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Tori M

Brain dysphoria?

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Tori M

This might sound contradictory since our gender dysphoria comes *from* our brains and I'm about to turn that back on itself.  Maybe I've been thinking too much and have gotten things all twisted around, but here goes.  For the most part, people like us talk about dysphoria with our physical characteristics.  I've been thinking about something that, for the moment, I'm calling brain dysphoria.  Since I was a child, one of my main envies of cis women has always been their mental action/reaction to the world.  A simple example would be how a man might get angry at a certain situation whereas a woman might cry at the same situation.  There's "women's intuition", a function that we've all seen that mystifies the majority of men.  There's the way women seem naturally more skilled at using language/expression to control situations and outcomes.  I think (and have not researched yet) that these differences are caused by the way our brains are "wired".  I'm assuming we all agree that women process things differently than men.

 

When I started HRT back in 2003, within weeks I started feeling little rewirings in my mind.  I started reacting to things ever-so-slightly different.  One surprising and almost immediate change was my sensitivity and reaction to odors, which I saw as both a physical olfactory change as well as changes in brain processing.  Another shocker:  Music is my thing and I'm almost never without it.  But my focus has always been mostly the music part, not so much the lyrics.  Suddenly one day, like a flipped switch and with astonishing clarity, I heard all the lyrics that I had never paid any attention to. I believe that change was entirely about auditory processing in the brain since the lyrics had always been there.  And it wasn't a fluke; it stayed with me throughout my HRT experience.

 

Later, I began crying at some situations that used to make me angry.  I'm not saying that I just had more empathy or emotion, I'm saying the way I processed things changed.  I watched closely over time as I gained more of that mysterious women's intuition.  My initial actions (not just reactions) gradually became markedly different and subsequently like most cis women's approach to things as simple as opening a door.  Without any conscious effort, I became more keenly aware of tiny facial expressions in the people around me.  My language skills increased.  My spatial awareness changed.  I mapped driving directions differently.  My female partner observed the changes in me too, which we attributed to rewiring of the brain.  All of this came to me as a complete and pleasant surprise, by the way.  When starting HRT I had not anticipated these dramatic changes in the way my mind functioned.  It felt great!

 

But in 2012, I stopped taking hormones for medical reasons.  For a while, nothing much changed and I wondered (hoped) if some of the changes made might be permanent.  After a couple of years I noticed that I was not as feminine in my thinking and that special intuition thing seemed to be fading.  I didn't cry as easily of course, though I've always been a bit of a crybaby.  More frequently I got angry/pushy with tasks and people.  Now, after 8 years without estrogen, I seem to think and process things more like a man, although I've always defaulted to somewhere in the middle.  My language skills have decreased.  I once again listen to mostly non-lyrical music.  My approach to everyday life -- pleasure, pain, challenges, learning, tasks, loss, interpersonal relationships -- has switched back to what I used to hate.  I hate the way my brain works again.  In a male/female sense.  I hate it as much and in the same way as I hate the male junk I still have to put up with down below.  And I desperately miss the more feminine brain that had developed.

 

The reason I'm examining this is that one of the main reasons I'm seeing a new doctor to get back on hormones is that I want my female brain processing back.  It's not going to change very much for me body-wise; I already have breasts.  My T these days is in the low 200's.  My skin and hair are still fairly nice.  I'll get some welcomed re-shrinkage and hopefully restore some now vanished feminine fat areas.  But my main drive to get restarted is to get that more feminine brain wiring restored.

 

Is this just something I'm imagining?  It seems absolutely real to me.  And, I feel like it's almost a separate issue from the physical body dysphoria we always talk about.  That "thinking like a woman" brain gave me a lot of congruence that felt really good.  If we can be dysphoric of our bodies, can we have the same issue with our brains?  Does anyone else suffer this feeling/need/desire?  In particular, assuming that a trans person's brain is already somewhat wired toward the other gender, does HRT really create more physical changes in the brain?  Is it in actuality those changes that helps placate our GD?  My personal experience says it does.  Maybe I'm misusing the word dysphoria in this case.  Anyway, this is just something I've been thinking about a lot and I could use some other input/opinions.

 

Tori

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Just Lee

Tori, I don't believe it's your imagination at all. Women's intuition, I've noticed, is about awareness and a very keen sensitivity that many men don't notice. As an afab, I hope my suggestion helps you.  I've posited that it starts with my glass of water exercise. Place a glass of water on the table or desk in front of you. Now here's where you can search for, find and tap into this. Here's we go!

