Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

tiny little dolly


Just Lee

Recommended Posts

Since I was 16, I've been 5 ft even, 100 lbs. and the physical envy of all my female relatives. "You're so petite! I found this cute dress/skirt/floral print in extra small because I knew you'd look so cute in it. Try it on now! You'll be adorable!" I've been treated as a perpetual little dolly to dress up for my entire life. And each time I'd shrink further into myself and just obey, hating it with every fiber of my being.

I've been physically picked up twirled around by both family and random guys saying "Look how tiny she is! I can pick her up and toss her like a football!" And each time I had no choice but to submit to being literally manhandled because it proved someone else' "strength & virility" to grab me unsolicited. Less than a non entity. My own father's favorite phrase is "She's a doll," when talking about me or any other short female. Objections went unheeded and I was either dressed like a living dolly or thrown like a football as they all marveled at how I'm such a TINY LITTLE GIRL even at 49 years old. 

On my 17th birthday, I tried to introduce my new gf to my mother. She promptly called me every nasty slur in the book, beat me senseless and threw me out of the house for being a pervert. My father (former marine) took me in and said that if I work weekends and keep up my grades, I could stay with him and his (secretly savage) wife. After a call with my mother who disowned me, he said he had no problem with me being lesbian. But I did. 

Fast forward a few years to after I'd left the air force and moved in with my gf. "Don't be stupid-you can't be a guy at that size! I think you're just scared to come out as lesbian.Beside, you know i wouldn't ever be with a man. Here try on this cute romper I found in extra small-you'll be so cute in it." This conversation was held while I was in my locked bathroom and using a sock to pack because I don't know. It felt right, but how could I tell anyone? Who could I tell indeed in 1995? Now it's 2020. Is it time for me to find me yet? I'm scared but I'm gonna hit that submit topic button.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
16 hours ago, Just Lee said:

I'm scared but I'm gonna hit that submit topic button.

Thank you Lee for expanding on your original introduction. These are not only therapeutic to get down on ‘virtual‘ paper but it really helps us decompartmentalize our thoughts. I finally made the decision to transition after writing down stuff. I was in denial but when I saw it visually, my mission was suddenly clear to me.

I understand this feeling of everyone thinking you’re something you’re not. If you confront them and tell them the truth, they think you’re crazy. If you bury it, it festers and becomes the problem most trans folks deal with later in life. Like you, I lived most of my life living only a partial truth. It bothers me on occasion but I’ve confronted it head on and it seems to be the needed cure. I don’t know yet where you are on your journey but you are certainly on the right path. As I mentioned in one of your previous posts, reaching out as you have is a good step. Also, don’t be afraid of getting some professional assistance from a good therapist. I never knew how much they could help until I found a good one specializing in gender issues. They can also help you sort through some of these difficulties and help you work through them. The one thing my therapist did was help me look at my life through a completely different perspective...one I had never given any thought about. A good therapist can do the same for you. Thank you for pressing that ‘submit topic’ button.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

Link to comment

Hi Lee,

 

Welcome! It took a long time for me to find self acceptance. Since then, my life has been blissful! I hope you find it for yourself. 

 

Kay

Link to comment

Thank you so much for all this acceptance! This is amazing that I just shared half my life story and not one person insulted or condemned me for it. It means the world to me that you're so kind even though I'm brand new on this forum. Thank you just doesn't seem big enough. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
27 minutes ago, Just Lee said:

This is amazing that I just shared half my life story and not one person insulted or condemned me for it.

 

We don't do that here sweetie. This is a safe place. Also we'll bounce anybody who does that kind of thing so fast it would make your head spin. ?

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
7 hours ago, Just Lee said:

Since I was 16, I've been 5 ft even, 100 lbs. and the physical envy of all my female relatives. "You're so petite! I found this cute dress/skirt/floral print in extra small because I knew you'd look so cute in it. Try it on now! You'll be adorable!" I've been treated as a perpetual little dolly to dress up for my entire life. And each time I'd shrink further into myself and just obey, hating it with every fiber of my being.

I've been physically picked up twirled around by both family and random guys saying "Look how tiny she is! I can pick her up and toss her like a football!" And each time I had no choice but to submit to being literally manhandled because it proved someone else' "strength & virility" to grab me unsolicited. Less than a non entity. My own father's favorite phrase is "She's a doll," when talking about me or any other short female. Objections went unheeded and I was either dressed like a living dolly or thrown like a football as they all marveled at how I'm such a TINY LITTLE GIRL even at 49 years old.

