One weak spot to question it all

[Nikita197]

Hi everyone :)

Thank you all for this forum, just reading through your experiences has helped me a lot already.
I'm here to (finally) tell my story and ask you about your opinion.
(By the way, this is the first time ever I am telling this anyone...)

 

I'm 26 and currently in the last year of my (STEM) university degree, have a girlfriend/fiancee that i love very much and my overall live seems pretty decent. I feel comfortable having a male body and being around males, even in critical situations like gym showers etc. I enjoy many things that would be considered typically male. I can look at my body in the mirror without feeling bad, sometimes it's even a pleasant thing to do.

 

Throughout my teens, I have struggled quite a lot with my gender identity, fantasizing about being a girl, being jealous of their experiances/developments and so on. But I never truly felt that something was "wrong" with my body, it was more like being female would be way more than just "okay". My parents, mom being a hippie and dad being quite conservative, left me a great bandwidth of role models but expected me to grow into a "real man" nevertheless. I moved out at 18 to a city far away, but remained in occasional contact with my family.

Since then, I got along with nearly every issue that was haunting me that time. I understood that being boyish or girlish is rubbish and started to do and act like i was feeling, with no regard to things like gender, norms or expectations. Until today, this has been the best decision I have ever made and I can just recommend it for everyone, it is worth every stare or comment.

But one issue stayed for over 10 years and is gaining momentum: that women can give birth and man can not. Every time the topic somehow comes up (which is frequently when you're in your mid 20s) it stings me like a knife, feeling like the darkest times of my teens. I just can't get away from it or somehow cope with the thoughts, the only thing I do is feel miserable until it somehow fades away.

 

What puzzles me is that it is only this topic remaining. If it wasn't for that, I would be perfectly fine having a male body, being just me (meaning not traditionally male or female). Things like crossdressing or transitioning are stuff i have thought about, but am quite sure they just are not right for me. I am currently thinking about seeing a therapist, but financially this would not be easy for me right now.

 

Did someone else experience things like that? What do you think about it?

Thanks a lot again! I honestly appreciate every thought or comment.

[Sally Stone]

Nikita,

 

When I was much younger, about the same age you are now, I went through a very similar phase where I became fascinated with pregnancy and what it might be like to actually experience it.  In my case, it must have been just a phase, because over time those thoughts and feelings waned.  Personally, I think it was born out of a desire to really experience womanhood, being pregnant and giving birth are experiences only women can have.  I kind of felt it would be the ultimate expression of womanhood. 

 

My trans history and the feelings surrounding it pretty much mirror yours.  It took a long time, but I came to the realization that my trans nature is that I am bi-gender.  I was born male, enjoy being male, but I also possess a very strong female side, that makes me enjoy being female as well.  I've reconciled these feelings by expressing both my male and female sides.  This arrangement has worked well for me.  I am fulfilled expressing the female half of my personality, even though I'm only female part of the time. 

 

I think therapy can always be a good thing, although, I have to admit that I've never been to therapy.  I took the self examination route to arrive at conclusions about my trans nature.  This worked for me, personally, but I could never guarantee that it would work for everyone.

 

Welcome to the forum, there are a lot of great people here with amazing experiences to share.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Nikita197 said:

I am currently thinking about seeing a therapist

Hi Nikita!  and Welcome!
I think you found a great place to explore your feelings on this Forum because most everybody here is doing the same thing, all from different perspectives and experiences.
I have similar feelings at times, that my male side is a familiar part of my identity and I can be comfortable with it.  But, for me I definitely have a more pronounced feminine identity I am attached to.  I think to resolve this I am going to seek therapy, as you have considered.

The good news is you have already found a place and identity that you are comfortable with, and I think trying to find labels for ourselves is not always constructive or necessary. 

But, as you suggested even for yourself, therapy would be a good option, so I hope you can find the resources or support groups that might be able to help at low/no cost. 

Welcome again, and look forward to hearing more from you❣️

[Susan R]

Hi Nikita...welcome to our forums. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

 

4 hours ago, Nikita197 said:

But one issue stayed for over 10 years and is gaining momentum: that women can give birth and man can not. Every time the topic somehow comes up (which is frequently when you're in your mid 20s) it stings me like a knife, feeling like the darkest times of my teens. I just can't get away from it or somehow cope with the thoughts, the only thing I do is feel miserable until it somehow fades away.