 

Place your non dominant hand about 5 inches from the glass and close your eyes. Breathe on a steady 1-----2------3 count in and out 3 times before each movement. Open your mouth slightly and lick your lips. What can you smell this second? Is there a lingering odor of food from your last meal? Is there a faint breeze coming from the window over there? Can you almost taste something that you can smell so slightly right now?

 

Move your hand  a LITTLE closer to the glass, resting that hand on the surface before you. Is it hot or cold around? Is the table or desk warming beneath your hand? How fast? Feel your forearm and where it's resting right now. Is there a sleeve or is it a bare arm? If it's a bare arm, can you feel anything with all those little hairs on your arm? A movement? A temperature? What's the temperature difference between your forearm underneath and the top of your hand?

 

Move your hand slowly as close to the glass as you can without touching it--keep your eyes closed and hand once again resting on the surface. Is there a clock ticking? Is there an appliance humming? How do your feet feel? Are you wearing comfy shoes? What do your toes feel right now? Physically, and temperature and restrictions or lack thereof--what do your toes feel? Is there hair touching the back or sides of your neck? Lick your upper lip to catch the skin just above it and open your eyes. 

 

When you're ready for the second part, let me know ;) 

 

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Jackie C.

No, I completely get what you're saying @Tori M. When I briefly went off HRT for my surgery I was TERRIFIED that I'd go back to being "old me." I do not want to go back. Brr.

 

Hugs!

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Tori M
1 hour ago, Just Lee said:

Tori, I don't believe it's your imagination at all. Women's intuition, I've noticed, is about awareness and a very keen sensitivity that many men don't notice. As an afab, I hope my suggestion helps you.  I've posited that it starts with my glass of water exercise. Place a glass of water on the table or desk in front of you. Now here's where you can search for, find and tap into this. Here's we go!

 

Place your non dominant hand about 5 inches from the glass and close your eyes. Breathe on a steady 1-----2------3 count in and out 3 times before each movement. Open your mouth slightly and lick your lips. What can you smell this second? Is there a lingering odor of food from your last meal? Is there a faint breeze coming from the window over there? Can you almost taste something that you can smell so slightly right now?

 

Move your hand  a LITTLE closer to the glass, resting that hand on the surface before you. Is it hot or cold around? Is the table or desk warming beneath your hand? How fast? Feel your forearm and where it's resting right now. Is there a sleeve or is it a bare arm? If it's a bare arm, can you feel anything with all those little hairs on your arm? A movement? A temperature? What's the temperature difference between your forearm underneath and the top of your hand?

 

Move your hand slowly as close to the glass as you can without touching it--keep your eyes closed and hand once again resting on the surface. Is there a clock ticking? Is there an appliance humming? How do your feet feel? Are you wearing comfy shoes? What do your toes feel right now? Physically, and temperature and restrictions or lack thereof--what do your toes feel? Is there hair touching the back or sides of your neck? Lick your upper lip to catch the skin just above it and open your eyes. 

 

When you're ready for the second part, let me know ;) 

 

Ok, finished.  I'm pretty sensitive to all those things, but it takes a little focus to identify them.  On HRT, sensations almost "assaulted" me.  It did seem like the closer I moved my hand, the easier it became.  Also, I could almost feel the glass without touching it.

What's next?

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Just Lee

You're doing great! Next is time to use your nose and hair. 

Pat your hair so it's touching your ears just a little bit-make sure you can really feel it. Just a little-not all of it lol. Get some of your favorite scented lotion and dab some on each palm, rubbing it in mostly but not totally. Looking down always at your feet, feel the hair slide forward to your ears. Put the tiniest bit of lotion on the lobes of your ears then place your hands carefully by your sides as you stand. Lick your lips and open your mouth slightly, taking in the scent of the lotion. Can you you smell your hair? Your shampoo? styling products? Breathe it all in. Remember your 1-----2------3 inhale, exhale. Are your ears damp? How sensitive do your ears feel with your head still bent to your feet and the hair touching--your neck, ears, cheeks, face? Are your palms cooler? 

 

Walk slowly to the nearest door, eyes to your feet. What kind of shoes are you wearing? Have you had a good pedicure? Did you use a neutral color for your toenail polish? Place your right palm on the doorknob and rest it there. Is it cool metal? Look at it-is it reflective? Are you standing on carpet? Tiles? Wood? Linoleum? Rug? Remove your hand but try to hold it in that position as you walk to the next closest door. Are you still looking at your feet? Good!

