Coming out MtF in a 44 year marriage.

[Mmindy]

Good Monday Morning I hope everyone had a good 4th of July Independence Day Weekend.

For those outside of the USA, I still hope you had a good weekend. As many of you know I came out to my wife as male to female transgender in May 2020.

To say it didn't go well is a huge understatement. In a raging fit of anger, she screamed at me for 30 to 40 minutes saying I was dead to her for ruining her life. She immediately drove to my son's house and call my daughter outing me to our grown children and their spouses. After that she said I would have to move out and find another place to live. Knowing how bad that ends up in a divorce I told her I would not give up my domicile in this house. If she was going to divorce me, it would be like the move "War of the Roses" and she would have to put tape on the floor of the areas she called hers.

 

Since then she has been all over the spectrum of love and hate, with some really strong moments of hate and anger towards me, and the transgender community. She said I caused her to question her support for the #LGBTQ community pointing out her bigoted feeling. I have a lesbian cousin Vic, who has been out to the family for 43 years and in a monogamous relationship with Nancy. We have Gay friends who she also supports. When my niece was disowned by my sister and thrown out of the house we supported her, all the time my wife claimed to love and support the #LGBTQ community. My son supports me but doesn't want to see me dressed as a flaming drag queen. My daughter hugged me and asked what pronouns I wanted to use. When my wife (Suzie) realized that our kids supported me although on different levels she again accused me of dumping my secrets on her and ruining her life. I told her that when I came out I was laying my heart on the table of honesty and hoped she would help me with my long overdue issues. She stomped on my heart and continued to ebb and flow from love to hate. This past week was a particularly hate filled because she was on vacation and didn't have to worry about how long she was mad at me. She wanted to cancel all of our Summer and Fall plans as well as our joint retirement programs.

 

Well yesterday we watched the movie "Rocket Man" the Elton John story. She was quiet afterwards and asked if I would join her grocery shopping for the next week, our cupboards were very bare. As we walked through the health and beauty isle she asked if there was anything I needed? I replied toothpaste, leave in conditioner, and body lotion. She quickly asked what fragrance? In my head I though she was setting me up! What should I answer? I said, I'm not ready for a particular fragrance just yet, but when I am it's Lavender or Lilac.  When we got home and started putting away the groceries, she burst into tears, balling like I've only seen her do for the death of a loved one. I held her and when she was able to talk she looked at me and said. I'm sorry for being so mean to you over the last couple of months, and I hope we can find a couples counselor who can help us work through this tough time you're having. I said it wasn't just me having a tough time, we're having a tough time. We're both having to deal with a transition because it is affecting us both. We will get through this together.

 

I'm back in the love, safe, and sound.

 

Hugs to all,

 

Mmindy???

[Emily michelle]

I’m glad to hear that your wife said that and that she is willing to work with you that is awesome!

[Mmindy]

Thank you @Emily michelle we still have a long road ahead of us, but at least it looks like we'll walk it together.

 

Mindy???

[Emily michelle]

27 minutes ago, Mmindy said:

Thank you @Emily michelle we still have a long road ahead of us, but at least it looks like we'll walk it together.

 

Mindy???

It will be long and hard but maybe you can continue to grow as a couple.

[Susan R]

@Mmindy

What an internal change your wife must have experienced when she watched that movie. My wife and I saw it a few months ago and it brought us to tears so I can only imagine the impact on your wife. She may have finally saw the pain and hurt you’ve likely endured through your life through new eyes as was shown in the movie. Maybe this movie finally brought your wife out of that 3rd stage of the 7 stages of grief...”anger”. Realizing that she may have said some things that were purely based on that stage of emotion and not her true love for you can help begin healing from some of what may have been said to you. Even if you think her words bounced off you and had no effect...be prepared and know that she was in lashing out purely as a defense mechanism. We sometimes try to hurt the ones we love this most in times of hurt. I hope you two can continue to work together in this and get through to the end of these stages. Communication and love can overcome so much.

I wish you both the very best!

 

Hugs,

Susan R?

[Jackie C.]

