Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Coming out MtF in a 44 year marriage.


Mmindy

Recommended Posts

  • Forum Moderator

Good Monday Morning I hope everyone had a good 4th of July Independence Day Weekend.

For those outside of the USA, I still hope you had a good weekend. As many of you know I came out to my wife as male to female transgender in May 2020.

To say it didn't go well is a huge understatement. In a raging fit of anger, she screamed at me for 30 to 40 minutes saying I was dead to her for ruining her life. She immediately drove to my son's house and call my daughter outing me to our grown children and their spouses. After that she said I would have to move out and find another place to live. Knowing how bad that ends up in a divorce I told her I would not give up my domicile in this house. If she was going to divorce me, it would be like the move "War of the Roses" and she would have to put tape on the floor of the areas she called hers.

 

Since then she has been all over the spectrum of love and hate, with some really strong moments of hate and anger towards me, and the transgender community. She said I caused her to question her support for the #LGBTQ community pointing out her bigoted feeling. I have a lesbian cousin Vic, who has been out to the family for 43 years and in a monogamous relationship with Nancy. We have Gay friends who she also supports. When my niece was disowned by my sister and thrown out of the house we supported her, all the time my wife claimed to love and support the #LGBTQ community. My son supports me but doesn't want to see me dressed as a flaming drag queen. My daughter hugged me and asked what pronouns I wanted to use. When my wife (Suzie) realized that our kids supported me although on different levels she again accused me of dumping my secrets on her and ruining her life. I told her that when I came out I was laying my heart on the table of honesty and hoped she would help me with my long overdue issues. She stomped on my heart and continued to ebb and flow from love to hate. This past week was a particularly hate filled because she was on vacation and didn't have to worry about how long she was mad at me. She wanted to cancel all of our Summer and Fall plans as well as our joint retirement programs.

 

Well yesterday we watched the movie "Rocket Man" the Elton John story. She was quiet afterwards and asked if I would join her grocery shopping for the next week, our cupboards were very bare. As we walked through the health and beauty isle she asked if there was anything I needed? I replied toothpaste, leave in conditioner, and body lotion. She quickly asked what fragrance? In my head I though she was setting me up! What should I answer? I said, I'm not ready for a particular fragrance just yet, but when I am it's Lavender or Lilac.  When we got home and started putting away the groceries, she burst into tears, balling like I've only seen her do for the death of a loved one. I held her and when she was able to talk she looked at me and said. I'm sorry for being so mean to you over the last couple of months, and I hope we can find a couples counselor who can help us work through this tough time you're having. I said it wasn't just me having a tough time, we're having a tough time. We're both having to deal with a transition because it is affecting us both. We will get through this together.

 

I'm back in the love, safe, and sound.

 

Hugs to all,

 

Mmindy???

Link to comment

I’m glad to hear that your wife said that and that she is willing to work with you that is awesome!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Thank you @Emily michelle we still have a long road ahead of us, but at least it looks like we'll walk it together.

 

Mindy???

Link to comment
27 minutes ago, Mmindy said:

Thank you @Emily michelle we still have a long road ahead of us, but at least it looks like we'll walk it together.

 

Mindy???

It will be long and hard but maybe you can continue to grow as a couple.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Mmindy

What an internal change your wife must have experienced when she watched that movie. My wife and I saw it a few months ago and it brought us to tears so I can only imagine the impact on your wife. She may have finally saw the pain and hurt you’ve likely endured through your life through new eyes as was shown in the movie. Maybe this movie finally brought your wife out of that 3rd stage of the 7 stages of grief...”anger”. Realizing that she may have said some things that were purely based on that stage of emotion and not her true love for you can help begin healing from some of what may have been said to you. Even if you think her words bounced off you and had no effect...be prepared and know that she was in lashing out purely as a defense mechanism. We sometimes try to hurt the ones we love this most in times of hurt. I hope you two can continue to work together in this and get through to the end of these stages. Communication and love can overcome so much.

I wish you both the very best!

 

Hugs,

Susan R?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Good afternoon @Mmindy! I don't have a lot to add besides congratulations! I hope that you and your wife can continue to work things out going forward.

