I wish I were a little more brave

[purpleboots]

Hi,

 

A couple of months ago, I discovered that I'm on the non-binary spectrum, or rather I discovered the language to start to describe my identity.

I am both terrified about this (including coming out), and excited (I make more sense to me). Over the past few weeks/months, this has been taking up a lot of my internal resources - I don't want to be hidden from my friends anymore (I'm also bisexual - or probably pansexual but identified with bisexual first), which is making it hard for me to concentrate on my work, study, exercise and life generally.

 

However, I've read more than enough hurtful and bigoted internet comments to know that I cannot assume that any coming out will have a positive reception. I am lucky in that I am AFAB and completely straight passing. I wish I were a little more brave.

[NB Adult]

49 minutes ago, purpleboots said:

Hi,

 

A couple of months ago, I discovered that I'm on the non-binary spectrum, or rather I discovered the language to start to describe my identity.

I am both terrified about this (including coming out), and excited (I make more sense to me). Over the past few weeks/months, this has been taking up a lot of my internal resources - I don't want to be hidden from my friends anymore (I'm also bisexual - or probably pansexual but identified with bisexual first), which is making it hard for me to concentrate on my work, study, exercise and life generally.

 

However, I've read more than enough hurtful and bigoted internet comments to know that I cannot assume that any coming out will have a positive reception. I am lucky in that I am AFAB and completely straight passing. I wish I were a little more brave.

Hello Purpleboots!

 

Non-binary doesn't really require coming out to anyone or any hard and fast attempt at transitioning. You just gradually become the person you feel you are, incrementally and at your own comfortable pace. Gradual style and behavior changes are easily acceptable by family and friends.

[TommieAnne]

Hi Purpleboots, as NB Adult says, it doesn't really require much aside from being yourself. I am sort of in that spectrum, but more inclined to be female so I picked "Transfeminine" which seems to fit. Until I change again. I'm transmutable which doesn't seem to be a category. But the main thing is coming to a place of being yourself.

I no longer get wrapped up in labeling. It only really matters for someone who wants to get snuggly with me anyway.

TA

[NB Adult]

TammyAnne,

 

 

Good comment about catagories and labeling, I feel the same about not getting one's panties in a wad over the stupid business of pronouns which does nothing more than create a bigger gulf between friends and loved ones. We're all human beings of various stripe which is simple. I've been asked, "What should I call you?" I say, "For starters how about by my name, and as for anything else, be polite and trust whatever your eyes are telling you!"

[KayC]

Hi Purpleboots and Welcome! 
I think you have found a great place to start here in the Forum.  Its a safe a respectful landing spot and I believe as you read the experiences and interact with more Members you will find a lot of commonality in our stories and challenges.  Hopefully its helpful for you.

Take your time and don't be shy.  Looking forward to hearing more from you.

[GraceH]

Hi Purpleboots,

 

I sometimes find the trans girls a little intimidating because they know what they are.  They have a clean label.  I don't, maybe you don't either.   But there is space for non-binary and it is a valid thing.  It's valid even if you don't come out to everyone or anyone.

 

Peace and hugs,

Grace

 

[Susan R]

15 hours ago, purpleboots said:

However, I've read more than enough hurtful and bigoted internet comments to know that I cannot assume that any coming out will have a positive reception.

Hi @purpleboots Nice to meet you. The good news...You’ve stumbled into a forum that does not tolerate ‘hurtful and bigoted‘ dialog. You’ll find us to be a very friendly bunch (after our morning coffee, of course) and will try to help you any way we can.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Just Lee]

Hi and welcome Purpleboots, 

You've found a friendly, welcoming and non judging forum here! This place is chock full of kind people who will let you find you, however long that takes and help you along the way. You're among friends now. 

[purpleboots]

On 5/25/2020 at 10:45 AM, sleepinflame said:

Hi Purpleboots,

 

I sometimes find the trans girls a little intimidating because they know what they are.  They have a clean label.  I don't, maybe you don't either.   But there is space for non-binary and it is a valid thing.  It's valid even if you don't come out to everyone or anyone.

 

Peace and hugs,

Grace

 

 

Hi sleepinflame,

 

I don't have a clean label either and pronouns do matter a bit to me. I have been desperately trying to change the idea of woman to encompass me, but it just doesn't and it never has.

 

I understand that I don't have to come out, but not coming out has its own costs!

 

Thanks for the messages of validation :).

 

purpleboots

 

 

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome!

Was once in that place, not knowing where I fit, how to even apply, but also not applying to that label assuming me to a position, I never quite felt fit, was maddening. But I'm fine with Mx. and they. It does the trick enough for me and fits well enough.

