Being My Authentic Self

[SaraAW]

Congrats on that step. Also sounds like you have made yourself a nice little sanctuary there in your home office. Have a wonderful day! Hugs!

[Tessa]

6 hours ago, SaraAW said:

Congrats on that step. Also sounds like you have made yourself a nice little sanctuary there in your home office. Have a wonderful day! Hugs!

I love my little black desk and all my pictures on it. It really has become more of a healing station. I work for a bank and I am helping people navigate through this tough time by giving extensions on their loans. I have heard of so many sad stories that break my heart! One was with a persons spouse dying from Covid. He was crying on the phone with me. I love people and have a gift in compassion and I am glad I can use it in my job, I bought this desk for myself. I had an old one my brother gave me. I gave that one to my neighbor. 
 

Tessa is now engraved into me and I can’t remove her. I’ve tried but why? She’s me! She’s sweet, adorable, loving, and kind. People on the phones gravitate to her voice and I’ve been called Babe, Doll, Hon, Sweetie...My job fits my personality.  I wanted to be a teacher but I never passed the praxis or student teaching. I still got a bachelors in Science and Educational Studies. 4 years of college while dealing with a divorce and getting myself off a false protection order that prevented me from seeing my kids for a time. Hard and long nights. I graduated above my class with honors. It was all online so I never got to walk. I’m 45 but have energy of a late 20 year old woman! I look young and I carry an energy that draws people to me. It doesn’t matter if I’m presenting male or female they start telling me their life stories. 
 

The journey to being ones self takes determination and the willingness to give up who you want to be and be who you are! 
 

Love to all! 
 

Tessa

[Susan R]

5 hours ago, Tessa said:

The journey to being ones self takes determination and the willingness to give up who you want to be and be who you are!

I couldn’t have said it better Tessa! 

[Tessa]

8 hours ago, Susan R said:

I couldn’t have said it better Tessa! 

Thank you! 

[Tessa]

Another beautiful day here in NE! Last night I took a late walk and it was so relaxing!  Long late walks seem to calm my mind. I sit on the interstate bridge and watch cars drive under me. Why I find this relaxing I don’t know? I guess I’m a weird girl? 
 

Went to 5 and Below and bought a sun dress and grey mini skirt for 10.00! When I talked to the cashier she called me Hon. We got into a small conversation. I think she saw me as female! I was dressed in black cut up skinny jeans and red shirt. 
 

Anyway everyday I see myself as more happy and fulfilled as a woman! I don’t think I will ever understand myself but that’s ok. I can’t live life miserable anymore. I may never do HRT or any operation but I will do an operation inside myself. I can’t deny the beautiful woman inside me! Maybe the world won’t see it, maybe my family won’t see it, but I have to live in my gender or I will always be sad and depressed and that’s no way to live your life. 

 

I will find friends along the way. I already have. I can’t be embarrassed about who I am! It takes way to much negative energy to try to force myself to be something I’m not. I don’t understand why a loving God would create such a beautiful woman inside a man’s body? 
 

I’ve lived my life serving people all my life. Never hurt a soul. Gave everything I had to my family. Loved my wife at the time with all my heart. I graduated with a Bachelors In Science and Education degree plus a Associates of arts degree. I am smart and intelligent. I wanted a degree in teaching but I failed the praxis and student teaching. I thought being a teacher was what I wanted. Now all I want is to be loved and adored, told by someone they love me, respected for the woman I am, and not to be afraid to live the life I should live. 
 

I won’t change for people. Either you hate me or love me but I won’t let you judge me. I’m to strong inside to hold your judgements because they negative energy that I don’t need. I lived with a woman that hurt me in every way and I won’t let that happen again. 
 

I won’t walk in shame either of who I am. Who should have to wake up in the morning and be forced to dress, act, and respond in the opposite way their mind does? I am not going to be put in a box either or a category. Told I have to follow or act in a certain way. I’m here on this earth for a reason and I will fulfill this purpose. I am determined to win. Now whose with me?
 

I will not be someone’s punishing rug or some mat someone can wipe their feet on! I’m worth much more than that. I will love you unconditionally and you will know it. I will never give up on you. 
 

I had to get these things out. 

Love to all! 
 

Tessa 

 

[Tori M]

Beautiful post, Tessa.  It rings of my own recent thinking that I have given myself away taking care of others all my life and now it is finally my turn to receive some attention.  I've also grown weary of hiding myself for the convenience of others.  So, like it not, here I am... the real me.

 

About watching cars on the highway... yea, me too, and not weird.  IDK why but I think it hearkens back to the days when people sat on their front porch watching and chatting with the cars or people who pass by, back when people used to walk everywhere and talk to their neighbors.  Every next passerby brings a new encounter.  We wonder where they're going, how they're doing, and what do they like to do.  It keeps our mind busy and entertained and, for that moment, in the present and not focused on ourselves, our problems, or the problems of the world.  Indeed, I find it very relaxing and far more entertaining than TV/videos.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Tessa said:

I had to get these things out.

