Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

jester

support without understanding

Recommended Posts

jester

had a difficult conversation with my mom the other night, and it's been playing on my mind. sorry if this gets a little maudlin.

 

i came out to her a year and a half ago, and she didn't understand at first but came around a few months later. she usually tries to refer to me with masculine or neutral language/pronouns, which i really appreciate, and we've always talked a lot about feminism and politics and all that social justice stuff, and from the conversations we've had i kind of thought she was totally on board and understood it all.

 

i've started opening up about my dysphoria a little more, and talking with her about how to tell my sister. the other night, we were just talking about that, and mom started talking about how if transition was what i needed to be happy, then i should do it. it was a lot of - people should be able to do what they want, damn the consequences, and the people around them can like it or lump it. which is... all good stuff, right? it's definitely supportive. but i felt like i'd lost something.

 

she talked about how upset my dad would be about not having any daughters anymore (he has three cis sons with a different partner), then how vulnerable my sister is, and mentioned that at least we'd still have the shared experience of growing up female. i felt awful - i think i have much more in common with my sister than being DFAB, and would be just as capable of empathising and caring about her with HRT as i am without. i asked if she thought it would be selfish of me to transition, and her exact words were - "no, i think we can still be happy".

 

i don't know. i thought she understood. it feels like she's thinking of it as a lifestyle or aesthetic choice i'm making, while at the same time implying that none of the people i'm closest to will understand or relate to me anymore. like she'll support me, but she still thinks i'm throwing a spanner in the works for no good reason. the idea that i would disregard or not care about how it affects the people around me is laughably antithetical to my entire personality and worldview. and it's not about what i need to be "happy" - it's about needing to be whole and complete, to feel like i'm living a life, not slogging through and waiting for the end. it's more like what i need to be okay.

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

It will be nearly impossible for people who are not Trans to fully understand us.  Said the other way though, you will not be close to understanding how it is to be Cis gender.  That is always a starting point for me when I find myself asked to bridge the gap between myself and Cis people.  We cannot fully understand the other side.  Playing at being Cis was just that, playing a part we could not fully grasp, even if we made a good show of it.  There is a "Ick Factor" though for a Cis person to play a Trans person role that will not allow them to be as good as we were playing Cis roles.  In time when that Ick Factor has died, there will be a chance to bridge the gap in a better way.

 

For your sister, there is a beautiful potential from a different source.  If you have ever seen 3D images you wonder how that can be done, but the answer is the same object (event) is photographed from several different angles and then put together in sharper detail.  Your slightly different view will make the memories and experiences all the more realistic and three dimensional than they would be if you thought exactly the same.

Share this post


Link to post
jester

yes i think you're right :( i don't know, i wish cis people could get excited about the person i'm going to be rather than focusing on all the negatives. beautifully said about different perspectives though :) thank you 🧡

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV
7 hours ago, jester said:

i wish cis people could get excited about the person i'm going to be rather than focusing on all the negatives.

 

One of the things I have learned from medical researchers  is that at about 4 years old, Cis and Trans children both find their gender identity in their own minds and hearts and both types try to tell their parents what they have found about themselves.  For a Cis child, when they tell their parents it is an "oh yeah, you are <gender> now go and leave me alone.  A Trans child telling their parents very likely will be told "stop that foolishness and don't every say that again" (at the least, and sometimes it is a violent response).  You don't CELEBRATE either the Cis child's nor the Trans child's gender identity discovery even though it is a really big thing.  We have some work to do, don't we, to help get that changed.  We see it, Cis people do not. 

Share this post


Link to post
jester

oh wow - i can't wait until celebrating is the norm!

Share this post


Link to post
Suzanne1

Well, reacting to the thread title----Support w/o Understanding.

 

Many decades ago, when I was still in high school, pondering socio-political issues, I determined that it was difficult enough to get folks to do the "right thing", w/o insisting that it be done for the "right reasons."  Ideological purity is not a necessary prerequisite to achieving a desired goal; in fact, it may be a handicap.

 

Personally, I'd be happy w/ the support (unconditional positive regard?).  I don't think I would reject said support because the supporter(s) did not (or could not) fully understand.  

 

Again, just my 2-cents worth, and that doesn't buy much of anything these day.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 161 Guests (See full list)

    • ShawnaLeigh
    • Kaltia_Atlas
    • KathyLauren
    • Just Lee
    • Mx.Drago
    • Dana Michelle
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      70,923
    • Total Posts
      643,707
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      6,883
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Mutethisbitch
    Newest Member
    Mutethisbitch
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. SoSarah
      SoSarah
      (61 years old)
    2. Xlandral
      Xlandral
      (19 years old)
  • Posts