 

As a total aside, I'm wearing lavender today. I prefer vanilla, but they were out when I needed to restock.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Susan R said:

I hope you two can continue to work together in this and get through to the end of these stages. Communication and love can overcome so much.

I wish you both the very best!

Susan, she did hurt me, and called my tears selfish crocodile tears, only thinking of myself when I dumped on her. It did hurt, and I was able to vent that pain through weekly counseling. I knew in my heart that she was going through the stages of  grief, and would eventually see where I was. I just hoped it would before she pulled the trigger on our divorce, something neither of us could afford. We need each other to see our dreams of retirement to come through. I told her that we should expect other times of grief and disagreement, but as a loving couple, we will talk them out not, fight them out. One of her biggest complaints about me has always been my failure to stand up to her rage or anger during a dispute. I would always say, "Hey if it's that important for you to get this mad, then lets do it your way and see." I always reserve the right to say, "Told You So." I've always been a soft spoken person when I'm mad or angry. You'll know when I'm about to kick some ass. I'll whisper to you that I'm ready to go to jail. I won't sneak up on you, because I want you to see it coming.

 

I'm glad those rough and tumble days are behind me, and I can be the gentle person I always wanted to be.

 

Love you all,

 

Mindy???

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
29 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

As a total aside, I'm wearing lavender today.

Jackie, thank you for being here when I needed it. Suzie and I will work through this. Last week she screamed that she was not going to pay a shrink to convince her that she had to accept my being a woman. This morning she asked me to set up couples counseling for us to work through.

 

Hugs & Love,

 

Mindy???

Link to comment
21 hours ago, Mmindy said:

We're both having to deal with a transition because it is affecting us both. We will get through this together.

Hi Mindy.  I know I've told you before your situation with your wife is very much like mine, so I am encouraged as it seems your are making progress.  Slowly but surely.

Like you I don't think I've ever raised my voice in anger directed at my wife, but this situation has put me on the receiving end more than once.  And like you, I know its just her process of dealing with it .. but every time it puts us both in a tailspin. 

The last two times were recently when I was discussing therapy for me .. well, I finally got my first therapy appointment (this Friday).  I'm so happy about it, but I don't want to tell my wife for fear of her reaction again.  But, I know I need to tell her (maybe the day before, so she doesn't have time to stew about it).  Will let you know how it goes.  Even reluctant approval will be awesome.

Thank you for sharing ... a shared experience.  Its very helpful.  Always wishing you and your wife the best❣️

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Mindy, when i started to open to my wife we went through many of the same ups and downs.  I know how painful that is for both of you.  I tried to remember that i had known and hidden my issues for years.  I'm quite sure she would have not accepted or stayed with me if she had known early in our relationship.  I had been too ashamed and fearful to be honest. When after 40 years together i came out we went through some very rough times, very like what you describe. Time ,patience, honesty, understanding slowly got us through.  For a long time she didn't want to be out with me. "What if people....." was a fear for her.  Little by little we found our companionship and love grow,  We have now been married 49 years and perhaps now that honesty, forgiveness and trust have grown our love has grown as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello @Mmindy I'm sorry to read of all you've gone through but sometimes we must go through a "trial by fire" in order to survive.  I came out to my spouse after 40 years of marriage and we had a rough patch as well.  But things are much better now and we are both more understanding of each of our needs.  I wish you all my best.  Please keep the lines of communication open.

 

Hugs, Jani

Link to comment

Hi All. My gender therapist sent this to me. It kind of gives a little different perspective on coming out. I really liked it.

 

.0.thumb.jpg.1cc15f8dc5d1386e57afcef97cdb410d.jpg

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I like that perspective!  Much more positive! 

Jani

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I love this idea....

Link to comment

That's excellent, Patti, thanks for sharing it!  I've never liked the phrase "coming out"... indeed, when I tell someone it feels much more like "letting them in".

Link to comment

Mmindy at least she’s trying. My Ex didn’t know about Tessa until after we divorced. I still don’t know why she hates me so much. She refused counseling and that led up to a horrific battle that cost me my children for a year and coming back from that was incredibly hard! We only had 13 years in. 
 

Your wife must love you to want to work things out! Sounds like a miracle story to me! 
 

