Another New Member, another lost soul

[KathrynnCox]

All,

 

So I feel the introduction thread did a good job getting me generalized information. I’ve been fighting with my trans identification since I was in my teens I believe. But as I read about others I’m not nearly as “sure” as other seem, if that makes sense?

 

The facts:

- 33yo father of 2

- Been dealing with my trans identity since 13-ish or earlier

- Not “uncomfortable” as a man but would far rather be female. 
- I’m a big guy, 6’2” with resting bitchface (pardon the profanity), but I’m extremely uncomfortable in groups where masculinity is on display or has the “wolf pack” mentality of aggressive masculinity (Sports events, gyms, parties)

- I enjoy my “manly” hobbies related to my cars, motorcycle, and planes.

- Afraid to transition just because of how hard it would be to be passable. 
- Only dressed in public once, on Halloween at a LGBTQ friendly bar, was still super nervous but like the attention Katie got and not male me.
- Tossed everything early in my marriage so besides reading, no exploration in over a decade.

- Terrified of SRS and in a perfect world would get every surgery I could afford except SRS. 
- Horrid fashion sense...

Therapist says I need to explore and open up so I’m an open book here. I just want a little guidance because, honestly, I’m not the media’s stereotypical MTF transwoman. Any insights?

 

Yours Truly,

 

Kathrynn

[Emily michelle]

No one says you have to be like everyone else. Be yourself be comfortable and confident in who you are. My fashion sense isn’t very good but I’m learning. I worry about passing all the time but I’m slowly getting to the point that I don’t care I just want to be the woman I am.

[Erikka]

Hei Kathrynn,

we have in some ways a similar story. I was four when I knew. I too am very uncomfortable around men and groups of men, the wolf pack, is terrifying. Gyms are like purgatory. I really don’t have any “manly” hobbies. I am an artist, primarily painting. Growing up my father tried to beat it out of me. My first time dressed was at a costume party where I was completely dressed from the inside out and my girlfriend at the time was completely dressed as male.

  I don’t let size bother me. I’m 6’3”, former Division I tight end. I don’t care f I am passable or not. I know who I am...now. It took me a long time and with a lot of therapy to acknowledge being transgender. Twenty-seven months in on HRT and it was the best decision I have made.

  Yes explore, talk about it in therapy AND talk to your wife! Communication with her is vital. It can make the difference between being a couple and being an ex.

  Glad you are here.

[KathrynnCox]

31 minutes ago, Emily michelle said:

No one says you have to be like everyone else. Be yourself be comfortable and confident in who you are....I worry about passing all the time but I’m slowly getting to the point that I don’t care I just want to be the woman I am.

Thank you! That helps my confidence a little bit. I’m just trying to locate “me” at this point. 
 

Transitioning has the major risk of losing my family and I’m terrified I’ll be making the wrong choice. 

[KathyLauren]

You may not be the media's stereotype, but only because the media don't have a clue.  You are pretty typical of the other adult-transitioning trans woman here.

 

I first started to have transgender thoughts when I was about your age.  In hindsight, I see clues going much farther back, but I was in heavy denial and missed them all at the time.  Even though I was aware of my transgender thoughts in my 30s, I continued to be in denial for a few more decades.  I finally came to terms with it in my 60s.

 

None of the "facts" you mentioned mean that you shouldn't transition if that is what you want.  We all have fears and worry about passing.  All it takes is a little self-confidence and they will fade away.  You will just enjoy being yourself.

[KathrynnCox]

Erikka,

 

Thank you for the kind words! The more I research the more I KNOW I need to explore this all. But I need to be careful, I’ve covered it in detail in my introduction post but tl:dr my wife is an LGBTQ ally but is not comfortable being married to a woman so this topic is SUPER DUPER taboo and off limits in my house. 

[KathrynnCox]

Kathy,

 

Thank you! that’s very very re-assuring. I’m hoping I don’t have to wait until my 60s to open up and grow but we will see. Thank you!

[Jackie C.]

Well, let's see...

 

39 minutes ago, KathrynnCox said:

33yo father of 2

 

Meh. A lot of us have kids. Some of us have a LOT of kids. Of course I'm an "Only" so my definition of lots could be different from yours.

