Partially out but wanting to start HRT

[Patrice]

hi

I'm new here. Just got on to this site about a week or so ago and made an account yesterday. A little background, I'm married with a 4 year old and a 12 year old. I came out fully to my wife in December. We've been together for 15 years. Since we got together I told her I liked womans underwear and things but mainly kept it to that thinking it would be enough. As time went on, surprise surprise, it's not. I'M A GIRL!

A year ago I told her I wanted to go out with her for a night as female to try it out. She was supportive and thought it was cute. A year goes by with kids, business, etc. We got tocgo away for a 3 day weekend where I got to be myself for a whole 3 days! I don't think I've ever felt more free or happy with her...or myself. So, in December I came out and said that the occasional weekend of being female isn't going to work anymore. She took it well and agreed but that I would need to take my time.

So far I've told my 12 year old girl who started to cry when I started telling her because she thought I was saying that her mom and I were going to break up. When I told her mom and I are in love and that I want to be a girl she was relieved. Bless her heart

My 4 year old son I've been easing in. He knows I wear womans things and I tell him it's because I feel like a girl more than a boy. He doesn't quite get it but it doesn't anger him either. When I play superheros I'll always choose a female character (my favs are Black Widow and Storm...just saying)

I told my Dad, sisters and some close friends, all with positivity and support. I haven't told my Mom or Stepdad yet as they are the ones I've most worried about. My mom puts me on a pedastal as her handsome son (over my sisters) and always has. I'm not close with her as I've felt that my siblings and I were more conversation pieces at large family gatherings than we were her children. My step dad is great but his crued humour (which I posses) will make this akward. I also don't think they have any indication as I hid this pretty well over the years (as most of us have felt we've had to).

My wife and I have a 1 year old business with a partner (who's a bit of a schauvanist we've learned, booerns). So not sure how to handle that one...

So now, most of the people I'm close with in my life know. All my clothes are womens (some neuatral, but I'm pushing it with some of my V neck shirts). My doctor is ready for HRT as soon as I am. I desperately want to start but my wife worries about the business and customers (we own a brewery. I'm the brewer, she's the lounge manager). We are close with a lot of our customers and I know for a lot of them it will be fine. Hell, my doctor is even one of our customers. I feel that HRT is going to take a while and it will be easier for me if people around me start to go hmmm before I tell them.

 

If I haven't lost you yet with my long winded go of it here. My question, is it a big deal to start HRT before everyone knows?

 

Thanks in advance, 

Patrice 

[Petra Jane]

Welcome Patrice, so glad to see your wife is so supportive.

 

Hmm, Storm and Black Widow huh? I'd add Agent Hill and Red Witch to your list! ?

[Maid In Bedlam]

2 hours ago, Patrice said:

 

If I haven't lost you yet with my long winded go of it here. My question, is it a big deal to start HRT before everyone knows?

 

Nope I got to the end. It wasnt so long winded after all. You should see some of my posts. Now thats long winded ?

 

Firstly Welcome to the forum.

 

Now for the real reason im writing this. You are quite lucky in a way you have been accepted by some of those who are in your life. We all handle this in diffrent ways many stories are unique. I looked at the picture you posted in your profile and in my opnion once those hormones kick in you are going to have not many problems in passing providing you work on those sexual charicteristics.

 

My basic physlosphy on this is. You have one life you live it how you decide and if people dont accept then its there problem and they have lost a cool freind. But not to explore yourself will perhaps make you regret for the rest of your days. for me I had to make sacrifices to get to where I am. The world is like that im afraid. What I would say is decide for yourself, what do you want? Do you just want to be the woman who once had trans issues or the man who just dresses as a woman. After you decide this then  you will know if its hormones for you or not. If its the first then I would just go with it otherwise you will never truly be happy. But do remember once you statr those hormones there will be no going back in some respects. They are not the begin all and end all but they do make some  changes that cannot be reversed. Im sure your Doctor will advise you of all those before you go with them.

 

Its great your children have been good with it. Thats quite a big step telling the kids and its wonderful your wife also very accepting. My kids were grown up when i told them of my intentions and because I had brought them up with some empathy they all accepted with open arms.

 

Im not saying the ones you havent told will be accepting. But are you living for them or for you?

 

I do look forwald to your coming posts and hope you will update us on your progress as it happens.

 

whatever way you decide to go then I wish you luck.

 

MIB

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

Nope I got to the end. It wasnt so long winded after all. You should see some of my posts. Now thats long winded ?