Glad you joined us. Hope you find your fit, but for now you fit here just fine.?

[GraceH]

10 hours ago, purpleboots said:

I understand that I don't have to come out, but not coming out has its own costs

It does have it's costs.  I've used this line before, but I read a memoir entitled, "Yes, You're Trans enough!" and concluded, "No, no, I'm not trans enough."  So I have a hard time saying what it is when I come out to a friend.  And it's even harder because, while most people don't really get the dire need of MtF or FtM people to transition, they can kind of understand the concept of,  "girl brain in boy body".  It does make sense.    I get the feeling it's harder for some random person to get "I have lots of girl things in my brain and all the boy things."  I can see the attraction of using "they" just to shake people's minds loose.  How do I even know what the girl things are and what the boy things are?  It's a big puzzle, totally aside from coming out.

 

--Grace

 

 

[Erikka]

I think the what matters most is self acceptance. Once you can accept who you are, in your heart acceptance, then it won’t matter what people think of you. This works for me  until, and unfortunately, my siblings get involved. My ex, my children, and the vast majority of my friends see Erikka. My sibs are my one stumbling block. I go grocery shopping at a supermarket that caters to a more right leaning clientele, sometimes in a dress and no one seems to care. Two years ago I vowed I was going to be unapologetically trans and I have succeeded at every level except for the sibs. I tell myself that I don’t like them anyway, but inside I do care, and that kicks in my fear that I am probably not trans enough. That’s when I put on a skirt and blouse or maybe a cute top and killer jeans and sandals and then walk out the door knowing that yes I am trans enough. 
Hang in there. 

[purpleboots]

Hi @sleepinflame , I hadn't actually thought of it, but I kind of agree that using "they" might also push people into actually thinking about gender. I don't know if I am "trans enough". I just know that the gender binary doesn't make sense and I cannot fit myself in it and that this causes me some distress and I don't feel like I am living authentically by trying to make it fit. Would you recommend reading, "Yes, you're trans enough"?

 

Hi @Erikka,  thanks and sorry to hear about your siblings! I fear telling my family because I don't think they'll get nonbinary. I agree that self acceptance is important!

[purpleboots]

18 hours ago, Mx.Drago said:

Hello and Welcome!

Was once in that place, not knowing where I fit, how to even apply, but also not applying to that label assuming me to a position, I never quite felt fit, was maddening. But I'm fine with Mx. and they. It does the trick enough for me and fits well enough.

Glad you joined us. Hope you find your fit, but for now you fit here just fine.?

 I have tried using Mx. on a subscription. It's OK - it feels a bit weird, and I'd rather not have to use any titles but it kinda works ?.

[Mx.Drago]

2 hours ago, purpleboots said:

 I have tried using Mx. on a subscription. It's OK - it feels a bit weird, and I'd rather not have to use any titles but it kinda works ?.

? I agree, I'm not one to like applying titles normally, but with every crack I hope to break the ice on the issue so I can get some air, it does the job well enough. I mainly use it here to support the usefulness of the title. Can't do it physically publicly at the moment, unless I'm looking for a target tattooed to my forehead, short lose my job. The things we do to keep the chaos to a minimum. It does feel weird at first, felt the same way. But new things are always weird in the beginning, it's with continue use it starts to grow on you.

[GraceH]

17 hours ago, purpleboots said:

Would you recommend reading, "Yes, you're trans enough"?

I didn't get all the way through.  It was useful to me, but coming to this site was more useful.  It's really useful to read the sections about feeling alienated from the boys and wanting to be with the girls, but that appears in so many stories.  The piece that I was trying to figure out for myself is why don't I care so much about presenting as a girl IRL.  Here, I present as a girl because it's my inner self and I feel very girly inside most of the time.  But I just don't need to present that way for casual interactions in the grocery store.  I think.  I guess I won't know until I try it.  Still figuring it out, but I don't feel the aching need which so many here express.  I feel the aching need to communicate as we do here, that's where I feel most girly.  I want to interact IRL that way with my friends and that's the biggest mystery for me, how to get those interactions with close friends.  I think I understand it now, I was always holding back because I didn't want to be seen as being flirting.  Now I can just say what I want honestly and I think it will turn out better.  After quarantine, right?

 

All of that leads me to the most important thing, which it is all very individual.   I read and I read and I read.  I find authors who have a voice who seem similar to my inner voice, but no one is the same.  I'd say my closest match is Adrienne Nash.  I like her because she resonates so much with me.  We're all different sparkly snowflakes, that makes it hard for us to figure out what we are.  But it is all valid.

 

Hugs

--Grace