 

40 minutes ago, KathrynnCox said:

Been dealing with my trans identity since 13-ish or earlier

 

Also pretty common. I used to turn my underwear around and pretend I was a girl. I remember doing that in the apartment so I would have been around 3. I didn't have the words for it then though. I remember being fascinated by the idea of transitioning in grade school. I mean, "Oh my gosh! (I said gosh, I was in grade school) You can DO that?!?"

I also remember getting yelled at whenever I acted in any way that was perceived as "too feminine." I may have bottled up kind of a lot.

 

42 minutes ago, KathrynnCox said:

Not “uncomfortable” as a man but would far rather be female.

 

Are you sure? Some of your other statements say you're not really comfortable doing group guy stuff. I hang out with guys too, but I much prefer my girlfriends. Floating in a sea of estrogen is kind of my happy place. My body dysphoria wasn't terrible either. However I knew I'd have made a much better woman.

 

1 hour ago, KathrynnCox said:

I’m a big guy, 6’2” with resting bitchface (pardon the profanity), but I’m extremely uncomfortable in groups where masculinity is on display or has the “wolf pack” mentality of aggressive masculinity (Sports events, gyms, parties)

 

Oh, that's mostly me too. I'm only 5'11" but my resting witch face could curdle milk. I always spent holiday gatherings in the kitchen with the other women or off by myself. I've been to like two sports events and hated both. Parties are OK if they're co-ed. If it's just a group of guys I'm uncomfortable. I need reinforcements.

My gym friends are mostly women though. There's a picture of some of them in my album on the site.

Finding cute clothes in my size is a bitch though. Don't even get me started on shoes. ?

 

1 hour ago, KathrynnCox said:

I enjoy my “manly” hobbies related to my cars, motorcycle, and planes.

 

You got me here. I'm hopeless with mechanical stuff. Female mechanics are hot as heck though and I have a real weakness for girls who ride. Yowza!

 

1 hour ago, KathrynnCox said:

Afraid to transition just because of how hard it would be to be passable

 

Let me direct you to the story of Crunk. If you have... I'm pretty sure it's on Netflix... Anyway, check out Transformer. It's about a truly massive bodybuilder who happens to be trans. Once you're done with that take a real close look at the women around you. They're not all supermodels. As a matter of fact, how many married women have you seen who look a little manly?

Being a woman isn't all about your outward appearance. There are all those little mannerisms and ways of doing things that dictate how your gender is perceived. For example, my voice is a big part of my presentation. Sometimes people are uncertain about where to put me, then I open my mouth and all doubt is removed. I pass easily for a woman, though one with a flat chest and hips like a snake.

How I move, how I act and how I speak has more bearing on how I'm perceived than how I look ever did. Granted, those things take some work but it didn't feel like work. It felt like spreading my wings and just being me.

 

1 hour ago, KathrynnCox said:

Only dressed in public once, on Halloween at a LGBTQ friendly bar, was still super nervous but like the attention Katie got and not male me.

 

I was nervous the first few times I went out too. I think we all are. A friend of mine said that in the beginning we're all like vampires. We only come out at night and try to stay out of bright light.

 

1 hour ago, KathrynnCox said:

Tossed everything early in my marriage so besides reading, no exploration in over a decade.

 

Eh, I was in deep, deep denial until my late forties. You're still young. At least compared to people like me. I remember dinosaurs. It's a pity we don't have them anymore. They were cool.

 

1 hour ago, KathrynnCox said:

Terrified of SRS and in a perfect world would get every surgery I could afford except SRS. 

 

Well then you're in luck. Nobody is going to force you to get GCS. This journey is about feeling more comfortable in your own skin. You should do what it takes to reach that goal. Then... well, stop. You never have to do more than what makes you happy, though I strongly encourage you to do that. I want you to be happy. This is for you. Not for anybody else.

 

1 hour ago, KathrynnCox said:

Horrid fashion sense.

 

Then it's important that you find someone you trust to help you past your tragic disability. Again, I encourage you to look around at other women. How many of them look fabulous? Great! Now how many shouldn't have been allowed out of the house looking like that? A pair of X chromosomes do not automatically make you a fashionista. 

