Scared

[Guest]

erm so, I might change what I say while writing this cause, IDK, my ideas aren't really clear and to write makes me understand or sometime not so, IDK my though are evolving while I write..

I also putted it in this section as it is part of the passing as male thingy..

 

So erm I am scared. A LOT. I mean I am still asking myself if I am trans or not, even if sometimes I put the "(maybe)" at the end of the sentence "I am trans (maybe)" away, in my brain I still ask myself this question over and over again, "am I really trans?, no really am I REALLY trans?". And that  scaring me cause whenever I feel like I have the answer like "well that feeling can only be this or when  you're like this it must mean you're trans", but then I find an other possibility and look for one. I don't want to be trans but I WANT to be a dude! Since I am a little kid, I said that being a girl sucked! That to be a dude was my most secret dream. And I have this thing. In september it will be the new scholar year, I'll be in 11th grade (yaaay, exams!!) and I thought if I come out as male in school at this moment it would be like a fresh start. Like imagine you are moving into a new city. You won't have to come out to people you don't even care. You're just the new guy! But I feel like this is not enough, I mean I don't have enough time before the "new year". And when I say to myself "I'll be a normal dude it makes me happy and just after frightened. I ask myself, what if I am not really trans you know, and that is scaring me to think that I may be not. IDK. Whenever I think that I am maybe not trans I am scared. I don't want to go back. And if I come out next year it'll be a no coming back. So I think "maybe I'll wait one more year", but that frightens me even more I have to live as a girl. I can't. I keep doing dreams where I arrive at school. And or I am a dude and people look at me weirdly cause I don't pass, or I dream as a girl, and I see my old self feeling like everyone is superior to me, not wanting to make an effort. That is why I also have this dream where I am none. I am just gender less. They ask my name and I go away. They ask me if I am a chick or a dude and I simply say that I don't care. I am being overwhelmed by this. With the new year coming I feel like there is a count down saying "you have to make a choice or you'll arrive  at school without even knowing who you r just like that gender less dream. I don't know. I don't want to be at school with people doing what they usually do look up at your direction without caring look down and then suddenly look at you with a wandering face "what are you??" their eyes say. And what if when I come out as male I actually don't pass, that will be weird, awful, uncomfortable. Even my mom saw how much I felt uncomfortable without even coming out. I am scared. I am scared that I am not trans and that I am making a mistake. I am scared that I am trans but don't pass. I am scared that If I am not trans I'll never understand what IS my problem then. Why do I feel so uncomfortable. And in a way I don't want to be trans. But I don't want to live this cis girl life. I am scared -clean bathroom- I think about it everyday, I want to rest but if I do the countdown will be over and I still won't have an answer. I am scared to come out to my parents cause I still don't know if I am trans. I actually regret telling my boyfriend. even if if I am not it would be ok for him totally and if I am he already said he'd give it a try. And now when I'll go to school I will think about those toilet thingy. I mean, I never really  got accepted in toilets several times I got blocked by stupid girls. Now I won't even know which toilets to go as I don't know my gender. I don't have gender less toilets. And I almost need to go to the toilets every hour. As I need to go to the toilet whenever I am stressed. I am too scared. Darn potato. Where is this positiveness gone haha..

[Guest]

argh I am always making really big texts ?

[Charlize]

I think we all have doubts at times about where we are going with our gender issues.  Society says we must be male or female but we fall somewhere in-between.  For me that not being right with my birth gender is the very definition of being trans.  Where our journey takes us is different for all of us but i know and have learned to accept, with time, that i will always be trans and never fully the gender i feel i am.  Acceptance seems to be the answer to peace both with gender and life seems to be a path to peace and self love.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KayC]

Hi Ethan.  I think you are going through the same things all of us here have, or are going through now, even after 50 or 60 years.
For me, I feel most like a woman, I want to be a woman, but (even if I had the support of others) I am really SCARED to actually physically make that transition to a woman.
So, as @Charlize says, Trans doesn't have to be the destination.  Its just acceptance of yourself exactly as you are. 

 

Also, there is no timeline and no deadline.  You don't have to set a day and time, but let the course of your life flow naturally.  You will know.
Wishing you all the best❣️

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Ethan,

 

Your doubts and fears are so normal. Even after I admitted to myself that I am trans, doubts kept coming back. I didn't want to be trans. I looked for any clue that would tell me I'm not trans. I took trans tests on YouTube video's, listened to therapists, Ted Talks by trans speakers, whatever. It just took time. In fact, this was one of the most helpful pieces of advice I received when I first came here. I don't have to be in such a rush to put a label on myself, it takes time to get to understand myself. I learned to take a deep breath, slow down and let the understanding come at it's own pace. And it did start to come, without overwhelming me, because I wasn't running around in circles (figuratively) trying to find all the answers hear, there, and everywhere. I also came to realize that at any given time, I was right where I was supposed to be in my self understanding. This is a journey, and there's never a point where we have all the answers. Life is a never ending educational experience. I try to enjoy where I'm at today, and look forward to where I'll be tomorrow.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

[Mx.Drago]

Long posts are fine. No worries. Just try not to get too lost in the words, they tend lead to jungles of thought. I constantly get lost.?

 

First off. Don't worry bout which toilets to use. Just use the women's room, if you can get away with it, cuz it's usually larger and/or cleaner, then mens room. I only use the men's room if I really have to go, and will fight any person who gets all ruffled on it, cuz it's a simple fact of nature, people need to use the restroom and this whole two bathroom deal, it's a dumb waste of resources, along with urinals and brings unnecessary stress which I intend on ignoring and daring people challenge me. If natural calls for your blatter to be emptied, you do your best to get into a place for it, it's not healthy being forced holding it in.

Second, if you don't feel the female birth label part applies fully, congrats, you are technically trans. I just chose bigendered, cuz it's specifically both, not everybody applies, cuz the T be a big general area of the spectrum. It's not a chain round your neck you add on, it's a part of yourself you are meeting half way at least.

Thirdly, it's terrifying, yes. Because society obviously, needs more growing head space time to learn to deal.  But it's a good thing I don't need to wait for the world to come to a self understanding. And yeah you need to make the extra effort constantly to make sure, we aren't hurting people's feelings, cuz rationality like gender varies between people. ?Long Sigh....

But my rationale is it doesn't matter, if I apply or not, I exsist regardless, so the world best be ready or not to make room. In my dreams, if I'm not stuck wandering nightmare lands, I'm a changeling dragon, still both genders. But I'm a natural strange person... I guess. Dreams are your mind trying to get some extra learning time. Crunching thoughts into scenes to come to solutions of understanding. But you carry yourself where ever you go and time follows, so there's no rush to the exceptence part. You'll meet yourself when you're ready. But in the end you are still you, changes included.

[Guest]

thanx guys, that's nice, I still freak out thou hehe but I guess I might feel better. Thanx.

(also I don't know how I did that but I have a tactile computer and I think I clicked the report button IDK where! I hope no one gets in trouble. too scared I rushed to that cross button, so sorry ? if something happens cuz ur being really nice to me thanx btw)

and sr again=~='

[Jackie C.]

No reports filed here sweetie. It's all good.

 

Hugs!

[Guest]

feeew!!! thanx!! got scared for a while!!

[Mx.Drago]

?No worries, I'm on my phone which isn't the best experience, but there are worse things. Scare myself silly sometimes, with random page refreshing glitches or others. But at least there are fixes to computer stuff in general most the time.

[Guest]

hehe few ok, and thanx guys I actually feel better now, for reel this time ?

[Guest]

I mean I didn't lie!!! I just was 1% feeling better!! now I am 95% the rest is as usual XD