 

Here's the trickier part. With your other hand, tuck back one side of your hair, breathing in the scent of that lotion on your hand. Move that same hand to the back of your neck, briefly lifting the hair and rest your hand on the side of your neck. Feel the pulse that beats beneath it while you walk. Is the lotion now dried completely? Now your neck is warming the lotion from your hand so lick your lips and partially open your mouth again. Inhale the scent mixed with your own scent from your neck. 

 

Now you're at the next door--did you keep that other hand still? Did you remember to walk with your eyes watching your feet? Does your hand posture fit the other doorknob perfectly? Well done! Did you keep your hand in place to touch it or did you do this with your finger tips first? Excellent! Don't open the door, but instead stand and breathe for the 3 count. The temperature's different isn't it? The lighting certainly is! Tuck your hair behind both ears now. How much does your hand smell like that amazing shampoo?! Softly place the palms of your hands on the door and feel the solid smooth surface beneath your touch. Keep looking down at your feet. Is the light coming from the front, back, left or right? Now bring your hands gently to each ear lobe and smile. Scent how much you can smell YOU, your lotion, shampoo, heat, clothing, products, door and door handles. Outstanding! You did it Tori! Step by step, breath by breath. 

 

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Tori M

That's a very interesting exercise.  It slowed my fast-paced mind and got me in touch with the sensations around me, but I'm not sure I got the point of it.  Was this supposed to give me a measurement of my sensitivity?  If so, I'd say medium.  If it was to increase my awareness, it probably did a little bit.  Wish it were higher like it used to be though.  3 observations:  for some reason the 2nd doorknob felt colder than the first, I'm a fingertip type of person, and it's time to clean and repaint my toenails, haha.

 

Here's something else I discovered recently... I crave the scent of wearing makeup.  Lipstick or lip balm at least.  I like catching that scent right under my nose.  It's refreshing and brightens my mood.

 

Thanks for taking the time to share that, Lee!

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Just Lee

You nailed it! Yes, it was a general temperature test and using taste and moisture to help with scenting. The 2nd part is a subtle feminine thing which you again did with flying colors. Women and scents are 1 and the same and they deeply affect our moods. Females need/use scents and associate them to memories very quickly. Estrogen makes smooth skin. This in turn encourages scents to travel to the parts of us that do have hair. You exceeded my expectations in that you used your fingertips. I don't think you have any idea how important that is. Men tend to grasp things with the strength of their palms and full grip. A woman uses the length of her fingertips to test-touch something before making contact. As far as I can tell, you have absolutely nothing to worry about--your feminine instincts are dead on accurate. There are a few other exercises we can do if you like, the choice is yours.

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Tori M

I've had scents trigger memories many times.  They sometimes stop me dead in my tracks distracting me from anything else.  One of my favorite moments in time was when I started hormones and one day I noticed that I smelled good.  I didn't stink anymore.  Not only was I more sensitive to it, my body odors had actually changed.  Gotten sweeter, in fact.  I hate my man stink so I've always kept my sweaty areas shaved.  Yes, hair holds scent... nature did that for a reason.  Conversely, I've been almost turned on by the smell of some men and I've never even been into men.  But the smell of a stinky sweaty man is overpowering to me... I have to move away!  Wanting that scent sensitivity back is one of my reasons for getting back on estrogen.  It feels like I have to have it to feel normal.

 

I was once a jeweler's apprentice.  I never learned to set gemstones like my old male mentor because my hands are too weak.  But, I could do very fine repairs that stumped him because I have such a delicate touch with objects (and people).  I could have been a watchmaker.  Btw, I hate handshaking and men hate my handshakes because they're dainty.  Driving a car displays the touch difference so well... a woman drives like she's afraid she'll break something where a man jerks things around like they're indestructible.  I drive like a woman, btw.

 

So, it's wonderful to hear that I still have at least some of those processes working in my brain.  I guess maybe I always had them somewhat but hormones made me much more aware.  It takes a little bit of focus now.  I think I miss that full-on intuitive awareness.  You know, there are many foods I can't eat due to the texture.  For a woman, every activity is a sensation experience.  Men don't usually have that.  I suspect testosterone masks it.  Survival necessity maybe.

 

I wonder... does the scent of a man really play into how a woman feels about him?  To me, my late partner had the sweetest natural smell of any woman ever and I was absolutely captivated by her, more than any other ever!

 

I don't usually like tests, but those exercises were fun and eye-opening.  Even today, I have a slightly heightened sensation awareness still lingering.  That feels good so let's try another one if you don't mind.  Where did you learn this kind of stuff?  Feel free to PM me if you prefer, or post here.  Never know who else might be helped by something that we post.