 

So yeah, you're coming to grips with who you really are. That's scary stuff. It's only natural that you'd make excuses. My advice is to talk to a gender therapist about getting to the bottom of your feelings. Maybe you need to transition in whole or in part. Maybe it's enough for you to let Katie out on the weekends and dress the part. The important thing is finding out what makes you comfortable and how you want to live your life.

 

Hugs!

[TommieAnne]

You might have been lost... but now you're found!

A lot of us have similar stories. Unsure, afraid, and in my case, convinced I could never pass as the woman I want to be.

I'm very unlikely to have SRS. How feminine I become along the way is an open question. Up until this point I had presumed I was entirely unfeminine physically but then my Laser hair removal tech asked when I had started hormones and was surprised when I admitted I hadn't yet. Apparently my very small breasts do look like they are a woman's after all.

At any rate, welcome to the forums.

TA

[KayC]

19 hours ago, KathrynnCox said:

Therapist says I need to explore and open up so I’m an open book here.

Hi Kathryn!  a lot of commonality in your story and mine.  The good news is you already have a therapist and it seems they are providing sound advice.

I think my wife is terrified of how far I will go with transition ... and I have to wonder?  how can she possibly be more terrified than ME?  So. I understand and connect with everything you are saying. 
Lots of great experience and encouragement here on this Forum.  Take your time and enjoy the ride❣️

[KathrynnCox]

Kay,

I understand my wife’s fear because I don’t know how far I’d end up going. I’m essentially starting new here so I have no clue where the journey ends. We will see though. 
 

-Katie

[KayC]

37 minutes ago, KathrynnCox said:

I understand my wife’s fear because I don’t know how far I’d end up going.

Same here, Katie.  I haven't started therapy yet, so when she wanted to know "how far" I was planning on going, I had no answer for her ... how could I possibly know? 

So, that is what scares her right now (I was joking before, but it does scare me too).  She did agree (reluctantly though), that I could start therapy.

 

Hoping you and I both can find our way with the support of those we love ❤️

For now .. deep breaths .. one step at a time

[KathrynnCox]

33 minutes ago, KayC said:

Same here, Katie.  I haven't started therapy yet, so when she wanted to know "how far" I was planning on going, I had no answer for her ... how could I possibly know? 

So, that is what scares her right now (I was joking before, but it does scare me too).  She did agree (reluctantly though), that I could start therapy.

 

Hoping you and I both can find our way with the support of those we love ❤️

For now .. deep breaths .. one step at a time

Ive started therapy but again the wife expects it to be me quashing all this. Im TERRIFIED to tell he that the therapist is encouraging me to explore it. She got so angry when the last therapist said to explore it. 

[KayC]

31 minutes ago, KathrynnCox said:

She got so angry when the last therapist said to explore it. 

That's probably what got my wife so upset when I told her I wanted to start therapy.  I assume she thinks therapy will be an enabler ... for me its really about my mental health, and figuring out who I really am. 
I saw you have an appointment today.  Hope it goes well.  Enjoy your weekend, Katie (mine starts tomorrow).

[Jackie C.]

39 minutes ago, KathrynnCox said:

She got so angry when the last therapist said to explore it.

 

Yeah, that's going to be trouble. Your spouse needs to understand that quashing it is likely to lead to your demise, or at least some seriously self-destructive behavior.

 

48 minutes ago, KayC said:

Same here, Katie.  I haven't started therapy yet, so when she wanted to know "how far" I was planning on going, I had no answer for her ... how could I possibly know? 

 

The answer for that one is simple, "When I feel comfortable in my own skin." If you're a smart-ass like I am, you can add something like, "I hear it's great!"

 

Hugs!

[KathrynnCox]

33 minutes ago, KayC said:

That's probably what got my wife so upset when I told her I wanted to start therapy.  I assume she thinks therapy will be an enabler ... for me its really about my mental health, and figuring out who I really am. 
I saw you have an appointment today.  Hope it goes well.  Enjoy your weekend, Katie (mine starts tomorrow).

My wife fell in love physically with my features. I’m apparently(?) fairly attractive for a man and she has had same sex relationships and it’s not what she wants in life. Sex is also very important to our relationship. She’s terrified she’s going to lose that and end up in a loveless marriage. She doesn’t believe me when I say at the most drastic I’d still avoid bottom surgery. Oh well. Only time will tell right?

