Hi everyone. A uk dad here

[A’s dad]

About a week ago my 18 yr old son plucked up the courage to tell me that he’s convinced that he’s female behind the male body he was born with.

we live in a house with my partner and step daughter. He first opened up to my step daughter who added two and two together one day and asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about. 
He told her everything and she immediately gave him a hug and promised to help in any way she could. Her mother and her have been absolutely fantastic from the start and I’ve joined the enthusiasm and general good vibes  that have developed. It’s clear that a gigantic weight has lifted from his shoulders.

The first question I’m here to ask you lovely people is where do we start. 
A little bit of back story . 
for several years he had become more withdrawn and less social but still a very polite and caring individual at home. A few issues began to arise when some of my partners and stepdaughters clothes began to go walkabout but as is forever the case , we dismissed it as carelessness and I was protective of him. I’ve now found out that he dressed regularly while we were out at work and ordered hair removal products and other bits online. He grew his hair long and became very defensive about getting it cut. He says that he never wanted a mirror in his room as he couldn’t stand the sight of his male reflection.

i want to support him in every possible way to become the woman he yearns to be on the outside, not just the inside.

many of you will likely pick up on the “he “pronoun but please understand this is all new to me and in time I’ll fully get with the flow of calling my daughter to be “she”

thanks for taking the time to read this and I’ll be so grateful for any advice from your own experiences as we start this journey.

X

p.s I will answer all replies but work etc limit my time online.

[Jackie C.]

Good call on the pronouns. You'll get there. The important thing is that you're trying. Your kid will pick up on that and appreciate the effort. I suppose I should add something about "We do not misgender trans people here." It's one of the rules. Rule #3 if you were curious, but that only applies to members so I suppose you're in a gray area. The point being that using the correct name and pronouns for your daughter will go a long way towards helping her feel more comfortable around her.

 

The nest step is to get a professional involved. Get a hold of a gender therapist to talk with your daughter about her issues. I understand that can take a minute in the UK, so in the meantime you'll want to help your daughter express herself in a way that makes her comfortable.

 

Now, depending on how "out" she is, she's going to want a few things. First off, take her shopping (within parameters imposed by the global pandemic naturally) and get her some of her own clothes. Whatever she feels comfortable wearing. This can be just for around the house or while she's out and about. If she wants it, you should also check out a cross-dresser supply and get her a pair of breast forms and maybe a gaffe panty. This can be with his stepsister if she's not comfortable doing it with her dad looking over her shoulder. I personally have no sense of shame, but I remember being eighteen in the distant, distant past. I recommend a second pair of eyes to be the "voice of reason." Otherwise, especially when we're young, we go... um, BIG without an eye to how we'll look walking around. Or any other consideration really.

 

Get her hair done if she wants it. Help her with her voice. She's still your child and you seem to be pretty good at the whole, "Love and Support Your Child," thing. I'm sure you'll do fine.

 

Hugs!

[A’s dad]

Thanks Jackie.

Im more nervous of doing or saying that one wrong thing that could make her feel that I’m not 100% behind her on this. I am absolutely 100% as I want her life to be as rewarding as possible.

it does feel a bit strange right now using the correct pronouns but I know I’ll soon get familiar with it. 
The clothes shopping is in hand as my step daughter is itching to take her shopping and as they are the same age she’ll have a good handle on age related fashion etc . 
I,m nervous and excited at the same time for her. Just to see that smile back on her face after all this time will mean the world to me.

 

[Jackie C.]

I think you'll do OK. You're going to mess up. You're only human, but so long as your daughter sees that you're trying and apologize when it happens there shouldn't be any hard feelings. It sounds like she's got two supportive parents on her side. That's pretty much the best-case scenario.

 

Hugs!

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome!

Happy you joined and wish you the best.??

[Astrid]

How pleasant to read your reasoned and supportive story!  

 

From friends in the U.K. and reading the regular news feeds about NHS funding, it could be a lengthy process.  But you likely know that already.  By far the most important thing is your support, so kudos!!   If privately arranged payment is a possibility (as opposed to the lengthy wait for NHS clinic appointments), then a gender therapist as soon as that can be arranged will be a very good investment.

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

[Tori M]

I love reading posts like this from supportive parents!  Way to go, @A’s dad.   Just FYI.... I was about to google something similar, so I just tried "parents guide to transgender child" and received a very long list from many publications and sites.  Note I'm on the U.S. google site, .com.

 

12 hours ago, A’s dad said:

I’ve joined the enthusiasm and general good vibes  that have developed

 

That's wonderful.  We don't want to see our loved ones distressed over our need to address our identity.  I expect that you already know how difficult this is for her.  Enjoy the journey with your daughter!

