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I don't even know anymore


Mary Jane

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Mary Jane

i dont know how to go on anymore i truly hate how my life is now im in a house thats a prison to me, i live with family members thats not truly family and i dont even know anymore. it truly is getting harder and harder for me to survive every time im thinking of killing my self it feels like its closer to happening than before but at the same time i dont know how much more pain i need to have to be able to do it also this is pretty much the same feeling i had before when i became closed off only difference was family almost felt like family and the house almost felt like a home. i dont want to be closed off again but if i need to then i wont stop it

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  • Forum Moderator
tracy_j

Just keep going. Talk to people. We are here for you.

 

Tracy

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Keep going. You can do it. Times can be just the worst of the worst but things can improve. Talking to people...even random strangers helps. Find things that you like and like doing and want to do and that can help. 

 

?

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Mary Jane

i know they help but at this point whats the point eventually something is going to make me extremely sad again

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  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.

Well sure, but "I am sad now," does not equal, "I will always be sad." At the same time, "I will be sad in the future," is not the same as, "My future will be sad." It's an easy trap to fall into. People avoid the pain of failure by never trying. That's no way to live.

 

Hugs!

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Mary Jane

i know that but and i know i said it before im trapped so maybe not all of my future will be sad but most will

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Jackie C.

Eh, two more years or so. Then you go off to college (or get a job or whatever) and your life opens up. High School blows. Fortunately, the rest of your life is not High School.

 

Hugs!

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Mary Jane

true and i have endured my life so far even tho its been mental hell but question is would i even be able to keep going for 2 more years especially if im open

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Sarahnr1

You know as well as i do you WILL  and you CAN do this Mary Jane.   

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Mary Jane

yea.... problem is its going to be more torture if im too open but i dont know how to balance out being open or closed yet, well i kind of do because closed or open when my mood is just neutral not sad not happy not bored not anything really its balanced but make me happy and i get more vulnerable make me sad and i get less vulnerable by vulnerable i pretty much mean getting me more sad if im already sad its going to be harder to make me more sad than when im happy

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Sarahnr1
25 minutes ago, Mary Jane said:

yea.... problem is its going to be more torture if im too open but i dont know how to balance out being open or closed yet, well i kind of do because closed or open when my mood is just neutral not sad not happy not bored not anything really its balanced but make me happy and i get more vulnerable make me sad and i get less vulnerable by vulnerable i pretty much mean getting me more sad if im already sad its going to be harder to make me more sad than when im happy

 

Life is a rollercouster of  both good times  as well as  bad /rough trying times  my young friend  and you need to try to find some way to balance this  because  belive me  this IS  life.   

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Mary Jane

i know the problem im having is i cant find the balance yet a little too closed and im blocking like everything including what ive been wondering this year (my gender) a little too open and im a little too positive, balance would be im still blocking things but not everything and im still positive just not too much ive done it before open or closed but when im too open its when im neutral and when im too closed its when im a little happy like when i get ice cream im a little happy

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Sarahnr1
26 minutes ago, Mary Jane said:

i know the problem im having is i cant find the balance yet a little too closed and im blocking like everything including what ive been wondering this year (my gender) a little too open and im a little too positive, balance would be im still blocking things but not everything and im still positive just not too much ive done it before open or closed but when im too open its when im neutral and when im too closed its when im a little happy like when i get ice cream im a little happy

 

You will my young  friend  you just have to keep trying   

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Mary Jane

which i will at least for now but as i said i dont know how much pain ill need to have to be able to kill myself. still feeling empty tho 

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Sarahnr1
25 minutes ago, Mary Jane said:

which i will at least for now but as i said i dont know how much pain ill need to have to be able to kill myself. still feeling empty tho 

 

Noone knows were  our  breaking point  is  BUT for that to go as far as  leaving  earth  its  a LOOOOONG way of  both for  you  my young friend, of this i have NO dought.

 

Understandble   but  give it  some time  to let  it  digest and process  and you will feel better again  

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Mary Jane
34 minutes ago, Sarahnr1 said:

 

Noone knows were  our  breaking point  is  BUT for that to go as far as  leaving  earth  its  a LOOOOONG way of  both for  you  my young friend, of this i have NO dought.

