Hi, I'm Courtney.

[Courtney]

Hi my name is Courtney.  I've been living invisibly for the past thirteen years.  Eight years ago I became visible to my spouse, and to this day she has been having major issues in processing that information.  She is a few years older than me and was brought up pretty conservatively.  In the past she has point blank told me that she views my authentic self as only a friend, and she is only attracted to men.

 

I guess that's why I joined TransPulse because there's no talking to her about what I'm going through.  I just need to listen to people, so I can say "yeah, I hear you."  I also believe that if/when I reach the point of transitioning and becoming visible to the world, my spouse will not want to be a part of my journey.  So thank you for letting me be a part of this community.

 

Thanks,
Courtney

[Susan R]

Hello @Courtney and welcome. Glad you came onboard. I hope we can offer the support you need. Many of us including myself have spouses that have learned about our true selves. Some outings have gone very well and others, like yours, have been a bit more of a struggle. Don’t give up hope because there is a deep love otherwise you wouldn’t still be in your marriage. It’s a huge adjustment for her. I’m not sure if you’ve ever attempted to move forward in your transition or presentation and then got shot down by your spouse but have you and/or her considered getting support via counseling or group support? I think if this is becoming more of an issue for one of you that would be a good next step. Don’t count her out. Sometimes, if the love is strong enough, with a little understanding and empathy, she might be able to come to some compromise with you and your needs as a person.

 

Thanks for sharing some of your story. Hope to read more when your ready.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums Courtney.  You are with people who understand where you are and what is happening to you just now, read the topics here and it is fine to reply to them with your questions and hopefully others can give you their experiences both helpful and to avoid. 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Courtney,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Courtney said:

there's no talking to her about what I'm going through.  I just need to listen to people, so I can say "yeah, I hear you." 

Hi Courtney! and welcome!

Yep.  I hear you loud and clear.  Its been about 3 or 4 years since I came out to my wife and as I tell others here ... its a roller coaster. 
Just had a fall off the cliff a couple of weeks ago, things got better, then literally 30 minutes ago it happened again .. the recent events all centered around me going to therapy for the first time (actually just the process of getting a referral and first appointment).

 

Its an anxiety monster for both her and I.  For her a reminder of me moving forward (to a place neither of us know yet) and for me extra anxiety that my situation is causing her to suffer too.  Its a double whammy.

My anchor, and hopefully yours too, is as @Susan R says ... "if the love is strong enough .."

 

We're here for you and to support each other.  So, happy you found this Forum and I hope you receive the same benefit I have of being here as a community❣️

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome Courtney!

Glad for you to join us!

[L. Andrew]

Hi Courtney,

Welcome. Hope you have a great experience here.

❤

[Heather Shay]

Welcome Courtney,

 

YOu've found a safe harbor, sanctuary and some incredible ladies who are sharing their journey, struggles and comfort. I cannot say enough about the comfort and support I've received and I've only been a member for a short time and felt better than I have in years and I've struggled with gender diaphoria all my life and hide it (and I'm 68)....

[Courtney]

Hello all! Thank you for the warm welcome! ??

 

Susan R- Thank you for the support and words of wisdom.  No, I haven't taken any steps towards my transition yet.  Sadly, there are many other factors at play as to when I might start to transition.  Money, sociopolitical environment, other family and friends' acceptance, etc. Most importantly, I have two daughters from my first marriage, 11 and 14 (biological mother is deceased.)  I'm kind of aiming for them to turn 18 because we live in an extremely closed-minded, conservative suburb.  Right now it's important as a parent to protect them.  If I were to visible now, most likely someone would be morally offended and call child protective services because I'm a "danger" to my children.  So yes, perhaps sometime in the not too far future in person counseling is something I would like to do. 

 

Kay C- Thank you so much for letting me know that I'm not alone.  I "hear you", it's definitely been a roller coaster with my spouse.  Hopefully the ride ends with both of us in a mutually agreeable place. 