Keep talking and the fact that she let you hold her shows she still wants your love. My wife gave up all physical attention and would refuse me. I couldn’t touch her. There’s hope to save your marriage! 

Stay the course. If you love each other than love will find a way! 
 

Hugs and kisses?

 

Tessa 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
On 7/7/2020 at 7:49 AM, KayC said:

I know I've told you before your situation with your wife is very much like mine, so I am encouraged as it seems your are making progress.  Slowly but surely.

KayC,

 

Thank you for the kind words, and yes we both seam to be on parallel tracks. This points out that the struggle isn't made up or fabricated, because people from around the world are going through the same thing. While we're separated by an Ocean and half a Continent never really meeting our hearts and minds are connected.

 

Hugs and best wishes as you continue forward with your relationship, and therapy.

 

Mindy???

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
On 7/7/2020 at 8:42 AM, Charlize said:

We have now been married 49 years and perhaps now that honesty, forgiveness and trust have grown our love has grown as well

Charlize, thank you for the words of encouragement. I hope we can see this through and follow in your footsteps to a long relationship.

 

Congratulations on your 49 years married.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
On 7/7/2020 at 9:07 AM, Jani said:

"trial by fire"

Thank you Jani,

 

The fire was like a pyroclastic flow rushing down Mount Vesuvius. In our 44 years of marriage I've pissed Suzie off once or twice and I've seen her rage before. This past month topped them all on a scale of 0 to 10 she was volcano like off the scale. We're doing well this week and I do hope and pray we'll survive this together as a couple.

 

Best wishes,

 

Mindy???

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
On 7/7/2020 at 9:09 AM, Patti Anne said:

different perspective on coming out.

Thank you Patti Anne,

 

I love that different perspective.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
On 7/7/2020 at 10:33 AM, Tori M said:

"letting them in".

I'm with you Tori,

 

This new perspective will change my approach as I expand the close people I invite to my expanding life.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
On 7/7/2020 at 1:56 PM, Tessa said:

Stay the course. If you love each other than love will find a way!

Tessa, my best friend went through an evil divorce like you described. My wife and I thing he's one of the kindest men on the planet and yet his first wife (The Evil One) as he calls her just eat him and his business up, leaving him nearly destitute. He's a confirmed bachelor with a lady friend who lets him mow the grass so to speak. She introduced him to her family as the Pool/Lawn Boy.

 

Hugs and positive thoughts your way,

 

Mindy???

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

thank you for your,thank words and you are 100% correct about how many of us frim all around the world share a common issue and through this wonderful website we can,cheer on, cheer up, confide and,supply mental hugs that mean so much. hope your day is going qell sister.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
3 hours ago, Shay said:

we can,cheer on, cheer up, confide and,supply mental hugs that mean so much. hope your day is going qell sister.

Yes Shay, we can and should.

Our struggle is enough without having to worry about the Cat Fighting on other Social Media Platforms.

Everyone I've encountered here has been respectful and helpful.

 

I want to >HUG< everyone here,

 

Mindy???

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Mindy, When I first came out to my she seemed to almost laugh it off. It was I know since I use female avatars in my games. Then last Halloween was the first time I have gone out as female. Everything was great until I got home. both my wife of 34 years and my 22 yr old son went at me. She says she will let me transition but she will divorce me. Says she married a man. I take it as she married a man not me.

Lately every thing has been back to normal, like before I came out. I am transitioning ever so slowly. One day I will not be able to hide it anymore. I still hope that her love for me trumps her hatred for me. So, I totally know what you are going through. Hoping everything still works out for you both.

 

I feel that I am needing to be the one who leaves. I have been looking for positions out of state. Nothing yet. There is no way in Hell I could live here and not be with her. My love is that strong towards her. Yet she could not see loving me as Kymmie.