 

OMG she is not lying! LOL

 

No starting hrt is not an issue before you are fully out.  Most girls and guys do this anyways as it kind of forces them to deal with things you have already conquered as they get closer and closer to looking female/male.

Plus it does calm us MTFs down a bit by removing a lot of aggression. 

In me that's a very good thing. LOL

[Emily michelle]

Welcome to the forum. You don’t have to be out to everyone yet. I’ve been on hormones for 3 weeks today but, who is counting lol. The only people I’m out to are my sister and my wife which my wife is very supportive. My sister and I just don’t talk about it but we still associate with each other. I’m happy to hear that your wife and kids took it well and the other people you have told. You have to be yourself and be happy about it that is the most important thing. 

[BrandiBri]

Welcome Patrice! I Everyone's story is different. I came out to three of my cousins and one of my grandchildren before starting hormones. All four of them were supportive. Of my four children, one does not accept that I am trans, but she still loves me. 

2 hours ago, Emily michelle said:

My sister and I just don’t talk about it

My sister is 7 years older that I am and has a hard time dealing with it, so we don't talk about it either. 

 

6 hours ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

if people dont accept then its there problem

I totally agree with that, I used to worry about what people would think and that was part of hiding. I now have the confidence of knowing who I am and d____ it, if they don't like it they can jump into a lake! If you want to go on hormones, remember that is a big step. It does take time for the physical changes to take place, but the emotional changes are almost immediate. 

I'm glad that your wife and kids are okay with you becoming who you are. Take your time, this is not a sprint but a marathon. 

 

Hugs from my fortress in Lincoln,

Brandi

 

[Jani]

Hello Patrice and good for you.  That's quite an interesting business you have.  I would imagine it would survive your coming out, much better than the pandemic.  All my best. 

 

Jani

[Patrice]

Thank you all so much for your feedback ?. Glad to hear that my story wasnt too long, lol.

I will have a talk with my wife about the next steps. I want to make sure to keep her part of this through it all. She is pretty sure she will like the "me" without the pretending to be a guy stuff but nothing in life is certain. 

Random question, when I was an early teen I watched how guys walked and had to teach myself to do so (i had a very feminine squeeky voice and got made fun of....wish I still had that voice haha). Playing the part made it easier to get through pre teens. Now I've stopped trying and its more comfortable to walk. Anyone?

[Jackie C.]

Good plan @Patrice. It's important to keep the lines of communication open if you want your marriage to weather this.

 

As for the walk... Honestly my walk wasn't very masculine. I didn't move my upper body much. I still forget sometimes and do my "guy walk" but for the most part I just let my hips swing now.

 

Hugs!

[Christie Woods]

Hi Patrice,

 

I am out to a few friends and my immediate family. I started electrolysis 3 years ago and HRT 18 months ago. I am 60 and retired a year ago. I know people at work were probably talking me and my look over the last year or so but no body said anything to me. Since retiring I've gone with a more androgynous look and the attitude that I really don't care what people think. I know I am pushing it but nobody, friends or otherwise, has really confronted me about it. I do know of at least one occurrence of a friend asking another friend if I'm trans. The one friend knew but didn't acknowledge it. In another situation my son in law's mother asked him about me and acknowledged my TG status without my consent. I have since met with her and she seems fine with me but have yet to discuss my being TG with her. These are examples of how I feel things will probably socially develop for you. I would say the HRT results (my bust) are just now starting to be an issue but everyone's results varies.

The electrolysis I felt was harder to hide. I did it with a constant stubble and knowing my skin would 'rash up' about 2 days after the session so I scheduled the sessions on Thursday evenings and dealt with the skin issue over the weekend. I've had 3 years, about 300 hours, of electrolysis and figure I have another year and 100 hours to go. Living with the constant stubble is pretty dysphoric so sometimes I would take a week or two off from electrolysis and leave town to live full time for a few days. 

I hope this helps!

Hugs!!! Christie

[RobynNYC]

Welcome welcome!!!

 

im in a similar place and what I’ve come to with my therapist is that I can start physical transition through low dose hrt before social.  I’m not sure I’ve decided on social transition yet but physical transition, small steps, has made a big difference.   I still present male day to day but when I present female it will be much nicer!

 

 

 

[SaraAW]

Hi Patrice and welcome!  I’ve been on HRT for almost 4 months now and only out to my wife and medical team. So yes it can be done. Timing wasn’t great, as lots of body changes are happening while I’m WFH, so it’s going to be a lot more noticeable when I do show up, it may force me out sooner than I was planning. Can’t wear baggy sweaters in the summer (if it ever gets here). 