? It's like reading my life story, except I didn't tell my parents anything bout being pan, cuz nah. Have known people even in the lgbtq tell me there is no way I'd pass.

 

7 hours ago, Just Lee said:

"Don't be stupid-you can't be a guy at that size! I think you're just scared to come out as lesbian.Beside, you know i wouldn't ever be with a man. Here try on this cute romper I found in extra small-you'll be so cute in it." This conversation was held while I was in my locked bathroom and using a sock to pack because I don't know. It felt right, but how could I tell anyone? Who could I tell indeed in 1995? Now it's 2020. Is it time for me to find me yet? I'm scared but I'm gonna hit that submit topic button.

?People can be really messed up. I pack and am both stranded between the constant feeling of blissful happiness and complete terror, and it doesn't get less uncomfortably.?

Thank you for posting and sharing your life experience with us.

Link to comment

Hi Lee, at 5'7 I am taller than my sisters but have always been the smallest of my "male" friends. Attitude counts for so much more than size. I oozed quiet confidence because of being a few years older than my friends. I only wished that I could be considered cute when looking into a mirror. Quite often fitting into the expected role is just easier, you give people what they are expecting. Sorry that you have been physically manhandled though. No one should be able to label you or tell you who you are. Thanks for sharing.

Link to comment
9 hours ago, Just Lee said:

And each time I'd shrink further into myself and just obey, hating it with every fiber of my being.

Welcome Lee.  We are so happy to have you here and hear your story and challenges.  As you now probably know most of us here have similar experiences.

50+ years for me.  For MtF its often the opposite conundrum with being too big, too tall, wrong proportions ... BALD! (haha). 

But (as stated by @VickySGV) in an earlier post about "passing" as your true identity..

"Another item is that while we look grotesque and misshapen to ourselves we are not as distinctive as we fear that we are."

Its all about how we feel about our true selves.  You've found a great place to learn and share.  Also @Susan R recommendation wrt therapy is a common theme.  Hoping to start mine soon.
Deep breaths  ... one step at a time

❤️
Kay

Link to comment

Hello Lee! It might surprise you to know that I will turn 70 this summer and have only within the past two years been able to sort things out and come to an understanding of myself. I'm glad you found us.

One of my problems - I'm sure you can relate from the opposite end of the spectrum - is that I'm too muscular to be a female, at least in the eyes of many. In reality, who we are is who the inside is. How the world sees us can be a variance with who we are, and the world can either like it or lump it.

Too bad there's not a swap machine available.

TA

Link to comment

Thank you Tammy Anne. I'm glad that you were able to come to an understanding of yourself, it's so important. I would gladly trade this tiny little ridiculous prison of a child/girl body for a larger form that matches the serious person I am inside, who I am in my mind and heart. My nicknames when I was younger were smurfy and thumbelina. It's like when someone sees a meme of a fluffy cute LITTLE Pomeranian 'puppy' and get stuck on the word aaawwww. Even if it's a full grown dog that's miserable. But no one can see past the tininess, nor do they care to. 

Link to comment
  • Admin

When you work with a Chorus that has 48 Trans and N/B people strong, you see all sizes of genders and more important, attitudes.  One of the Trans Males is your size and has literally taken down some people getting abusive with him, but yet has a beautiful Alto voice and really is the most laid back guy you can meet and enjoy being around.  We have a couple more that are on the low side of 5'6" that I can count on to help me with our audio gear including a couple of 4' high speakers.  You are who you are. BE THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE!  (BTW one of those guys is named Lee as well.) 

 

I am really sorry you had to put up the size baloney that you did.   You mentioned Thumbelina up there and I know you endured it just barely when it happened, but there is a song from a musical with the words "it doesn't matter even if you're  very small, when your heart is full of love you are 9 feet tall."  One point of this set of forums here is that we will encourage you to find love for yourself and that is what my other friends do to make them so happy to be who they are. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Vicky raises a good point. I have a cis-female friend your size (minus about two pounds, she's only 98) who I am absolutely certain can break me in half. For reference, I'm 5' 11" and about 220 lbs. Attitude counts for a lot.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Thank you so much for all this warmth and encouragement Vicky and Jackie! This forum and all of you kind people are turning out to be exactly what I need right now. It's so amazing to see all this support when I'm hurting. You are wonderful, strong, amazing people that I'm blessed to have on here. And yes Vicky, that line is why I'll always remember my nickname of Thumbelina.