That's great, Tessa!  Sounds like a Mission Statement.  Hugs❣️

[Tessa]

I will start working my retail job tomorrow. I have told management to call me Tessa. I am a little apprehensive to wear the mask all day but I’ll do it. 
 

Low on money so this job will help. These days it seems I just want to sleep. A second job where I get out of the apt will help I think. 
 

Feeling tired and restless right now. 
 

Tessa

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Tessa said:

I will start working my retail job tomorrow. I have told management to call me Tessa. I am a little apprehensive to wear the mask all day but I’ll do it. 
 

Low on money so this job will help. These days it seems I just want to sleep. A second job where I get out of the apt will help I think. 
 

Feeling tired and restless right now. 
 

Tessa

 

Just be careful sweetie. You don't want the shower of ... feces ... that comes with COVID-19. Stay safe.

 

Hugs!

[Astrid]

2 hours ago, Tessa said:

I am a little apprehensive to wear the mask all day but I’ll do it. 

 

Good!  The more everyone, both workers and customers, wear masks, the lower the rate of spread for Covid-19... shown in so many countries that have successfully flattened their curves of infection.  And in those countries that are low in observance of masks (Brazil, UK, USA) we are seeing serious rises in cases.  It's OK to feel apprehensive.  Good luck with your new job!

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

[Tessa]

3 hours ago, Astrid said:

 

Good!  The more everyone, both workers and customers, wear masks, the lower the rate of spread for Covid-19... shown in so many countries that have successfully flattened their curves of infection.  And in those countries that are low in observance of masks (Brazil, UK, USA) we are seeing serious rises in cases.  It's OK to feel apprehensive.  Good luck with your new job!

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

Thanks. I think it’s just getting use to the new normal for a while. I wonder if I’ll have to confront a customer that’s not wearing a mask. People can get pretty irritated but if our store requires it then I must stick to it. We are going to have dressing rooms open so that will be interesting. When I worked there before I was seen as male. Now that I will be seen as female I shouldn’t be embarrassed if I want to use my discount to buy some girls clothes. We have a nice panty selection and always great dresses and skirts. I still will feel weird if I purchase but again it’s my new normal. It’s who I am and I need to be proud of that. Long day here but it’s almost over. Ends at 5. Then I see my kids. One thing cool about the mask the customers won’t see my stubble so maybe more will see me as female. Probably not. Anyway I know who I am and that is a good thing! 
 

Love to all! 
 

Tess

[Tessa]

Been awhile since I posted. For those following me. We are all on a journey to become the best person we can be. That person is inside of all of us waiting to be expressed! Some people keep their true self locked away because they are afraid of ridicule and judgement. The worst judgement is when you judge yourself that you are not worthy of love and that you are not worthy to be able to express who you are. 
 

I have discovered talents that I can do. These talents may not make me rich in wealth but they will enrich my soul! I am a photographer, writer, artist, teacher, and stylist. 
 

Loving one self is hard to do sometimes I think because you have to love your imperfections. Our imperfections are beautiful because without them we couldn’t enjoy what makes us beautiful. 

I did my nails Gold and Pink. What do you think? 
 

 

 

[Tessa]

Today I changed my nails to Babe Blue. I really like this color! Doing nails seems to be one of the ways I want to express myself. I love to pick out the colors! 
 

I don’t know how my brother will respond to this? My Son wants to spend some time at his place. I have never gone over there with my nails done. Only in clear. I can’t hide who I am. 
 

I am beautiful and how I choose to express that is up to me! I just think we all need to see the beauty that is around us. Different is not bad it’s only different. This will be a sure test but that’s not the reason I’m going. I’m just doing me and that’s ok. 

 

Here’s a pic

 

[Jani]

Looks nice!  Your brother probably has other things to worry about.  Be who you are.

[Tessa]

Went to my brother’s house and his kids were first to notice my nails. I told them I just wanted to paint them. Later had a heart to heart with my brother and I told him I feel feminine sometimes. He said it’s not like we haven’t noticed it with your crazy hair style and now your nails. He then said that this life will lead to suicide and me being a 60 year old man in a dress. No one would want me like this. He also said if I came dressed up in woman’s clothes he would have to make a choice. He told me feelings don’t matter and that I need to go off of logic. He took my kid and his kids to get slushees but there was no room for me in the van. When my kid said you left my Dad all by himself my brother said he’s a grown up man he can take care of himself but then his kid said yes he is but rough around the edges. My kid said the van went silent. So now I know where I stand with my brother. He said he loves me but I should be prepared for ridicule and humiliation if I choose this path. He talked of how people flaunt it. I told him I’m not here to flaunt it I just want to be able to express who I am. Hard night and left with hurt feelings but of course those don’t matter because we don’t go off our feelings. I was born a male and that is what I should be and my feelings mean nothing right? 
 