[Susan R]

22 hours ago, Patrice said:

My question, is it a big deal to start HRT before everyone knows?

Short answer...not at all.  BTW..Welcome to our little family! The physical changes won’t be noticeable for months. I wasn’t out to my wife about me being on hormones until week 10. I know, I know...I should’ve come clean earlier. As far as coming out fully, after being on hormones for awhile and realizing it’s a necessity and less of a choice, you may come to the opinion, as I did, that it had to be done for your own well being and health. This mindset makes it easier to come to a place where you will be able to face the music more confidently. You will feel less and less the need to justify your actions..in this case, taking hormones, as you do now. It’s a slow mental process but it happens to many of us eventually. But MIB says it all in her post...

19 hours ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

My basic physlosphy on this is. You have one life you live it how you decide and if people dont accept then its there problem and they have lost a cool freind. But not to explore yourself will perhaps make you regret for the rest of your days. for me I had to make sacrifices to get to where I am. The world is like that im afraid. What I would say is decide for yourself, what do you want? Do you just want to be the woman who once had trans issues or the man who just dresses as a woman. After you decide this then  you will know if its hormones for you or not.

That pretty much explains it right there...you gotta do what YOU need to do. It’s your life!

 

11 hours ago, Patrice said:

Now I've stopped trying and its more comfortable to walk. Anyone?

It’s interesting because to me walking with a little sway in your step is much more comfortable for me. It seemed to come natural for me in my early days when I owned mainly high heels which seemed to accommodate a more feminine walk than flats or ladies sneakers. Now it’s become second nature. So I agree that IMHO, it is more comfortable. In addition to that, it helps me ‘pass’ as a woman in public if you worry about that sort of thing. I like to blend into my environment so it’s semi important to me.

 

Thank you for sharing your story, Patrice...glad you’re here!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

 

[Patrice]

39 minutes ago, Susan R said:

As far as coming out fully, after being on hormones for awhile and realizing it’s a necessity and less of a choice, you may come to the opinion, as I did, that it had to be done for your own well being and health. This mindset makes it easier to come to a place where you will be able to face the music more confidently.

That pretty much explains 

 

 

[Patrice]

Love this ? (Just figured out how everyone copies and pastes comments, nit so tech savy for a milenial-ish lol)

[KayC]

On 5/13/2020 at 2:55 PM, Patrice said:

I'M A GIRL!

That's great!  I love it!  Congratulations on your firm declaration and welcome!

Also, thank you for such a great question, because I am getting such great information from everybody's answers and experience (hope you are too, Patrice).  Thank you all!

I have only come out to my wife so far, and from things I have learned on this site I want to start HRT as soon as I can, but don't feel compelled to come out or present 100% before or even during/after.  That will be my timeline and my decision, even though I expect that may change after starting HRT.
So.... go for it Patrice!  you're in charge!
hugs

Kay

[JanePlain]

Welcome!  First I just want to say your message was great for length.  I'm (cough) the one who babbles WAY too much.  Second I want to applaud your courage in how you are going about this.  It kills me to hear about marriages that blow up because its such a sudden shock.  Your clearly the type that walks into the lake rather then jumping into it from an airplane like so many have.  I think you did the hardest part of transition first and I'm just... Really impressed. 

 

HRT is such an important step.  I think its when some of us make up our minds that its the right treatment for our medical condition.  I'm not that into dressing up and that part is not a fetish (Other then that my wife tells me she is concerned I'll think she is weird to like me in pantyhose - so thats maybe her fetish)  Anyway I'm way off track but what I'm saying is HRT is the point where things will automatically start happening and at some point your going to be either super happy with the changes or not. 

 

I've heard some say its like an antidepressant but I think its more like putting the right fuel into a truck.  Your supposed to be run on "whatever" and have been using the wrong stuff.  After (Please anyone else chip in) a couple months you will either think why did I wait this long or you will say - none for me this feels wrong.  I think you will be surprised how different it feels - the WOW effect.  Some of the changes are subtle and you just get used to them as your new normal fairly quick.  Two that most people don't mention (And maybe its just me) but colors seemed brighter and my sense of smell improved so much I could tell you if the door to the garbage was open from rooms away.  Pre HRT I could be in the cabnet with the garbage and hardly notice.  The big changes are (I my opinion) the mental ones.  Your emotions expand.  I joke that you go from being Binary (Angry or totally uninterested) to 100s.  Getting misty over cute puppys or kittens or whatever was an indication to me things are getting different.  Improved empathy I think is one of the best changes for mtf folk.  Men often have to work hard to be empathetic.  To me these are both improvements and likely to improve your relationship since its clear she is not transphobic.  I think the physical changes are sometimes too much focused on but even I will report its nice to have a shape that holds my panties up.  