 

Understandble   but  give it  some time  to let  it  digest and process  and you will feel better again  

yea... i believe you because ive felt it many times but nver even got close to just hurting myself

 

true im estimating ill be fully back to normal by tuesday right now tho im wondering if i have depression i really dont know because im always too distracted even if im just thinking and staring at something

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Sarahnr1
25 minutes ago, Mary Jane said:

yea... i believe you because ive felt it many times but nver even got close to just hurting myself

 

true im estimating ill be fully back to normal by tuesday right now tho im wondering if i have depression i really dont know because im always too distracted even if im just thinking and staring at something

 

Thinking of doing  it is one thing . Actually get that far to actually be prepared to do it  another , And to actually go thru with is  a COMPLEATLY different  story 

 

You alredy know what ive said  about  this  things and i havent  changed  any of  my suspicions  my friend  on either one  .  BUT as i also said  only YOU and  cert  profetionals can determan this  WHEN  this  pandemic  is  over IF you so want and can. 

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Mary Jane
32 minutes ago, Sarahnr1 said:

You alredy know what ive said  about  this  things and i havent  changed  any of  my suspicions  my friend  on either one  .  BUT as i also said  only YOU and  cert  profetionals can determan this  WHEN  this  pandemic  is  over IF you so want and can

I’ll figure it out some day also if you mean bipolar, bipolar is like if it happens for no reason it’s like if I was happy one min the next I’m sad but nothing not even what I’m thinking caused it but I know it’s not because even now people I don’t know or don’t care about can’t even make me think negatively so far only my dad has been able to even tho to me he’s practically just a someone trying to take care of me pretty much like if my dad was a step dad

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Sarahnr1
27 minutes ago, Mary Jane said:

I’ll figure it out some day

 

also if you mean bipolar, bipolar is like if it happens for no reason it’s like if I was happy one min the next I’m sad but nothing not even what I’m thinking caused it but I know it’s not because even now people I don’t know or don’t care about can’t even make me think negatively so far only my dad has been able to even tho to me he’s practically just a someone trying to take care of me pretty much like if my dad was a step dad

 

I know you will my friend  

 

Actually you can get hit  or trigerd  from MANY different  sources   my friend  , and ive been Bipolar  (well my time it was called  manic depression actually later  changed to Bipolar  ) from birth and i have my triggers  not as you think happy one minut  and down the next .

 

I regarded my step dad  as  my reel dad as well  his entire life  as well  . And LORD did  we have conflicts  between eatchoder  

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Mary Jane
33 minutes ago, Sarahnr1 said:

Actually you can get hit  or trigerd  from MANY different  sources   my friend  , and ive been Bipolar  (well my time it was called  manic depression actually later  changed to Bipolar  ) from birth and i have my triggers  not as you think happy one minut  and down the next .

Huh well me so far its my dad making me think negatively I think if my dad wasn’t so negative my life would be more positive but thanks to everything bad and everything good it’s balanced the VR consoles phones and computer counters me not having friends or family me being bullied is over at least for now but when I was being bullied always playing or relaxing balanced it out and for everything else bad eventually gets countered by good and good eventually gets countered by bad 

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Mary Jane

From time to time I do randomly think negatively but who doesn’t?

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Sarahnr1
26 minutes ago, Mary Jane said:

Huh

 

well me so far its my dad making me think negatively I think if my dad wasn’t so negative my life would be more positive

 

but thanks to everything bad and everything good it’s balanced the VR consoles phones and computer counters me not having friends or family me being bullied is over at least for now but when I was being bullied always playing or relaxing balanced it out and for everything else bad eventually gets countered by good and good eventually gets countered by bad 

 

Yeah 

 

Im shore he dont  whant it to  tho  

 

As i said  we all have our  upps and downs  and also with youre backround  its  not  that odd  IF  you have developed a few  of this  mentined " iccues  "   i know  my crappy life   havent helped  any  for any of my diagnosis. Thats actually been established   a LONG time ago  

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Sarahnr1
30 minutes ago, Mary Jane said:

From time to time I do randomly think negatively but who doesn’t?

 

We all have those down periods yes (incl those  who dont  have diagnose  )  

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Mary Jane

Thank you again it’s nice to be able to talk to people that won’t just try to over power me (my dad always tries to)

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Mary Jane
26 minutes ago, Mary Jane said:

Thank you again it’s nice to be able to talk to people that won’t just try to over power me (my dad always tries to)

Meant to say that won’t just try to over power me or other all the time (my dad always tries)

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