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By Abigail Genevieve · Posted
Tuesday night. They had a quick supper together at a fast food place. Bob went off to teach karate and Taylor locked herself inside her apartment and worked on her hiring plan. First the web site problem. The two guys who ran it were self-taught and knew little. It currently had three pages, the Home page, the About page and the Contact page, She asked them to work with Karen in terms of redesigning it and she needed three designs to show Gibbs tomorrow. The problem was three fold: the two guys and Karen. Millville was a small town and all three were relatives of members of the Board. Millville, Millvale. She was doing it. People here called it either way, sometimes in the space of a few seconds. She thought it was Millville. All three had complained about the work, because the two boys regarded it as done and untouchable, even though they actually had not worked on it at all for months. Like a number of people, they showed up and collected generous pay checks and did nothing. She had looked at a number of websites and she had been told the company wanted one both internal and external customers could log into. Her chief difficulty at the moment there was that there was very little content. She decided to send the three complainers out tomorrow to take numerous pictures of the thirty acres Or was it forty? No one seemed to care. She cared, because she needed to get it right. She debated outsourcing the website to a company, but first she needed something to outsource, and before then she needed to decide whether to keep these people. She didn't need to mess with them. So she decided to recommend they hire an experienced website developer with management skills. Would such a person come to Millville? The schools were good, because the company had poured money into them, and the streets were well paved. The company had bought all the abandoned houses and maintained them, hoping someday they would be filled again. Millville was crime-free. People did not lock their doors. Neighborly. Very conservative, but in a good way. Hard working, ethical, honest. Maybe the Chinese money was corrupting the town? Not sure. So she thought they would hire someone, even if it were a remote position. She would rather have them here, but she would take what she would get. That would move the website out of her hair. Secondly, she needed an effective presenter. She could not do all these presentations herself. She had natural talent but a lot could be passed on. She needed another Mary and another Brenda, or their understudies, effective hardworking people. Bob. Was he okay with this? He said she was Management. Was that a problem? And she was now earning a ridiculous salary, which she put down to company dysfunction more than anything she had done. Was that a problem? She was not sure. He was highly competitive and he had that male ego. She did not. A feeling of guilt rose. Her therapist had brought up her feelings of guilt about not making Dad's expectations, never being the man Dad wanted her to be. She never could, and this physical evidence backed that up. What would the doctor say? She thought about it, and that her therapist said she needed to find a sexual assault survivor's group more than a transgender group right now. Was there one here? She thought about serving in a women's shelter. There was one here, oddly enough connected to the church they had visited. That F on her drivers' license would help. She was waiting until after she talked to the doctor again to move on that stuff. Was Bob really buying 160 acres near the old air strip on speculation? Much of the land around Millville had been for sale for a long time. That land was being offered at a dollar an acre, the owners having inherited it and now living out of state. Common knowledge. They would take the first offer, and it had been for sale since the airstrip closed twenty years ago. Airstrip. That would help. Not tonight. Focus, girl, she told herself, and read over her notes to do so, which were making less sense the further down she went. It was eleven, and she gave up and went to bed. -
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By Abigail Genevieve · Posted
Thanks. What I do as a man is what a woman would do if she were a man. There is just something feminine about the way I act as a man. It's not that being a woman is actually better, or something to aspire to, but it is just that I am one, while not being one. If beating my head bloody to get rid off this stupid dysphoria would fix it I would find the nearest wall, but I know that if I did that, when I woke up, it would still be there. If I did not have this struggle I would be someone else and I would be less of a person than I am. They say an oak tree growing in an open field is far stronger than one in a forest. The storms come and go and I stand. This forum is the first time I have interacted with other people struggling with the same struggle and parallel struggles. It helps. -
By Ashley0616 · Posted
I'm sorry! :( Hopefully something better will come up -
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By Sally Stone · Posted