Hugs

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Just Lee

Wow! That takes a lot of skill to be a Jeweler's apprentice! That's wonderful! The skin of a woman portrays everything and you've got it girl! From scent to touch to dexterity it really makes a difference. I learned the basics of behavioral modification at LAFB and finished it off at UNH and it helps enhance things from all angles. 

These aren't truly tests--they're gentle literal exercises of the senses to limber up your senses. No grades, no fails, I promise. I'll put an exercise here and one in a message for you tomorrow if you like. Feeling inhibited is not good and remember, I'm NOT judging you at all. You did the 2 nose to toes exercises and show an affinity for touch and scent so everything's going great. Men's testosterone skin has a harder time retaining and identifying scents that aren't their own. Yes, men can look at pics and decide they're attracted to someone, while most women are more of a hm looks good so I'll get closer for a sniff. Cologne is fine, but a person's natural scent isn't masked-just added to. Personally, Axe body spray makes me gag but some people like it. 

 

Is one arm resting on the table? Is it on the elbow with your fingers skyward? Maybe resting a cheek on that hand? *nods*

 

Ok, we're going to have delicate lady fingers now and we're going to use what you have to advantage. Get 3 kinds of paper-any kinds are fine. I choose an envelope, printer paper and a sticky note for myself. Get a bottle of water and take the cap off, then set it in the middle of the table. Got your papers? It's fine, it's fine, set them down where ever you like. What was the last one you put down? Did you rearrange them? Which was the softest? Which one was heaviest of the 3? Well yes of course the biggest, lol. Put your left thumb up and slide your left hand to 1 of the papers and using just your fingers to pull it toward you to hold gently. Easy peasy right? Whats's your right hand doing? it's going to pour a tiny bit of water into the cap and set the bottle back down. It's ok, my papers are set out neatly between me and the bottle too. ;) Where did you set down that bottle cap of water? It's perfect, don't worry. 

 

Water poured? Good. tap your right index finger along the paper farthest from you and slide that paper to behind the water with only your index finger. Still got that paper in your left hand? Excellent. Avoiding the full water bottle and the cap, switch hands and papers. What to do? Slide (don't lift) your right hand along the desk/table with the 3rd paper under it  toward your other hand gently til you reach the edge and hold the paper between thumb and index finger. 

 

Now move your left paper to slide to the cap of water and put them next to each other as close as you can without them touching. Release it. Good! Getting a bit tricky but you're doing fine. Using your right hand holding that paper, place it on on top of the bottle. Don't worry-the moisture will hold it. Is your left hand bored? Now place that paper 3rd paper (from behind the bottle) exactly on top of the paper near the cap. Next, slide that wet paper off the top of the bottle and place in the growing pile of papers. Which one is wet? Are they all wet from the cap and bottle? Are your fingertips damp from this? All good. How are those nails? Ladies grow them to grasp things with--like paper. Tap the index finger of your dominant hand into the cap of water and place it on the papers while sliding them to you--stop stop! It's a mess yes? Fingernails my lady! Use those lovely nails to pick up wet paper easier and smile at another job well done. :) I'll message you tomorrow and I hope you're enjoying these gentle exercises. 

 

 

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sleepinflame
Posted (edited)
On 5/27/2020 at 3:29 PM, Tori M said:

But my main drive to get restarted is to get that more feminine brain wiring

 

Bingo.  This is my main reason to be here.  I don't care about my body, but I want my mind to be more feminine.  I don't care about casual social interactions, but I want to relate to close women friends as a woman.  And all of the other mental things you mentioned.

 

I have mostly noticed it in the changes in my brain with aging, with the natural loss of hormones.  I've always been the most verbal engineer I know, but the changes I've noticed are the loss of certain terrible male qualities which I hate and I am glad to be rid of.  I always loved child rearing, I always wanted to be in the women's group at a party, not with the men, but I had all these male mental qualities too.

 

I feel that from age 48 to 58 my hormones have changed pretty drastically.  At 48, I started to notice that sex was more about the interaction with my partner than the way males have lust.  As the years went by I noticed things that you would expect, decline in libido, general loss of energy, etc.  Then, all of a sudden, about two years ago, there was a tipping point.

 

I can identify three male qualities which I was no longer seemed to dominate my mind.  It was if a spell were broken.

