Very confused about my gender identity

[Sad_Skies]

Hi everyone. I’m completely new here and to be honest I’m a bit anxious posting anything at all, but I figured I’d try going out of my comfort zone a bit.

I’m here because I’m extremely confused about my gender identity. I’m AFAB, and when I was a young kid (pre-puberty) I never really thought about my gender at all. When I hit puberty, I didn’t necessarily like it, but I didn’t hate it either since I realized it was something that was bound to happen since it happened to my older siblings. It’s only really been since middle school that I’ve started questioning my gender (I’m almost a senior in high school now). It was in middle school that I met some other transgender kids in my grade and I’d occasionally question if I was like them. For a long while now I’ve had this gnawing feeling that I “want” to be a boy or that I should be one, but every time thoughts like that would enter my brain I’d panic and shove them away and not think about them.

I feel the most comfortable wearing more “masculine” clothing (but it’s very hard for me to do that since I’m barely 5’1 and nothing in the men’s section seems to fit me). I’ve also always hated how short I am and from very young on I wanted to be the tallest in the family (I ended up being the shortest). For years now I’ve wanted to get my hair cut super short into a more “boyish/androgynous” look, but my parents won’t allow it because they want me to look “like a woman”.

 Anyway, It’s only really been recently (given the whole quarantine and me having a lot more time to myself) that I’ve started giving those gender-related thoughts more attention. Recently I’ve been dealing with back and forth discourse in my mind where I’ve “come to the conclusion” many times that I am a trans man, but then I’ll think “no that’s not right, I must be non-binary since I don’t constantly have top/bottom dysphoria!” and then I’ll have a panic attack thinking about what my family would say if I came out, and I try hard to convince myself that I’m just “being silly/going through a phase/overthinking it”.
Honestly I’m just quite stuck and don’t know what to do. I’ve already talked to my mom about it and she’s extremely sad and confused and I feel very guilty and awful for making her feel that way. I told my therapist and she recommended I go find a website like this one to help me cope while she tries to help me find a gender therapist.
Sorry for this being so long, I just wanted to provide a good amount of detail. I guess my main questions are, is it possible to not have known you were trans from a very young age? Is it possible to have dysphoria that fluctuates pretty randomly? How do you deal with guilt that you’re being a burden on your loved ones? Am I just going through some phase? Thanks in advance to anyone that can try and help me ❤️

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Sad_Skies said:

I guess my main questions are, is it possible to not have known you were trans from a very young age? Is it possible to have dysphoria that fluctuates pretty randomly? How do you deal with guilt that you’re being a burden on your loved ones? Am I just going through some phase? Thanks in advance to anyone that can try and help me ❤️

Welcome @Sad_Skies, It’s nice to meet you. It’s been mentioned several times but every trans experience is different. Some experiences are more similar than others but you can count on the fact that what your experiencing right now is unique to you. That doesn’t mean you can’t learn from us and we from you. The combined insights give us all a vast amount of knowledge base to sift through. I can give my opinion on some of your questions but take it with a grain of salt. I’m certainly no expert but I’ll give you my take.

 

Is it possible to not have known you were trans from a very young age?

Yes, I was one of those that knew at age 4 for sure and possibly younger. Many others here have discovered they’re trans later in life and have moved forward with transition despite that fact and done just fine. This doesn’t mean transition is right for you....thus therapy is very helpful as you probably have already found out.

 

Is it possible to have dysphoria that fluctuates pretty randomly?

I don’t experience it as much these days probably because I’m no longer in denial about myself and am actively moving toward becoming on the outside what I’ve always known on the inside. That helps but I still get dysphoria on occasion. It hits sometimes when I least expect. It’s caused me pain and suffering that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. So yes, it fluctuates and is random with at least one person...me.

 

How do you deal with guilt that you’re being a burden on your loved ones?

I think you’re looking at it from the wrong perspective. You’re on this earth to become the best person you can be and to live your life to it’s fullest. This requires you to be true to who you are inside. Can you truly conform yourself your entire life to what others believe you should be just because of their preconceived notions, beliefs or indoctrination? No, just imagine the reverse. Would you want anyone to suppress themselves for your benefit so you can be at ease with your understanding of what they should be? Of course not. It’s seems simple but society does this to everyone to some degree and we accept it many times by suppressing ourselves in various ways. Live your life without guilt because of who you are! You deserve it.

 

Am I just going through some phase?