    • Mmindy
      We own one of those new digital/talking scales. When I step on it in the morning it quickly response with; Hey! One person at a time!   #joke   Mindy🐛🌈🦋
    • Willow
      Hi everyone    Love the new pic Patti.  Good luck with the Job interview Shawna.   I had a great day today.  My wife and I went shopping.  Michael’s for some sewing items them our mall to window shop.  No one appeared to see anything but two women shopping together.  Never got misgendered.  Even got a complement on the dress I was wearing.  This just topped off a great weekend.   Willow    
    • Mx.Drago
      I agree with @Gaylord Still great work and great words.
    • VickySGV
      Thank you for talking about this and learning.  Before this Virus problem started I used to get flyers from ULTA and Sephora cosmetics and their stuff had scratch and sniff inserts in them.  My computer chair is near where the mail drops in, and more than once I have rolled the chair wheels over the flyers, and set off the samples.  They can have me sneezing for an hour or two.  In my CD days, the stronger the perfume smell was the desired motif, I do not miss those times.
    • Jackie C.
      I'm guessing you went noseblind to it. My dad's the same way with cologne. He wore it every day for a while, and after some time passed it started to get stronger... and stronger...   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      I shop at Torrid, Long Tall Sally, Target and the local thrift stores. I like cruising the resale shops with my wife, it's a fun outing and sometimes I get something pretty. Don't discount skinny jeans though, I've got no hips so they fit better than regular cut. I'm an XL-Tall at 5' 11" and... no idea what I weigh anymore. I hope less than 210. I haven't been able to check since the pandemic. We don't own a scale.   Hugs!
    • sleepinflame
      OK, now we're a step closer to each other.  I have a non-binary brain in a male body.  Lots of girl stuff and lots of boy stuff for me.   I just got a perspective shift.  If you have that fully female brain, then I see how you say "I have the wrong body!"   And you got a perspective shift, "Oh, I have a female brain."  This is how I was thinking of the MtF people the whole time and I didn't see the pain of "I have the wrong body" until a few days ago.   Very cool.  You can see that for me, I don't think, "I have the wrong body"  I just think, "I have an abby normal brain!" --Grace  
    • Tori M
      Ok, I'm tired.  I'm tired of spending hours and hours looking for pants and tops for tall women.  At reasonable prices.  I can't pay $79 for a single top, Lane Bryant.  You, too, Long Tall Sally.  Goodwill, you have tons of clothes but could you please put the tall stuff in a special section?  Amazon, you have 40,000 pairs of jeans and no checkbox on the left for "Tall".  How am I supposed to look through 40,000 pairs of jeans?!  Also, some of us are getting older... I don't want skinny jeans, I want a stretch waistband with normal legs.  My eyes are bugging from screen searching so much I'm going to need a new prescription for my glasses.   Does anyone have any suggestions on where to find tall clothes for older gals at affordable prices?  I'm only 5'11"... it shouldn't be this hard!
    • Dana Michelle
      The corrected URL is https://www.courts.ca.gov/documents/nc500.pdf. The period at the end of the sentence got included in the link so it produces an error.
    • Just Lee
      This is a highly volatile subject that could get heated so I won't fully go there. I will say however, that here in NH, we had a long standing sexist code. In the Union Leader or any other classifieds here, there's a phrase code of "Must be able to lift 50 lbs and over." It's a blatant way of saying MEN ONLY. Women need not apply. I found this out by accident in my early 20's. I'd been in the air force, worked in stables where lifting 50 lbs happened a dozen times a day with feed, manure and tack. I applied for the job but the guy saw a 5 foot female and immediately said, "This ain't the place for you little girl. The ad is for men. Gotta lift 50 lbs." No joke. 
    • Sally Stone
      Keep in mind that a lot of rhetoric we hear comes from the loud mouths.  In this country there has always been, and will continue to be, a silent majority, people who have an opinion but don't feel the need to shout about it at the top of their lungs.  I learned long ago to try and tune out the loud mouths and the news reported primarily for sensationalist reasons.  We have to look past all BS we are made to see and hear to really feel the pulse of the nation.  If we take the time to do that, we see that most people don't take issue with the way we express ourselves.  It's only the terrified loud mouths who are making all the racket, and they really, are the minority.  My experiences as a trans woman have for the most part, been extremely positive, and I absolutely refuse to cower in the face of a few blowhards.  Take heart, that it is never really as bad out there as it can sometimes seem.
    • Gaylord
      Wow it's great. I like the first version better because it gave a sense of tension and dramatic irony to the verses with a big reveal at the end of each verse. For example insurance coverage only restriction verse tells a story through time in your first version that gets lost in the second and I also love the drama of the line where the girl inside was evicted in the first version. Maybe for verses that are more final you could switch to the couplet to ground and sober the feelings.. It sounds good! 
    • Tori M
      Fear is mostly the reason I've been in hiding for the past 8 years.  Had a couple of bad experiences when I first moved here (I assumed all of Oregon was LGBTQ friendly... not!) while I watched the turmoil rise across the country about gay marriage.  I told myself and others, "This is going to get worse before it gets better.  I'm tagging out for a while."   Now things are getting to a fever pitch and the troublemakers are all up in the news.  It's the last ditch efforts of the minority who want to turn the clocks back to 1945.  They won't go down without a fight, that's always the way these things go.  They really are the few but they make a lot of noise.  The majority of people are good, as it always has been.  Remember that the majority of people quietly staying at home and out of the fight are good, too.   Hiding isn't working for me any longer.  We have to be safe and smart, but we don't have to stay quiet.     That's exactly how the establishment wants it.  Keep the masses distracted quarreling among themselves so we don't see the power-grabs they are pulling.  That's not new in this country.  It's always been that way, especially since the '60's.  We have to do what our heart desires.  In the end, we will prevail, I know it.  Always remember we're not the first to have to fight for our rights and acceptance.
    • Sally Stone
      Earlier to day, my wife and I were out doing a couple of errands, we took her car so she was driving.  After about five minutes in the car she said: "I guess your sense of smell is getting old, because you are wearing too much perfume."  Rats, I thought I was using my perfume sparingly, but perhaps not.  Is my "smeller" actually getting old, or, do I simply adjust to the fragrance after I apply it?  Not sure the reason, but I guess I need to be more sensitive to how much I am wearing.  I myself, have experienced the perfume cloud that surrounds certain women, so, I know how easily perfume can become overpowering.  I took my wife's comment to heart for next time when I'll be sure to spritz only once.  Where perfume is concerned, less really is more.  
    • KathyLauren
      Congratulations, @ShawnaLeigh on the new job!  And good luck to the both of you.  It is exciting!
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...