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Can't take it much longer...


CreepyConfusedKid

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CreepyConfusedKid

I've been suicidal for nearly half my life...

No matter how many anti depressants I take, nothing works.

It's always getting worse everyday.

This year has been disastrous and has made me feel even worse.

So much has happened... I don't know if I can stand this any longer.

I can't do this...

I can't live a life like this...

I don't know what to do...

It's too much for me to handle...

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Mary Jane

hey i dont know how bad your life is but you can do it and i can relate to 

1 hour ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I don't know if I can stand this any longer.

I can't do this...

I can't live a life like this...

I don't know what to do...

yet every single time ive felt that, something or someone kept me going maybe try to find that thing or person thats going to keep you going games, movies, shows,anime, ice cream, something you truly appreciate, something you want to do or see in the future, the good things in your life, etc 

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Mx.Drago
1 hour ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I've been suicidal for nearly half my life...

No matter how many anti depressants I take, nothing works.

It's always getting worse everyday.

This year has been disastrous and has made me feel even worse.

So much has happened... I don't know if I can stand this any longer.

I can't do this...

I can't live a life like this...

I don't know what to do...

It's too much for me to handle...

I know the feeling. This year has been really terrible for me too, but I joined this site for that reason. That and as a human you kinda need to socialize even though normal preferences say otherwise. Anti-depressants don't cure the underlining issue of your depression, it's just to make you less depressed then how you would normally feel. Sometimes it takes being a bit more pro-activity to get over the hills and mountains, that's why connecting to others to help you get over those things that trigger the waves, is important. Much prefer you be here talking trying to figure things out then hurting yourself. No hurting yourself, it doesn't benefit nobody.

Use to take the train every morning. It's pretty bad when you start staring at each large fast moving object passing by with those damned thoughts floating in your head. I don't even want to even entertain those thoughts, but there they are, it's annoying and sad. Maybe I broke my brain and it's just being spiteful, cuz I can't solve my issues myself fast enough to it's comfort. Life ain't comfortable naturally, you need to kinda grab it sometimes and shape it with your own hands. Hopefully with more talking and when this pandemic thing is all over I can get a professional on it, but for now I just have the lovely folks of the internet to humbly rely on to stick with me and help me figure out this life stuff that can get pretty dark and messed up. I figured myself that depression is just your body not being happy and just constantly telling you to fix it. Life is so much more than the things that depress and annoy, don't give energy or time to those things if you can help it. I love my world, even if it's not always pretty or kind, it's mine and I'll be damned before I let this world claim my one life cuz it has problems it can't fix. Thank you for posting. Please keep talking with us here and be well and safe.

:hugs:

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  • Forum Moderator
Charlize

As  an addict in recovery i can remember times in my life when i wanted my addiction to take me away.  I was a kind of miracle when i reached out for help from others and found them reaching back to help.  You have reached out.  We and many others are here to help as we can.  Please go to the Trans Pulse chatrooms to find help on a real time  basis.  Reach out in your area. We are worth it!  I have found peace with my life and you can as well.  I knew i needed help and over time found that reaching out isn't a weakness but a strength.   Thank you for your sharing here.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

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  • Forum Moderator
Timber Wolf

Hi,

The best suggestion I can give is to just live life one day at a time. Just today, and try not to worry or think about tomorrow.

 

My stepmother suffered from depression, and I saw it was really hard. I've suffered depression due to drug addiction, so I've been in that black hole as well. My stepmother's doctor said that prescribing meds for depression was really a guest and by gosh thing. It was frustrating to her because they tried med after med with little or no result. They did finally get one that helped. Like her doctor said, you have to keep trying. I wish I could be more help than this. But do know that we care here. You are not alone in these difficult weeks.

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf ?

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CreepyConfusedKid

I think it might be getting worse

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  • Forum Moderator
Charlize

Thank you for sharing that.  I hope you are also reaching out in your community!  We can get through the worst of times by living today and not thinking a feeling will last forever.  Tomorrow may bring better feelings.  