 

Thanks,
Courtney

[Heather Shay]

sounds like the proper plan for the circumstances. Know you have found a wonderful oasis in the middle of the storm.

Shay

[Courtney]

Thanks Shay!  Your comments give me hope.  Yeah, it seems to be the right course of action right now.  I wish it didn't have to be that way.  Our youngest just finished elementary school, and we had two situations in four years where false and slanderous allegations where made against us by the school staff.  I would hate to think what the school district would do if I was visible. 

 

Thanks,

Courtney

[Heather Shay]

I tend to think we are where we are for a reason and when the time is right the path will be clear. I think you and I are now supposed to be in conversation and there for each other. 

Hang in there, I am 68 and do not think I have been half as brave as you so far. Perhaps we are each other's guardian angel. sorry if i am sounding too philosophical...that is just me.

[KymmieL]

Courtney, welcome to TP.

my wife is just like yours.

I only realized the signs that I was transgender about 3 years ago.

She married me a man. She doesn't understand what it means to be transgender. From what I have seen she doesn't want to even learn. Out of my 3 sons, I have one that supports me. I came out to my oldest the end of April. I texted him about 2 weeks after I came out to him. only to get I am still mad at you for things. I have talked to him once since then for about a minute or two. Then my youngest is 22 and still at home.  He is siding with my wife. My wife in her gracious ways says she will let me transition but we won't be married any longer. We have know each other for 50 yrs and married for almost 35. That is love for you.

 

First time I went out dressed as myself. was this past Halloween it scared the crud out of him. however I felt free and myself. Halloween was the first blow up from my wife and son. there have been more I have told them that I quit with my transition. Even to the point of cutting off almost 2 yrs of hair growth. So I know exactly what you are going through. As many of us here have unsupportive wives.

 

Hugs,

Kymmie

 

 

 

[Heather Shay]

I am sorry to heard about your pain in coming out. I'm 68 and known a long time and as Dr. Z (good gender therapist on YouTube) indicated, for me I've have a lot longer to be denying it. I hope they come around but you are trying. I've been married 27 years to my current wife and she caught me 5 years ago self-medicating on estro and blockers, hasd me go to psychologist we know and although it helped a while, it comes back with a roar and I still am too chicken to tell her yet. But finding TP has been amazing and I hope it is a safe harbor and sanctuary for you when it is REALLY tough to get through. Hugs,

Shay

[Astrid]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

the recent events all centered around me going to therapy for the first time (actually just the process of getting a referral and first appointment).

 

Its an anxiety monster for both her and I. 

 

First time going to the gender therapist was difficult for my wife, as well.  But she accepted the offer from the therapist (and me) to attend together from the second session onward, and it really helped to open (and keep open) our communication.  

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

[Heather Shay]

thank you that is a wonderfuk,suggestion, having a beutrak person aid in,helping to ease the way.

[Lexi C]

Hey  Courtney,

Welcome TP..lots of ladies here that can help. Much lv

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Astrid said:

she accepted the offer from the therapist (and me) to attend together from the second session onward, and it really helped to open (and keep open) our communication. 

Thank you for the encouragement, Astrid.  I told my wife at some point I hope she can be part of it if she wants ... not sure if/when she will reach that point though. 

@Courtney I hope the experiences being shared here give you some hope ❤️

[Mmindy]

On 6/19/2020 at 12:39 AM, Courtney said:

 

I guess that's why I joined TransPulse because there's no talking to her about what I'm going through.  I just need to listen to people, so I can say "yeah, I hear you."  I also believe that if/when I reach the point of transitioning and becoming visible to the world, my spouse will not want to be a part of my journey.  So thank you for letting me be a part of this community.

Goodmorning Courtney,

It's nice to meet and welcome you into a safe place where you can just listen, but have a valued voice if you ever need to vent.

 

HUGS,

 

Mindy???

