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Tim

I do not want really but I have to.

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Tim

HiThis is actually the first Topic on this forum so hi ^^ but I am completely lost. I do not have a good family, friends, a good life. Since 1 year (exactly since my starting of my puberty) I do not agree with my body. It destroys me everyday to be not a girl/women. These feelings and thoughts are in my mind everyday. Sorry when my English isn't that good but i am so tired of doing anything because its too much for me (That might be also Depressions but who cares about me lol). My Parents do not know my secret but they wouldn't accept me as a transgender etc. (They even say bad things about them) Then there is my self-hate which makes that not much easier. Everyday "You are so dumb" "You don't have any reason to live" "You could support everybody with your suicide" So that all means that I can't live my own life and have no reason to live anymore. I could be happy if i went to a therapist and get hormones but everything is completely impossible! I thought about that for 6 Months but I can't find any solution and while that, my male characteristics grow and grow. I completely hate myself and my male is not only the main reason.

Suicide seems a good solution  even if i don't want to die. I am overwhelmed :(

 
 
 
 

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Jackie C.

Hello Tim! First of all, welcome to the site! Secondly, your English is better than my semester and a half of high school German... in the 1980's. I basically remember, "Ja, das ist Alois." I so hated Alois.

 

I see that you're fourteen. That's not an easy age for us. Honestly, puberty kind of sucks for us overall. Especially if you've got a lot of body dysphoria, which it sounds like you do. If your parents aren't supportive that's an extra layer of terrible. Fortunately, being a teenager isn't forever. It won't be long (I know it feels like a long time, but four years isn't do bad) before you're an adult and can make your own decisions and start moving towards your own goals.

 

In the meantime, friends are your lifeline. Assuming German schools have something like guidance counselors, that's another angle to consider. While your parents might not be supportive, you have other avenues to investigate to find support. There's also here. There might not be a lot we can do for you physically, but we're always happy to listen, share stories and offer encouragement.

 

So for now, planning. It would be difficult to get your hands on Estradiol at your age anyway. Most doctors, at least here in the US, won't let you have any until you're eighteen. Talk to the aforementioned friends and other supportive adults (relatives, school, youth counselors, whatever you've got, now is not the time to be picky) and figure out what you're going to need to transition to your satisfaction. Then be ready (or as ready as you can be) to make that happen on your schedule.

 

I'm not going to lie. Being trans is tough. However, with some support and hard work you can come out the other side as the person you want to be.

 

Hugs!

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Sarahnr1
35 minutes ago, Tim said:

HiThis is actually the first Topic on this forum so hi ^^ but I am completely lost. I do not have a good family, friends, a good life. Since 1 year (exactly since my starting of my puberty) I do not agree with my body. It destroys me everyday to be not a girl/women. These feelings and thoughts are in my mind everyday. Sorry when my English isn't that good but i am so tired of doing anything because its too much for me (That might be also Depressions but who cares about me lol). My Parents do not know my secret but they wouldn't accept me as a transgender etc. (They even say bad things about them) Then there is my self-hate which makes that not much easier. Everyday "You are so dumb" "You don't have any reason to live" "You could support everybody with your suicide" So that all means that I can't live my own life and have no reason to live anymore. I could be happy if i went to a therapist and get hormones but everything is completely impossible! I thought about that for 6 Months but I can't find any solution and while that, my male characteristics grow and grow. I completely hate myself and my male is not only the main reason.

Suicide seems a good solution  even if i don't want to die. I am overwhelmed :(

 
 
 
 

 

Hi there  first  warm wellcome  .

 

And  needles to say DONT  do it  its NOT  have not will not EVER  be the right or easy way  TRUST me on this.

 

Feel free to check my profile  and you will see  youre self  if  you think i know what im talking about  reg  this.

 

Its  not  uncommon  to get this  strong attacks  at youre age  and belive me i understand  how hard  they hit  . BUT you must also read  thurly when i say IT WILL calm down again  so  DONT listen to that evil voice inside   you trying to convince you suicde is  the right  thing  and youre worthless  anyway and  you would do youre world a favour  if you just ended  it here  and  now . BELIVE me i understand  as ive been there  MANY times  in life   and yet im still here.

 

You have takend  the  hardest step  in this  and that is come in here   and ask for help and  guidance and support   and you got  it   im RIGHT here  ready to listen (read  )   and  try my best to help as best i can  and belive me   i KNOW   how bad  you feel right now.  

 

NO dear  youre wrong  in that everything  is impossible (for now sadly yes it seems you might have to try to hang in there a few years more  until you get adult and can decide youre self  (you could perhaps  go to see a gender counselor BUT as far as i know both here as well as over there  youre NOT alowed to start  on HRT   until 18 and then ONLY if  youre deem fit bodily and mentally strong.  I understand  you feel that if  you only got  to start  this journey right now   things  would  be great   BUT sadly   its not that easy and there are  many steps  and hoops  you need to  get thru before  IF  this journey is to start .