 

male lust, male anger, and male ego.  I was just free of these things and I could see how they had been with me all of my life.  I have these other qualities which I would identify as female, but they were just part of me, not controlling me.

 

--Grace

 

Edited by Jackie C.
Recommending vitamin supplement to achieve feminization

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Tori M
3 hours ago, sleepinflame said:

I want to relate to close women friends as a woman

 

I know exactly what you mean.  If a girlfriend is telling me her private thoughts, I want to respond to her in a female mindset.  Maybe I do, cuz women have always seemed unusually comfortable sharing their thoughts/experiences with me despite looking like a man.  But I've never felt my responses were exactly right.

 

3 hours ago, sleepinflame said:

Then, all of a sudden, about two years ago, there was a tipping point.

... three male qualities which I was no longer seemed to dominate my mind....

...male lust, male anger, and male ego. 

 

I wonder if this is part of what's happening to me now.  I've been thinking it might be my thyroid condition... maybe it's both.  Two years ago my T tested in the low 200's; seems normal for my age but I don't know for sure.  But lately it feels like it plummeted.  It also feels like I'm getting a boost of estrogen but I'm not taking any.

I never had a male ego and my male lust was always tempered with the envy many of us trans-gals feel toward women.  Male anger I had plenty of... not violent, mind you, and mostly with things, not people.  I hated that.  On hormones I would cry instead.  That felt right.  That anger has suddenly subsided tremendously but I'm not crying instead, I just seem to have more patience which I've been attributing to aging.

 

However, I have not felt the gradual decline over 10 years like you described, Grace.  That might be because I've always felt my T was low since my early '20's (and I wasn't complaining!).

 

Anyway, I'm happy to see you are finding more peace and balance with age, Grace.  It's nice to get something positive out of the aging process, isn't it?  Enjoy it!

 

Tori

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sleepinflame

Tori,

 

I am non-binary.  I had very strong male qualities and strong female qualities.  I'm glad the male has faded and the female can be more to the front, I like myself better.  Your thread is entitiled "Brain Dysphoria".  I found a definition of dysphoria which includes that:

 

From Brynnn Tannehill:

Q: What does it mean to be transgender?
A: The term transgender describes individuals whose inherent
sense of their own gender doesn't match the sex they were
assigned at birth. Many transgender individuals have
experienced some degree of gender dysphoria, which is an
intense and persistent sense of distress or discomfort with
their birth sex.

 

I have tremendous discomfort with those male qualities that I listed.  This definition includes me.  The transgender piece too.

 

Thanks for writing!

--Grace

 

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Tori M
On 5/29/2020 at 8:09 PM, Just Lee said:

Men's testosterone skin has a harder time retaining and identifying scents that aren't their own.

 

Do you have any elaboration on this statement?  I'm not sure I completely follow.  I've heard men say, "I met my dream girl, etc, etc, and hours after we departed I could still smell her!"  Actually, that might have went, "...I could still smell her perfume."  Is it specifically other peoples natural scent that men's skin doesn't retain?  It sure seems to retain their own!  Is a man's skin moister or dryer than a woman's?  Your exercise seems to demonstrate that moisture attracts and holds aromas (e.g. the licking of the lips).  Relating that to weather, I think that's true in nature (e.g. rain, ocean, and damp forest smells).

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sleepinflame
On 5/29/2020 at 11:09 PM, Just Lee said:

Yes, men can look at pics and decide they're attracted to someone, while most women are more of a hm looks good so I'll get closer for a sniff.

So much to unpack here.

 

Yes, visuals go right into a man's sex drive.  It's about identifying healthy women who can survive childbirth.  Wide hips, etc.

 

Scent.  -- got to go into pheromones.  My info is from studies 15 years ago, so maybe there's an update.

 

Men give off pheromones in their sweat.  Women do not.  Women give off pheromones in their urine.  The purpose of the pheromones is to identify mates who will give you a healthy immune system match.  Your family shares some metahistocompatibility-complex keys with you, so they do not register as good mates, the children will not have healthy immune systems.  Women can tell from men's sweat if they will make a good mate in this sense.  The study I'm thinking of had boxes with sweaty shirts (day old)  and women sniffed them.  The shirts with a good immune system match smelled like yeasty baked bread to the women.  The ones with a bad match smelled like dirty locker room shirts.

 

On to a Finish study about pheromones.  They studied the brain response with MRI scans.  The cases where straight women smelled the sweat and were attracted lit up a part of the brain having to do with sexual attraction.  The cases where it was a bad match lit up the smell sensory part of the brain.  Same with gay men with male pheromones.  Same with straight men with women's pheromones.  Gay women were a mixed bag.  I presume some of them just don't like men.