 

Kymmie

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 95 Guests (See full list)

    • Stefi
    • Carolyn Marie
    • VickySGV
    • Evelyn J
    • MaybeRob
    • EasyE
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,024
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alscully
      Alscully
      (35 years old)
    2. floruisse
      floruisse
      (40 years old)
    3. Jasmine25
      Jasmine25
      (22 years old)
    4. Trev0rK
      Trev0rK
      (26 years old)
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-news/hundreds-athletes-urge-ncaa-not-ban-trans-athletes-womens-sports-rcna149033     Carolyn Marie
    • KymmieL
      Well first day is over and now getting ready for bed soon. Work was OK.   Don't know why but I am feeling down. I am heading to bed. Good Night.   Kymmie
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I our time at my place.Both admit our sex life is good,got intimate for the 2nd time and he is good at it
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  I will look those up in the document, hopefully tomorrow.   I always look at the source on stuff like this, not what someone, particularly those adversarial, have to say. 
    • MaeBe
      LGBTQ rights Project 2025 takes extreme positions against LGBTQ rights, seeking to eliminate federal protections for queer people and pursue research into conversion therapies in order to encourage gender and sexuality conformity. The policy book also lays out plans to criminalize being transgender and prohibit federal programs from supporting queer people through various policies. The project partnered with anti-LGBTQ groups the Family Policy Alliance, the Center for Family and Human Rights, and the Family Research Council. Project 2025 calls for the next secretary of Health and Human Services to “immediately put an end to the department’s foray into woke transgender activism,” which includes removing terms related to gender and sexual identity from “every federal rule, agency regulation, contract, grant, regulation, and piece of legislation that exists.” The Trump administration proposed a similar idea in 2018 that would have resulted in trans people losing protections under anti-discrimination laws. [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023; The New Republic, 2/8/24] Similarly, the policy book calls for HHS to stop all research related to gender identity unless the purpose is conformity to one's sex assigned at birth. The New Republic explains: “That is, research on gender-nonconforming children and teenagers should be funded by the government, but only for the purpose of studying what will make them conform, such as denying them gender-affirming care and instead trying to change their identities through ‘counseling,’ which is a form of conversion therapy.” [The New Republic, 2/8/24] The policy book’s foreword by Kevin Roberts describes “the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children” as “pornography” that “should be outlawed,” adding, “The people who produce and distribute it should be imprisoned.” Roberts also says that “educators and public librarians who purvey it should be classed as registered sex offenders. And telecommunications and technology firms that facilitate its spread should be shuttered.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023] Roberts’ foreword states that “allowing parents or physicians to ‘reassign’ the sex of a minor is child abuse and must end.” Echoing ongoing right-wing attacks on trans athletes, Roberts also claims, “Bureaucrats at the Department of Justice force school districts to undermine girls’ sports and parents’ rights to satisfy transgender extremists.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023; TIME magazine, 5/16/22] Dame Magazine reports that Project 2025 plans to use the Department of Justice to crack down on states that “do not charge LGBTQ people and their allies with crimes under the pretense that they are breaking federal and state laws against exposing minors to pornography.” [Dame Magazine, 8/14/23] Project 2025 also calls for the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services to repeat “its 2016 decision that CMS could not issue a National Coverage Determination (NCD) regarding ‘gender reassignment surgery’ for Medicare beneficiaries.” The policy book’s HHS chapter continues: “In doing so, CMS should acknowledge the growing body of evidence that such interventions are dangerous and acknowledge that there is insufficient scientific evidence to support such coverage in state plans.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023] Going further, Project 2025 also demands that the next GOP administration “reverse policies that allow transgender individuals to serve in the military.” The policy book’s chapter on the Defense Department claims: “Gender dysphoria is incompatible with the demands of military service, and the use of public monies for transgender surgeries … for servicemembers should be ended.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023]   …summaries of what’s within the rest of the document re: LGBTQ+ concerns. A person can believe their gender is fixed but incongruent with their physiology, but the authors and Trump (by his own words) just see the incongruity of an “expressed gender” that conflicts with what was/is in a person’s pants.
    • Mmindy
      Good catch… I took care of it.
    • Sally Stone