I thought about this issue myself growing up. It might have started not only because of my gender issues but because I enjoyed helping my mother take care of my two younger sisters when they were babies.  I saw how much love and affection my mother had for each and I wanted to experience that mother bond which starts in the womb.

 

I had a trans g/f back in my mid- 20’s who had a great desire to wanting to be a mom and birth her own kids. She was one of the nicest persons I’ve ever met.  She would’ve been a great mother.  I can remember several tearful moments she had while with me expressing these desires. I didn’t have any answers for her back then as I was in search mode myself. I could only hug her and be her friend and try to cheer her up. She eventually transitioned and I lost contact.

 

I have thought about birthing my own children dozens of times since then. I knew it will never be in my future so I compartmentalized it like I did so well throughout my life. I have mentioned it to my therapist. I can’t remember everything we talked about but the one part of the conversation that helped me was...There are are many things in this life that we would like to experience but taking certain paths in life restrict our access to other experiences. Some paths are chosen for us like gender, what family we have, or what ethnicity we are yet other paths we can choose to take...or not. This path to experiencing pregnancy and birth is a path that was never able be taken and never a choice or possibility for you.

 

So I thought about it and it made total sense to me placing it in that mindset. For me, I have been able to put aside that birthing my own child by placing it in the same category or mindset as compete ing in the Olympics, become independently wealthy, or becoming a rocket scientist. The only difference was that those last three examples were within the realm of possibility at some point in my life whereas birthing was never on the table.  The permanence of that reality has helped me to deal with this in my thoughts. Like the @Sally Stone and @KayC mention, therapy may be a good first step to putting this desire in its place. It has helped me with that issue and several others.

 

Thanks for sharing you story. I hope to read more in time.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome!

7 hours ago, Nikita197 said:

But one issue stayed for over 10 years and is gaining momentum: that women can give birth and man can not. Every time the topic somehow comes up it stings me like a knife, feeling like the darkest times of my teens. I just can't get away from it or somehow cope with the thoughts, the only thing I do is feel miserable until it somehow fades away.

I totally get that feeling and still have the feeling, but I understand your desire, even though I'm more the opposite. Was born female, but will never have the balls or the same measuring stick or the experiences it would have came with. It be nice if I could just grow a working pair. To finally relieve that tension that just keeps build up cuz you just want to but you can't, like a itchy phantom limb. It just all ends leaving me extremely frustrated with little to vent. Having a female body is ok. I could do without the knife stabbing cramping for a week and the tons of bleeding on top every month, but it sadly comes with the perk of child birth, but this doesn't last forever. I would still like to have a kid, while I still can, but it requires a lot of resources and time. 9 months is a long time to be carrying that heavy fragile growing ball of joy, but I still want at least to have one, even though it could literally kill me.

 

7 hours ago, Nikita197 said:

What puzzles me is that it is only this topic remaining. If it wasn't for that, I would be perfectly fine having a male body, being just me (meaning not traditionally male or female). Things like crossdressing or transitioning are stuff i have thought about, but am quite sure they just are not right for me. I am currently thinking about seeing a therapist, but financially this would not be easy for me right now.

I agree with @KayC 

If you feel you are fine with yourself as you already are, then there isn't much for you to transition into, even finding a more fitting label isn't particularly necessary. You can talk to a therapist on it but I all depends on what you feel is necessary that can be done. It is unfortunate we can't just grow sexual organs and add or replace them for the ones we have. But I think it would be interesting, if at some point it would be possible but sadly fell short of that glowing future. You are at least in a good place for some of that needed exploration. And hope you find the answers you seek, and that this one's experience and this forum helps you. 

[Tori M]

Welcome Nakita.  You've already gotten great advice/opinions which I 2nd.  I would just like to add one thought that occurred to me while reading your post.  In my 20's, I was suppressing.  I didn't know it at the time.  I had thought about my gender a lot in my teen years but then life got busy.  I was chasing the almighty dollar and I thought I had forgotten all about gender issues.  Figured it was just a phase.  However, for me, it all came back later.

 

I'm not saying that's you, I just wanted to share my experience so you know that's possible.  Also, I think I've heard of men who have a fascination or envy (I'm not sure) with giving birth.  I don't know the underlying condition, whether it's a gender indication or something else, but I've heard of men getting counseling for it.  That's something else you might want to consider and ask a therapist.

