Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Being My Authentic Self


Tessa

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 74
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Tessa

    37

  • BrandiBri

    4

  • Astrid

    4

  • ToniTone

    4

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

7 hours ago, Tessa said:

I know inside I’m a woman.

With that knowledge comes the power to live the way you have been wanting to live. No one should or can tell you how to live your life. 

 

7 hours ago, Tessa said:

I am Tessa!

You go girl!!

 

Hugs from my fortress in Lincoln,

Brandi

Link to comment

Today is another milestone for me. I now am officially Tessa at my job! My email is now changed and my profile. I was sending emails to customers under my old name and presenting Tessa. This was confusing them. Now I don’t have to go that. Recently bought 3 mini skirts and I think I look fabulous in them! It’s not about passing for me it’s about feeling like yourself. I’m not on hormones and sex reassignment may not be in my future. However being Tessa is an amazing feeling! I am so glad my work has supported me in this change. When I go back to Gap (retail job on furlough) this will be another major step. I don’t see myself wearing dresses and skirts there but once Tessa is out I won’t have to make excuses for buying girl items. Gap sells some awesome girl clothes! Moving forward. 
 

Love 

 

Tess❤️

Link to comment

I am working on this lonely feeling. I really want someone special in my life! At this point I’m not desperate but it will be hard to meet someone that understands me. Maybe I’m doomed to be single the rest of my life. 
 

Being my authentic self I have been having feelings toward guys. Maybe this is the girl I’m me wanting to be hugged and kissed. I really just want someone who will love me. 
 

I search for the normal inside. The normal seems to be totally girl but my male side questions how I feel. Mainly the male side intimidates the female side and says no one will like me. It really does no good to my self esteem. I know how I feel and I shouldn’t doubt it. 
 

Tessa 

Link to comment

Today was at my mom’s. She says she won’t judge me and that God won’t either. However, she tells me I need to embrace being male. I told her you don’t know how I feel unless it happens to you. I told her to think of something you love to do and it’s taken from you. She brought up her private time. I told her if you didn’t have that how would you feel? This is how I would feel if I was forced to embrace fully being male. My step dad tells me this is the easy way. Easy? This is far from easy. He then gives me some dictionary meanings of being female. 
 

effem’inate: To grow womanish or weak; to melt into weakness. In a slothful peace courage. 
 

This is the dictionary version. Woman are not weak. We are strong and courageous! 
 

So. I am seeking some free counseling soon. I need to get a professional on my case. Why won’t these feelings go away? Can I just shut them off? So many questions. Seeking answers. 
 

Tessa. 

 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Tessa said:

Why won’t these feelings go away? Can I just shut them off?

 

A good answer is simply the title of Dr. Anne Lauren Koch's book: "It Never Goes Away: Gender Transition at a Mature Age".

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

Link to comment

I took a walk today. I put on my ear phones and walked to a bridge over the highway. I looked at the cars ad they drove past me. As people we are always moving but are we getting anywhere?  I danced up on the bridge but did anyone see me? I even waived to the people below but no one waived back. They most likely didn’t notice me on the bridge.  So many people don’t see us but that doesn’t mean we aren’t beautiful. So many people will not care but that doesn’t mean we stop caring. I don’t know where this journey will lead me perhaps it will lead me back to being a male. Either way I have to face my demons and accept my angels. I feel I’m in the middle of the bridge in my life. I’m to far now to go back but not yet ready to move forward. I won’t jump because I want to get to the other side. For now. I’ll sit in the middle. Watch people and help who I can. It’s ok to not know where to go. Eventually though I’ll have to get up. I faced a lot of my demons already. (Ex wife, divorce, family, finances, loss of jobs...one that I have to face is loneliness and rejection. These are my 2 biggest dragons. For now though they are kept at bay while I sit here enjoying the break but like I said I will have to get up soon...

 

Tessa 

 

Link to comment

Today I had my first counseling session. It was short but went well. We talked about me wanting to be a Tessa. She told me do I want to be Tessa part time or full time? Also where do I see myself in 5 years? Big questions here. We’re going to talk again on May 28th. I hope to have her some answers by then. 
 

Today I did my nails. I’m trying to get better at it. I’ve remained Tessa on the phone with customers and most respect me as female but some still call me Sir. When someone calls me Mam it makes me feel good but when they say sir it’s a downer. I do correct them. My peers now are calling me her and Tessa. I work at home online and my name has changed so everyone sees me as a Tessa. 
 

My woman wardrobe is getting bigger. I recently added 3 mini skirts and some dresses to it. A new pantie set and some woman’s shirts and bras. I wear the panties everyday but not the bras. I’m growing out my hair as best I can. I am moving forward with small steps into what my counselor says a better version of me. 

