A bit about my life

[MaybeImHigh]

Hi everyone! All of this is honestly pretty new to me so I would like to share my experience with gender dysphoria so far.

So when I was really young I always wanted to be a girl and I was pretty vocal about it. When my parents were together my mom would be accepting of it but kind of dismiss the idea of it being anything more than a phase. She would paint my nails when I asked her to and buy me girl toys (I remember I had this little pink stroller with a doll inside that I would dress up when I would go out) because those were the ones I wanted, but she always told me that at some point I would have to give all of that up and be a man. In school (this was pre-K at the time) I already got made fun of for being feminine. When I was proud of my painted nails everyone would tease me. I remember there was one year where I wanted to dress up as a witch for halloween but I knew I would get made fun of so I kind of settled for an astronaut costume.

As the years went on, my father became more and more distant and when I was 7 my parents got a divorce. It did a lot to isolate me from the other kids as I was very sad for a while, but it also really did a number on my mom. She wanted what was best for me, but she didn't really know how to provide for me. I had always been a weird kid and kind of on the outskirts, but I also had ADHD. In pre-k and kindergarten it didn't really cause too many issues but since first grade when "real" school started, I had arguments with teachers almost every day. I think my mom wanted what was best for me, which was to get good grades and succeed, but she didn't really try to understand me anymore. Instead of taking me to a doctor to get diagnosed, she just called me lazy. I would still see my father on the weekends, but it felt like he made no real effort to get to know me and mostly just parroted what my mother said.

So I wasn't really getting along with the other kids, my father was absent, my mother was losing her mind and I was constantly arguing with my teachers. I didn't feel like there was anyone I could trust and so I repressed a lot of my feelings and started immersing myself in the world of video games. My dysphoria was kind of a constant background hum that I would only really think about in hypotheticals. For example, when I watched X-men, I felt a surge of emotions towards Mystique; that was a superpower I wanted way more than bending metal or controlling minds. But I had never really considered it as anything other than a fantasy. The first time I heard about transgender people was from the boys at school who spoke of them very pejoratively and so I didn't really consider it an option.

The first time I put my feelings into words was when I was 15. At this point I had all but cut off contact with my mother and moved in with my father. He worked a lot so I had a lot of time to myself, which I spent browsing 4chan and being a script kiddie. There was one thread in particular which was "share your deepest, darkest secret; no one will know it was you" (for those of you who don't know, 4chan doesn't have accounts and all posts are anonymous). I typed out that I wished I was a girl, then I got really scared, closed my laptop without posting, and went to sleep. In the days after I thought about my wish and made the connection that I might be transgender.

So one constant theme in my childhood was a complete lack of privacy outside of the digital world. My parents are not tech savvy, but they would constantly go through my room, call me in the middle of class to make sure I was in school, and other helicopter parent things. Because of this I was really afraid that if I did anything concrete to address my feelings (getting some clothes, doing research, and so on) my parents would find out and they would tell anybody else. It took me another two years to finally be able to revisit my feelings. I started doing a little bit of research, and I told my father (at the time I put 100% of the blame for my upbringing on my mother and I saw him as a sympathetic figure) that I was considering this and I wanted his support. He said that he would support me, then turned around and told his side piece who then turned around and told my mother.

So at this point I was still really scared of this feeling and I felt like I had made myself vulnerable. I had always thought martial arts were cool, and my friend had invited me to train a bit with him, but after my father had effectively told everyone about these feelings before I was sure what to do with them, I ran away from it all and put all of my energy into MMA. I was a freshman in college and I was spending 20+ hours a week in the gym. I trained so hard that my muscles were twitching when I wasn't at the gym, and I was set to have my first amateur fight just one and a half years after setting foot in the gym. The gym plus the work required of me in college was enough to keep my mind off my feelings, and that stayed the case until the quarantine hit. Now all the gyms are closed and I'm kind of just sitting around and smoking weed and thinking about my life.

A couple of weeks ago, I got a sudden spike of dysphoria when I was high (hence my username). I decided to be sober for a few days to see if it was just a random thought, but it stayed. So I said "-expletive- it" and ordered some clothes, some makeup, a wig, and other crossdressing paraphernalia.  My therapist told me that I needed to play around with it before making any sort of final decision and that not doing so could end in me making a decision I might regret. So the stuff arrived and I realized a couple of things: I love the feeling of being a woman, but I have a lot of trouble passing (training to become a fighter will do that to you). When I look in the mirror and I don't see a woman then I get more dysphoric, but when I do see a woman it feels ecstatic.

So that's where I'm at right now. I look forward to meeting y'all and hopefully figuring this whole thing out

 

[Jackie C.]

I always wanted to be Nova.

 

 

Of course you're too young to remember her, but I felt that Mystique's shape-shifting powers were too limited. I'm not going to say all of us, but most of us answer "Shape-Shifting" when we're asked, "What super-power would you want to have?"

 

"Throw yourself into a very masculine hobby/career" is another really common response when we're trying to "get past" being trans. I swear half the trans women I know are either ex-military or cops. After that we have construction worker, tech, etc... Not a lot of us run flower shops when we're still in denial is what I'm getting at. Impressed by your dedication to the gym though. I used to (because the gyms are closed now) work for 2.5-3 hours every morning before I started my day. I really miss it. My motivation's probably a little different though. Now that I've got (sorta) the body I was hoping for, I want to take care of it and sculpt it into something nice.

 

I can identify with crap parenting too. A lot of people in this country want to have kids. Very few want to be parents.

 

So yeah. Glad to meet you and thank you for sharing. My advice to you is to find a therapist that specializes in gender issues. A lot of more general therapists don't know what to do with us. Together you can figure out what exactly you need to do to finally feel comfortable in your own skin. In the meantime, we're here and will happily chat about whatever because we're like that. Oh and something about following the rules. They're there for a reason.

