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Sara Rose

my husband told me he is trans

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Sara Rose

I'm so nervous I don't know what I'm doing on here. Sorry an advance if I don't use the right wording I'm some what new to all of this. To start off me and my spouse have been through a lot in the years we have been together and I know they are my soul mate and I will back them an anything they do. 

Well a few years ago my spouse came up to me and told me they wanted to wear women's clothes and I was like ok why not go for it. Didn't really think much of it. Then they wanted brest froms and I was like ok but not ok with it. I know that sounds bad but I was open to it all. 

About a year ago now my spouse came out and told me they was transgender. I was shocked and didn't know what to think. But at the same time I was ok with it. At that time all I could think about is, "I love my spouse with all of my heart and I don't want to lose them. But I don't know if I'm ready for all of this".

And well here we are today im standing by my spouse and I want to understand what they are going through. A few weeks ago we talked about them starting HRT and that was pretty much it and now they are taking them. I know I should be happy for them but im so scared I don't know what to expect.  

I know im all over the place sorry for that.

 

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KathyLauren

Hi, Sara Rose.  Welcome to Trans Pulse!

 

First of all, I want to congratulate you on standing by your spouse.  That is a courageous thing to do!

 

I don't think anyone is ready for this.  We who are trans spent our lives being so not-ready that we put off coming out for years.  And of course, our spouses, you, are even less ready.  We had the advantage of having had it on our minds.  For you, it is sudden, seemingly coming out of nowhere.  So it is understandable that you are shocked.

 

When someone transitions, their spouse and their entire family transitions with them.  A lot of changes happen.  And yet, the trans person doesn't become a different person.  Some things will change, but who they are remains the same.  I am lucky that my wife realized this right away.  It sounds like you understand it too.

 

The challenge for you is how to adapt to the changes, while continuing to love the person you married, who is still there.  Counselling may be helpful.  We often recommend that the trans person seek out a gender therapist.  The same goes for their spouse.  Being able to talk to a professional who has experience with the issues that can arise can be really helpful.

 

And of course, coming here and talking to us, and to other spouses, can be really helpful, too.  So please don't hesitate to ask any specific questions that you may have.

 

Regards,

Kathy

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Erikka

Welcome Sarah Rose,

you are in the right place. Information, facts and honesty are our greatest tools for us and for our spouses. I knew I was different from a very early age. I told my spouse before we got married. But I did not act on transitioning until after my spouse and I split up because I did not want people thinking my transition was the reason for the divorce. Honesty. It helps.

Velsignelser

Erikka

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Carolyn Marie

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Sara.  As Kathy Lauren said, you are courageous and to be congratulated for supporting your spouse through this time of change and upheaval for both of you.  It shows a lot of love is in your heart.  Using the pronoun "they" is just fine, too.

 

There is much you can learn here on the forums, and also much that you can learn from places like the Human Rights Campaign (HRC),  This website is also a wonderful resource:  https://www.transgenderpartners.com/resource-for-partners-2.

 

Please reach out in the forums or via Private Message (PM) if you have questions.  You'll have PM access after you post 5 times.  We want to help all we can, because it isn't as common as it should be for couples to stay together after one decides to transition, and so its vitally important for us to help.  I transitioned 10 years ago and my wife of 30 years is still with me, and we have a great relationship.  If we can do it, so can you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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KayC

Hi Sara!  and Welcome!
Thank you for having the courage to come to this Forum and share your struggles.  For those here with spouses who are going through similar issues its really beneficial for us to hear your point of view, and I truly hope you will find information and support here that will help you and your spouse.
You are going through very similar emotions that I have watched my wife struggle with the past 3 or 4 years, and most recently when I wanted to start therapy.
I know each step brings another level of uncertainty and anxiety with it.


I hope your husband has had an opportunity for therapy, and at some point therapy for the both of you.  That may be the best opportunity to understand what is happening without all the emotions of just being a bystander. 
If HRT makes your spouse happy, just realize they're the same person they were before ... just happier and more confident in their true self. 

 

There are many stories in this forum of how it made the relationship better.  So, if you and your spouse both love each other, and want to stay together, there's really nothing to keep that from happening.  It will be up to both of you, hopefully hand-in-hand.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time❣️

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Jackie C.

Hey @Sara Rose! Welcome to TransPulse!

 

My guess would be that you're here looking for support and information? That's a good choice, we're very good at both of those things.

 

For starters, don't panic. Your spouse isn't going to turn into a new person overnight. The best way to describe what happens with HRT is that our personality rotates. Some bits that were muted move to the fore while other behaviors move to the background. You're never going to wake up next to a stranger. The other important thing to remember is that HRT takes time. While the mental changes start to take hold within the first few months, the physical changes will take years to complete. Your spouse will have less T in their system and more E. You're familiar with the effects of E.

i can't speak for everyone, but my own wife finds me a lot easier to deal with since I've been on HRT. I'm calmer, more emphatic and more attentive. My smell changed. Really, it's so faint now it might as well not be there but I've got an autoimmune disorder that wrecked my hair follicles. I don't have anything to catch it. Your mileage will probably vary.

 

The most important thing to remember is that you're still in a relationship and the number one rule of being in a relationship is communication. You should be able to tell your partner everything except what they're getting for Christmas. This isn't any different. On the plus side, one of those mental changes your spouse will be enjoying (I've enjoyed every one of my changes so I'm projecting a little) is an improved ability to communicate. It comes with a stronger need to communicate so prepare for her to run her mouth a bit while she gets used to the new normal.