 

My "sweaty underarm smell" faded about two years ago, same time as my mental changes.  "Go figure," as we say in New York.

 

Grace

 

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Tori M
41 minutes ago, sleepinflame said:

The shirts with a good immune system match smelled like yeasty baked bread to the women.  The ones with a bad match smelled like dirty locker room shirts.

 

Good stuff, Grace.  Thanks for posting that here!  I love yeasty baked bread smell; hate locker room smell.  But, from the study results you mention I guess that doesn't mean much in my case.  I've always believed I am a lesbian as did my late female partner of 17 years.  Most of all I love sweet feminine scent, the sweeter the better.  Furthermore, I swoon over a cis-woman's intimate scents "down there".  I once dated a woman with a sour smell that was almost masculine; that relationship didn't last long.  Due to things like this scent orientation, I've always wondered if we trans-woman were AFAB would we still have the same sexual orientations.

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Just Lee

It's based on an article a read a couple years ago. "Male epidermis for example is 20% thicker than female epidermis, being able to bind a larger amount of moisture, and containing more collagen in all ages, thus, making male skin more dense and vigorous." as well as "Androgens stimulate sebum production. Therefore, due to higher androgen levels male seborrheic glands produce more sebum leading to fatty glow and coarser pores of the skin." It's scientific phrasing for men have thicker skin, larger pores, and produce more sebum. Sebum is the oily stuff we produce to protect our skin and coat our hair. Men produce this in copious amounts so it retains scents. Think of how a guy will have the urge to take a shower right after he cheats--that's to get the smell off of who he cheated with. It's not just psychological. If women are wearing perfume and hug a man, each bit of skin contact will leave a scent trail that lasts longer than what's left on women by a man. 

Women smell those scents more but men carry more of the smells for longer. 

Reference link: https://www.longdom.org/open-access/impact-of-testosterone-on-hair-and-skin-2161-1017-1000187.pdf

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Tori M
On 5/29/2020 at 8:09 PM, Just Lee said:

Is one arm resting on the table? Is it on the elbow with your fingers skyward? Maybe resting a cheek on that hand? *nods*

 

Of course. 😁

 

On 5/29/2020 at 8:09 PM, Just Lee said:

It's fine, it's fine, set them down where ever you like. What was the last one you put down? Did you rearrange them? Which was the softest? Which one was heaviest of the 3? Well yes of course the biggest, lol.

 

The smallest one, a sticky note.  Of course I arranged them, lol.  The envelope was softest and also the heaviest.

 

On 5/29/2020 at 8:09 PM, Just Lee said:

It's ok, my papers are set out neatly between me and the bottle too. ;) Where did you set down that bottle cap of water?

 

Yep.  The bottle cap is off to the side.

 

On 5/29/2020 at 8:09 PM, Just Lee said:

slide that paper to behind the water with only your index finger.

 

I tend to use my 2 middle fingers or at least my 2nd finger for sliding things.

 

On 5/29/2020 at 8:09 PM, Just Lee said:

Avoiding the full water bottle and the cap, switch hands and papers. What to do? Slide (don't lift) your right hand along the desk/table with the 3rd paper under it  toward your other hand gently til you reach the edge and hold the paper between thumb and index finger. 

 

I think I got lost here, but did the switch.

 

On 5/29/2020 at 8:09 PM, Just Lee said:

Next, slide that wet paper off the top of the bottle and place in the growing pile of papers. Which one is wet? Are they all wet from the cap and bottle? Are your fingertips damp from this?

 

Nothing is wet but I think I get the idea.  Did I pour the water too neatly?

 

On 5/29/2020 at 8:09 PM, Just Lee said:

How are those nails? Ladies grow them to grasp things with--like paper. Tap the index finger of your dominant hand into the cap of water and place it on the papers while sliding them to you--stop stop! It's a mess yes? Fingernails my lady! Use those lovely nails to pick up wet paper easier

 

I don't have very long nails now, but when I did I used them a lot.  I still use mine to separate/turn pages when I'm reading a book or magazine.  Still, I used my index fingernail to pick up the papers since they were kind of sticking to the tablecloth.

Observation: I used fingertips to make almost every single move in this exercise.  Dipping my finger in the water made me immediately want to dry my finger, as usual.  I have a thing about drying off water.  I'm severely aquaphobic.

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ShawnaLeigh

OK WOW.