Good afternoon @Mmindy! I don't have a lot to add besides congratulations! I hope that you and your wife can continue to work things out going forward.

 

As a total aside, I'm wearing lavender today. I prefer vanilla, but they were out when I needed to restock.

 

Hugs!

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Susan R said:

I hope you two can continue to work together in this and get through to the end of these stages. Communication and love can overcome so much.

I wish you both the very best!

Susan, she did hurt me, and called my tears selfish crocodile tears, only thinking of myself when I dumped on her. It did hurt, and I was able to vent that pain through weekly counseling. I knew in my heart that she was going through the stages of  grief, and would eventually see where I was. I just hoped it would before she pulled the trigger on our divorce, something neither of us could afford. We need each other to see our dreams of retirement to come through. I told her that we should expect other times of grief and disagreement, but as a loving couple, we will talk them out not, fight them out. One of her biggest complaints about me has always been my failure to stand up to her rage or anger during a dispute. I would always say, "Hey if it's that important for you to get this mad, then lets do it your way and see." I always reserve the right to say, "Told You So." I've always been a soft spoken person when I'm mad or angry. You'll know when I'm about to kick some ass. I'll whisper to you that I'm ready to go to jail. I won't sneak up on you, because I want you to see it coming.

 

I'm glad those rough and tumble days are behind me, and I can be the gentle person I always wanted to be.

 

Love you all,

 

Mindy???

[Mmindy]

29 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

As a total aside, I'm wearing lavender today.

Jackie, thank you for being here when I needed it. Suzie and I will work through this. Last week she screamed that she was not going to pay a shrink to convince her that she had to accept my being a woman. This morning she asked me to set up couples counseling for us to work through.

 

Hugs & Love,

 

Mindy???

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Mmindy said:

We're both having to deal with a transition because it is affecting us both. We will get through this together.

Hi Mindy.  I know I've told you before your situation with your wife is very much like mine, so I am encouraged as it seems your are making progress.  Slowly but surely.

Like you I don't think I've ever raised my voice in anger directed at my wife, but this situation has put me on the receiving end more than once.  And like you, I know its just her process of dealing with it .. but every time it puts us both in a tailspin. 

The last two times were recently when I was discussing therapy for me .. well, I finally got my first therapy appointment (this Friday).  I'm so happy about it, but I don't want to tell my wife for fear of her reaction again.  But, I know I need to tell her (maybe the day before, so she doesn't have time to stew about it).  Will let you know how it goes.  Even reluctant approval will be awesome.

Thank you for sharing ... a shared experience.  Its very helpful.  Always wishing you and your wife the best❣️

[Charlize]

Mindy, when i started to open to my wife we went through many of the same ups and downs.  I know how painful that is for both of you.  I tried to remember that i had known and hidden my issues for years.  I'm quite sure she would have not accepted or stayed with me if she had known early in our relationship.  I had been too ashamed and fearful to be honest. When after 40 years together i came out we went through some very rough times, very like what you describe. Time ,patience, honesty, understanding slowly got us through.  For a long time she didn't want to be out with me. "What if people....." was a fear for her.  Little by little we found our companionship and love grow,  We have now been married 49 years and perhaps now that honesty, forgiveness and trust have grown our love has grown as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Hello @Mmindy I'm sorry to read of all you've gone through but sometimes we must go through a "trial by fire" in order to survive.  I came out to my spouse after 40 years of marriage and we had a rough patch as well.  But things are much better now and we are both more understanding of each of our needs.  I wish you all my best.  Please keep the lines of communication open.

 

Hugs, Jani

[Patti Anne]

Hi All. My gender therapist sent this to me. It kind of gives a little different perspective on coming out. I really liked it.

 

.

[Jani]

I like that perspective!  Much more positive! 

Jani

[Heather Shay]

I love this idea....

[Tori M]

That's excellent, Patti, thanks for sharing it!  I've never liked the phrase "coming out"... indeed, when I tell someone it feels much more like "letting them in".

[Tessa]

Mmindy at least she’s trying. My Ex didn’t know about Tessa until after we divorced. I still don’t know why she hates me so much. She refused counseling and that led up to a horrific battle that cost me my children for a year and coming back from that was incredibly hard! We only had 13 years in. 
 