 

It sounds like you are handling your life pretty well and you've found a great place here to talk out your feelings and get caring, understanding feedback.  Unraveling our gender is a journey, not a destination.

[ShawnaLeigh]

22 hours ago, Nikita197 said:

that women can give birth and man can not

Yes this is something that’s been a desire for me as well.  Experienced more during the pregnancy of each of my children and the envy I felt of each wife I had throughout the entire process.  Being there for every event and watching day by day the changes.  I realized pregnancy is not easy nor a comfortable thing but it is the paramount feminine expression and event of being female vs male. 

Then the nurturing aspects of breast feeding was just the cherry on top. Oh how I wished it could of been me. 

I found pregnant women to be highly attractive due to this as well.  Ok not all of them as some let themselves go but you get my meaning. 

At my age now and where I am in life I would not want this to actually happen but I had definitely desired it very much in my young adulthood.  

As for how I felt and dealt with it?   I didn’t.  It just was how it was and at the time there was nothing one could do for it but envy and dream.  

[Tori M]

7 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Then the nurturing aspects of breast feeding was just the cherry on top. Oh how I wished it could of been me. 

 

I have the breast feeding desire as well as a period desire (I know, that sounds crazy to cis women), but I never had the pregnancy drive.  I'm not surprised; 5 million years of evolution has encoded our innate functions very deeply in our genes.  For me personally, I have taken this as more confirmation.

[Emily michelle]

I’ve thought about being a mom many times too. I’m hoping that when my wife and I have kids I might be able to breastfeed I heard it is possible. I need to talk to my doctor about it and see if there is actually a possibility

[JanePlain]

I don't know how realistic it is but Dr Bowers did a youtube video talking about ftm surgey and said that some new work has been done to grow living organs in the lab and thinks its possible t grow a penis so why not a womb?  At least something the younger people might experience.

[Susan R]

10 hours ago, Emily michelle said:

I’m hoping that when my wife and I have kids I might be able to breastfeed I heard it is possible. I need to talk to my doctor about it and see if there is actually a possibility

Yes, It’s possible.  There’s a great Amazon Prime Documentary called Trans featuring several trans individuals.  One person focused on specifically is the Trans surgeon Dr. Christine McGinn who is actually shown in the Documentary breastfeeding her own biological twins with her partner, Lisa.

 

Dr. McGinn planned ahead and had her own sperm frozen prior to her transition to female. After her surgical transition to female and meeting her partner, Dr. McGinn was able to use the stored sperm to father her own biological twins which she and her partner both breastfed successfully.

 

Susan R?

[Emily michelle]

5 hours ago, Susan R said:

Yes, It’s possible.  There’s a great Amazon Prime Documentary called Trans featuring several trans individuals.  One person focused on specifically is the Trans surgeon Dr. Christine McGinn who is actually shown in the Documentary breastfeeding her own biological twins with her partner, Lisa.

 

Dr. McGinn planned ahead and had her own sperm frozen prior to her transition to female. After her surgical transition to female and meeting her partner, Dr. McGinn was able to use the stored sperm to father her own biological twins which she and her partner both breastfed successfully.

 

Susan R?

Actually it was that documentary I learned about it. I froze my sperm also because my wife and I have tried for years with no luck. I’m just hoping that I will be on hrt long enough by the time we do have kids that it will work. Luckily my endocrinologist specializes in reproductive endocrinology 

[Nikita197]

Thank you so much for all your warm replies!

I never thought that there could be such a cosy space to discuss these kind of issues.

 

On 6/4/2020 at 5:26 PM, Susan R said:

I have mentioned it to my therapist. I can’t remember everything we talked about but the one part of the conversation that helped me was...There are are many things in this life that we would like to experience but taking certain paths in life restrict our access to other experiences. Some paths are chosen for us like gender, what family we have, or what ethnicity we are yet other paths we can choose to take...or not. This path to experiencing pregnancy and birth is a path that was never able be taken and never a choice or possibility for you.

 

This sounds like the only way possible, even though it is not a pleasant one. Thank you for citing this here, this is something for my brain to chew on.

 

On 6/5/2020 at 6:56 AM, Tori M said:

Also, I think I've heard of men who have a fascination or envy (I'm not sure) with giving birth.  I don't know the underlying condition, whether it's a gender indication or something else, but I've heard of men getting counseling for it.

This is new to me and is definitely worth investigating, I'll take it to my therapist if I some day have one.