 

And to anyone who's feeling the opposite of my littleness: Try not to be sad or disheartened at having a larger frame. I think it's because you have such BIG hearts and BIG compassion, that you need a bigger frame to try and contain it all ❤️ 

Link to comment

Welcome just lee, by the way your dogs in your pic are so cute. It’s sad how hurtful people can it doesn’t matter how big or small you are it doesn’t give people the right to judge you for it.  My whole time growing up I was made fun of for being overweight. I was always called titties because I had breasts which now I’m grateful for but and that time it was very hurtful. There are some truly wonderful people on here, and we’re always willing to talk.

Link to comment

Welcome Lee! We're glad you're here with us ? Thank you for sharing your story. I feel your experience, I've always had sympathy for women and afab people who were objectified like that. Being an mtf trans woman, I confess though that when I started transitioning a year ago, I thought I would like to be treated like that someday because it would feel validating perhaps, strangely. But now I get all kinds of chasers messaging me all kinds of sleazy things. It's demeaning, gross, scary and a little overwhelming even. I now understand what it's like to be objectified as a fem, it's awful. 

 

I'm 5'5", which for a guy is just shy of average height, but considered by many to be short. It's a handsome and average height for a woman. But anyway, before coming out, back when I was living as a guy, I never let my (lack of) height bother me, and I never let anyone belittle me so to speak. I lived like I was 6'9". I got into kickboxing matches and street fights with guys who were a foot and a half taller than me. I hit on people who were taller than me and/or that I knew only liked tall people. I was tall even though I'm only 5'5".

 

That is my word of wisdom to you. Be the big, strong, empowered person you want to be. Be larger than life! 

 

Btw I always felt like I was objectively a lil short for a guy, but now I feel a little too tall as a woman, lol...

 

~Toni

Link to comment

Thanks Emily. They were my rescues, Sadie and Muggle. The names you were called are hurtful beyond measure. I think kindness is so much easier, stronger and spreads more quickly because it's positive. Purposeful cruelty and hatred take a lot more effort than a kind word and takes far too much to sustain it. Don't let anyone body shame you because you're an amazing person. Besides, 'normal' body weight has such a vast range that worrying over individual poundage is needless. Being small isn't necessarily a feminine trait imo. My father is the tallest in his family and he's 5'6. He's a former marine gunnery sergeant and he still commands respect with just a look. My dad isn't the tallest man I know, but he's the most casually, calmly masculine person I'll ever know. 

 

Toni you have me laughing out loud. Having a guy aggressively hitting on you is the MOST VALIDATION YOU'LL EVER GET AS A WOMAN! I know of nothing more feminine, female and womanly than going about your own business only to have a strange man suddenly demand your attention. And average height is actually 5'7 for both men and women. 5'5 is considered short for men and women. Gorgeous supermodels that are admired far and wide are not under 5'7. Toni, sweetie, if you're getting random harassing icky DM's, congratulations because it's the most validating and womanly thing on the planet. Being importuned by strangers be it by text, loud whistles, car yells and the like are the most feminine way of life. 

 

All of the positivity has me smiling again. Thank you all for letting me go to sleep with Hope back in my life. 

 

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 134 Guests (See full list)

    • MaybeRob
    • Pip
    • Heather Shay
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,024
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alscully
      Alscully
      (35 years old)
    2. floruisse
      floruisse
      (40 years old)
    3. Jasmine25
      Jasmine25
      (22 years old)
    4. Trev0rK
      Trev0rK
      (26 years old)
  • Posts