Your spouse will be, for the first time, sharing all of themselves with you. That can be a little overwhelming for both of you. Just remind them that it might take you a little while to get used to everything too. You should both be comfortable. 

 

You should also remember that unless there are deeper problems in the marriage, your spouse has no intention of leaving you. Honestly, the possibility never occurred to me. I was surprised when my spouse brought it up. She felt that I was going to rush off on this new adventure and leave her behind. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. I wanted to rush off on this new adventure with her at my side.

 

I hope some of that helps. Again, welcome to the site and feel free to ask us whatever you like. It's what we're here for.

 

Hugs!

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Sara Rose

Thank you all so much i really appreciate it.

 I have made the comment about going to therapy to my spouse and well got nothing back so I don't know about that. Its hard for me to come on here and talk and ask questions I'm more of a face to face person. But I will do what it takes to help us get through this together. I keep hearing its a rollercoasters ride well i don't like rollercoasters but I'm on for the ride with them. 🙂

Thank you all again

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Susan R

@Sara Rose It’s a pleasure to meet you. It’s so nice to see a spouse work with their partner like you are. Don’t worry if things don’t move along exactly the way you expect especially after recently starting HRT. As others have mentioned, there are ups and downs for the first few months as their body makes adjustments to the medication. If your spouse is quiet, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or they don’t appreciate your help. Continue to communicate and assure them you love and support them in this but try not to push too hard for therapy if you aren’t making any headway with it yet. They might not yet be ready.  It’s hard but soon you’ll likely see a much happier spouse with proper hormone regimen. I hope the best for you both and am happy your trying as hard as you are to make it work. Keep us updated on your progress if you can and if feel like sharing it here.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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Carrie

Hi Sara Rose

You said going to the therapist to spouse and they did not really respond.  Perhaps you could get your spouse on here to talk to others of like mind.

Wish you well

Carrie

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Sara Rose

I'm not going to push for therapy for my spouse but maybe for myself right now. My spouse is on here and we have been talking about it. My spouse has only came out to two of us so far and well we have not really talked about this yet. It was more of so you know kind of thing...  
I don't think we both know how to start that conversation lol. I have asked my spouse what they would like to go by him/her and was told when they are all dressed up and all cute they would like to go by her other then that him for now.  I'm not trying to come on here an offend anybody with using the wrong pronouns.  I did ask first 🙂. This is all so new still everyday I have new questions to ask and hope I ask them in the right manner. I have been with my spouse for a 11 years now and we have been through alot together and we will get through this together as well.
Thanks for listening  hope you all have a great day. 🙂

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Carrie

`Hi Sara

There are many people here who have similar stories.  You will both find much support here.

If either of you have questions then just ask. 

Carrie 🙂

 

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KayC
4 hours ago, Sara Rose said:

I don't think we both know how to start that conversation lol.

Hi Sara
Even if your spouse doesn't desire therapy I think it would be a positive step for you to go.  Being able to communicate is going to be an essential element and your sincerity in wanting be able to stay emotionally connected to your spouse will be critical in keeping your relationship together ... if that's what BOTH of you want.  And, its really going to take both of you.

My situation is almost the exact opposite .. I want therapy, but it seems my wife is fearful of that step .. and that really prevents open communication.  I also cannot express my true feelings to her, because it seems she thinks I am blaming her for my unhappiness (which is absolutely not true).  So, this is where therapy can help both partners I believe.

I am wishing all the best in your efforts and therapy.  I hope you can stay with us to let us know how it goes (sometimes a blog is better because its private to Members only).  It would be very beneficial to others going through the same.


Deep breaths ... ❣️

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MadelineWilco
7 hours ago, Sara Rose said:

I'm not going to push for therapy for my spouse but maybe for myself right now. My spouse is on here and we have been talking about it. My spouse has only came out to two of us so far and well we have not really talked about this yet. It was more of so you know kind of thing...  
I don't think we both know how to start that conversation lol. I have asked my spouse what they would like to go by him/her and was told when they are all dressed up and all cute they would like to go by her other then that him for now.  I'm not trying to come on here an offend anybody with using the wrong pronouns.  I did ask first 🙂. This is all so new still everyday I have new questions to ask and hope I ask them in the right manner. I have been with my spouse for a 11 years now and we have been through alot together and we will get through this together as well.
Thanks for listening  hope you all have a great day. 🙂

Hi Sara!

They sound a lot like me. When I dress up and "become" a girl, my name is Madeline. Ask them when they dress up what name they want to be called, and ya'll can do some stuff as girls or regularly as opposite genders. They're not trans, They're a demigirl in my honest opinion. Let them pick out a girly name, and let them pick out some girly clothes, shoes, underwear, makeup, and shapewear like I wear, pick him out a really cute feminine name, and do some really girly stuff together! I can assure you, it will be awesome!

Love, 

Madeline

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Ursula

Hey Sara! I’m pretty new to this whole shebang too and just wanted to say that you couldn’t have picked a more lovely or open community forum!

it already sounds like you’re being an amazing supportive partner and really a transition isn’t something that should come between you. 
I have benefit immensely from therapy, just having a third party to discuss my feelings with and who can offer profession insights is great. 
I would say not to downplay how you feel, she’s going through a lot but so are you x 

love xx

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