into words. Along the lines of spiritual!

 

Kay

[Rikki99292]

Hi, In regards to the Persistent Müllerian duct syndrome.  I did not get that diagnosis. My testes dropped in my sac but they very easily go back in.  I have noticed many men at my gym that have testes the really hang.  Mine do not, they really do not hang at all.  I do have two children but had a very low sperm count.  In the time I spent recently with my urologist I only got him to discuss the ultrasound after I asked him to put his pen down and talk off the record.  He made it clear I would be better off with this not being on my record.  He said 5% of men have some vestige of a uterus attached to their prostate and of them about 5% have a large one.  The tech that did the ultrasound acted like she had found something but of course couldn't discuss with me.  The pain I had last summer on the left testicle went away for no apparent reason.  I just feel now like I have extra parts.  Any comments are appreciated.

[Rikki99292]

Oh_Kay, love what you wrote "When I look at this picture of me, I feel like I am looking at my soul. It's hard for me to put the feeling into words. Along the lines of spiritual!"  

 

Exactly how I felt when I got a few shots from a professional session back.  The real me, finally I could see how I actually feel.