    • Willow
      Good morning    Now @Abigail Genevieve and @Mmindy what makes you so certain I didn’t mean it to say bee itch certificate?  lol. Thanks Mindy. I was asleep when you saw this and fixed it, and yes Abigail, as a moderator I could have fixed it myself, or weren’t you pointing out the irony of that?   I use Alexis as my alarm to get up.  And I set the ringer to be two guys telling me to get up.  I was so sound asleep when they started telling me to get up that it scared me and my first thought were I had over slept.  Since I have a difficult time getting to sleep as early as I have to in order to get enough sleep I at least cut back my normal awake time to get ready.  But now I have to do my hair and get going.   enjoyed my coffee and a little time catching up   see you all later, for its hi ho hi ho it’s off to work I go.   Willow
    • EasyE
      Republicans have long committed grave errors by emphasizing their social agenda and moral issues instead of just focusing on the economy, lowering taxes, keeping the public safe, building a strong national defense, promoting business, touting reasonable immigration policies, etc.   The country would thrive economically under Trump's tax and business policies. That's a fact. Another four years of Biden will run this country into the ground financially (including all of our 401Ks and IRAs). But the GOP continues to play right into the Dems' hands by leading with their moral crusades instead of staying the course and trusting their fiscal policies to win the day... 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-news/hundreds-athletes-urge-ncaa-not-ban-trans-athletes-womens-sports-rcna149033     Carolyn Marie
    • KymmieL
      Well first day is over and now getting ready for bed soon. Work was OK.   Don't know why but I am feeling down. I am heading to bed. Good Night.   Kymmie
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I our time at my place.Both admit our sex life is good,got intimate for the 2nd time and he is good at it
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  I will look those up in the document, hopefully tomorrow.   I always look at the source on stuff like this, not what someone, particularly those adversarial, have to say. 
    • MaeBe
      LGBTQ rights Project 2025 takes extreme positions against LGBTQ rights, seeking to eliminate federal protections for queer people and pursue research into conversion therapies in order to encourage gender and sexuality conformity. The policy book also lays out plans to criminalize being transgender and prohibit federal programs from supporting queer people through various policies. The project partnered with anti-LGBTQ groups the Family Policy Alliance, the Center for Family and Human Rights, and the Family Research Council. Project 2025 calls for the next secretary of Health and Human Services to “immediately put an end to the department’s foray into woke transgender activism,” which includes removing terms related to gender and sexual identity from “every federal rule, agency regulation, contract, grant, regulation, and piece of legislation that exists.” The Trump administration proposed a similar idea in 2018 that would have resulted in trans people losing protections under anti-discrimination laws. [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023; The New Republic, 2/8/24] Similarly, the policy book calls for HHS to stop all research related to gender identity unless the purpose is conformity to one's sex assigned at birth. The New Republic explains: “That is, research on gender-nonconforming children and teenagers should be funded by the government, but only for the purpose of studying what will make them conform, such as denying them gender-affirming care and instead trying to change their identities through ‘counseling,’ which is a form of conversion therapy.” [The New Republic, 2/8/24] The policy book’s foreword by Kevin Roberts describes “the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children” as “pornography” that “should be outlawed,” adding, “The people who produce and distribute it should be imprisoned.” Roberts also says that “educators and public librarians who purvey it should be classed as registered sex offenders. And telecommunications and technology firms that facilitate its spread should be shuttered.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023] Roberts’ foreword states that “allowing parents or physicians to ‘reassign’ the sex of a minor is child abuse and must end.” Echoing ongoing right-wing attacks on trans athletes, Roberts also claims, “Bureaucrats at the Department of Justice force school districts to undermine girls’ sports and parents’ rights to satisfy transgender extremists.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023; TIME magazine, 5/16/22] Dame Magazine reports that Project 2025 plans to use the Department of Justice to crack down on states that “do not charge LGBTQ people and their allies with crimes under the pretense that they are breaking federal and state laws against exposing minors to pornography.” [Dame Magazine, 8/14/23] Project 2025 also calls for the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services to repeat “its 2016 decision that CMS could not issue a National Coverage Determination (NCD) regarding ‘gender reassignment surgery’ for Medicare beneficiaries.” The policy book’s HHS chapter continues: “In doing so, CMS should acknowledge the growing body of evidence that such interventions are dangerous and acknowledge that there is insufficient scientific evidence to support such coverage in state plans.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023] Going further, Project 2025 also demands that the next GOP administration “reverse policies that allow transgender individuals to serve in the military.” The policy book’s chapter on the Defense Department claims: “Gender dysphoria is incompatible with the demands of military service, and the use of public monies for transgender surgeries … for servicemembers should be ended.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023]   …summaries of what’s within the rest of the document re: LGBTQ+ concerns. A person can believe their gender is fixed but incongruent with their physiology, but the authors and Trump (by his own words) just see the incongruity of an “expressed gender” that conflicts with what was/is in a person’s pants.