[Jackie C.]

Also, we live in a world where strap-on male equipment exists (including stuff you can wear over your original equipment if you're having trouble) so I'm not sure what the issue is there. I'm perfectly capable of bringing my wife to orgasm with fingers, lips and tongue. I've offered to use toys, but she's too shy. Sex really isn't about the penis. I figured all women knew that.

 

Every relationship is different though. I wish you all the best in working through any issues that might arise.... pun not intended but I'm leaving it in because it made me giggle.

 

Hugs!

[KathrynnCox]

Jackie,

 

Her issue is she is just flat out not attracted to women (except Angelina Jolie...) so me presenting is just a turn off. In the end I think it will be letting Katie out when she and the kids are away and maybe wearing some clothes under my male clothes. 

[Jackie C.]

That's fair, I'm attracted to Angelina Jolie too. Also a couple of guys, but for the most part just women. It's unfortunate that she doesn't swing that way. On the other hand, my spouse didn't think she could handle being with a woman either but here we are. She's decided that men plus me is a perfectly acceptable orientation to have. Your wife might change her mind once she gets used to the idea. After all, you're still you.

 

If it was just physical though... well, things happen. Hopefully you can come to a compromise where you can both be comfortable. After all, a successful relationship is about communication first.

 

Hugs!

[KathrynnCox]

Again it’s all so very very early. We will see. 

[KathrynnCox]

@Jackie C. Sorry for the short response, was cooking breakfast, making coffee, getting kids dressed, and answering work emails when I replied. I know it came off angry and terse. Sorry!

[Jackie C.]

Sweetie, it's fine. I have (metaphorically) thick skin and I get what you meant. Just coming out is a tornado of thoughts, emotions and recursive games of "What if?" I still have regular fantasies about being able to go back over my life and edit the stupid parts.

 

One way or another you'll navigate this mess. Just be sure not to give up too much of yourself for the sake of your partner. I know that's what we're taught to do as men. "Rar! I'd take a bullet for my family! No hardship is too great! Testicles!" It's not super productive though. Your happiness matters too.

 

Hugs!

[KathrynnCox]

Jackie, putting others first over everything is what got me institutionalized for a week back in November. Had a breakdown being the major caregiver for 2 kids, a handicapped wife, and my business role. 
 

Im trying to work on staying calm and balanced but man some days are hard. I’m currently on my deck, letting the littles run around the yard, on a business call, and seriously daydreaming what it would be like as Katie out here instead of Matt in his messy stained clothes. (Like zero personal care time for me and if freaks the wife out when I do lol). 

[Jackie C.]

That is a LOT of pressure. If you add gender dysphoria to that... well, I'm glad you're still with us and figuring things out. I probably would have crumbled. 

 

Oh man. OK, take a look at my avatar. I'm dressed medium nice, but you can't really tell. As a male, I put zero effort into my appearance. I ran a brush through my hair in the morning to keep it out of my face and called it done. Now I moisturize, take time to pick out a nice outfit that matches what I'll be doing that day, no makeup yet but... I mean look at that skin. I am paper white. Maybe a little peach blush if I can figure out a brand that will actually stick to my skin. I won't leave the house if I'm not properly assembled. Old me would throw on jeans and a t-shirt and call it a day. Clean underwear was the extent of my effort.

Also the smile. I smile a lot more now. That's important.

 

The point being that "guy me" put in zero effort towards appearance. I think somewhere along the line somebody hammered into my head that it was "girly." I'm kind of surprised I suppressed as long as I did. You have no idea how icky I feel when I get dirty. Just ew.

 

Girl me on the patio though... I'd be wearing something without sleeves. Maybe my favorite tank top and my peasant skirt. Also, like a bucket of sunscreen because paper white. The wind would be teasing at the edges of my skirt. Not so much my blue tank, it's pretty form-fitting but I look fantastic wearing it. The kids would still be playing. I'd still be on the business call but I think I'd also be at peace.

 

Hugs!

[KathrynnCox]

I cannot wait to be out in a nice open cult top with “the girls” getting some sun...