Your wife must love you to want to work things out! Sounds like a miracle story to me! 
 

Keep talking and the fact that she let you hold her shows she still wants your love. My wife gave up all physical attention and would refuse me. I couldn’t touch her. There’s hope to save your marriage! 

Stay the course. If you love each other than love will find a way! 
 

Hugs and kisses?

 

Tessa 

 

[Mmindy]

On 7/7/2020 at 7:49 AM, KayC said:

I know I've told you before your situation with your wife is very much like mine, so I am encouraged as it seems your are making progress.  Slowly but surely.

KayC,

 

Thank you for the kind words, and yes we both seam to be on parallel tracks. This points out that the struggle isn't made up or fabricated, because people from around the world are going through the same thing. While we're separated by an Ocean and half a Continent never really meeting our hearts and minds are connected.

 

Hugs and best wishes as you continue forward with your relationship, and therapy.

 

Mindy???

[Mmindy]

On 7/7/2020 at 8:42 AM, Charlize said:

We have now been married 49 years and perhaps now that honesty, forgiveness and trust have grown our love has grown as well

Charlize, thank you for the words of encouragement. I hope we can see this through and follow in your footsteps to a long relationship.

 

Congratulations on your 49 years married.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Mmindy]

On 7/7/2020 at 9:07 AM, Jani said:

"trial by fire"

Thank you Jani,

 

The fire was like a pyroclastic flow rushing down Mount Vesuvius. In our 44 years of marriage I've pissed Suzie off once or twice and I've seen her rage before. This past month topped them all on a scale of 0 to 10 she was volcano like off the scale. We're doing well this week and I do hope and pray we'll survive this together as a couple.

 

Best wishes,

 

Mindy???

[Mmindy]

On 7/7/2020 at 9:09 AM, Patti Anne said:

different perspective on coming out.

Thank you Patti Anne,

 

I love that different perspective.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Mmindy]

On 7/7/2020 at 10:33 AM, Tori M said:

"letting them in".

I'm with you Tori,

 

This new perspective will change my approach as I expand the close people I invite to my expanding life.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Mmindy]

On 7/7/2020 at 1:56 PM, Tessa said:

Stay the course. If you love each other than love will find a way!

Tessa, my best friend went through an evil divorce like you described. My wife and I thing he's one of the kindest men on the planet and yet his first wife (The Evil One) as he calls her just eat him and his business up, leaving him nearly destitute. He's a confirmed bachelor with a lady friend who lets him mow the grass so to speak. She introduced him to her family as the Pool/Lawn Boy.

 

Hugs and positive thoughts your way,

 

Mindy???

[Heather Shay]

thank you for your,thank words and you are 100% correct about how many of us frim all around the world share a common issue and through this wonderful website we can,cheer on, cheer up, confide and,supply mental hugs that mean so much. hope your day is going qell sister.

[Mmindy]

3 hours ago, Shay said:

we can,cheer on, cheer up, confide and,supply mental hugs that mean so much. hope your day is going qell sister.

Yes Shay, we can and should.

Our struggle is enough without having to worry about the Cat Fighting on other Social Media Platforms.

Everyone I've encountered here has been respectful and helpful.

 

I want to >HUG< everyone here,

 

Mindy???

[KymmieL]

Mindy, When I first came out to my she seemed to almost laugh it off. It was I know since I use female avatars in my games. Then last Halloween was the first time I have gone out as female. Everything was great until I got home. both my wife of 34 years and my 22 yr old son went at me. She says she will let me transition but she will divorce me. Says she married a man. I take it as she married a man not me.

Lately every thing has been back to normal, like before I came out. I am transitioning ever so slowly. One day I will not be able to hide it anymore. I still hope that her love for me trumps her hatred for me. So, I totally know what you are going through. Hoping everything still works out for you both.

 

I feel that I am needing to be the one who leaves. I have been looking for positions out of state. Nothing yet. There is no way in Hell I could live here and not be with her. My love is that strong towards her. Yet she could not see loving me as Kymmie.

 

Kymmie