Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Scared


Recommended Posts

erm so, I might change what I say while writing this cause, IDK, my ideas aren't really clear and to write makes me understand or sometime not so, IDK my though are evolving while I write..

I also putted it in this section as it is part of the passing as male thingy..

 

So erm I am scared. A LOT. I mean I am still asking myself if I am trans or not, even if sometimes I put the "(maybe)" at the end of the sentence "I am trans (maybe)" away, in my brain I still ask myself this question over and over again, "am I really trans?, no really am I REALLY trans?". And that  scaring me cause whenever I feel like I have the answer like "well that feeling can only be this or when  you're like this it must mean you're trans", but then I find an other possibility and look for one. I don't want to be trans but I WANT to be a dude! Since I am a little kid, I said that being a girl sucked! That to be a dude was my most secret dream. And I have this thing. In september it will be the new scholar year, I'll be in 11th grade (yaaay, exams!!) and I thought if I come out as male in school at this moment it would be like a fresh start. Like imagine you are moving into a new city. You won't have to come out to people you don't even care. You're just the new guy! But I feel like this is not enough, I mean I don't have enough time before the "new year". And when I say to myself "I'll be a normal dude it makes me happy and just after frightened. I ask myself, what if I am not really trans you know, and that is scaring me to think that I may be not. IDK. Whenever I think that I am maybe not trans I am scared. I don't want to go back. And if I come out next year it'll be a no coming back. So I think "maybe I'll wait one more year", but that frightens me even more I have to live as a girl. I can't. I keep doing dreams where I arrive at school. And or I am a dude and people look at me weirdly cause I don't pass, or I dream as a girl, and I see my old self feeling like everyone is superior to me, not wanting to make an effort. That is why I also have this dream where I am none. I am just gender less. They ask my name and I go away. They ask me if I am a chick or a dude and I simply say that I don't care. I am being overwhelmed by this. With the new year coming I feel like there is a count down saying "you have to make a choice or you'll arrive  at school without even knowing who you r just like that gender less dream. I don't know. I don't want to be at school with people doing what they usually do look up at your direction without caring look down and then suddenly look at you with a wandering face "what are you??" their eyes say. And what if when I come out as male I actually don't pass, that will be weird, awful, uncomfortable. Even my mom saw how much I felt uncomfortable without even coming out. I am scared. I am scared that I am not trans and that I am making a mistake. I am scared that I am trans but don't pass. I am scared that If I am not trans I'll never understand what IS my problem then. Why do I feel so uncomfortable. And in a way I don't want to be trans. But I don't want to live this cis girl life. I am scared -clean bathroom- I think about it everyday, I want to rest but if I do the countdown will be over and I still won't have an answer. I am scared to come out to my parents cause I still don't know if I am trans. I actually regret telling my boyfriend. even if if I am not it would be ok for him totally and if I am he already said he'd give it a try. And now when I'll go to school I will think about those toilet thingy. I mean, I never really  got accepted in toilets several times I got blocked by stupid girls. Now I won't even know which toilets to go as I don't know my gender. I don't have gender less toilets. And I almost need to go to the toilets every hour. As I need to go to the toilet whenever I am stressed. I am too scared. Darn potato. Where is this positiveness gone haha..

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I think we all have doubts at times about where we are going with our gender issues.  Society says we must be male or female but we fall somewhere in-between.  For me that not being right with my birth gender is the very definition of being trans.  Where our journey takes us is different for all of us but i know and have learned to accept, with time, that i will always be trans and never fully the gender i feel i am.  Acceptance seems to be the answer to peace both with gender and life seems to be a path to peace and self love.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Hi Ethan.  I think you are going through the same things all of us here have, or are going through now, even after 50 or 60 years.
For me, I feel most like a woman, I want to be a woman, but (even if I had the support of others) I am really SCARED to actually physically make that transition to a woman.
So, as @Charlize says, Trans doesn't have to be the destination.  Its just acceptance of yourself exactly as you are. 

 

Also, there is no timeline and no deadline.  You don't have to set a day and time, but let the course of your life flow naturally.  You will know.
Wishing you all the best❣️

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Ethan,

 

Your doubts and fears are so normal. Even after I admitted to myself that I am trans, doubts kept coming back. I didn't want to be trans. I looked for any clue that would tell me I'm not trans. I took trans tests on YouTube video's, listened to therapists, Ted Talks by trans speakers, whatever. It just took time. In fact, this was one of the most helpful pieces of advice I received when I first came here. I don't have to be in such a rush to put a label on myself, it takes time to get to understand myself. I learned to take a deep breath, slow down and let the understanding come at it's own pace. And it did start to come, without overwhelming me, because I wasn't running around in circles (figuratively) trying to find all the answers hear, there, and everywhere. I also came to realize that at any given time, I was right where I was supposed to be in my self understanding. This is a journey, and there's never a point where we have all the answers. Life is a never ending educational experience. I try to enjoy where I'm at today, and look forward to where I'll be tomorrow.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

Link to comment

Long posts are fine. No worries. Just try not to get too lost in the words, they tend lead to jungles of thought. I constantly get lost.?

