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Memories that both Terrify & Thrill

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Can't find the rules to reread and do not wish to violate any but I do truly need to share this.


When I was maybe 12 years old, my grandparents (who were my adopted parents) and I vacationed as we often did at a swanky resort in New Hampshire. At the pool one day I watched the blonde haired, teenaged boy who ran the snack bar climbing the ladder out of the pool as I stood at the top of the little ladder. His baggy suit was plastered to him and as if responding to some involuntary urge, I reached out and grabbed him. 

"What's this?", I asked with a smile.

He sure seemed upset at what I'd done and scolded me.

Now there is a gaping hole in my memory. However, in no time we seemed to be getting along. The snack bar that he ran was poolside and rather than swim, I would spend time hanging out at the counter and we would talk and joke. 

Late one afternoon, he asked if I'd like to go for a drive. I said that I'd have to ask my folks and doubted they'd let me, though I thrilled at the prospect. Amazingly, they were okay with it!

I sat beside him as he whipped along the windy mountain road. He would turn and glance at me with a funny, leer and talk about his demon driving. At some point, he pulled off on the shoulder and sat back to chat. He brought up the time that I had grabbed him. Nervously, I reminded him that I'd apologized and he dismissed that quite calmly. He asked why I'd done it and only now could I answer the question: for the first time in my young life something had so very much turned me on. He asked if I'd like to see it and then unfastened his pants. He invited me to grab him again and to this day I can still feel that in my hand. 

I so vividly recall apologizing for my mouth being so small and him kindly replying that it was okay. 

Here the memories become quite spotty.

I continued spending much time with him. One night I rushed back into our room and bolted to the bathroom to wash my hands. My grandmother asked what that was all about and I simply said that I needed to go. Coming out of the bathroom, she remarked that I hadn't flushed and the water was clean. She wanted to know what was going on and she looked serious.

Here, the memory gets super fuzzy. I remember my grandparents/parents and I walking the grounds and on seeing him my grandmother glared and he looked away and dropped his head.

There's more, but the thing is this whole memory only came to light a couple of years ago in therapy and remains incomplete. However, I wonder "Why"? Why did a little boy like me get him to respond that way? Why did my grandparents let me go on that drive as it was so unlike them? And lastly, why does the memory both fill my stomach with a cyclone of feral butterflies and at the sane time excite me so?

And the thing is, I keep thinking: If I could travel back in time and relive that episode knowing what I do now. . .


If I broke any rules while explaining this, I apologize in advance.


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Hi Chrsalis

I do not know if this will help.  On Friday when I was talking to my psychiatrist I asked him why I had so many gaps in my memory from when I was very little.  He suggested that this could be caused by traumatic event or events.  So maybe your memory is being suppressed by something along those lines.  This is just a thought It probably does not help but it is all I have at the moment.

Wish you well


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Hi Chrysalis! (love your name!  just waiting for the beautiful butterfly to emerge 🦋)
I think that is the benefit of therapy.  To be able to freely open up and discuss with a listener that is there to help without judgement is liberating and the start of both healing and self-discovery.

My first ever therapy sessions start soon.  And while I don't think I have any suppressed memory issues (... or then again, maybe I do?  how would I know?) I am looking forward to finally bringing some long hidden events and memories out into the light.  I know now its the only way to move forward.

I hope you have been able to continue therapy and you find much love, support and encouragement on this Forum❣️

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On 7/5/2020 at 12:15 AM, KayC said:

Hi Chrysalis! (love your name!  just waiting for the beautiful butterfly to emerge 🦋)
I think that is the benefit of therapy.  To be able to freely open up and discuss with a listener that is there to help without judgement is liberating and the start of both healing and self-discovery.

My first ever therapy sessions start soon.  And while I don't think I have any suppressed memory issues (... or then again, maybe I do?  how would I know?) I am looking forward to finally bringing some long hidden events and memories out into the light.  I know now its the only way to move forward.

I hope you have been able to continue therapy and you find much love, support and encouragement on this Forum❣️

My therapy does continue despite the whole Isolation Nation thing. I meet with my wonderful therapist once a week on Zoom and marvel at how the sci-fi wonders portrayed on t.v. and films in my childhood now allow us to stay in touch on screens, with sound and in living color, from home. And the butterfly that inside continues to emerge! Thanx!! 

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