Love 

 

Tessa

 

image.jpg

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

That's great Tessa, 

I'm having a FaceTime session tomorrow at 10:00am. I'm as excited as a little girl on Christmas Eve. I can't wait to say "Hello my name is Mindy". 

 

>HUGS<

 

Mmindy???

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

My life isn’t fully Tessa yet and maybe never will be? What I’m looking for is a meaningful life that matters. I want to be able to love myself and others. Loving myself seems to be the hardest thing. 

 

Some days I really feel the woman inside me and other days I feel un-capable of being her because she is not authentic enough. Then I go into questioning myself why I feel the way I do. 
 

Today I felt like Tessa. I had on a mini skirt. Bra, panties...The whole works. I had to take it all off though when I saw my kids tonight. I love being their Dad but dressing up in front of them I’m not ready for. 
 

Now. As I go to bed. I will put on a nightgown and sleep. Tomorrow I will dress up as Tessa again and be her over the phone. End of night when I don’t see my kids gets super lonely. I try to watch a movie but end up sleeping. 
 

Trying to make peace with inner self. 
 

Tess

Link to comment

Oh Tess. Keep doing what you're doing, what makes you happy. Love yourself, take care of yourself. Just know the clothes aren't what make you Tessa. You are! 

 

Last summer, I, as much as possible, wore frilly skirts and flip flops, and tight, showy tanktops, and accessories and makeup all the time. Was very validating. Still is quite frankly. But it was cold this past winter, my work schedule increased (and has a tight dress code), and I moved to a more dangerous neighborhood. I still dress and present casually fem full time. Capris instead of skirts when I leave the house. Makeup about half the time. But I still realize I'm the woman I am when I leave the house, however I dress. It's intrinsic now. It's just who I am, and I have found peace in that. 

 

You're lovely just the way you are ?

 

~Toni

Link to comment

Thanks for that Toni. That’s what I try to tell myself and have been trying for years. I am very talented but my talents go unnoticed because none of them have ever been taken seriously. I write, color beautiful pics, take photos, have 2 degrees Bachelors/Associates. 
 

I wanted to be a teacher but couldn’t get through student teaching. So I got a Bachelors in Science and Educational Studies. I love to teach. All this and I’m stuck in a 9 to 5 collections job. I know I should be happy I have a job. 
 

I get out and use my camera. I write on an app my stories (Chapters) in fact enrolled one story in contest for 1000.00 dollars. I’m great with the people on the phones. My job let’s me present as Tessa to customers. So I’m using my talents just not to the full extent my mind wants me to. 
 

My problem is my family will not accept Tessa and that’s a fact. It’s ok though. I will never be able to fully see myself as Tessa until I refuse the other person. That’s the scary part. I can’t seem to let that other hurt person go which is why I’m stuck. 
 

I’m afraid the world won’t accept her. However, in many arenas it already has! I’m just not convinced of it. My job and I have 1 friend who will embrace her. Everyone on this site is nice and loving. 
 

My struggle is not so much a gender one. It’s finding the true authentic person inside that happens at this time to present more female than male. I don’t want to make people or obligate people to accept someone else I want them to see it’s always been me. 
 

I feel I have a long road ahead. But I’m further than I’ve ever been. (Lorf of The Rings) Sam says this when they step out of the Shire. I just have to keep searching and not give up on myself and know that I matter. 
 

Tess. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Tessa, a therapist might be able to help you move forward with your life and accepting your true self, I know mine has. Your insurance might even cover visits and tele-presence therapy is totally a thing so you don't have to leave the house. I know my therapist's business is entirely on-line and through phone calls. It might help you to look into your options.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
18 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

@Tessa, a therapist might be able to help you move forward with your life and accepting your true self, I know mine has. Your insurance might even cover visits and tele-presence therapy is totally a thing so you don't have to leave the house. I know my therapist's business is entirely on-line and through phone calls. It might help you to look into your options.

 

Hugs!

I actually have taken that step. My company provides 4 free visits. I actually will be talking to her tonight. My friend called me last night but he continually calls me bro and My male name. I should have corrected him but I didn’t. He is going to call this evening. He was on break from work. I will correct him this time because it does bother me. 
 

At work most customers over the phone will respect me as a man as I say in the beginning Tessa. Even if I don’t most connect me to female.

 

Patience with myself is what I have to have. 
 

Tess 

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

Been awhile since I’ve posted. Life seems to be an endless race with turns. Some turns are easier than others. You may get a straight away for awhile but you know a turn is coming. It’s how you take the turn and where that turns you to that matters. 
 

One hard turn was divorce. I thought that turn would never end. It did. But where it turned is now my focus. I lived for her. Gave her everything including my identity. Now I’m searching to find my authentic self. 
 

