Hello and the journey so far

[Niamh]

All I am certain about is that it's complicated! I'll maybe tell the whole story in detail another day but for now...

 

I inadvertently came out to my wife as MTF Crossdresser/Transgender last October. It didn't go well. After almost crashing out of our 35 year marriage we came to an arrangement with conditions:

 

1. I could only dress as a woman at home (mainly while my she was at work and I worked from home)
2. I could not dress in outer women's clothes and makeup and wig when she was in the house (I had been wandering around the house in lingerie for years!)
3. She would under no circumstances spend time with me or go out while I was dressed as a woman
4. If I chose to go full time as a woman - our marriage was over.

 

We both sought counselling with separate therapists.

 

Since then:

 

It's been really horrible during COVID and nearly broke us again but...

 

I've broken conditions 1 and 2 and 3 with my wife's complicity!

 

My Son and Daughter (in their 30s), Brother and Brother in Law have been made aware and are very supportive - as well as selected friends on both sides.

 

We have jointly acknowledged that there may come a point where I will want to go full time and I may need to start hormones - and 4. above may still apply but this is less certain now. But life for now is so much better than it was at the beginning of this. It may be that what I have will be enough - that  remains to be seen.

 

We will probably both go shopping for women's clothes this weekend in town, now that they have been allowed to open. We've been window shopping already and often our tastes in clothes overlap. My wife now sometimes compliments me on my wardrobe choices and has told me I am attractive when dressed as Niamh. She now starts to complain that I've got a better wardrobe than her. She also said the other day that she knows there are 3 women in the house now as she can't work out whose knickers are whose when she is sorting out the washing! But she cheered up when I offered to do the hand washing of all the bras that needed it (some mine, some hers).

 

There is a lot of uncertainty ahead and it will remain complicated, but with help from the various Trans communities (hopefully including this one) I have found - I think I'll be OK.

 

Many thanks for letting me join

 

[Jackie C.]

48 minutes ago, Niamh said:

She also said the other day that she knows there are 3 women in the house now as she can't work out whose knickers are whose when she is sorting out the washing!

 

I've had the same trouble. My wife and I wear the same size.

 

Welcome to TransPulse @Niamh Feel free to look around, ask questions and post as the muse takes you!

 

Hugs!

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, NiamH.  I'm glad to hear that things at home have settled down.  If you're wife has already backed down from the threats and conditions, its a good sign that she is coming to terms with transition, if that's what you  intend to pursue.  I hope that the therapist you're seeing is a gender specialist, or can at some point refer you to one.  That will be a big help, and hopefully your wife will join you at a couple of sessions.

 

Please look around the forums, ask question, make friends, and have fun.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Greetings @Niamh and welcome!  I'm glad you found us!  You've probably spent some time checking us out before joining so you see we are a caring site.  There are quite a few women around your age with similar experiences here.  You are certainly not alone.  As noted above, I believe you are on a good path as multiple conditions have fallen and you are actually going shopping together.  Thats great and I know it will be fun.  Don't get too carried away$$!

 

Your profile photo looks nice so I'm sure your wife is right about you being attractive.  Please join in the conversation!

 

Cheers, Jani

[Astrid]

Hi, Niamh, and welcome!  Echoing what @Carolyn Marie said (and what is my own experience), if you're able to have your wife join you for gender therapy sessions, that can be one very good way to further open up communications.  In my case, having our therapist explain concepts and comment how my experiences were something not out of the ordinary for trans and non-binary people was helpful for my  wife to hear (as opposed to just me doing the explaining).

 

Wishing you well as move forward!

 

Astrid

[Susan R]

Welcome @Niamh Glad you found us and I hope we can help out. We do try!

 

8 hours ago, Niamh said:

There is a lot of uncertainty ahead and it will remain complicated

This statement applies to so many things in life including life itself but when your transitioning and/or crossdressing with a spouse and family involved, it takes on a whole new meaning.  It can get easier in time if you both work together like you two are. The idea of changing ones gender presentation or gender transition is a scary one not only for us as trans individuals but for our spouses too.  Their feeling of complete loss of any control in the marriage can scare the bejesus out of them. Setting up guidelines like you did is exactly what my wife and I did. They were not nearly as restricting as what you mentioned you had but I did give my wife the ‘keys’ to control the speed and direction of my transition. About 6 months into transition, she freely gave up full control over my transition/gender presentation seeing how greatly improved our relationship had become. All marriages are different so you can likely expect slightly different results—but it can get better. It does sound as though your wife is becoming more acclimated to these changes in your marriage. Good communication and love can do wonders for a relationship. I’m glad your marriage appears to have both ingredients. Good luck to you and your wife.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[KayC]

Welcome, NiamH!  and nice to meet you!

16 hours ago, Niamh said:

After almost crashing out of our 35 year marriage we came to an arrangement with conditions:

WOW!!  this is spot on what my wife told me at first.  She denied she ever said #4, but I did not forget that one.

I am happy your wife has moved forward with you ... and that is also close to my experience.  She's not quite as far along as your wife but there is more acceptance within the hills and valleys of our relationship now.

Based on our common experience I know you will find a great deal of support and experience in this Forum to lean on, and also to share your own.

Welcome again!! Happy to have you here❣️

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Niamh,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome Niamh!

Sharing laundry duty is one of those chores that is a burden that is best shared together and is extremely helpful. To get my partner to finally sort laundry on his own without being asked, glorious feeling. Was very difficult, but we've been slitting the chores up more, and helping each other continues cement that partnership trust. Thank you for posting. We do only what we can out of love.

[Niamh]

Many thanks for your generous welcome. I've got one or two questions bubbling away, but am also more than happy to contribute from my limited experience so far,

[Niamh]

I just wanted to add my apologies to anyone who had seen and commented on a number of photos I had uploaded shortly after joining the site. I didn't realise that (unlike Facebook and other sites) that they preserved all the EXIF data so key email addresses and GPS information was accessible to anyone who viewed them. I've taken those photos down but will replace them with photos that have EXIF information stripped out. Maybe there should be a warning (particularly about photos taken with GPS enabled phones) that there may be personally traceable information that is uploaded with the photos.

[Dinaki]

Hello dear @Niamh and welcome to your new family.

 

[Erikka]

Welcome Niamh

Yes the journey is complicated and it is difficult, but it can be a lot of fun too, and remember too it is a journey and not a destination. You will know joy and confusion and times of heart ache, but know that despite everit is worth it.

Velsignelser

Erikka