    • Mmindy
      Good catch… I took care of it.
    • Sally Stone
      I'm tired of the two-party system.  It has degraded to a system where there are only two diametrically opposed views, neither of which supports me.  I have conservative views regarding big government and government spending but I have very liberal views when it comes to protecting the rights of individuals.  And just elections of the past, I am stuck with two choices, neither of which I support. With only two parties, each with agendas that are off the left and right scales, I am not adequately represented.    Finally, I'm okay with party affiliated politicians running for office using their party views, but once elected to office, they are obligated to support the entire electorate not just the electorate members that voted for them.  Plain and simple, our government system is broken and dysfunctional.  I'll step down from my soapbox now.     
    • Sally Stone
      Thanks Mae.  She was an amazing friend and I grew to love her like a sister.
    • Sally Stone
      I did Ashley.  Non-rev travel was one of the major factors for taking the job.  At the time, US Airways had the best non-rev policy in the industry.  It cost $10 to fly coach and $25 to fly first class.  We flew first class whenever there were seats available.  
    • Abigail Genevieve
      You should have a moderator fix what you meant to write as "birth certificate".  Ooops.   I've gone over that verse and am wholly and completely dissatisfied with the SBC exegesis of it, so much so that it was one of the things that helped me break out of a mindset of guit.  Sometime I may strut by stuff as a Hebraist and show what it really means.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I found this   — 450 — Mandate for Leadership: The Conservative Promise Goal #1: Protecting Life, Conscience, and Bodily Integrity. The Secretary should pursue a robust agenda to protect the fundamental right to life, protect con- science rights, and uphold bodily integrity rooted in biological realities, not ideology. From the moment of conception, every human being possesses inherent dignity and worth, and our humanity does not depend on our age, stage of development, race, or abilities. The Secretary must ensure that all HHS programs and activities are rooted in a deep respect for innocent human life from day one until natural death: Abortion and euthanasia are not health care. A robust respect for the sacred rights of conscience, both at HHS and among gov- ernments and institutions funded by it, increases choices for patients and program beneficiaries and furthers pluralism and tolerance. The Secretary must protect Americans’ civil rights by ensuring that HHS programs and activities follow the letter and spirit of religious freedom and conscience-protection laws. Radical actors inside and outside government are promoting harmful identity politics that replaces biological sex with subjective notions of “gender identity” and bases a person’s worth on his or her race, sex, or other identities. This destructive dogma, under the guise of “equity,” threatens American’s fundamental liberties as well as the health and well-being of children and adults alike. The next Secretary must ensure that HHS programs protect children’s minds and bodies and that HHS programs respect parents’ basic right to direct the upbringing, education, and care of their children.   https://static.project2025.org/2025_MandateForLeadership_CHAPTER-14.pdf   First, that is not much, if that is all that is of concern.  Secondly, I have seen all sorts of anti-Trump slander, including the Steele dossier and the lawfare he is now undergoing, to be cynical of any criticism against him, and indirectly this document.    He deserves some of what he is getting, but not all.  Thirdly, I bolded one statement of concern.   I don't think gender identity is subjective.  "Radical actors" is name calling, and there is a lot of that going around.  Maybe I am not seeing everything of concern or reading this right, but i would discuss with the author of this document concerning this.
    • Willow
      Good evening   well I finally finished reading my textbook.  Yeah.  But I still have a lot more to go for the class.     My endocrinologist always asks me about lactation.  And yes I have had some very small amounts of leakage but not on any regular basis.  I figure I blocked the discharge Duce when I pierced my nipples with scare tissue.  But who knows.  I also get asked about mammograms.  I e had my first or baseline and this fall I will need to schedule my second.   As someone in the midst of studying the Old Testament, I can say that I haven’t found any mention of pending damnation for being transgender or intersex.  The closest it comes is a verse that says men should not wear women’s clothing.  Now I don’t know each and everyone’s particulars, but I know I meet the medical definition of female gender, and even in Ohio, a State that until recently refused to allow birth certificates to be changed, I meet the criteria.  Therefore I can only conclude I am not a man wearing women’s clothing.  But there is a somewhat different scholarly explanation of that law that it should not be taken as literally as the haters want.  Mostly men should not pretend to be women to ex ape from their enemies. Or tried to hide from God.     willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Well, the left wing has been doing that.    I read a few things while trying to find out what the problem is and liked what I read.  But I am a conservative.    Is there something specific in there that is of concern?  Does it promise somewhere to erase trans folk? That would be problematic.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...