Of course, it’s possible but not likely based on everything I’ve learned and experienced. We all experience temporary phases in our life. Some phases are more profound than others. Some phases help us define who we are, others we realize are just a flash in the pan. Understanding your gender can sometimes take a lifetime to understand and define for ourselves especially if you suppress or live in denial about what you want and need. I would continue with your therapist and if they're good, they may be able to help you determine what makes you happy and sad, how you want to be perceived emotionally and socially, what roles you prefer, how you want to present, whether or not transition is for you, and the list goes on. There’s no hurry as you are still very young and have a full life ahead of you. Don’t worry about labels either. so many of us get hung up if we don’t fit into one or another. Just take small steps and learn as much as you can.

 

Thanks for sharing some of yourself today. I look forward to learning more about your journey.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

 

 

 

 

[Sad_Skies]

Thank you so much for your help, @Susan R ! I really can’t describe how much everything you said meant to me.
 

I know a lot of my problem with going back in forth in my head about how I identify stems from me being a generally anxious person who overthinks things a lot. My current therapist specializes in anxiety and isn’t extremely well informed on lgbtq topics, so I’m hoping I can maybe try meeting with a therapist who specializes in gender alongside her.

 

I especially appreciate your take on me being guilty. You’re right: I shouldn’t try pleasing everyone and making everyone else happy with me, as well as basing myself, the way I act, and the way I present on other’s expectations of me. That’s very good advice that I’ll definitely be reminding myself of whenever I feel waves of guilt wash over me. All in all, I very much appreciate your help and advice. Thank you for being so kind and for sharing your experience! ?

[michelle_kitten]

Hi, Sad Skies. 

 

I would like to contribute a couple of thoughts:

 

First, don't feel pressure to hurry through this process.  You can be "in the process of learning" in regards to your gender.  That's totally okay.  "I don't know right now" is a perfectly legit place to be.  You can totally take your time, talk to a therapist, read, watch videos, and eventually, you will get the clarity you are wanting.  You can declare yourself NB or Fluid for now, and change to trans man or cis female later if you wish.  Nothing is set in stone.  This is a journey, not a destination.

 

Secondly, and i say this to a lot of folks, be honest and authentic.  If comes down to a point where you feel you need to transition, do so to avoid living a lie and trying to fit yourself into something in which you don't belong.  You are going to be a better you, not only for you, but for others in your life if you are being honest and not trying to behave as something you're not.

 

It can be good to be uncertain and even confused.  Sometimes questioning leads us to seek answers.  When we find the answers we need, a certain confidence comes with that.  If you take the time to allow yourself to ask questions and seek answers you will feel much better about your choice in the end and be certain it is right for you.  That confidence produces power.  Confidence is social power and it is the power to overcome obstacles.  People are attracted to confident people.  Confident people aren't easily overwhelmed by problems.  It is okay to be confused.  It won't last forever.  Don't feel guilty or defective about questioning, ever.

 

I am confident you will sort this all out.  It may take a year or two even, which sounds like forever.  It isn't forever, and you are young and have plenty of time to transition, if that's what you decide to do.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Sad_Skies said:

I told my therapist and she recommended I go find a website like this one to help me cope while she tries to help me find a gender therapist.

Welcome, Sad Skies!  We are all very happy to have you join us here, and you are fortunate to have a therapist who is truly looking out for your well being.
You've already received some great personal experiences and perspective from other Members here and I am sure you will find this forum helpful.
You are also fortunate that this self-discovery is coming at an age where you will soon experience an "opening" into a world of freedom and growth as you move into the world of adulthood (and .. unfortunately confusion, pain, and struggle that comes with adulthood .. that's just Life regardless of your gender identity).   But your Questions you are asking indicates a high level of self-awareness and compassion. 
 

Many of us here took 50-60 years to reach the point you are already at.  So, you have time and youth in your corner.

Please lean on us as much as you need, and as you grow you will also be able to help others here with your experiences also.

[Sad_Skies]

Hi michelle_kitten and KayC,

 

Thank you so much for your responses! You’re right, I have a lot of time left to figure this out, and how I choose to identify now isn’t set in stone. Honestly it makes me feel a lot better hearing that some people have taken even longer than me to figure out their identity; it makes me feel not as alone in my process of self-discovery.

 

I thought your view on confidence was very interesting, michelle_kitten. I know for me personally that I feel my most confident and comfortable in myself when I’m presenting on the more “masculine” side of the spectrum, and typically feel less confident when forced to look super “girly” (i.e. wear makeup, wear a dress, wear heels, etc.). I’m not a very confident person in general, but I agree with you when you say that seeking out answers and finding those answers can lead to confidence. It has for me on various occasions!

 

I very much appreciate both of your responses! Thank you so much! I’m planning on looking through some other forums on here since so far so many of you seem to be super kind, honest, and extremely helpful. You rock! ❤️