I sat and listened to him and I respected his side but I still feel hurt. Should I? 
 

Tess

[Susan R]

54 minutes ago, Tessa said:

He then said that this life will lead to suicide and me being a 60 year old man in a dress. No one would want me like this. He also said if I came dressed up in woman’s clothes he would have to make a choice. He told me feelings don’t matter and that I need to go off of logic.

Not exactly the consoling type, is he?  I’m sorry you had to endure that.  I certainly wouldn’t count on him for any support. He literally is giving you an ultimatum—continue to dress as yourself and he’ll cut you off. This is someone that has little empathy and kind heartedness toward you. His statement, “feelings don’t matter and that I need to go off of logic” speaks volumes. You are worthy of love and respect like the rest of us here. I wouldn’t spend time going out of your way to convince him he is wrong. Your happiness is more important than his inability to understand. Live your life as you were meant to live it.

 

Hugs,

Susan R?

[Maddee]

I'd be hurt, but not too surprised.

People are often strongly affected.

Be yourself Tessa.

Compromise is cool for comfort as long as you are comfortable too.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Tessa said:

He then said that this life will lead to suicide and me being a 60 year old man in a dress. No one would want me like this

Really?!?!  he said that?  and what is his level of expertise in transgender issues that he can make this assessment?
 

Tessa -  You have every reason to feel disappointed (in your brother) but I hope you won't let it hurt you.  Its truly his problem, not yours.  I actually feel sad for your brother that a life lived by "logic" versus Feelings is superior.  What kind of life is that?

 

I think kindness and listening to him was the best approach.  No reason to argue with such illogical tripe (get that?  he's the one being illogical).  Its going to be up to him to change his views .. not you.

Hugs❤️
 

[Madelyn]

I totally understand, Tessa. Definitely talking with someone helps, for me it really  helps to talk. I have identified as a woman even before I realized I did, and no matter the denial, it never goes away for me. Truthfully, I never wanted it to. It’s just trying to make others happy and keep the status quo. I’m sure we can all agree on some of the things you’ve mentioned. It’s hard to not feel how we want, and really amazing when someone reassures us. It’s like floating on air when it’s settled that we have been recognized as, not only a person, but with the gender we align with. I’m sure as your journey continues, you’ll improve and find the balance. Stay true to the inner you, and I feel you’ll find contentment. 
 

 

[Robin]

Hi Tessa,

 

It is often the case that a person is worried that they will be judged by the company that they keep.  Your brother may be concerned that having a trans person in the family will change the way that others view him.  It is easy to forget that most people have insecurities about themselves, not just those of us on this forum.

 

Robin.

[Jackie C.]

Hey @Tessa.

 

I don't have a lot to add besides support. Your brother is mistaken for starters, our suicide rate goes way down once we're expressing ourselves authentically. There are studies!

 

Secondly, while the dating pool is a bit smaller, we're still desirable as partners. Heck, I had a guy try to pick me up last week.

 

Thirdly, he gets that there are clothing options besides dresses, right? I mean I never wear a dress. Mostly because I haven't found one that fits me right, but still. I mean skirts, sure, but I'm still looking for a nice dress. ?

 

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Even so, he could come around if you give him some time. You're as deserving of love and acceptance as the rest of us girls.

 

Hugs!

[Tessa]

Thanks for everyones kind words. I felt a lot of anxiety going over there. My older brother also told me that life is not as easy for me as the rest of the family and I have to make choices a lot of people don’t have to. Divorced with an ex that hates me, financial strain due to child support, and broken children. So he does have compassion. However, he can’t understand the struggle if he’s not gone through it. I’m not looking for people to say “Wow I’m brave!” I’m not looking to make a statement. I just want people to see me for who I am. My counselor told me that when you are your authentic self it helps people accept you. They will feel comfortable around you. No one has told me I’m ugly and disgusting. I’ve been complimented on my nails and my outfits and most outfits are male apparel. It’s how you act that brings out your true self. You know when your faking it. 
 

Tessa. 

[Jani]

Our success in life is not measured in bravery.  Its measured in our happiness.  That said life is full of compromises and the choices can be difficult at times.  We change and we find out who our true friends and supporters are.  Maya Angelou wrote "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."  As to your brother, maybe he will come around but probably not.  I believe it is as @Robin mentioned, he is concerned how he will be judged.  

 

Continue to grow and be who you are. 

Jani

[Bri2020]

First, I'm really sorry you had to endure that from family and my heart feels for you and supports you. You deserve all the love the world has to give.  There are amazing perspectives written by others above here that I can't add to. Just know that people will show you who they are, and that's a good thing. It gives you the ability to decide who to surround yourself with going forward. It's nice to know who's truly part of your circle of love.  Big Hugs❣️

[Bobbie Scott]

On 5/2/2020 at 7:32 AM, Tessa said:

inside for a glimpse of hope that I can still have a good life and that

I  wish you luck on your journey. Don't ever give up.