Try to think of the things you can be grateful for, even if it is as simple as a roof or a bite of food. This morning i am grateful to try to help you.

Remember we are not alone.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

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CreepyConfusedKid

I have lost all hope I have...

I'm only 13 and I already know that life isn't worth living...

I've lived long enough to know that it will never get better.

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Kaltia_Atlas
38 minutes ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I have lost all hope I have...

I'm only 13 and I already know that life isn't worth living...

I've lived long enough to know that it will never get better.

I know where you are my friend. Most everyone here has gone through the thoughts in our heads and some have attempted to act on them. My best suggestion, don't. Dont give in to the voices or thoughts. You only hurt yourself with it.

 

Like marry jane said... Find something to keep you going. For me, it was music and video games. You are young. You have a very full, long and happy life ahead of you. But YOU have to go out and find it. It might seem really bad now, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep pushing towards that light! And once you get there, shine bright!!!

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Mx.Drago
1 hour ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I have lost all hope I have...

I'm only 13 and I already know that life isn't worth living...

I've lived long enough to know that it will never get better.

Life isn't automatically pretty, kind, or understanding, but it can be. The mountain can be tall and may seem arduous to travel but in order to get to a place you want to be it takes energy, time, and care to get to it, and most of all understanding. You barely reached the foot of the mountain. You just need to keep breathing and going forward in life at your own pace to achieve a better life. It takes a lot of work and many tears may fall and maybe blood, but the goal will always be to get to that place. Like the salmon swimming upstream. Some might never make it and it will most surely end in death but whether you reach that place before or after is mainly in your hands. You only get one chance and one life, there is no after or restart. Life doesn't give guarantees but only possibilities under probability. To have the possibilities, you first need the probability of being alive. So please be careful of what you entertain, and stay and be well and safe. Thank you for your post and please keep talking with us, cuz nobody said anything about traveling the mountains alone.?

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  • Forum Moderator
Charlize

When i was 13 i felt life was too much to handle.  Hormones started to hit and i both liked and hated the results.  Shortly things changed and life improved.  Situations and circumstances change so please don't think the way you are feeling is permanent. 

Please reach out in the chatrooms or contact The Trevor Project at: 1 866 488 7386 

www.thetrevorproject.org

 

You can also contact the Trans Lifeline:   877-565-8860

 

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

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CreepyConfusedKid

I've made up my mind...

I always felt like the only things that would make me happy was killing myself or my family...

And I'm not brave enough to kill my family.

I'm going to kill myself... Today.

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  • Admin
VickySGV
35 minutes ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I'm going to kill myself... Today.

 

Call your local hospital or paramedics NOW.  Even at your age they will send someone to help you and keep you from harming yourself.  I am 72 and near 73 and did feel the same way back at your age.  Things did not get better as I grew up in the way you may think you want.  Instead they got better in the ways that helped me to grow up, gain some skills and get away from the people who put me down or who did not fulfill me.  You do not know that your life will not get better, only time will show you that it will be worth living, maybe in ways that will happily surprise you but you need to take each day by itself.  Again, call your local police department or fire department if in the U.S. Call the 911 number and let them pick you up and help you. I am the parent of a child that tried many times to kill themself as you are talking about, and she is now alive, day by day and while she needs help, there is an element of fun and enjoyment for her.  The point is that you may not kill yourself, but leave yourself in pain or disability for the rest of your life.  Consider that if you try, and it does not work the way you think it should.  Please call your authorities, or walk over to the nearest hospital emergency room, even at your age, with your intention to hurt yourself, they will take you and care for you.

