Being My Authentic Self

[Lexi C]

congrat's Beautiful...

[BrandiBri]

7 hours ago, Tessa said:

I know inside I’m a woman.

With that knowledge comes the power to live the way you have been wanting to live. No one should or can tell you how to live your life. 

 

7 hours ago, Tessa said:

I am Tessa!

You go girl!!

 

Hugs from my fortress in Lincoln,

Brandi

[Tessa]

Today is another milestone for me. I now am officially Tessa at my job! My email is now changed and my profile. I was sending emails to customers under my old name and presenting Tessa. This was confusing them. Now I don’t have to go that. Recently bought 3 mini skirts and I think I look fabulous in them! It’s not about passing for me it’s about feeling like yourself. I’m not on hormones and sex reassignment may not be in my future. However being Tessa is an amazing feeling! I am so glad my work has supported me in this change. When I go back to Gap (retail job on furlough) this will be another major step. I don’t see myself wearing dresses and skirts there but once Tessa is out I won’t have to make excuses for buying girl items. Gap sells some awesome girl clothes! Moving forward. 
 

Love 

 

Tess❤️

[Tessa]

I am working on this lonely feeling. I really want someone special in my life! At this point I’m not desperate but it will be hard to meet someone that understands me. Maybe I’m doomed to be single the rest of my life. 
 

Being my authentic self I have been having feelings toward guys. Maybe this is the girl I’m me wanting to be hugged and kissed. I really just want someone who will love me. 
 

I search for the normal inside. The normal seems to be totally girl but my male side questions how I feel. Mainly the male side intimidates the female side and says no one will like me. It really does no good to my self esteem. I know how I feel and I shouldn’t doubt it. 
 

Tessa 

[Tessa]

Today was at my mom’s. She says she won’t judge me and that God won’t either. However, she tells me I need to embrace being male. I told her you don’t know how I feel unless it happens to you. I told her to think of something you love to do and it’s taken from you. She brought up her private time. I told her if you didn’t have that how would you feel? This is how I would feel if I was forced to embrace fully being male. My step dad tells me this is the easy way. Easy? This is far from easy. He then gives me some dictionary meanings of being female. 
 

effem’inate: To grow womanish or weak; to melt into weakness. In a slothful peace courage. 
 

This is the dictionary version. Woman are not weak. We are strong and courageous! 
 

So. I am seeking some free counseling soon. I need to get a professional on my case. Why won’t these feelings go away? Can I just shut them off? So many questions. Seeking answers. 
 

Tessa. 

 

[Astrid]

1 hour ago, Tessa said:

Why won’t these feelings go away? Can I just shut them off?

 

A good answer is simply the title of Dr. Anne Lauren Koch's book: "It Never Goes Away: Gender Transition at a Mature Age".

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

[Tessa]

I took a walk today. I put on my ear phones and walked to a bridge over the highway. I looked at the cars ad they drove past me. As people we are always moving but are we getting anywhere?  I danced up on the bridge but did anyone see me? I even waived to the people below but no one waived back. They most likely didn’t notice me on the bridge.  So many people don’t see us but that doesn’t mean we aren’t beautiful. So many people will not care but that doesn’t mean we stop caring. I don’t know where this journey will lead me perhaps it will lead me back to being a male. Either way I have to face my demons and accept my angels. I feel I’m in the middle of the bridge in my life. I’m to far now to go back but not yet ready to move forward. I won’t jump because I want to get to the other side. For now. I’ll sit in the middle. Watch people and help who I can. It’s ok to not know where to go. Eventually though I’ll have to get up. I faced a lot of my demons already. (Ex wife, divorce, family, finances, loss of jobs...one that I have to face is loneliness and rejection. These are my 2 biggest dragons. For now though they are kept at bay while I sit here enjoying the break but like I said I will have to get up soon...

 

Tessa 

 

[Tessa]

Today I had my first counseling session. It was short but went well. We talked about me wanting to be a Tessa. She told me do I want to be Tessa part time or full time? Also where do I see myself in 5 years? Big questions here. We’re going to talk again on May 28th. I hope to have her some answers by then. 
 

Today I did my nails. I’m trying to get better at it. I’ve remained Tessa on the phone with customers and most respect me as female but some still call me Sir. When someone calls me Mam it makes me feel good but when they say sir it’s a downer. I do correct them. My peers now are calling me her and Tessa. I work at home online and my name has changed so everyone sees me as a Tessa. 
 