Am I afraid of myself? It’s one thing to feel scared what people will think but another to be scared to be the real you! The person you were meant to be regardless what others say. 
 

So here I am sitting on my patio in a mini skirt watching fireworks all around me. It’s dark so no one can see me. Am I ashamed to be seen? What makes others lives more important then mine? 
 

My turn away from my ex has led me to find something very special! The woman that hides behind my beautiful blue eyes! Who is she? Why won’t she just go away? 
 

I’ve made a turn and for the first time colored my nails gold and I also bought pink. I normally only use clear. I did my toe nails to. I’ll share a pic. This is a turn. No one has ever come against me when I’m out in public but I know the day will come. I want to be ready with what I will say when it does. I’m not brave enough to wear a dress or mini skirt in public. However I will sit out on my patrol in a mini skirt. I will drive in a mini skirt but have jeans to change into when I get out of the car. It’s sad I have to do this. For now it’s a step. Every step lead somewhere. 
 

Looking at all the colors of fireworks should remind us all of how different we all are! 
 

thanks for reading. 
 

Tessa 
 

 

image.jpg

Link to comment

Love the gold color, Tessa! Add in the glittery aspect of it plus matching your ring, and it's a great look ? ?

 

Hugs, 

 

Astrid 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Tessa Lovely nails! The gold stands out very well. I’ll bet you’ll receive many compliments on them too. What a nice way to treat yourself and feel a little more feminine to boot.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

Link to comment
17 hours ago, KayC said:

I like your nails, @Tessa!  You have beautiful hands❣️

Was thinking the same thing!

Link to comment

I will soon start working at my retail job. I’m already Tessa at my bank job. I told my retail manager I also want to be Tessa. Now I’m out at both jobs plus my apt complex managers know. I got a hair cut more shaped like a girls. The man who did my hair cut now knows to. I hate wearing shorts because of my skinny hairless legs. I shave them but very little hair grows anyway. I have been brave wearing my mini skirts in my car and on my patio. Why is being authentic so important? Why can’t I just not worry and let people think what they want. If I was in my dream world I would wear mini skirts and dresses and all woman’s apparel all the time. Doing my nails was huge for me! 
 

Tessa

Link to comment

Today I’m feeling really girly! Wearing one of my favorite sundresses! I’m sitting at my desk at home and I recently decorated it. It is my little place secret from the office but still a part of the office. I do love working at home for the very fact it gives me freedom to express myself without being judged. But I’ve never had trouble at work. They all know me as Tessa but I haven’t come in in a dress or anything like that. If I had it my way I would be in woman’s clothes all the time! Dresses, mini skirts, cute tops and shoes! 
 

However at this time in my life I’m not there yet. The part that bothers me the most is my facial hair and height. In the ideal situation I would have the money and support to become a full woman but that isn’t the case and I’m not sure even if that would be what I need. 
 

I have to accept who I am and move out of the judgement phase and move into the “I am beautiful” phase. Who you are is unchangeable but how you express who you are is changeable. You can love who you are or hate yourself. I’m choosing to love who I am and find ways to express that to myself and others. Focusing on my physical features that are most womanly. 
 

Blue Eyes, Brown Hair, skinny body, nice legs, beautiful hands (Been told this on this app), beautiful finger nails (Many compliments from this app and complete strangers) personality (biggest one!) it screams a sweet, innocent, kindhearted woman. 

 

How far will I go is yet to be seen but it’s not how far I go it’s how much I accept myself. The journey to self acceptance is a long hard one but a purposeful one. 
 

Love to all! 
 

Tessa 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 98 Guests (See full list)

