Tips for those pre-medical transition?

[SL]

Although I currently tell people I'm nonbinary right now (mainly just to try to avoid confusion and the fact I haven't had the chance to try different pronouns), I have a lot of dysphoria. I want to transition, but I am terrified and I feel like I should wait until I find a place I want to settle down so I don't have to worry about not having access to adequate health care for a period of time. My fear stems from transphobia from family members, fears surrounding dating, and fears surrounding just living since South Carolina is not the most welcoming place. The university I attend replaced pretty much all on-campus unisex bathrooms with lactation stations within the last year and a half. Transphobic comments have been made to me and other andro-looking afab people in the women's restrooms on campus and I don't feel safe using men's restrooms because I have been sexually assaulted by many guys.

 

The main things I'm dysphoric about are height and chest size. I am 5'4" and am fairly large chested so there is no ignoring them. I have one binder that I designed and built with my recently passed grandmother specifically for large chested ftm people, but  I can't wear the same one every day for sanitary reasons. I also have to be extra careful about how I bind because my chest cavity is deformed (pectus excavatum) so if anyone knows any tips or products for large chested people that aren't overly compressing I'd greatly appreciate all the help I can get.

 

Also, does anyone know any reasonably priced shoes for NB/ftm people? I'm a 7.5 in women's so it's hard to find men's shoes that fit or at least when it comes to more business type shoes. 

[SL]

I feel like I should clarify: this is more than just passing tips. Any tips for dealing with transphobic family and strangers or dating tips is also appreciated.

 

TW: emotional abuse, transphobia

My mom is the only one in my immediate family that is transphobic, but she refuses to believe she is. She makes a lot of passive aggressive comments and is visibly uncomfortable when I dress more masculine. When I told her I was starting to see a guy a few months ago she made a comment that was basically stating that the only way someone could be interested in me romantically was if there was something wrong with them. The history of her making transphobic comments goes back to when I was three years old and would refuse to wear dresses or "girly" clothes and she said, "This is why no one will ever want you." I feel like I won't be able to fully heal and accept myself unless I basically cut her out of my life. The first time I felt like she was really proud of me was the first time I willingly put on a dress around the age of 11 and she was so happy she cried so there was a lot of pressure to be feminine. She has been emotionally abusive to many of my family members, but my family doesn't think distancing myself is a good idea. Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? If so, how did you handle/work through it?

[VickySGV]

This place is loaded with information you are looking for so have at it and if you read something you do not understand, post in the topic and use that as a way to get some response.  Your story is really pretty standard for this place and you fit right in with the crowd.  We have dealt with situations like yours so you are not alone.  Your mom sounds like the female version of my father.  I could never get him to give me compliments until the very last time I saw him alive. Even there he got the compliment wrong but that was because I was not out then.  Anyhow welcome, dig in and we will try to help you.

[Jackie C.]

8 hours ago, SL said:

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? If so, how did you handle/work through it?

 

My mother is a lot like yours. Emotionally abusive... you know, I'll just call her a malignant narcissist like my therapist does. It's faster than the laundry list of personality flaws. Unfortunately, the only thing that worked for me was excluding her from my life. I left the door open for a sincere apology, but unless that comes, the next time I see her will be at her funeral and that's only for my Dad.

 

Hugs!

[TrIIIy]

On the topic of binders, GC2B has great binders in a lot of larger sizes that don’t constrict you like some other brands. I am very large-chested, and I use them. They have a flat panel of cotton on the front that does a good job of flattening without restricting breathing. Hope that helps!

[zachcobain]

Your mother is the same as mine. I'm a 15 year old boy, and she wanted a daughter. I get screamed at a lot. She takes away my binders at any opportunity possible, she deadnames me and misgenders me constantly. I cut my own hair three years ago to a boys cut, i wear only masculine clothes, im 5'11 with broad shoulders, big hands/feet, and a masculine persona. I'm a guy, and whenever she calls me a 'she' in public people are confused. I'm constantly told I'm a bitch, a liar, an -censored-, a girl, unloved. And worst of all, pathetic. Weak. You're not alone.

Don't let anybody but yourself decide who you are. Being transgender is NOT a choice, it's our lives. 

[DonkeySocks]

For shoes, try looking at the clearance section at Kohls. Try boys' shoes instead of mens.

 

As for the rest of it, that really sucks and I'm sorry. We need more unisex restrooms, not less!

 

I guess ask yourself why your family thinks it's better for you not to pull away from your mother. Is it for their convenience (emotional or otherwise)?

[A. Dillon]

I relate to this a lot. I first came out as non-binary last April because I was sick of being called she and didn't think that I could ever really be a man. Took me 7 months to break down and finally ask my family to call me he/him, but I am so much better for it. My mom refused to cut my hair, so I got my sister to do it. My dad continued to call me she/her until my mom told him to quit it, but I was instead not referred to at all (he would either call me deadname or just never call me by a name), which was a bit better. People take time, and even though they might be in the wrong (they are, don't worry) you still have to respect that. There is nothing more consistent in this life than stupidity, and trans people have to put up with a lot of it. Even now, a year after I started living as male full time and never looked back, am growing facial hair, have gotten a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, changed my legal name, he still says that he will probably never call me Dillon. 

 

Moving on from me. Sometimes, you just need to learn to say "funk it" and live for yourself. You are making your own money, you don't need to report to your mom. This time is important to figure out who you are and what you want. Also, I would suggest leaning more towards masculine cis-het stylings - helps keep the squares off your back. Straight leg jeans, in dark wash or black, button downs, but most importantly hoodies, all of these will help you blend in. Find a way to express yourself through that though, like graphic hoodies, different brands and colors, etc. Now that you have to wear a mask everywhere you go, you don't have to worry as much about your jawline or lack of facial hair. Focus on your voice. Voice training, especially for us ftms, takes months to years and can be really painful if done incorrectly. Being able to hear yourself as a guy is so rewarding, and if someone misgendered you/wasn't sure, that clears everything up. If you would like you could message me for more advice on that, I could write a whole book on how I got to where I am now.

