Waiting for therapy

[cybreraphael]

A lot of people ascribe therapy and ending therapy to relationships and breakups. Since living in my current location I've switched therapists about 3 times, once because she got a better job, and twice because the therapists simply made assumptions and did not want to understand me. That's at least how I viewed it.

 

I've been in and out of therapy for years, since I was 13 (I'm 24 now) and most of the time I would leave therapists due to me moving away. But when I was an adult and was (am) still living with my (frankly) abusive mother and my gender identity came into the mix is when I began to see therapist become more and more difficult with me. I once had a particularly horrible experience with a therapist who was pressuring me to tell her all the details of my plans for transition before I was ever comfortable talking to her about any of that (because she had told me I was damaging my body for safely binding with a gc2b binder) and when I told her she just won't understand anything about me being trans-nonbinary because she is cis and how she's reacting to me simply receiving a binder and how happy I was about the binder and that we should just talk about something else, she wanted to force me to talk about it because she "has trans clients and all of them are comfortable talking about it" and I'm being difficult.

 

Needless to say that whole session was traumatizing. Afterwards it was hard to really trust a therapist with my gender identity, but then I got the therapist who got the better job who was very affirming. I had her for almost a year, but she didn't do much. Because I have schizoaffective depressive type and some PTSD, they focus on that and when I talk (mostly positive or neutral) things about my gender identity, they sort of dismiss it or question it so much it gets frustrating for me because its like LGBTQ+ Awareness 101 that I feel every therapist office should have, but I know not every place will have funding for.

 

The second to last therapist I had, when I decided to leave her because she was making too many assumptions and trying to take too much control over therapy that I felt I had no say over my own therapy, said that me switching therapists was "a trend" when she didn't even know me. She was just mad that was leaving her. She also said she would move me to a male therapist because "a man would put me in my place"

 

And the last therapist? I left him because he also made too many assumptions even though I told him that was the one thing I hate! He would tell me to do things that would put me in danger with my abusive mother, and when I wouldn't do it he would get mad at me! When I would talk to him about my gender identity it was almost as if it wasn't real to him. Like it was "valid" but not real. When I would tell him good things that happened in my day about my gender affirmation, he would brush it off and be like "ok but what's bad about your day?" Not really holding space for good things in my life.

 

So I took a break for about 3 months and now I just had an appointment to get a referral to an outside of my typical clinic therapist. But I'm very very afraid. I mentioned in the assessment that I want an LGBTQ+ friendly therapist and the doctor who assessed me, my primary care doctor, was like "k" and I'm not sure if she really noted that or not. I'm losing faith in therapy but it's really the only thing keeping me stable while I live with my toxic family. I'm not even sure if I'll get a therapist before I move across the country. I just want someone who will understand me and not judge me or shut me up. I've met too many bad therapist and I feel like if I meet one more I'm never doing therapy ever again and I'm just gonna internalize my trauma forever.

 

I don't know what the goal of this post was. Are there good therapists? I feel my hope fleeing...

[tracy_j]

It doesn't sound like good experiences. A good therapist can adjust their approach to compensate for the different people they see. Even so, it does help if the person they are seeing works toward both therapist and client getting to a working relationship. My fear is that you are expecting the worst before even seeing them. It is difficult for me to put into words but there needs to be trust and at some point you both will need to learn to trust. Just try to avoid confrontation, working around it to get to understand each other. In a way it is not really telling the therapist, more like discussing with them. Perhaps more ' I feel ..... . ' rather than the more blunt 'I am ..... .'  if you get my meaning. Keep talking to exchange your feelings without raised voices blocking communication. Therapy is a two way process getting to understanding. I hope things go well.

 

Good luck!

 

Tracy

[SaraAW]

I have some good success with my therapist. She has told me to do anything. She asks me lots of questions to get me to think and look into myself for the answers, she gives me tools to work on for resilience and coping, but never tells me I have to use them, just here are some tools and tricks, try them if you want. If I do and they don’t work she provides me with different ones to try. 

I feel in a way, I lead my sessions, she just provides some guidance to help me get where I want to go. I decide what we talk about each session, if I’m stuck, she throws a bunch of suggestions out, based on previous sessions and let’s me decide. 
 

If after a couple sessions, you don’t feel a rapport building, I don’t see why you shouldn’t move on. We don’t click with everyone we meet, why should it be any different with a therapist. I got lucky with my therapist, found her on the first try, but I have changed GPs many times over the years, to make sure I had one I could be fully open with and that they seemed to truly care about my well being.  

[KayC]

5 hours ago, cybreraphael said:

I just want someone who will understand me and not judge me or shut me up.

Hi cybreraphael!  Sorry to hear about your experiences with therapists.  I do think not being judged (or appearing to be judged) would be an essential requirement for me to trust and communicate with my therapist.

I am actually waiting (hopefully this week) for my very first (ever) therapy session, so I have not even met my therapist yet. 
I was given an opportunity for my first choice of available therapists and I did chose the one (woman) who is part of the LGBTQ+ community and had the most experience in this area.  Another important criteria, as you have also requested.

 

I will try to follow up on this thread and let you know how it goes after my first few sessions.

 

I think you have some other good suggestions and experiences here from @tracy_j and @SaraAW --  I think eventually you will find the right match.  So, don't give up❣️