[Courtney]

On 6/19/2020 at 3:17 PM, Shay said:

I tend to think we are where we are for a reason and when the time is right the path will be clear. I think you and I are now supposed to be in conversation and there for each other. 

Hang in there, I am 68 and do not think I have been half as brave as you so far. Perhaps we are each other's guardian angel. sorry if i am sounding too philosophical...that is just me.

@Shay That's fine, I tend to get philosophical too.  I agree.  Our meeting now is part of both our journeys.  Quite to the contrary, I think you are a brave woman.   I haven't taken any solid steps towards my transition, and I'm only visible to four other people.  My spouse (which we know how that is going), my sister who has been incredibly supportive and a couple of my Lesbian friends who were great and supportive at first, but now have become distant towards me.  So thanks for being here for me and know I'm here for you.  

[Courtney]

On 6/20/2020 at 5:02 AM, KayC said:

I hope the experiences being shared here give you some hope ❤️

@KayC Yes, it's been a great experience here already.  It's nice to know that I'm not alone and to gain some hope that the future will be good.  Thanks for your support!

 

Courtney

[Courtney]

On 6/19/2020 at 4:39 PM, KymmieL said:

She married me a man. She doesn't understand what it means to be transgender. From what I have seen she doesn't want to even learn. Out of my 3 sons, I have one that supports me. I came out to my oldest the end of April. I texted him about 2 weeks after I came out to him. only to get I am still mad at you for things. I have talked to him once since then for about a minute or two. Then my youngest is 22 and still at home.  He is siding with my wife

@KymmieL  Our spouses do sound very similar.  Just last week, she called me being transgender "my difficulty."  She can't even say the correct term.  I'm sure that yesterday was as rough for you as it was for me.  Father's Day is always a day I don't look forward to.  I can give my two daughters a pass since I'm still invisible to them (I wear pretty inconspicuous women's clothing around the house, just so I can feel somewhat like myself,) but my spouse just needles it into me because she is in denial.  She misgenders me and she knows it hurts me.  She posts on social media when she knows I don't want to acknowledge the day.  So let me wish you a very Happy Belated Maddie's Day!!

 

Thanks,

Courtney

[Heather Shay]

agree - when my step daughter, wife and step-grand kids and I went out for ice cream they said it sure has been a nice father's day. I can't relate to the term. I did help my wife raise her son and daughter but always backed off because when I went to strong, as a protective parent she "took ownership." So I've always seen myself as a guardian/helper.

[Courtney]

22 hours ago, Shay said:

agree - when my step daughter, wife and step-grand kids and I went out for ice cream they said it sure has been a nice father's day. I can't relate to the term. I did help my wife raise her son and daughter but always backed off because when I went to strong, as a protective parent she "took ownership." So I've always seen myself as a guardian/helper.

@Shay  Well a Happy Belated Maddie's Day to you too!  I get it and feel for you.  My situation is kind of messy like yours.  My current spouse is very much a mircomanager while I'm more of a macromanager.  She tends to get angry and frustrated when things aren't done her way.  She adopted the girls a few years ago, but biologically speaking they are my kids.  In the spirit of glasnost, I work to have us be equal co-parents.  Although there are times when I want to pull rank because I feel that what she is doing may be causing some undue stress on the girls and/or completely overreacting.  But I feel weak and don't say anything for fear of being shouted down and blame being turned on me (or else she will pull out the victim card on me.)  In the end, I think our daughters are going to turn out to be independent and strong-willed women.  Have a wonderful day!

 

Hugs,

Courtney

[Heather Shay]

wow... similar here except they are her biological kids and i hear the hen when i try to step in so i resigned myself to be a guardian and someone they can talk to if they want, alas, her son is aspberger and i do what i xan to be supportive and her daughter and her hang our a lot so it doesnt feel i am that necessary. 

any time you want to message me and IM here, please do. I think it might do both of us some good.

Mental Hug,

Shay