That's me too, Mae. I don't think it's me as much as it is the camera (that's my story anyway). Cameras hate me. I never met one that liked me. I often wish I was photogenic; sadly, not so much. However, you look terrific in that selfie! -
By Sally Stone · Posted
April, I'm so glad things went well when you came out to your spouse. So often, things can go sideways. It's a hurdle we all have to jump at some point. -
By violet r · Posted
I totally understand what you just said. I can relate to this very well. I have a lot.of similar feelings. -
By KymmieL · Posted
Well it is a no go for the new position. OH, well. nothing ventured nothing gained. Kymmie -
By Davie · Posted
Dickey Betts, the singer, songwriter, and guitarist of the Allman Brothers Band whose piercing solos, beloved songs and hell-raising spirit defined the band and Southern rock in general, died Thursday morning 04/18/2024 at the age of 80. Rest in peace... -
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By April Marie · Posted
What an amazing life you've shared with your wife. I can understand the trepidation you had at telling her at that point in your relationship but it certainly saved all of the guilt, the questioning and the secrecy that would have filled your lives had you not. I'm on the other end of the spectrum having denied and buried my truth for decades and fast approaching 50 years of marriage when the dysphoria and depression finally came to critical mass and I unloaded it all on a New Year's Day morning. As you might imagine, it led to a lot of questions, of questioning everything, of anger and hurt on my wife's part. Guilt, embarrassment, fear...and anything else you can imagine on my part. Thankfully, our love for each other has always been the foundation of our relationship and, ultimately, we both agreed that staying together was what we both wanted. It was a tough year but, now into the 2d since my coming out, we've hit our stride and are exploring this new norm in our life. I do so love your blog. -
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By Abigail Genevieve · Posted
I thought I would try my version of this. Changes in bold. I am Transgender. Sometimes it is remote, sometimes close. Sometimes I am euphoric, sometimes depressed. It is something I cannot get away from and cannot welcome enough. I see some things both ways that neither men as men see or women as women see. I can be gentle and compassionate and hard as nails. I was born with male genitals but a female heart I have my heart. Whatever it is. When I look at a female, I wish I looked like her Depends on the woman. When I look at a male, I wish I did not look like him Ditto. I envy female movements, softness, behaviors, appearances, fashion...EVERYTHING Female Depends. Sometimes I get angry at them because women spend time and energy in ways men don't. It is not necessarily bad. I could do without the gossip. Not all women gossip. Excessive focus on fashion is something I find annoying. And expensive. I tolerate all things male out of social obligation...not because I feel like a man or because it makes me happy....but because that's what I was forced to believe was my only choice....beginning in early childhood. Sometimes it is helpful to put on the Iron Man suit and act accordingly. But I have seen some tough women. When I look at myself in the mirror in only bra and panties...I can see my nude female body...and it makes me smile and feel amazing and warm inside....yet sad because that is not my reality. I could go either way, mostly. Really. In tests in the last two years technicians have gone really quiet when they see how little body and leg hair I have. I looked at myself this morning. Remove a few clues and a girl is standing there. When I look at myself in the mirror in only boxers...I can see my nude male body and it saddens me deeply and makes me feel sick and depressed...and at times...even ashamed....Because this IS my reality. At this point I am not going to do that. In the mood I am in I might break the mirror. My true gender does not influence my sexual interests or preferences...or change who I am....in any form or fashion. Gender identity is in no way connected to anything sexually related on any level. Not sure I want to make that statement so categorically. Life as a male leaves me with a feeling that something is off...that something is missing...that something is not as it should have been. Well put. The idea of having to continue living as a male...as someone I am not...for the rest of my life...even if its only part time...causes great sadness and anxiety within myself. I've got priorities beyond this that this must fit into. The idea of living as the girl I am and always have been on a full time basis...regardless of where I am, what I am doing or who I am around...brings me great joy, happiness and a sense of peace within myself. Would be neat. Looking like and living as a girl makes me smile. Would be neat. There are downsides. Looking like and living as a guy makes me sad. I have had lots of practice accepting this. I am Transgender....I am a girl
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