A step in the right direction.

[Suiraa]

I am in the process of transitioning. I started hrt two weeks ago. I am still closeted and two friends and two family members know. I live on the other side of the country away from my entire family. I am in the process of trying to figure out how to come out to them. Luckily I have a year until everyone sees me. Which will be quite a shock to them I imagine.
I wanted to share my story somewhere. The only reason I guess is to be heard. So here is my story.

I've known about being trans since I was about 12 and I kept it a secret for 16 years. I was home schooled for a majority of my education and figured out what was going on in my head without the internet, books or anyone else. To me I had an intense desire for a do over/rebirth or a body switch. I knew that something was wrong and that I didn't want to be male. I remember reading books on health and about how puberty works and getting depressed that testosterone was going to screw me up. I reasoned out and desired hrt before I even knew that it existed.
My first memories of what trans meant was people mocking them as freaks. I grew up in the backwoods of the country so lgbtq stuff really didn't exist in the 2000's and even less so to someone who was home schooled. I never heard a good word said about lgbtq folks except that gay men are good at interior decorating. During my teenage years my sexuality turned off. For a while I forgot about my desire to be female. I ended up attending college for two years and enlisted into the Navy right before I turned 19.
During this time I had quite a few sexual encounters. To this day no woman, nor man has ever gotten me off. Quite a depressing feat from my point of view. Sex to me was like working out. I felt very little desire and that honestly depressed me. So I stopped and eight years later I still haven't started again. After my second deployment (I was 21.... back to back deployments) the dysphoria came swarming back to me. I struggled with it badly and had no help. There was one other person who was possibly trans that was on the ship with me. Some people caught a whiff of this and practically laughed her off the boat. We are still friends (and I just came out to her).
The attitude in the Navy wasn't that great. Regardless of this I still desperately wanted to begin transitioning. I spent most of a winter researching it and in the end I did nothing because I was afraid of being kicked out of the military and my family's response. And then this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Jennifer_Laude No one was remorseful for what had happened. A common sentiment was, "that is why you don't trick people." After that I knew I couldn't remain in the military and retire after 20. I needed out. I entered a deep and dark depression and prepared for a third and grueling deployment. More than being trans ended up being repressed after this one. And then....... it was over. I was honorably discharged with 895 days at sea to my name.
My parents were kind enough to let me work for them some and regather myself for a year. By 2017 I had attempted suicide 5 times. I spent 2016 unable to trust myself with my firearms. They make it all to easy and quick. After about 16 months and a lot of weed I was able to put myself back together as a functional human being. I was overweight but functional. My sexuality was still repressed but I had started to learn how to love myself and accept myself.
In 2017 I moved to the west coast. I found good work and an environment that is supportive of lgbtq people. I've kept a steady pace for about three years becoming healthier and healthier both physically and mentally. I've had a psychiatrist for two years and I am no longer worried about taking my own life.
Then this year, it came back. I felt emotions turn in me like a maelstrom for an entire day and I knew it was the dysphoria coming back into consciousness. I made a fire in my fireplace and let out as much repressed pain as I could. I cried for about 3 hours. I felt like life had dealt me a -crappy- hand. I felt like many years that should have been happy were stolen from me. I validated my repressed emotions from the past and decided right then and there to transition. And then I felt... peace. I spent the remainder of that night smiling.

I'm still in the process of putting myself together as a functional human being. Now that it isn't repressed the dysphoria has become far more prevalent. Recently though I have had a flicker of desiring a partner. I am hopeful that I will be able to feel attraction for another human being. I plan on going back to school here soon and using the GI bill to get a degree in psychology.
Thank you for reading my story and I hope you find peace.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Suiraa, and thank you for sharing your life story with us.  There is a lot there I can identify with, including belonging to an organization (in my case paramilitary) in which I saw things that deeply offended me.

 

I'm glad you've come to terms with who you are, and have started your journey to being your true self.  That is a huge step forward.  I am glad that you're in a much better place emotionally and psychologically.  I encourage you to look around the forums and post your questions and thoughts.  We will be here to help, support and offer friendship.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome!

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate in starting young with no books or internet or anyone to incourage the thoughts, just knew. What I was aware of, was only negative things said about the community and to do well bury those feelings, or risk being burned at the stake with the rest of the heretics. In highschool, finally got direct TV and was watching a documentary on a story of a FtM journey, it was really sad and heart breaking. I then realized if I wanted to even dare attempt the change, I wouldn't be able to do much till I was in my 40s. Tried just dealing with it, this form I was dealt. Made me incredible depressed, cuz there were many job fields I wanted to go into, but literally didn't have the balls to get past the boys club, but was pretty enough to be completely deterred. The constant suppression and internal shame, just circled and stewed in me, till it started rotting through into my already growing negative and volatile mentality and overall behavior towards other people. Started really becoming isolated and realized it won't end well at my current course. So decided to go for it, do or die, make or break, hell or high water, but I wouldn't just sit and drown myself, cuz this life is all I have. I shouldn't let public disapproval and discomfort be my death sentence, try may they stop me, I double dog dare. Now I'm trying new things slowly, forward progressing. Still trying and learning to trust people more and open my thick shell.

[KayC]

Hi Suirra and Welcome!  we're very happy to have you here and Thank You! for sharing your story.
 

First .. Thank You for your service to your country and honorably serving even under stressful conditions and long deployments. 

I think you have already displayed a deep amount of courage, and if you think about it, all the struggles you have endured have both prepared you and brought you to where you are today.  So now its your time to shine.

 

You didn't mention it, but many members on this Forum are veterans and have had great success with the VA and their transition support programs.  You should be eligible based on your service. 
Also, there is a specific Active Duty/Veterans forum link, if you go to the home Forums page you can scroll down and find it.  You can find a lot of support and I'm sure similar stories there.

Nice to meet you again, and look forward to hearing more from you❣️