My woman wardrobe is getting bigger. I recently added 3 mini skirts and some dresses to it. A new pantie set and some woman’s shirts and bras. I wear the panties everyday but not the bras. I’m growing out my hair as best I can. I am moving forward with small steps into what my counselor says a better version of me. 

Love 

 

Tessa

 

[Mmindy]

That's great Tessa, 

I'm having a FaceTime session tomorrow at 10:00am. I'm as excited as a little girl on Christmas Eve. I can't wait to say "Hello my name is Mindy". 

 

>HUGS<

 

Mmindy???

[Tessa]

My life isn’t fully Tessa yet and maybe never will be? What I’m looking for is a meaningful life that matters. I want to be able to love myself and others. Loving myself seems to be the hardest thing. 

 

Some days I really feel the woman inside me and other days I feel un-capable of being her because she is not authentic enough. Then I go into questioning myself why I feel the way I do. 
 

Today I felt like Tessa. I had on a mini skirt. Bra, panties...The whole works. I had to take it all off though when I saw my kids tonight. I love being their Dad but dressing up in front of them I’m not ready for. 
 

Now. As I go to bed. I will put on a nightgown and sleep. Tomorrow I will dress up as Tessa again and be her over the phone. End of night when I don’t see my kids gets super lonely. I try to watch a movie but end up sleeping. 
 

Trying to make peace with inner self. 
 

Tess

[ToniTone]

Oh Tess. Keep doing what you're doing, what makes you happy. Love yourself, take care of yourself. Just know the clothes aren't what make you Tessa. You are! 

 

Last summer, I, as much as possible, wore frilly skirts and flip flops, and tight, showy tanktops, and accessories and makeup all the time. Was very validating. Still is quite frankly. But it was cold this past winter, my work schedule increased (and has a tight dress code), and I moved to a more dangerous neighborhood. I still dress and present casually fem full time. Capris instead of skirts when I leave the house. Makeup about half the time. But I still realize I'm the woman I am when I leave the house, however I dress. It's intrinsic now. It's just who I am, and I have found peace in that. 

 

You're lovely just the way you are ?

 

~Toni

[Tessa]

Thanks for that Toni. That’s what I try to tell myself and have been trying for years. I am very talented but my talents go unnoticed because none of them have ever been taken seriously. I write, color beautiful pics, take photos, have 2 degrees Bachelors/Associates. 
 

I wanted to be a teacher but couldn’t get through student teaching. So I got a Bachelors in Science and Educational Studies. I love to teach. All this and I’m stuck in a 9 to 5 collections job. I know I should be happy I have a job. 
 

I get out and use my camera. I write on an app my stories (Chapters) in fact enrolled one story in contest for 1000.00 dollars. I’m great with the people on the phones. My job let’s me present as Tessa to customers. So I’m using my talents just not to the full extent my mind wants me to. 
 

My problem is my family will not accept Tessa and that’s a fact. It’s ok though. I will never be able to fully see myself as Tessa until I refuse the other person. That’s the scary part. I can’t seem to let that other hurt person go which is why I’m stuck. 
 

I’m afraid the world won’t accept her. However, in many arenas it already has! I’m just not convinced of it. My job and I have 1 friend who will embrace her. Everyone on this site is nice and loving. 
 

My struggle is not so much a gender one. It’s finding the true authentic person inside that happens at this time to present more female than male. I don’t want to make people or obligate people to accept someone else I want them to see it’s always been me. 
 

I feel I have a long road ahead. But I’m further than I’ve ever been. (Lorf of The Rings) Sam says this when they step out of the Shire. I just have to keep searching and not give up on myself and know that I matter. 
 

Tess. 

[Jackie C.]

@Tessa, a therapist might be able to help you move forward with your life and accepting your true self, I know mine has. Your insurance might even cover visits and tele-presence therapy is totally a thing so you don't have to leave the house. I know my therapist's business is entirely on-line and through phone calls. It might help you to look into your options.

 

Hugs!

[Tessa]

18 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

@Tessa, a therapist might be able to help you move forward with your life and accepting your true self, I know mine has. Your insurance might even cover visits and tele-presence therapy is totally a thing so you don't have to leave the house. I know my therapist's business is entirely on-line and through phone calls. It might help you to look into your options.

 

Hugs!

I actually have taken that step. My company provides 4 free visits. I actually will be talking to her tonight. My friend called me last night but he continually calls me bro and My male name. I should have corrected him but I didn’t. He is going to call this evening. He was on break from work. I will correct him this time because it does bother me. 
 

At work most customers over the phone will respect me as a man as I say in the beginning Tessa. Even if I don’t most connect me to female.