 

Have you tried talking to youre parents  that you need to see a counselor   in general  (no need to bring up you feel you are TS  right now  )   ?   Thats step ONE   you need to  get youre  mind  together if you will ever  have a hope in geting approved for  HRT. Youre NOT alone  dear were all here  to help as best as we can so do  continue to talk to us   as this  is also what you need   and it will help you   on youre possible  future  road.                     

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Carolyn Marie

Hello, Tim.  I am sorry that you're feeling down and hopeless.  Listen, I understand how you feel, hon.  It is frustrating at times, and seems hopeless, but there is no reason for self-hate.  None.  We are all human, all of us have potential, all of us are capable of love, and there is always hope for a better future. 

 

You do need help and a chance to talk to a therapist.  You don't need to tell your parents about being transgender or your discomfort with your body.  Just tell them that you feel really depressed and anxious and want to talk to a therapist about how you feel.  If they care about you, and I'm sure they do, they will let you see a therapist.  There you can tell them how you really feel, and what's really bothering you, and work out plans for your future.  If you have a close friend or a sympathetic adult you can talk things over with, that would also be good.  You must reach out and talk to someone you trust. 

 

Even if you can't get resources right now to keep from going through puberty, the four years until you reach legal adulthood is not that long a time, and you can undo whatever effects that testosterone might do.  All you need to do is go on Youtube and find videos of young people who transitioned at 18 or 20 and became beautiful young women, happy women, who will live the rest of their lives as the person they were meant to be.  Those videos will give you hope that you can find success too.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Carolyn Marie

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Liam da potato

Hey

1st Welcome on Tpulse, you'll see everyone here is extremely helpful, when you feel bad, or good, they are always there for you, and I will as well!

2nd

Listen my potato, you REALLY shouldn't think too much about it, it destroys your brain!! Of course it is not easy, what I advice you if you can is listen to music but, not too sad. And then what you can do is listen EVERYTHING in it. EVERY instrument possible. Don't listen the music, concentrate on ONE instrument per listening of a song. That will help you to not think, it really help me whenever I am depressed. Also if you want to cry do it, don't do little cries, let it all out, let yourself go, after that you feel a bit better, it helped me put this heavy thing off of me for a short time, it's releaving.er.. (less heavy XD) 

 

3rd and listen to me potato, there is ALWAYS ONE PERSON WHO CARES FOR YOU at least if  you don't live in a desert and met no one in your whole life. Now you arrived here. We ALL care about you, even if we don't know you yet because it is your first post. Then, let us know you more, stay ALIVE!!You think that you "will support everybody if you die", WHAT ARE YOU TALKING BOUT!! (sr to write in capitals  it seems a bit aggressive, but depression will not win again!) but now you're here and we care for you, it will hurt us, if you're not here believe me I'll check everyday if there is a sign of you here! (if you don't post for a while thou I understand XD, when you feel down you sometimes want to avoid everything trans to think bout something else, that's what I sometimes do) But if you're not here for a too long time, and that it is obvious, we will all end up, sad! You can't do this!

I know you feel like you can't tell your parents about trans stuff then don't if you're not ready, but TELL THEM you feel that you should die! Also it depends bout the parents (if they are abusive, insulting you, or literally show you that they do not appreciate you then avoid it) I thought my parents were, mean, that they hated me, and that I was useless to them, ,thinking that if I died i could prove to them that I exist or just disappear of their life to help them, it DOESN'T, when they learnt I wanted to die, they were destroyed!

That would help no one!

Plus you have a whole life to live, not to suffer, to LIVE! Things change girl, believe me they do!

 

Really sorry if that seems mean or aggressive, but to me this kind of talk that made me realize even if people look like sht, that you have no friends that you get bullied, that your own family repeats you to kill yourself, there will always be at least 1 PERSON, that'll feel bad, and if you can't think of anyone, you can think of me...

 

Be strong ❤️

 

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Liam da potato

ALSO!

when someone is depressed they have normally the bad habit of ONLY thinking about the problem (here transgenderism) or dying, doing a fixation on what'll happen after I die?! or stuff like that or how should I die.

When we feel under depression, we often forget what is around us, watch some cute videos, with animals babies, stuff like that, funny too, and you'll remember that good stuff can happen too. And it doesn't mean it can only happen to others not you "cause you'll never be happy" or "you don't deserve it", if you live, there are 1000% that something good'll happen to you!

 

If you leave surrounded by nature go outside sit and listen it takes no effort just sit, you can sit there for ours and like with music listen ev-ry-sounds, than you won't think

 

Before sleeping if you can't even sleep, listen music by doin the same thing, then your brain will be tired because of this, not because of the problem.

 

It's ok Tim, lots of us went there, so we don't talk just to talk, we talk because we know and don't want someone else to feel the same. You are loved ❤️

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Liam da potato

Re: Also, you should try to care for urself. If we care about you should care about yourself as well. Stop worrying for others, and think for YOU!  What do you want to do in your future life what are your passions. If you know what job to do later, do everything to accomplish it, if you have a passion, do it, just, do it! Drawing saved my life, and your passion can save yours

now for real

 

be safe!<3

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Dinaki

Time dear, please be kind to yourself.