      I'm tired of the two-party system.  It has degraded to a system where there are only two diametrically opposed views, neither of which supports me.  I have conservative views regarding big government and government spending but I have very liberal views when it comes to protecting the rights of individuals.  And just elections of the past, I am stuck with two choices, neither of which I support. With only two parties, each with agendas that are off the left and right scales, I am not adequately represented.    Finally, I'm okay with party affiliated politicians running for office using their party views, but once elected to office, they are obligated to support the entire electorate not just the electorate members that voted for them.  Plain and simple, our government system is broken and dysfunctional.  I'll step down from my soapbox now.     
    • Sally Stone
      Thanks Mae.  She was an amazing friend and I grew to love her like a sister.
    • Sally Stone
      I did Ashley.  Non-rev travel was one of the major factors for taking the job.  At the time, US Airways had the best non-rev policy in the industry.  It cost $10 to fly coach and $25 to fly first class.  We flew first class whenever there were seats available.  
    • Abigail Genevieve
      You should have a moderator fix what you meant to write as "birth certificate".  Ooops.   I've gone over that verse and am wholly and completely dissatisfied with the SBC exegesis of it, so much so that it was one of the things that helped me break out of a mindset of guit.  Sometime I may strut by stuff as a Hebraist and show what it really means.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I found this   — 450 — Mandate for Leadership: The Conservative Promise Goal #1: Protecting Life, Conscience, and Bodily Integrity. The Secretary should pursue a robust agenda to protect the fundamental right to life, protect con- science rights, and uphold bodily integrity rooted in biological realities, not ideology. From the moment of conception, every human being possesses inherent dignity and worth, and our humanity does not depend on our age, stage of development, race, or abilities. The Secretary must ensure that all HHS programs and activities are rooted in a deep respect for innocent human life from day one until natural death: Abortion and euthanasia are not health care. A robust respect for the sacred rights of conscience, both at HHS and among gov- ernments and institutions funded by it, increases choices for patients and program beneficiaries and furthers pluralism and tolerance. The Secretary must protect Americans’ civil rights by ensuring that HHS programs and activities follow the letter and spirit of religious freedom and conscience-protection laws. Radical actors inside and outside government are promoting harmful identity politics that replaces biological sex with subjective notions of “gender identity” and bases a person’s worth on his or her race, sex, or other identities. This destructive dogma, under the guise of “equity,” threatens American’s fundamental liberties as well as the health and well-being of children and adults alike. The next Secretary must ensure that HHS programs protect children’s minds and bodies and that HHS programs respect parents’ basic right to direct the upbringing, education, and care of their children.   https://static.project2025.org/2025_MandateForLeadership_CHAPTER-14.pdf   First, that is not much, if that is all that is of concern.  Secondly, I have seen all sorts of anti-Trump slander, including the Steele dossier and the lawfare he is now undergoing, to be cynical of any criticism against him, and indirectly this document.    He deserves some of what he is getting, but not all.  Thirdly, I bolded one statement of concern.   I don't think gender identity is subjective.  "Radical actors" is name calling, and there is a lot of that going around.  Maybe I am not seeing everything of concern or reading this right, but i would discuss with the author of this document concerning this.
    • Willow
      Good evening   well I finally finished reading my textbook.  Yeah.  But I still have a lot more to go for the class.     My endocrinologist always asks me about lactation.  And yes I have had some very small amounts of leakage but not on any regular basis.  I figure I blocked the discharge Duce when I pierced my nipples with scare tissue.  But who knows.  I also get asked about mammograms.  I e had my first or baseline and this fall I will need to schedule my second.   As someone in the midst of studying the Old Testament, I can say that I haven’t found any mention of pending damnation for being transgender or intersex.  The closest it comes is a verse that says men should not wear women’s clothing.  Now I don’t know each and everyone’s particulars, but I know I meet the medical definition of female gender, and even in Ohio, a State that until recently refused to allow birth certificates to be changed, I meet the criteria.  Therefore I can only conclude I am not a man wearing women’s clothing.  But there is a somewhat different scholarly explanation of that law that it should not be taken as literally as the haters want.  Mostly men should not pretend to be women to ex ape from their enemies. Or tried to hide from God.     willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Well, the left wing has been doing that.    I read a few things while trying to find out what the problem is and liked what I read.  But I am a conservative.    Is there something specific in there that is of concern?  Does it promise somewhere to erase trans folk? That would be problematic.
    • Ivy
      It's a plan to basically completely take over the government by the right wing.
    • Ivy
      I'm actually in Asheville tonight.  Some of the people in the support group invited me for dinner after the meeting.  We're going to get together again tomorrow again. It's been nice, 4 trans women and 1 trans man, together ar a restaurant.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...