    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • VickySGV
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,020
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Tami
    Newest Member
    Tami
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bebhar
      Bebhar
      (41 years old)
    2. caelensmom
      caelensmom
      (40 years old)
    3. Jani
      Jani
      (70 years old)
    4. Jessicapitts
      Jessicapitts
      (37 years old)
    5. klb046
      klb046
      (30 years old)
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      You make some good points, AYS.  But there are usually already too many ballot propositions each election, so the proponents know it's best to wrap it all up into a nice package.  Plus, it's easier for the signature gatherers.  Otherwise they have to have a separate clipboard for each proposition.  Too much paperwork, dontcha know?   This kind of proposition is a loser in CA, so the only possible way the proponents can succeed is to give it the scariest title imaginable and try to put one over on the voters before they get wise.  Bottom line; an ice cube on a hot summer sidewalk has a better chance of success.   Carolyn Marie
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Reading that article, it seems like the attorney general gets to call it whatever unless its an outright lie.  Given the nature of politics in CA, it seems like one side has the bully pulpit for sure.  Labeling it "Restricts Rights" vs "Protects Kids" is very much a matter of perspective.  Unfortunately, that matters since many voters don't bother to read.  Perhaps a better (unbiased) way to handle it would be to simply give the ballot measure a number with no title, forcing folks to read it.    I think it would have been better to handle the various issues covered by the ballot measure separately, rather than all at once.  For example, issues relating to disclosure of medical and social information to parents.  That could be its own ballot measure, rather than lumped in with everything else.  Besides, shorter and more succinct measures are more likely to be read completely. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://calmatters.org/education/k-12-education/2024/04/trans-youth/     Yup, the existing title sound perfectly appropriate and accurate to me, too.   Carolyn Marie
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Seen my hrt specialist this morning and nothing but good news,estrogen levels looked good.Boyfriend was with me and I admit he has been learning well about my transition showing his support.Our relationship is going great and we both see each other much happier now.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      This reminded me of an individual who, due to child sexual abuse, lived as a woman for 15 years, detransitioned and noisily insists that all trans people have his story.  His name comes up fairly often because it fits the narrative.   I don't know that anyone actually has been railroaded.  People may say it, they may look back at what happened and decide that happened.  It's a he said / she said, but it feeds a narrative that is useful for those who are already convinced that trans people are abuse victims first and foremost.  That the detransition rate is so low tells me that railroading is not actually a problem, and I regret giving the impression that I thought it was.  That so few detransition is a success story.   What is pertitent at heart is that people hear and believe all the stories out there, and the story we have to tell is not heard, because TG folk are, after all, untrustworthy in their view and unworthy of an audience.  Somehow it needs to get out there as to what the real situation is. 
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      I'm not saying that Christianity is wrong but at the same time there were more than 30,000 changes to it. The Bible doesn't state anything against transgender. The only point that can be proven by them is that people are giving into their desire. 1 John 2:15-17 ESV "Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever." I would love to challenge them by asking who watches a movie, reads books, and listens to music that isn't Christian based because then they would be guilty as well. 1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV "So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Probably not a single hand would still stand that they don't participate in everything they do gives glory to God. "
    • VickySGV
      My neighboring state got lucky a couple years ago. 
    • VickySGV
      https://www.wpath.org/soc8   I had been looking for this to respond to a member and could not find it .  Pinning it for now.
    • VickySGV
      @Abigail GenevieveSomewhere in the Forums here, we have a link to the World Professional Association for Transgender Health's Standards Of Care, now at revision 8 but it is available in plenty of places.   https://www.wpath.org/soc8.    These are the canons for the allied medical fields that deal with Trans people and are the guidance for those professionals.  I personally know members of the Association and have toyed with the idea of becoming an associate member since I am not a medical professional but because I like to keep on top of what is going on medically.  There are a number of Trans people who think they are overly oppressive as far as the gatekeeping goes, but the medical / psychological profession members who follow these guidelines for there patients WILL NOT be forcing their patients into unneeded or harmful surgery or medications.  I read my first pitiful and heart-rending  "detransitioning" story 60 years ago when I snuck a tabloid newspaper behind a comic book down at the neighborhood convenience store when I was 16 years old and reading it off the rack which should have been adult only.  I am afraid that it was the first thing I ever read that told me about Trans and Transsexual people, it would be another 30 years before I actually figured out my own story.  The story I later found out, was NOT written by a Trans person, but a well known Porn scribbler who wrote many fantastic and gory stories about what he thought Trans people were.  We are not anything like his imagination, but he was a "press agent" for Trans people of the time.  We do have some well known and noisy, negative view Detransitioners who have been found to have gone to multiple psychologists and lied their way Transitioning, one of the most infamous actually hid Dissociative Identity Disorder, right therapist wrong Identity that was being counseled.  It is a messy story.  The public, like my first encounter, was NOT getting their information from the scientific journals of the time, they were getting it from Adult Entertainment and Tabloids   We need to be careful of where we get some of our ideas from. Evidence is good that the person at the heart of this thread gets most of his information from us from the slanted and non-scientific sources most people get theirs.   OOPs, I( may have sent this off track here, but but but.    
    • Ivy
    • Ashley0616
      Yet another failed attempt. Glad to know that we are more important than education or health care to them.
    • Mmindy
      I agree with you.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Well said, and I agree @VickySGV   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Ashley0616
      Well the VA tried setting me up with another appointment with laser even though they won't cover it? This just doesn't make sense. Back to the waiting game on electrolysis. I'm in a area that doesn't do much of that. There is one place that covers face only. There is another one that looks like they do it in their home. Other than that it's it for nearby. I don't think they are wanting to do it due to how expensive it's going to be. Typical VA stuff dragging their feet. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...