You have already met some good friends here, look what @Liam da potato said to you. Indeed, listen to some music that is not depressing, get out from the house a little, read a funny book. Do please protect yourself from that bad thought of yours.

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Alex C

Hey T

What up Girlfriend. Look everyone in the trans community has or is still going through some type of dys. I know top trans girl with perfect bodies that feel like you. Now your family that tough. I know Germany has a great health care sys. Maybe seek out a teacher or consular at your school you feel comfortable with and take it out.  In American at 17 you can kiss your parents good bye. I not sure what the German child laws are for self independence are, but find someone to talk to. Heck. I use to talk to my Grandmom and is being dead for over 30yrs.

Be safe, Be Proud and KICK ASS

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Tori M
4 hours ago, Sarahnr1 said:

DONT listen to that evil voice inside

 

This is the number one most important thing you can do right now.  That voice is wrong.  You already know this, that's why you posted here.  Tell it so, literally, aloud!  When you hear that voice, say, "I am not listening to you, you are wrong!" and physically get up, walk away and occupy yourself with something else.  If it comes back, say it again and move somewhere else.  Somehow the vocal rejection and the physical change of location helps.  It has worked for me when I had no other resource/solution.  You might feel a little silly but that doesn't matter because you are right and that voice is wrong.  Tell it to "Get lost!"  YOU control it!  Just taking control will help you feel better.

 

Number two, seek therapy.  We cannot emphasize this enough, which is why I'm repeating what the others have already said.  Tell your parents you are having problems with depressive thoughts and you want to see a doctor/therapist/counselor.  Then you can talk to the therapist privately about what is causing your problems.  From what you said, I would not tell your parents about feeling transgender.  If/when the time is right for that, your therapist/doctor can tell them.  They'll take it more seriously then.

 

While you cannot start hormones at your age (for valid medical reasons), a doctor might prescribe blockers to keep your natural growth in check until the time is right.  That will help you feel better.  You'll feel like YOU are in control, not that voice, not the self-doubt, not your parents or friends.

 

Don't try to fight this all on your own, honey.  It's hard to do all alone.  You need an understanding professional to talk to and I guarantee you will feel better.  Keep talking to us; we've been there and we're listening to you.

 

BIG HUGS❣️

Tori

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Mary Jane

Hey probably shouldn’t say anything because I’m feeling like trash again but I’ve somehow survived 8 years without help my advice is distractions that won’t end badly. If your life is anything like mine aka mostly bad life it’s how you’ll survive I recommend playing great video games the most because when you get into one you just think of the game but unless you’ve got great friends that’s going to play with you don’t play online multiplayer games too much

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KayC
18 hours ago, Tim said:

I am overwhelmed

Hi Tim

Thank you! for reaching out on this Forum and expressing your honest feelings.  That is a sign of strength and courage.

I agree with @Carolyn Marie's and @Tori M 's recommendation to let your parents know you feel you need therapy.  You don't have to give them a reason other than to express how troubling your anxiety and depression is.  You need to be healthy to make progress.

Also please know that most everybody (trans or cis) struggles with teen puberty issues.  Is just a fact of our human biology and hormones can cause a tsunami of anxiety .. specially when those hormones are counter to your gender identity  ...  The good news is if you can get therapy now it creates the best chance for an even brighter future for you. 

Please reach out for whatever support you need❣️

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Charlize

 I hope you will speak up at school or to your parents and ask for help with depression.  You do not have to say why.  Simply finding an adult who you can speak to honestly and openly can help.

When i was young i had to hide.  Over the years i was only rarely able to express myself.  Even so life has been a blessing and today i am free to be me.  

Please do what you can now but know that time will open the doors to your needs and desires.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Liam da potato
2 hours ago, Charlize said:

When i was young i had to hide.  Over the years i was only rarely able to express myself.  Even so life has been a blessing and today i am free to be me.  

I agree, in the beginning you feel like you can't do anything to make your life better, but, you'll see that it will be better ^^

 

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lewlew

Hi.

 

Firstly, I am sorry for what is going on. I know you probably don't care for sympathy but I shall give it because this sounds awfully familiar. 

 

I get some of what you speak about...really I do. Whilst at uni, I developed a nasty shade of self hatred (probably because of everything I was feeling vs who I was) but one way I found that helped (aside from therapy) was accepting what is and trying to change what you can. Accept what you can and change what you would like to. This doesn't come easily and I am still working my way through it. 

 

Life is worth it. It really is but then maybe my life doesn't compare directly to yours. When I was a teenager, I went through some dark times mentally but find a goal, find an interest or a hobby or a focus and work towards that. It doesn't come easily and there are awful days where you can't stand who you are or part of yourself or everything about yourself but there are also they good days and the fab moments. 

 

Key thing is really to try and talk to people. I once thought I could take life's punches on my own but I can't. We are good on our own but better with other people around us. 

 

I am here if you want to chat in more depth but keep going. You can do it. 

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Mary Jane
On 7/6/2020 at 11:20 AM, lewlew said:

We are good on our own but better with other people around us.

So true but if you don’t have anyone that’s good enough find ways to survive because life does challenge you yet it’s possible to survive or live life with little or no help

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