 

Patience with myself is what I have to have. 
 

Tess 

[Tessa]

Been awhile since I’ve posted. Life seems to be an endless race with turns. Some turns are easier than others. You may get a straight away for awhile but you know a turn is coming. It’s how you take the turn and where that turns you to that matters. 
 

One hard turn was divorce. I thought that turn would never end. It did. But where it turned is now my focus. I lived for her. Gave her everything including my identity. Now I’m searching to find my authentic self. 
 

Am I afraid of myself? It’s one thing to feel scared what people will think but another to be scared to be the real you! The person you were meant to be regardless what others say. 
 

So here I am sitting on my patio in a mini skirt watching fireworks all around me. It’s dark so no one can see me. Am I ashamed to be seen? What makes others lives more important then mine? 
 

My turn away from my ex has led me to find something very special! The woman that hides behind my beautiful blue eyes! Who is she? Why won’t she just go away? 
 

I’ve made a turn and for the first time colored my nails gold and I also bought pink. I normally only use clear. I did my toe nails to. I’ll share a pic. This is a turn. No one has ever come against me when I’m out in public but I know the day will come. I want to be ready with what I will say when it does. I’m not brave enough to wear a dress or mini skirt in public. However I will sit out on my patrol in a mini skirt. I will drive in a mini skirt but have jeans to change into when I get out of the car. It’s sad I have to do this. For now it’s a step. Every step lead somewhere. 
 

Looking at all the colors of fireworks should remind us all of how different we all are! 
 

thanks for reading. 
 

Tessa 
 

 

[Tessa]

Here is the toe nail pic

[Astrid]

Love the gold color, Tessa! Add in the glittery aspect of it plus matching your ring, and it's a great look ? ?

 

Hugs, 

 

Astrid 

[Susan R]

@Tessa Lovely nails! The gold stands out very well. I’ll bet you’ll receive many compliments on them too. What a nice way to treat yourself and feel a little more feminine to boot.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[KayC]

I like your nails, @Tessa!  You have beautiful hands❣️

[Tessa]

16 hours ago, KayC said:

I like your nails, @Tessa!  You have beautiful hands❣️

Thanks! 

[Tori M]

17 hours ago, KayC said:

I like your nails, @Tessa!  You have beautiful hands❣️

Was thinking the same thing!

[Tessa]

On 7/5/2020 at 12:30 AM, Tori M said:

Was thinking the same thing!

Thank you 

[Tessa]

I will soon start working at my retail job. I’m already Tessa at my bank job. I told my retail manager I also want to be Tessa. Now I’m out at both jobs plus my apt complex managers know. I got a hair cut more shaped like a girls. The man who did my hair cut now knows to. I hate wearing shorts because of my skinny hairless legs. I shave them but very little hair grows anyway. I have been brave wearing my mini skirts in my car and on my patio. Why is being authentic so important? Why can’t I just not worry and let people think what they want. If I was in my dream world I would wear mini skirts and dresses and all woman’s apparel all the time. Doing my nails was huge for me! 
 

Tessa

[Tessa]

Today I’m feeling really girly! Wearing one of my favorite sundresses! I’m sitting at my desk at home and I recently decorated it. It is my little place secret from the office but still a part of the office. I do love working at home for the very fact it gives me freedom to express myself without being judged. But I’ve never had trouble at work. They all know me as Tessa but I haven’t come in in a dress or anything like that. If I had it my way I would be in woman’s clothes all the time! Dresses, mini skirts, cute tops and shoes! 
 

However at this time in my life I’m not there yet. The part that bothers me the most is my facial hair and height. In the ideal situation I would have the money and support to become a full woman but that isn’t the case and I’m not sure even if that would be what I need. 
 

I have to accept who I am and move out of the judgement phase and move into the “I am beautiful” phase. Who you are is unchangeable but how you express who you are is changeable. You can love who you are or hate yourself. I’m choosing to love who I am and find ways to express that to myself and others. Focusing on my physical features that are most womanly. 
 

Blue Eyes, Brown Hair, skinny body, nice legs, beautiful hands (Been told this on this app), beautiful finger nails (Many compliments from this app and complete strangers) personality (biggest one!) it screams a sweet, innocent, kindhearted woman. 

 

How far will I go is yet to be seen but it’s not how far I go it’s how much I accept myself. The journey to self acceptance is a long hard one but a purposeful one. 
 

Love to all! 
 

Tessa 

[Tessa]

Oh, I told my retail manager I want to be called Tessa there to. Big step! 
 

Tessa