 

First off. Don't worry bout which toilets to use. Just use the women's room, if you can get away with it, cuz it's usually larger and/or cleaner, then mens room. I only use the men's room if I really have to go, and will fight any person who gets all ruffled on it, cuz it's a simple fact of nature, people need to use the restroom and this whole two bathroom deal, it's a dumb waste of resources, along with urinals and brings unnecessary stress which I intend on ignoring and daring people challenge me. If natural calls for your blatter to be emptied, you do your best to get into a place for it, it's not healthy being forced holding it in.

Second, if you don't feel the female birth label part applies fully, congrats, you are technically trans. I just chose bigendered, cuz it's specifically both, not everybody applies, cuz the T be a big general area of the spectrum. It's not a chain round your neck you add on, it's a part of yourself you are meeting half way at least.

Thirdly, it's terrifying, yes. Because society obviously, needs more growing head space time to learn to deal.  But it's a good thing I don't need to wait for the world to come to a self understanding. And yeah you need to make the extra effort constantly to make sure, we aren't hurting people's feelings, cuz rationality like gender varies between people. ?Long Sigh....

But my rationale is it doesn't matter, if I apply or not, I exsist regardless, so the world best be ready or not to make room. In my dreams, if I'm not stuck wandering nightmare lands, I'm a changeling dragon, still both genders. But I'm a natural strange person... I guess. Dreams are your mind trying to get some extra learning time. Crunching thoughts into scenes to come to solutions of understanding. But you carry yourself where ever you go and time follows, so there's no rush to the exceptence part. You'll meet yourself when you're ready. But in the end you are still you, changes included.

Link to comment

thanx guys, that's nice, I still freak out thou hehe but I guess I might feel better. Thanx.

(also I don't know how I did that but I have a tactile computer and I think I clicked the report button IDK where! I hope no one gets in trouble. too scared I rushed to that cross button, so sorry ? if something happens cuz ur being really nice to me thanx btw)

and sr again=~='

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

No reports filed here sweetie. It's all good.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

?No worries, I'm on my phone which isn't the best experience, but there are worse things. Scare myself silly sometimes, with random page refreshing glitches or others. But at least there are fixes to computer stuff in general most the time.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 120 Guests (See full list)

    • Erica Leigh
    • April Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
    • Andrea D
    • Hannah Renee
    • Adrianna Danielle
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,940
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Newest Member
    Chaidoesart
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
      I have shared my doses and levels a lot and no one has said anything. Yeah I put alarms on my phone to make sure I don't miss a dose. I tend to forget a lot of stuff on what needs to be done. I have been also using the calendar on my phone a lot. I missed an appointment because I didn't put it in my calendar. 
    • Ashley0616
      Feeling better than I did yesterday
    • MaeBe
      It's official. My doctor wants me retested after the last results (too high). The test, that she scheduled, was likely too close to the dose. She did tell me to keep the increased dose instead of reverting to my old one, probably because my "too high" wasn't that high. I don't know what the forum's stance is on results, knowing full well the rules against sharing dosage, so I'll keep those under wraps until I know if it's OK to share those. Less to say, it was over the range she feels comfortable with by about 50%, but taken a day earlier than the midpoint value she was expecting. Grains of salt everywhere!   Of course I messed everything up too, missing my dose for the first time, yesterday. I had to re-reschedule the lab I setup yesterday to Monday from Saturday after taking my shot this morning to avoid the same issue with the testing. I woke up and thought, "Thursday, what do I have to do for work today? OH -crap-, IT'S THURSDAY! I missed my shot yesterday!"   Anyhoo. Question for the ladies: does anyone else get a mild zen-like high after their shots/doses? My brain feels lighter and I'm happier and I feel a lot more girlie this morning. 💃
    • MaeBe
      I'm into my fourth month of HRT and just titrated up in dosage after my last checkup. This is my life. 🤭   I have yet to grow out of my B cup bras, but I have noticed more fullness, having started with gynecomastia. I am seeing less gapping in bras with my right breast, which has always been smaller than my left. My areolae are slightly pronounced/projected now, that are larger but not vastly greater in circumference, and I have noticed little to no nipple changes beyond their painful sensitivity.
    • Ashley0616
      @Ivy that is a great point! Great post!
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      -It's not a sprint it's an endurance.  -It won't happen overnight. -Seek a gender therapist. -You might lose a lot of support but hang in there. If they truly loved and cared about you they would stay. -Retail therapy helps and plus it builds your wardrobe and shoes. -Makeup is an artwork. It takes lots of practice to do it right and watch YouTube videos on how to put it on or someone who is knowledgeable. -You are going to have roller coaster emotions so don't rush anything. 
    • Ivy
    • Ashley0616
      thrilled:  :extremely pleased and excited
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      You have grown more breast tissue than most some only get one size and that is it. I went from 42C to 42DD but I'm also taking supplements. It's risky to take the supplements but to me it's worth the risk. 
    • Timi
      I'd echo some of the advice in Imma Asher's letter in the book To My Trans Sisters:   Take your time.  See yourself. Be proud.  Be strong. Indulge in the transformation.  Read more.  Put down the brow pencil.  Live.  And be happy.
    • Ashley0616
      I hope that there is some kind of justice. It's very sad and it doesn't even mention the family and I could only imagine how they feel. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...