 

[A’s dad]

Thanks for the lovely messages. I really appreciate it. Here’s to a bright future and I wish you all the joy and peace of mind with your own journeys whatever stage you’re currently at. I’ll be asking a lot of questions on the forums as  my daughter progresses. X

[Carrie]

A's dad

I know how important it is to have support of your parents there. I know my parents were there when I needed support with all the difficulties that arrive.

Pronouns are so easy to mess up when they change from what was to what is.  Especially when you are recalling things that have happened some time ago.  I know I was hurt a little each time it happened in the beginning but with a little thought I realised my parents were trying.  

I am so impressed about what you have done. You made the effort to find a site like this to help your daughter. That can be a big ask.

I wish you so much goodwill 

Carrie 

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Tori M said:

I love reading posts like this from supportive parents!

That makes two of us!

 

@A’s dad I read your post this morning and looked at the time and I was already late for an appointment but so wanted to tell you how wonderful you are to love your child unconditionally like you're doing. What I would’ve given to have even a single parent of mine with your understanding and compassion. You’re taking your daughter’s needs to heart and not just burying them in denial or refusing to believe or understand how real this issue is as so many parents do. You are one of the good guys and I am glad you reached out here.

 

@Jackie C. gave you all great advice so I won’t repeat any of that but I do want to further stress the importance of therapy as a next step. A good therapist with a specialty of working with trans clients can help your daughter avoid some of the challenges she may likely face in her not too distant future.

 

Kudos to you daughter for having the wherewithal to talk to you about this. That’s no easy task. I couldn’t do it myself 45 years ago so I know how much risk she took by telling you.  You two must have a wonderful relationship which is likely going to get even better now that she is accepting her true self and doing something about it. Your step-daughter is going to be a good ally for her too. How lucky is that...built in family support. That’s rare.

 

I’m happy for you all and hope to hear how things go as time permits. Thank for being there for your daughter. She needs you now more than ever!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[DeeDee]

Just want to add to the general welcome and the intent of support, it is a HUGE thing to admit, knowing that your daughter could open up is a testament to the bond you have.

Depending on where you are in the UK the NHS waiting times are somewhere between lengthy and eternity, so look up where is closest, and make an initial appointment at the closest gender identity clinic if you can self refer, if not the GP may be the next step. I panicked when they asked about name/gender on the form but as all my medical records are male I went with that - I am a parent and still not out to most of the people in my life, just my sisters and some close friends, so they rarely use female pronouns for me, but it means the world when they call me Dee. ?

 

The clinic can help point you towards therapy, or alternatively you can look for private therapists who ideally have some awareness of trans issues.

Your daughter may or may not start wearing clothes around the house in front of you now to unconsciously test your reaction and build her confidence - the trips out will come when she is read, but really just keep doing what you are doing.

 

 

[A’s dad]

Thanks Dee Dee. 
we’re encouraging her to be herself around the house. We haven’t met “A “dressed yet although my step daughter has seen a couple of pictures And has said how natural she looks. I  get the feeling she wants to make her best possible effort with the right clothes and makeup etc. The big shopping trip is imminent and you can feel the excitement between all the girls in the house. 
I haven’t revealed her name or any pictures yet for obvious reasons as I want her to be comfortable with it once we spread the news to family and friends when she goes public. Once we do I promise to put up a picture of me and my lovely daughter that might also help others who are working up the courage to be who they really are.

[Jackie C.]

Seriously, I love how supportive you are. You totally won at parenting.

 

I need to step in here and remind you that, while I would LOVE to see the pictures, we've got some rules about that. Pictures that don't feature just you need to be posted in the member's gallery, preferably with a link in your forum post so that we can find them. This keeps non-members and other looky-loos from seeing pictures we might not want to make public. Your daughter is eighteen so posting pictures is fine, just be safe.

 

Hugs!

[A’s dad]

All good Jackie. I’ll be very mindful when it comes to pictures.

Thanks again x

[ToniTone]

Hello and welcome! Thank you for being a supportive parent to your daughter. People in our community need supportive allies, especially if they're family. I'm sure it means the world to her! 

 

I see it's been touched on, but I'd recommend asking what pronouns they want to be referred as. If they identify as a woman, most likely they'll prefer she/her pronouns. But some trans people starting out might prefer they/them at first. I know I did for like the first month of my social transition. It kinda helped me subtly ease into getting used to different pronouns than what were assigned to me. Then I went to she/her, at first it was peculiar but so validating. Still is actually. Anyway, they're your daughter's pronouns, let them decide what makes them happy. 

 

You're doing it right. We're glad to have you here with us ?

 

~Toni