 

TMI Alert.  I bring this up because it seems so few people talk about it but "sex" or being intimate gets different.  I think many trans people try to do away with all testosterone (Because testosterone = Male) so they zero it out which turns into have no libido and it feels "normal"   As you can imagine your significant other is going to think something about that (Rejected or think your suddenly into men)  so I urge you to have your doctor adjust HRT so that its in normal female range.  Which means a lot more estrogen and less testosterone.  Once you get it right hold onto your socks because your sexual "experience" will be a lot different and without getting graphic you will be amazed how much better it becomes. I think your wife will be very pleased with those changes.  - J

[Kelsey Brooke]

Hi, Patrice, nice to meet you. I am only out to my wife and three of my kids. Congrats!

 

On ‎5‎/‎13‎/‎2020 at 1:55 AM, Patrice said:

When I play superheros I'll always choose a female character (my favs are Black Widow and Storm...just saying)

My fav has always been Harley Quinn. I collect anything with her!

[Patrice]

"TMI Alert.  I bring this up because it seems so few people talk about it but "sex" or being intimate gets different."

 

Glad you brought this one up Jane. TMI as well but as much as I'd prefer my bottom bits were option B as opposed to option A in the human gender wish book, I like my intimate times with my wife (especially since she now understands and treats me as a woman). I'm looking forward to it.

 

On an update to my post, my partner and I (sorry, I tend to jump back and forth between partner and wife, i think because she calls me partner instead of husband now it feels weird to say wife) decided today that I can start HRT ?. I am so excited! 

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Patrice said:

On an update to my post, my partner and I...decided today that I can start HRT ?. I am so excited!

Congratulations! Good to hear that you both came to this decision together. I have a feeling that this will be a good thing for you both. Your partner may be pleasantly surprised with some of these upcoming changes you two will be experiencing together. Just make sure your partner is aware that there can be an intense ‘up and down’ emotional roller coaster ride in the beginning as your body adjusts to the new medications. This is one of the reasons why close surpervision by a good endo is a necessity. They will carefully adjust doses to better suit you so you adapt better to HRT.

I mention this because when I delayed telling my wife about starting HRT she wondered why I was an emotional wreck all the sudden. After coming clean, it then finally made sense to her.  It’s usually easier when you work together on these things like you two are doing.?

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Emily michelle]

I’m very happy for you Patrice that you can now start hrt. My wife and I had a similar experience that she said I can start hrt after I froze my sperm. Having your wife by your side is great.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Patrice said:

decided today that I can start HRT ?. I am so excited! 

Congratulations, Patrice!  very happy for you and that your wife is so supportive!    Hoping my wife will be the same when the time comes.

Looking forward to your "progress reports"

Kay

[JanePlain]

On 5/15/2020 at 1:38 AM, Patrice said:

"TMI Alert.  I bring this up because it seems so few people talk about it but "sex" or being intimate gets different."

 

Glad you brought this one up Jane. TMI as well but as much as I'd prefer my bottom bits were option B as opposed to option A in the human gender wish book, I like my intimate times with my wife (especially since she now understands and treats me as a woman). I'm looking forward to it.

 

On an update to my post, my partner and I (sorry, I tend to jump back and forth between partner and wife, i think because she calls me partner instead of husband now it feels weird to say wife) decided today that I can start HRT ?. I am so excited! 

I should have added its gets different but between the pre HRT system and now I think it is much improved.  Its just different.  Anyway on the HRT point this is great news!!!  Partner - wife - lover whatever she likes I'm so glad your both on board!

[JanePlain]

I should have added its a bit like Puberty part duex.  Not as intense but certainly a time where things are a jumble of emotions your not used to dealing with.  Just maybe worth warning her there is an adjustment period.  Which hopefully will be more entertaining then anything else.

[Patrice]

Thanks Jane,

I hope it is entertaining as well. Ao far she is more entertained than anything, which is positive. Yesterday she thought it would be fun for me if she put eye make up on me at home for the day. I think she's also trying to picture me that way too. It was a great day. My 4 year old told me to wash it off lol. I told him I liked it and he shrugged it off and carried on playing.