Why should I answer?

[Robin_Yates]

So today my family had family photos taken. While I convinced my parents to not make me wear the dresses my sisters and mom were wearing (probably only changed my dads mind because he knows I won’t shave) I obviously still had to take pictures with the girls. Later on when my little sister asked why I couldn’t take a picture with the guys my mother said it was because I wasn’t “physically” a boy. And then she proceeded to bring up that I will do what they ask me to. Then she said, “Of course she’ll always be her daddy’s little girl. Won’t you (dead name)?” I asked her why I should give her a response to that. I don’t expect much but they make it a point to make sure I know they will never support me like that. How do I even deal with that?

[TTheta]

Hm. Sounds like a pretty messed up situation that I see all too often, I am sorry you have to go through this :(( 

 

You will always have us to support you here! Also you don't get to choose your family, but your friends are the family you do get to choose, so keep that in mind, find some supportive friends :))  

[Jackie C.]

Seconded. A supportive found family is ever so much better than the one you were born into. I just wish I'd realized that earlier in life instead of trying to appease the toxic batch I got saddled with.

 

For dealing with your birth family. Set boundaries when you can. "I will do X and Y for you, but Z is out of the question." Someone who actually respects you will also respect reasonable boundaries. Unfortunately, not all parents respect their children. Parents that don't respect their children's boundaries only get seen at family gatherings where you mostly talk to the siblings you actually came to see or, in extreme cases, they get cut loose entirely. You don't have to put up with their abuse just because they're "blood."

 

Hugs!

[Robin_Yates]

2 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

You don't have to put up with their abuse just because they're "blood."

 

Funny enough I’m not actually blood but that’s a whole other story and doesn’t matter to us. When I went off to college I found a bunch of people and I have friends I talk to that see me as I am but it’s hard to be around them during quarantine. Sometimes I feel like they do take advantage of the fact of they know I can’t say no. I feel like I haven’t defended myself enough ever in my life for them to actually think anything different. It’s just hard being the person that’s going to rollover and do whatever they tell me.

[StrainAsylum]

On 4/23/2020 at 3:24 AM, Aidan5 said:

 You don't get to choose your family, but your friends are the family you do get to choose...

 

Nathan, I hope things work out for you and am glad that you have friends.  I hope some of them are the friends you deserve ♥ Your true friends will stand by you even when you're scared and cranky and sad, and will listen when you need to talk.  I hope you have some of those.

 

Nathan, have you tried simply acting as if it were EXPECTED that you be in the "guys'" pictures, etc?  Not waiting to be invited to do so or whatever?  

 

You don't get to choose your family, but your friends are the family you do get to choose...

 

Thank heavens for that.  My "found family" is my best friend of 40+ yrs (and his girlfriend) and brother.  As far as they are concerned, we are 3 brothers, which makes me really happy.  "Our" dad just passed less than a year ago, which was heartbreaking; they insisted I sit with family at the funeral (since I am, they said).

 

My blood family lives in Virginia (mostly) and are all very conservative and religious.  They are first cousins (my mother & their father and our grandparents have all passed) and their kids.  I honestly do NOT know how to come out as a trans man to them.  Partly because of the physical distance and partly because of the emotional distance.  My FAVORITE cousins are from my grandmother's side; Chip is GM's nephew (and his wife & kids).  Chip was always like a big brother, though he LOOKS like Santa Claus   THEY are the ones I am TRULY worried about telling.  They helped me out SO much when I first became disabled...I'll pay them back, but I'll never be able to REALLY pay them back, if you know what I mean?  They are also conservative, but not evangelical.

 

Does anyone know how to come out as a trans man to them?  Anyone have any suggestions on how to come out with distance an issue?

[TrIIIy]

On 5/1/2020 at 4:42 PM, StrainAsylum said:

Does anyone know how to come out as a trans man to them?  Anyone have any suggestions on how to come out with distance an issue?

I find that a handwritten letter is a good way to come out to people far away. You can make as many rough drafts as you want until you can say exactly what you want to say. (There is a thread somewhere on the forum specifically about coming out letters. I don’t remember where though.)