 

Oh, and for the shoes part, I would suggest checking out ASOS. They have to largest variety of shoes sizes that I have seen thus far, and they have a very wide selection even for my 7.5-8 men's size. Also a lot of trans-friendly clothes and styles, if you are looking.

 

Be the man you are, and soon people will see it. In your situation, it is probably to stick to being stealth, but don't feel that much pressure. When it comes to men's restrooms, here is the scary truth - no one cares. I have not had a single person approach me, say anything, most don't even look up. You keep your eyes down and thoughts to yourself. Plus, you would be surprised by just how many guys use the stalls in the bathrooms because they want to look at their phones, you won't look weird. I have had some suspicious looking people who are always giving me the side eye, so I just avoid them.

 

This was very long, just live as you like. 

[SL]

Thanks for all the replies! So much has happened since I first posted this. I did order a tank style binder from GC2B so thank you for that suggestion. Unfortunately, it wouldn't fit over my shoulders so I'm waiting for the new one to come in. I think I started seeing a gender therapist soon after the original post and started T on Aug 31st (which also happens to be my mom's birthday lol). My mom is finally starting to come around. It took a few family discussions and her seeing how much my dad was trying for her to step up. She does still make some serious microaggressions at times so sometimes it's hard to tell if she's being genuine or just doesn't want to be the 2nd favorite parent because she's weirdly competitive about it. Like one day my dad mentioned that his friend Bill uses my chosen name and he/him pronouns for me and my mom immediately snapped, "Well Uncle T__ and Uncle J___ do to!" as if she had to make it known that she was doing more than my dad by using my name with two people instead of just one. It was weird. I'll still take that over being dead named any day though haha. I still haven't come out to my dad's parents because I haven't seen them since before the pandemic. My voice has already dropped so much that I think they'll know something is up as soon as they hear me speak so I'm trying to make plans over text which is always fun. I don't know if I'll ever come out to my mom's biological dad. He's very transphobic so I may just let that slide so I can continue donating the birthday check he sends me to LGBT organizations and campaigns of progressive politicians. 

 

Thank you for the suggestion @DonkeySocks! I will definitely try that. I've been pretty good at finding everyday shoes, but snazzy mens dress shoes are hard enough to find let alone in a size 5.5-6. I have found some good looking shoes at ASOS, they just rarely have them in my size. I wish more companies would either start making snazzier dress shoes for boys or make them in smaller sizes for men. Being on the border between big kids and mens is very frustrating. I do get almost all my clothes from there though. 

 

Masks really are a blessing. I have already started getting a 5 o'clock shadow. I did have a few hairs on my upper lip pre-T, but they are definitely growing in number and thickness. The sideburn hairs are getting longer too. My dad's side does have surprisingly strong facial hair genes so I think that's why I have already started seeing differences there. I'm planning to let it grow and thicken as much as possible before I actually have to shave. I'm glad no one has to see my awkward hairs even though I'm very proud of them lol.  I did alligator research on some golf courses last week and I think the old men thought I was a guy even without my mask so that was pretty cool. (I had a serious granola/frat look going.)

 

Thanks for the bathroom tips @A. Dillon! Luckily the pandemic has also made it so I don't have to worry about public restrooms since all my classes are online. I know I'll have to do it eventually, but I am definitely enjoying staying at home while I can.

[DonkeySocks]

Wow, SL, you have gone through a lot of steps and changes in just a few months. I am impressed with how easygoing you sound about microaggressions from your mother. That is one of my main sensitive spots in my family--my mom wants to control the emotions of everyone else. ?

 

Also, envious of your sideburns! Sounds good!

[SL]

Oh the microaggressions still get to me very much so. There have been multiple nights I cried myself to sleep. I'm just glad she's using my name and pronouns fairly regularly even if it isn't for the right reason. She absolutely refused to until my dad started which I kind of thought may happen since she lied to me and my sister growing up about him having affairs so she'd be our favorite by default. She is very controlling, but I think the last few weeks have been better because my sister is in an abusive relationship and my mom doesn't want to be compared to her boyfriend. I've learned the only time my mom has a problem with abusive partners is when they take the people she controls out of her sphere of influence. As long as they don't try to separate her subjects from her she's fine with the abuser doing just about anything that doesn't include physical/sexual abuse. 

[SL]

Also thanks! The sideburns are still blonde and not visible to the eye but I can feel them which already makes me feel 1000x better. They'll get where others can see them eventually!

[DonkeySocks]

1 hour ago, SL said:

She absolutely refused to until my dad started which I kind of thought may happen since she lied to me and my sister growing up about him having affairs so she'd be our favorite by default.

It's so frustrating and sad when you have to learn how to work around someone's unhealthy patterns because they are incapable of being honest, or at least they are incapable of it unless it serves their purpose at the moment. I hope it works out for you. Take care of yourself. Don't let your mom own your emotions (wish I could take my own advice. Blah. I don't think my mom is quite as messed-up as yours in some ways, but on the Internet it can be really hard to tell because we only hear about one piece of someone's personality or life at a time.)

[DonkeySocks]

1 hour ago, SL said:

Also thanks! The sideburns are still blonde and not visible to the eye but I can feel them which already makes me feel 1000x better. They'll get where others can see them eventually!

Grow yourself some 1970s sideburns!