 

Hugs!

[SaraAW]

Thanks for sharing your intro. I can tell you, before my egg fully cracked, I went hyper masc. I was in the gym, working out hard, at least 2-3 daily. I did this for about 2 years, before I got to the point I really to examine myself and my feelings. I still work out, but more now to help stay fit and keep my body in good shape, versus trying to get as ripped as I could before. Having my therapist there to work those feelings really helped me, hopefully you find some help from yours. Having access to this forum and the amazing people also helps a ton. If you have questions, I am sure there are folks that will have some insight from similar life events. Have a wonderful day! Hugs!

[MaybeImHigh]

7 hours ago, SaraAW said:

Thanks for sharing your intro. I can tell you, before my egg fully cracked, I went hyper masc. I was in the gym, working out hard, at least 2-3 daily. I did this for about 2 years, before I got to the point I really to examine myself and my feelings. I still work out, but more now to help stay fit and keep my body in good shape, versus trying to get as ripped as I could before. Having my therapist there to work those feelings really helped me, hopefully you find some help from yours. Having access to this forum and the amazing people also helps a ton. If you have questions, I am sure there are folks that will have some insight from similar life events. Have a wonderful day! Hugs!

 

On 6/16/2020 at 9:37 AM, Jackie C. said:

I always wanted to be Nova.

 

 

Of course you're too young to remember her, but I felt that Mystique's shape-shifting powers were too limited. I'm not going to say all of us, but most of us answer "Shape-Shifting" when we're asked, "What super-power would you want to have?"

 

"Throw yourself into a very masculine hobby/career" is another really common response when we're trying to "get past" being trans. I swear half the trans women I know are either ex-military or cops. After that we have construction worker, tech, etc... Not a lot of us run flower shops when we're still in denial is what I'm getting at. Impressed by your dedication to the gym though. I used to (because the gyms are closed now) work for 2.5-3 hours every morning before I started my day. I really miss it. My motivation's probably a little different though. Now that I've got (sorta) the body I was hoping for, I want to take care of it and sculpt it into something nice.

 

I can identify with crap parenting too. A lot of people in this country want to have kids. Very few want to be parents.

 

So yeah. Glad to meet you and thank you for sharing. My advice to you is to find a therapist that specializes in gender issues. A lot of more general therapists don't know what to do with us. Together you can figure out what exactly you need to do to finally feel comfortable in your own skin. In the meantime, we're here and will happily chat about whatever because we're like that. Oh and something about following the rules. They're there for a reason.

 

Hugs!

It's nice to meet you guys

[Susan R]

@MaybeImHigh Welcome! You’re among friends here who have been in your shoes, so to speak. I’m glad you reached out and found us.

8 hours ago, SaraAW said:

I can tell you, before my egg fully cracked, I went hyper masc. I was in the gym, working out hard, at least 2-3 daily.

You can add me to this long list of trans women here that experienced a period of  denial-laden hyper-male activities before doing a complete 180°. I was totally trying to ruin any chance of becoming my true self by body building for years back in my early 20’s. I finally stopped when my good friend and future trans roommate told me she couldn’t understand why I was doing this to myself. She said it was counterproductive to who I am and she made a good point. I soon after switched to racquetball and running treadmill to drop all the muscle weight and started my first of two journeys toward womanhood.

 

On 6/15/2020 at 5:02 PM, MaybeImHigh said:

My therapist told me that I needed to play around with it before making any sort of final decision and that not doing so could end in me making a decision I might regret. So the stuff arrived and I realized a couple of things: I love the feeling of being a woman, but I have a lot of trouble passing

Kudos to your therapist. She was giving you some good advice. You now know a few things about yourself...you enjoy the feeling of being a woman and you have some work to do getting yourself to where your body and mind are closer in tune. In many cases, just being on the journey helps with our gender dysphoria. Though some of us require a little more help. The advice to keep in therapy is one way. It has helped me for sure. Keep in mind...Therapy like many things..you get what you put into it. A good therapist with a specialty in gender issues can do wonders for your mental well being and help you put things into proper perspective. You’ll eventually experience one of those “Ah ha!” moments that can really help.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. Like most trans intros, yours was fascinating to read and compare it to that of my own. We share many similarities in our past. Hope to read more!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

[Guest]

Welcome  @MaybeImHigh glad you found us 

[KayC]

Nice to meet you, Maybelm! and Welcome❣️

 

On 6/16/2020 at 9:02 AM, MaybeImHigh said:

I love the feeling of being a woman

I think you found your Mission Statement.  Its taken most of us much longer to reach that point. 

It takes time, but you've found a great place to help you move forward.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time.

[Rorelai]

Hey there!

 

Trying to push out any thoughts of transitioning by becoming more masculine/throwing yourself into a hobby before coming out is really common. God, I remember becoming really active in my rather conservative church and even parroting homophobic/transphobic rhetoric to try and force these feelings to go away before finally admitting to myself that I'm trans. Like your therapist said, take things slow while you figure out what you want from your transition. You've got the rest of your life to work out the details. There's plenty of resources out there to help you in your journey. Good luck!

[IcamoutofthePANtry]

I more went through a phase of panic and doubt than denial. I was always a more masculine child, and I never took BS from anyone telling me that I couldn't do something because I was a girl. I have a huge self doubt problem (seriously, I can't even trust myself to know what gender I am) so I'm in a constant war with myself. And then came the phase of "Oh sh!t, I'm trans. Where the control z at?!"

Good times, panicking every time someone said "We need to talk."

Idk where I'm going with this lol

You are valid, u beautiful person.