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CreepyConfusedKid
48 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

 

Call your local hospital or paramedics NOW.  Even at your age they will send someone to help you and keep you from harming yourself.  I am 72 and near 73 and did feel the same way back at your age.  Things did not get better as I grew up in the way you may think you want.  Instead they got better in the ways that helped me to grow up, gain some skills and get away from the people who put me down or who did not fulfill me.  You do not know that your life will not get better, only time will show you that it will be worth living, maybe in ways that will happily surprise you but you need to take each day by itself.  Again, call your local police department or fire department if in the U.S. Call the 911 number and let them pick you up and help you. I am the parent of a child that tried many times to kill themself as you are talking about, and she is now alive, day by day and while she needs help, there is an element of fun and enjoyment for her.  The point is that you may not kill yourself, but leave yourself in pain or disability for the rest of your life.  Consider that if you try, and it does not work the way you think it should.  Please call your authorities, or walk over to the nearest hospital emergency room, even at your age, with your intention to hurt yourself, they will take you and care for you.

I have no choice...

My parents have literally driven me to insanity.

I don't have any hope for the future...

I hate my family and they hate me. I'm doing them a favour by killing myself.

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  • Admin
VickySGV

You have a choice to go to the hospital or call the authorities to help you.  That is a way to begin your life.

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CreepyConfusedKid
28 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

You have a choice to go to the hospital or call the authorities to help you.  That is a way to begin your life.

I don't want to be helped.

I just want to die and hope that nobody remembers me.

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  • Admin
VickySGV

If you do not succeed as happens in over 3/4 of the cases, you will be helped by people you do not want helping you, possibly even your parents.  That is a huge possibility, you will not kill yourself, but disable yourself and the disability will make you dependent on people who will treat you even worse than you think you are treated now and you will not be able to do anything about it.

 

If your parents are doing what you say, going to the hospital could result in your being put in a foster home with people who are not treating you as you say your parents are and your life will be better and have hope in it.  Not all adults who have children make good parents.

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Kaltia_Atlas

Vicky is right. Find the help you need that will actually help you. Nobody here wants to see you go. PLEASE find help. Death is never an answer... Never an option.

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Mx.Drago
1 hour ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I don't want to be helped.

I just want to die and hope that nobody remembers me.

This is false and you know it. You are typing because of the opposite. Folks here trying to help you will remember you and you obviously want help otherwise you wouldn't be looking for a solution. Dieing won't solve your issues nor will it fix your family, but living can you need only bare time and keep trying that tomorrow. Why should you have to give up your one life because other people are unsatisfied, that's silly.

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Mx.Drago
29 minutes ago, Mx.Drago said:

 keep trying that tomorrow.

And when say try, I mean to dare tomorrow. Challenge it and keep challenging.

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Dana Michelle
3 hours ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I don't want to be helped.

I just want to die and hope that nobody remembers me.

Why not try to get help? What do you have to lose by trying to see if someone can help you?

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Kaltia_Atlas

@CreepyConfusedKid please tell us youre alright! At least that youre alive. There is always hope and love in the world. Even when it seems like it's not getting better or brighter...

There is a saying that changed my life at one point. And id like to share it with you. 

"The darkest hour of the night, comes just before the dawn." 

You might not know what the dawn will look like tomorrow, but the darkness can not last. It may come, and it may go... But always remember, the darkness cannot exist without light to wash it away. 

 

Please be safe my friend. You will remain in my thoughts.

 

Hugz ❤️

Kali

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CreepyConfusedKid

Well... Maybe I won't kill myself... yet

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CreepyConfusedKid

I really don't know what to do anymore

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A. Dillon

If you don't know what to do, then just stay. Wait it out, keep talking to us, let me promise you that this is not the way to go. If you leave then there is no way to find out what could have been, and if you stay you will find out just how many people would have missed you. Even if you don't see it right now, no one can see the future, you just have to wait for your future to come. Listen, I am one of those people who has been left behind. It tears you up inside, and even just worrying about losing the people I care about just like that makes sleep impossible. Think about the people who care about you, or literally any person you have ever met. Think about the people who are going through it just like you, and take comfort in you just sticking around. You give them hope, maybe they can live past this too. You have the opportunity to be an inspiration, now and for the rest of your life, please don't give that up...

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