Questioning and feeling alone

[Julia]

So I’m afab and have been questioning my gender for probably more than a year now, and my biggest issue is that I can’t seem to find other people who approached/are approaching questioning from the same angle or are having a similar experience to me. Obviously everyone’s experiences are different, but it seems like I can’t find even a shred of familiarity anywhere. 
My issue isn’t that I don’t have access to resources or definitions (I have probably read them all multiple times), or that anyone close to me would be particularly unaccepting, or even that I’ve grown up in an especially cisnormative environment. I can barely explain or conceptualize how I feel about my gender so how can I relate it to any terms?

All media shows about questioning is like this:

Person A: *says something that indicates not being cis*

Person B: well what do you know, here’s a webpage with convenient definitions of gender identities

Person A: *looks at them all and keeps going back to one* this...speaks to me

Person A: *comes out*

But for me I learned all the terms when I thought I was just an ally, and I still can’t figure out what suits me. 

I know that I don’t have to find a label but I would really like to find SOME sort of clarity and structure because that’s what makes most sense to me. 
I have a lot of anxiety that makes it hard for me, like that I’m just trying to get more diversity points or something???(ridiculous) and whenever Reddit threads or wherever say “if you’re questioning it, probably means you’re not cis” it does not help me to feel more valid. [this is exactly what the sexuality forums said and surprise surprise I’m bi/ace but still]
Find your gender quizzes are usually garbage but it still bothers me when the questions ask “how do you feel about your assigned gender” because...I don’t know that’s why I’m here. 
Specific things I feel:

Breasts are usually fine, but sometimes I really love wearing a sports bra to look flatter and if I could acquire a refundable binder to try out but send back if it actually doesn’t help would be great. 
If I have any dysphoria it’s very minor; I feel like I mostly just have Euphoria or Confusion.

When there’s a gender option on a form I get excited if I don’t have to pick female or male, and will choose ‘other‘ if no one is watching me fill it out. 
I feel really great presenting femininely like 90% of the time with no issues.

My feelings on being afab vs amab and how I feel about my body are very weird and probably need another thread to discuss.

Sometimes I think I want to try different pronouns (like I feel sort of neutral that people use she/her now, wouldn’t want he/him, but would try they/them or neopronouns) 

Until recently I used the women’s washroom with no qualms, but lately I realized how happy using a genderneutral washroom makes me so now I think about it more. 
If I have to identify myself as female or hear others say that about me it feels uncomfortable and like I’m hiding something (anxiety brain tells me it’s just cause I’ve been thinking about it all so much) 

A lot of the things which I think are gender euphoria are like stereotypically feminine things (dresses, nail polish, shaving legs), which doesn’t help me to feel validated because “I would do that anyway if I wasn’t questioning”  
 

This is long and it’s really late and it’s probably incoherent lol but I just want to hear other people’s opinions on this. 

(PS, I’m new and if anyone can tell me the difference between using quick topic and start new topic I would be so grateful)

[tracy_j]

Hi Julia, welcome to Trans Pulse ?

 

You have come to a good place to learn about the things you are feeling, or at least other peoples experiences of similar things. You are not alone and among friends here. Please don't hesisitate to read around and join in the discussions. You will learn a lot.

At the moment , as I think you realise, you are tending to over-think things. Don't worry about exactly what something is called or how you may describe yourself in definitions. These don't matter as much as understanding your feelings and living with them. That way you will relax into who you are rather than who you feel society will classify you as. You need to explore to understand and there is professional help available, in the shape of gender therapists, if or when you may need them. Please ask questions if you want as there are many here with experience or similar thoughts.

 

Tracy

 

[Guest]

Welcome julia  glad you found us hugs

[Jackie C.]

Hey Julia! Like @tracy_j said, labels don't matter. The only labels that matter are "Julia" and "Me." The trick is finding out who you are and what you like. If you're mostly happy with your gender, but like the occasional stroll to the other side, consider cross dressing. I have a friend who does that to relieve stress and it works fine for him. If that's not enough, then maybe look into more permanent treatments, but it's perfectly OK to experiment a little. Figure out who you are. I'd also suggest finding a gender therapist (or heck, just a regular therapist) who can help you by holding your hand on your voyage of discovery.

 

Whatever you choose, welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you're here. Feel free to read, explore and chime in when the mood strikes. Someone is always ready with encouragement and friendly advice should you need it.

 

Hugs!

[Mmindy]

Good morning Julia,

 

Like you I'm new here, and just want to let you know that while you may be by yourself, you're not alone in your feelings.

 

>Hugs<

 

Mmindy