So I read through this whole thing and ask anyone here.  I'm not a very patient person if you do not know.  LOL

I found it quite interesting and @Just Lee exercises were interesting.  

I can not lie, I was not able to follow them all, because, well I'm not very patient.  LOL

But I am noticing the things you both spoke of and I am only at 7 months HRT.

It is a fact that we all look for, and yearn for, all the physical changes that come with HRT to show the world we are female but for me its the brain and its part in all this is what I was craving.  Its the root of being a women not just acting as one.

I am seeing results on subtle but increasing levels but I find my personality has responded well to HRT and my transgender positive environment. 

I don't act like a women nor want to be one anymore.  I am one threw and threw and all my mannerisms are proof enough for me.  I can do a makeup and a wig look that is very feminine and I seems to "pass" (I hate that term) and I have found no one can tell I was ever male.  Yes that's awesome but for me its not the basis of truly feeling you are female at your core.  Ithas to be in your mind and your heart knows the truth of it.

This is how I feel now.

I'm sure I make mistakes. and drag male traits out now and then but I give myself a break as I was male for 52 years. That's the beauty of being trans and in transition.  You can be what or who you want and chose what levels you feel most comfortable with.

 

As for feeling any dysphoria of the brain.  I do not seem to share this.

I see things from a different angle on most things.  Maybe an ever so slightly different angle from most but I do not let fears or anxiety and dysphoria rule me like I once have.  I refuse it the battleground it once controlled.

Being stubborn and proud of being me and even self love of being the person I feel I was born to be helps.  LOL

 

 

 

 

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Tori M
On 5/29/2020 at 2:11 PM, Tori M said:

Driving a car displays the touch difference so well... a woman drives like she's afraid she'll break something where a man jerks things around like they're indestructible.

 

I want to elaborate on this example I used earlier.  What I'm referring to specifically is how men/women handle the controls of a car.  Women touch the controls (steering wheel, gear shift, signals, etc.) with a delicate, fingertip touch.  Men grasp the controls fully in their palms.  One good example of the results of this difference is if the car gets stuck in the snow.  The delicate touch is perfect for some things, like easing on the gas pedal trying to not break the tire traction, however, if the solution to getting unstuck is rocking back and forth, the man's approach works better.  A man will grab the gearshift with full palm and ram that shift as hard and fast as he can between forward and reverse.  But, as demonstrated in some of the exercises above, as a woman begins to touch the shifter, there is an oh-so-slight hesitation just before her fingertips make contact.  That minuscule hesitation allows the car to settle back into the hole before spinning in the opposite direction.  In addition, many woman will often return their hand to the steering wheel (unnecessarily) between shifting.

There are always exceptions but this is, in my observation, why a man can sometimes get a car unstuck easier than a woman.  I generally drive with fingertip softness, but I can revert to the male "power shifting" mode when necessary.

This also happens with mud puddles.  A woman will ease into a big mud hole tentatively, cautiously, as if to not splash mud on the car.  Consequently, she tends to end up stopped and stuck in the mud.  I've been guilty of this approach.  Actually was accused of "driving like a girl" by my mud-bogging truck driving male friends.  A man revs up the engine and blasts into and through the mudhole, never giving the car a chance to get stuck.  To be fair, I have seen women mud-boggers in racing that could negotiate mud as well or even better than the men, but those women seem to be the exceptions.

Another aspect of this topic came up just last night while discussing driving with a friend.  Being a passenger in a car driven by a woman is usually (not all women, of course) a more pleasant/comfortable experience than one driven by a man (not all men, of course).  It seems to me that a man drives as if he is the only one in the car, with no concern about sudden turns or start/stops; without concern for his passenger's comfort.  Due to physics of having a grip on the steering wheel, the driver of a car has a better "connection" with the car than the passengers, so while he feels no discomfort, his passengers are swaying to and fro, forward and back.  To me, a woman seems to be more aware of the comfort of her passengers and will go out of her way to preserve that comfort.  I've observed this in bus drivers as well.  I've also noticed that gentle-natured men, often gay, will often drive as if he's more aware of his passenger's comfort (but not always).

Please don't think I'm stereotyping here.  These behaviors are just my personal observations over my lifetime of closely analyzing the differences between genders.  Nothing is universal!  I dearly hope I haven't offended either gender here.

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Tori M
59 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

It is a fact that we all look for, and yearn for, all the physical changes that come with HRT to show the world we are female but for me its the brain and its part in all this is what I was craving.  Its the root of being a women not just acting as one.

 

That's exactly what I think and the initial reason for this thread.  Clothes, hair, and makeup might make me look like a woman but it's the female brain processes that I truly crave.  But, Shawna, to me this statement above contradicts with the one you made below:

1 hour ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

As for feeling any dysphoria of the brain.  I do not seem to share this.

Does your first statement not indicate dysphoria with your brain?  Maybe it goes back to the meaning of dysphoria.  I'm still not sure I'm using the word in the right context.  Sorry.

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RobynNYC

This this this this!!!  For me I have always had more of a female brain, and that’s been really confusing.  I didn’t really get that is was gender dysphoria until later in life but viewing this through the prism of having a female brain (as opposed to being trapped in a man’s body) has made it so much easier for me to process.  

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Tori M
51 minutes ago, RobynNYC said:

viewing this through the prism of having a female brain (as opposed to being trapped in a man’s body) has made it so much easier for me to process.  

 

That's what I've done and you're right, it helps.  I used to focus solely on my body being wrong, what I thought of as body dysphoria.  HRT gave me congruency in my head and I worried far less about the body issue.  Now, without hormones, I've lost some of that congruency and the body dysphoria has returned somewhat, but I now understand (I think) that my brain has a dysphoric problem that needs attention.  I need some E to rewire it back to the way it was.  From one angle it seems like I've gotten it all twisted around, but somehow it makes sense to me.  I think.  Like they say, this is all a process... a journey not a destination.

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Just Lee

Hi Shawna,

These exercises were an answer to a request to tap into a feminine way of using your senses. It is in no way, a critique of who or what a person is nor does it make a person more or less female. Men are more than welcome to use these gentle ways of tapping fully into your senses in the most acutely personal way. Please take no offense as I cast no aspersions on anyone who did or did not participate. Tori asked, and I volunteered, that is all. 

 

Tori, using both your index and middle fingers are actually something that both men and women do. These exercise are to help you attune to your senses. They won't make a man into a woman, but they encourage a womanly way of attuning and paying attention to the more feminine side of your instincts and senses. I think, on seeing the sudden reaction here now, we should keep these in messages so no one gets upset. 

 

Yes driving styles are very distinctive! My ex used to be a pizza delivery driver and slammed that shift into oblivion! I got her a 76 dodge charger with a solid slant six engine. She CRACKED it in 6 months and she's a lead foot to this day. Her mother drove VERY much like a little old lady all her life. My brother Jr. was also a delivery driver (i was a dispatcher so nepotism I know lol) and he was the best driver I'll ever know. He could get any engine to purr, made a stick shift sing in even in low gear and could fix almost anything with any car. He'd drive fast, but well and-just like my dad. I'm a savage driver and to be brutally honest, my choice vehicle would be a dune buggy with a roll cage... 

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sleepinflame
2 hours ago, RobynNYC said:

This this this this!!!  For me I have always had more of a female brain, and that’s been really confusing

OK, now we're a step closer to each other.  I have a non-binary brain in a male body.  Lots of girl stuff and lots of boy stuff for me.

 

I just got a perspective shift.  If you have that fully female brain, then I see how you say "I have the wrong body!"

 

And you got a perspective shift, "Oh, I have a female brain."  This is how I was thinking of the MtF people the whole time and I didn't see the pain of "I have the wrong body" until a few days ago.

 

Very cool.  You can see that for me, I don't think, "I have the wrong body"  I just think, "I have an abby normal brain!"

--Grace

 

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ShawnaLeigh
3 hours ago, Just Lee said:

Hi Shawna,

These exercises were an answer to a request to tap into a feminine way of using your senses. It is in no way, a critique of who or what a person is nor does it make a person more or less female. Men are more than welcome to use these gentle ways of tapping fully into your senses in the most acutely personal way. Please take no offense as I cast no aspersions on anyone who did or did not participate. Tori asked, and I volunteered, that is all. 

Oh I do not take offense and I read through all of what you had wrote and found it very interesting.  I was just saying I did not follow it at this time as I am an impatient person and frankly I am also a tad overwhelmed in my own life with recent events unfolding extremely fast.

I certainly appreciate you doing this as it can be a very helpful process for many of us.

 

22 hours ago, Tori M said:

Does your first statement not indicate dysphoria with your brain?  Maybe it goes back to the meaning of dysphoria.  I'm still not sure I'm using the word in the right context.  Sorry.

Tori I do not understand this.  I do not feel what I had said falls into a brain dysphoria.  Perhaps it does and I do not realize it.  I'm always open for opinions and positive criticism. 

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